Holiday Hangover

And not from wine, either! ;)

Christmas day involved having my sister, brother in law, M.'s parents and grandparents over for breakfast and opening of gifts.

We were lucky, as Miss O. didn't wake up too early, because we had a big day ahead of us!
After serving everyone a breakfast of french toast casserole, scrambled eggs, sausage, fruit salad, and cookies, we began opening gifts. Everyone spoiled Miss O. to the max...which I guess is okay, because it's probably the last year for that.

M. spoiled me...here's what I opened Christmas morning.

I'm SO excited to really get a chance to play around with it!

The last present she opened was from M. and I...a "big" sister t-shirt. M. and I designed it, to say "My Christmas present came early this year...." with a present on the front, and then on the back it had TWO presents with babies sticking out of each one. The back read, "I'm going to be a big sister!".

It took everyone a while to "get" it. We actually had to say, "How many presents are on the back?" LOL. Lots of happiness and tears followed.

After we wrapped up the morning, we packed up the car and headed North 2 hours to celebrate with my family. It was a very busy day, but very enjoyable.

Sunday brought yet another family celebration at M.'s grandparents house full of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Fun, but I'm exhausted.

And we still have 1 more left to go.

M.'s brother and his family are coming to town for New Year's and we'll be celebrating Christmas AGAIN.

Did you get anything cool for the holidays?

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First OB appointment is tomorrow afternoon...I hope we get another peek at the babies!

Merry Christmas from all of us here at "Not The Path I Chose".

I hope your holidays are filled with family, friends, and lots of love!

Being An Elf

I don't remember being so worn out from getting ready for Christmas.

Whew.

Maybe it's because I didn't start doing anything for the holiday until a week ago.

This weekend, I almost finished shopping, started baking cookies, and wrapped gifts. I still have to get a few things for M. but otherwise my shopping is complete. All the gifts are wrapped, and I have about 12 dozen of cookies made, and some fudge.

I still have to make "buckeyes" finish off the "snow peaks" with chocolate and my baking will be done.

Are you ready for the holidays?

6 Years

Remembrance is a golden chain

Death tries to break,but all in vain.

To have, to love, and then to part

Is the greatest sorrow of one's heart.

The years may wipe out many things

But some they wipe out never.

Like memories of those happy times

When we were all together.

~ Author Unknown

::::::::::::::::::::

Missing you today, Mom...but you're always in my thoughts, and in my heart.

Graduation Day!

Monday's RE appointment was bittersweet.



Everything looks just right, two heartbeats and the little ones had grown like weeds.



But, it was also the last time I'll see Dr. Hope and his staff for a while. They deemed us ready to move on to an OB.



I'll be honest, I'm scared.



Over the last two years, they've become family.



As we got ready to leave, Nurse Peppy gave us a green bag. The same type of bag she gave me with my foll.is.tim pen and all the IVF paperwork in... Only this time, there was a little red box inside. When I pulled it out, and opened it up to find an ornament. It was "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" from Dr. Seuss! M. and I laughed because just the day before he had started to refer to them as "Thing 1" and "2"...LOL.



Here's a peek at 8 weeks, 3 days...

Let's Talk About...

Brea.sts.

Otherwise known as the reason ALL my shirts are too short all of a sudden.

I've never been small busted.

Ever.

I started having to wear a bra in 4th grade. I was teased something awful. It's probably why for the rest of my elementary career, I wore a jacket all day long, no matter what the season.

Seven years ago, when I was first pregnant with Miss O., I filled out a D cup nicely. About halfway through my pregnancy with her, I was a DD. Still manageable. By the end, only a DDD would do.

After I lost all my pregnancy pounds and then another 30, I was back down to a DD. I made peace with my chest, even though it was much different than before I was pregnant. I found out that bras with a little support, ideally from La.ne Bry.ant, worked best for me.

I started this IVF cycle, comfortable in my DD's.

That is NOT the case anymore.

My body is changing. My pants still fit, albeit a little snug in the waist. Trying to squeeze into my favorite bras has become a nightmare. My DD's now give me the lovely 4 boob look...you know, like you have 4 seperate brea.sts sprouting off your chest.

Thank goodness, I kept 3 of the DDD's from when I lost weight.

Those are the most comfortable. The band size is a little large, but at least I'm not spilling out of the cups. I'm trying to extend my non-maternity wardrobe by teaming my too short shirts with long tanks, but that doesn't always work.

I'm SO thankful for the changes, I really am.

I just don't want to have to buy new bras yet.

::::::::::::::::::::

8 weeks today.

I'm still so tired. I'm trying to keep up with you all, even if I'm not commenting as much. I promise that once I can keep my eyes open past 9:30 at night, I will be a better blogger!

Another ultrasound is scheduled for Monday.

Sometimes, 2 is better than 1...

It's not the best ultrasound picture in the world, but I think it's clear enough.

All my worry about seeing nothing was for naught.

We have ♥ ♥ , yes, 2 heartbeats!

I feel much relief at seeing the little flickers of the hearts. Common sense tells me we're not out of the woods, yet...but M. and I have crossed another hurdle.

First retrieval, then transfer, one positive beta, then a doubling beta, and now this!

I am SO blessed.

Cake Time

Last Saturday, I had a great time working on another cake.





My favorite cousin's daughter was turning 4 and she was having a duel party with another little cousin who was turning 2. The theme was "Wizard of Oz".





The first step was creating the ruby slippers, the pieces for the rainbow, and the witch's hat and broom.

Next, I stacked the tiers, iced them emerald green and rolled out a yellow brick road out of fondant.

I took some more of the green icing and piped grass all around the road and the tiers.

Once we drove the 2 hours to the party, I finished the cake by adding the extras...

I hope it makes you smile!

T Minus 6 Days

*waves*

Hi! Remember me?

Yeah, I've been a pretty awful blogger lately. Haven't been posting much, or commenting much. BUT I have been reading and keeping up with you all!

Please don't hate me, but I'm pretty boring right now.

Feeling tired. A little nauseous. Plus, I've started to come down with a lovely cold.

I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that I am actually pregnant. With no spotting, cramping or bleeding...it's a shock! I will admit that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ultrasound is Monday at 9:30am.

Still Here

I wish I had a reason for not blogging since my exciting news, but I don't really.

I've been a little nauseous and very tired, but really that's not an excuse for not writing something.

Instead, I've been living in fear.

Every time I go to the bathroom, I brace myself to see some spotting, a sign of the inevitable end. Sad and pathetic, I know.

I can't stop myself, though.

I want to be positive. I want to believe that this pregnancy is here to stay. I want to be excited and hopeful.

Who wants to be the "debbie downer"? The few people who knew we did IVF this cycle, have asked how it turned out...I tend to say something, like, "Everything is going how we want it to, but it's really early and anything can happen." M. is excited.

I'm more like a see saw. One minute I'm up, convinced that I'm going to have a baby, and the next minute I'm in tears, convinced that it's only a matter of time before I miscarry. I hold my breath with every twinge I feel, wondering if strong cramps will be following.

So, that's what I've been doing...

Second Hurdle Crossed

Well, the second hurdle has been crossed...

Beta #2 came in at 1139!

I think I can start breathing a little.

Dr. Hope doesn't want to see me until December 7th now, for an ultrasound. Eek! I hope I can make it that long!

How it all went down...

Yesterday morning, after getting Miss O. on the bus, M. and I got ready to head in for the beta.

The plan was to have my blood drawn, go out to breakfast, and return an hour later for results. Whatever the news would be, at least we would only have to wait an hour.

My stomach was a ball of nerves, and I couldn't stop shaking. Dr. Hope stopped into the blood work room and asked if we had cheated. "Nope!", I said, thinking I should have taken a test before I came in. For me, though, seeing those 2 lines has never been the problem, it's holding on to the pregnancy that's hard. Once the vial was full, Nurse Peppy sent us on our way, saying, "We'll see you in an hour."

We did go and have breakfast. How I choked anything down is beyond me? I alternated eating a few bites, with running to the bathroom, sure I was going to throw up. I never did, but man, was my stomach churning.

Outside of the office, in the car, M. and I sat for about 15 minutes. I remember looking over to him and wanting to cry, instead I asked him, "Do we have to go in? Can't we just pretend I'm pregnant?" I pleaded with him not to hate me if it was negative. He just kept looking at me and saying, "Whatever happens, I will still love you." God, I love him.

Finally, we headed in.

I don't know why, but I brought in my full sharps container. I think I just figured that if it didn't work, I could just leave it there and not have to see it anymore. M. gave it to the receptionist, while trying to read her face. I just sat down and stared at the floor.

After about 5 minutes, Nurse Peppy opened the waiting room door, I scanned her face, desperate to find some sort of clue. She put her hands on her hips, and said, "Come on back, guys..." I figured it was over, I started to prepare myself for the worst.

Once we both were in her office, she asked why we brought in the sharps container... I think I mumbled something about probably not needing it anymore. Then Nurse Peppy said, "Well, it better go back home with you because you're going to need it!", with a big smile. The next few minutes are a blur, I remember hearing the beta number (669!), jumping up and hugging her! She told me maybe I should hug M. first, so I hugged him. Then the tears started.

After I calmed down, we talked about how this is just one hurdle for me.

Yes, we have a positive beta.

Next step is a repeat beta tomorrow, on Wednesday.

I can't allow myself to think too far ahead, not yet. That's what 5 consecutive losses will do to you.

BUT for right now, we're celebrating!

:::::::::::::::::::::

Thank you ALL for all of your thoughts, prayers, and congratulations!

I have no idea how I could have gotten through the last few months without your support.

You rock! :)

Beta Day!

This has to be quick, as I have to run off to work, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging....

Beta this morning at 14dp3dt was, 669!

7.

Seven has always been my lucky number.

M. and I have been married seven years.

Miss O. was born on March seventh.

Seven of my eggs fertilized.

Hopefully, this will be pregnancy number seven.

Seven.

::::::::::::::::::::

Beta is Monday morning.

Red & White

About a month ago, M. and I went away for the weekend.

I had just started my Lu.pron and this cycle, and we wanted a chance to reconnect before the craziness would start. We didn't go far, just a few hours north, where all we had planned was where we were staying, visiting a few wineries, and hanging out.

It was just what we needed.

The weather was beautiful, and we spent the first afternoon visiting wineries. At my favorite winery, we even bought a glass of wine each and some cheese and crackers, went outside and spent some time overlooking Lake Erie in the distance. The glass of white is mine and was a light, crisp wine called "Delaware". M.'s glass is a sweet, sweet red called, "Cat Rouge", that he just loved.

We spent time just talking. Talking without being interrupted. Walking the grounds, where we stayed, just enjoying each others company. We took a nap, if we were tired. We saw a movie that wasn't G rated.

There was no rush, no distractions, just us.

Honestly, I can say that it was the first time, in at least a year, that I didn't have my infertility at the forefront of my mind.

Of course, we talked about the cycle a little...

BUT for a weekend, I didn't feel pressure. I didn't worry about the "what ifs".

I just enjoyed my husband and reconnected.

And bought a LOT of wine ;)

Helpless

I feel utterly helpless.

My little sis and her husband underwent their respective surgeries yesterday.

Her egg retrieval went well....13 mature eggs.

His T.E.S.E...found nothing.

NOTHING.

They even unthawed what little they found in his May surgery.

Nothing usable.

NOTHING.

I can't even imagine how she's feeling.

Devastated doesn't even begin to explain how she sounded on the phone. She says she can't get a read on how he feels.

It's so unfair.

They only held off on the cancer treatments for this ONE shot.

And they got NOTHING.

I'm at such a loss to support her...

What would you do?

Blogger's Block

Something about my mind being consumed with alternating thoughts of "Am I pregnant?" and "There's no way I'm pregnant!" is blocking any form of a blog post.

Seriously.

Every minute I change my mind on how I feel. Every minute.

As for symptoms...I've got a little bit of nausea, some lower back aches, and sore bre.asts. All of these symptoms could be nothing more than the PIO shots.

Speaking of those awesome PIO shots, Saturday night, after M. finished injecting the proges.terone, he was shocked by a fountain of blood! You should have seen his face...just sheer panic! It didn't hurt, but I don't think he believed me. He must have hit a blood vessel, because it took a while to stop the bleeding. I was a little worried about how much oil leaked out, but last night's shot went just fine.

This time next week, I'll be heading in for my beta.

One more week.

Back To Work

I headed back to work today to finish off the work week. I figured I would ease myself back into the working world by working 2 days and then having the weekend off.

My worries this morning, we how people would react to my return. Some at work know what we did, some don't. I didn't know what I would say, if someone asked me how I was feeling.

On Monday, one of my close friends, let me know that there was some rumor about me needing my appendix out....Newsrooms are such gossip mills!

It wasn't too bad, although one co-worker actually came over, sat down and said, "Are you pregnant?"! I about fell out of my chair, and I think I said something like, "Uh, yeah...until proven otherwise." Weird.

I'm feeling okay, a little queasy the last 2 days, which I'm sure is from the PIO shots. Only other thing was a lower back ache most of today...hopefully the embies are getting nice and comfy!

12 days until beta.

Introducing...

..."the kids"!

Yesterday was transfer day. M. and I made the drive up to the big city in the afternoon silently. I don't think either of us said 10 words to the other! My biggest fear was that we'd get there and they would tell us that none of the embryos had made it. I know that they would have called, but that's what my crazy mind was telling me.

I drank my recommended water in the car, and was already uncomfortable as we pulled into the parking lot. Once in the office, we went back to the same room we prepped for my ER in, and filled in on what was going to happen. The nurse looked at M., and said, "Well, no one told me how big you were! I'll have to go get another jumpsuit!", and promptly left the room. We looked at each other, and started to laugh. She brought back one of those blue paper jumpsuits which still barely came down to his ankles. M. is 6'4" to my 5'3" frame...

Once we were properly clothed, they wheeled us into the OR for the transfer. We both found it so interesting to see everything...the embies on the TV monitor, the catheter sucking them up, the ultrasound and my uterus. Other than my really full bladder, it didn't hurt at all.

45 minutes after laying flat on my back, it was time to go.

I was really surprised by how relieved I felt walking out the door. M. did, too and we talked about it on the way home. All the stress came from making sure we did everything we could to get to transfer.

It's truly out of our hands now. Nothing we do can change the outcome.

Meanwhile, I've been talking to "the kids", trying to convince them that my ute is a very comfortable place to hang for the next 9 months.

Beta day is the 16th.

And 7 Became...

5.

We have 5 beautiful embies still growing as of this morning.

Transfer is set for 2:15pm tomorrow.

Eleven, then Seven

M. and I were a half hour early to the hospital for the egg retrieval yesterday. We figured better early than late, especially since we had to go to the big city for retrieval. Everyone was really nice, and tried to put my worries to rest.

The first nurse took us back to our room, where I got to change into the lovely gown. We then went over some paper work and she started my IV. So far, so good. I was a little nervous, and she put me at ease, saying that most girls wake up ready to go out for lunch! Then anesthesia and the RE came in and we were ready to roll.

After stopping at the bathroom on the way to the OR, down the hall I went. I had to give my name and birth date, and then they situated me on the table. The last thing I remember in there was staring at the ceiling, waiting for the oxygen mask.

I was wheeled back to my room. M. was happy to see me and quickly told me that they had managed to get 11 eggs. My happiness was short lived, as I started feeling intense pressure and pain. After a shot of something and a pill, an hour later, my pain was better and I was deemed well enough to leave.

After our hour and a half ride home, which I blissfully slept through, I hung out on the couch. I was still really uncomfortable and finally broke down around 4 and took my ty.lenol with cod.ine that they prescribed me. I expected to be crampy, but this was different. My abdomen didn't hurt, it was more my chest and shoulders. M. and I joked that they must have kneed on my chest to hold my mobile ovary down! At least, I could still laugh at that point. The meds didn't touch my discomfort, but walking a little made me feel better.

By 9 o'clock last night I was in tears. The pressure in my chest and shoulders was unbearable. I remember crying to M., "I'm not okay. I'm not a wimp. What is wrong?" He kept trying to make me feel better by rubbing my shoulders or helping me walk around the coffee table. Laying down flat was torture. Finally, I managed to get into a reclined position in bed and fell asleep.

I'm still not myself today, but at least that awful pressure/pain is gone.

After talking to my nurse, I found out a little more about my procedure. She was upset that I didn't call last night, and made me promise I will, if I feel like that again. Apparently, the doctor had a lot of trouble with one of my ovaries, and I had a lot of bleeding during the procedure. He managed to get 9 follies out of one side, but could only safely get 2 out of the other. Now, I'm at a higher risk for O.H.S.S. because they had to leave a lot of follicles behind, I guess. Why can't my body be normal?

The good news is that out of the 11 eggs they retrieved, 8 were mature and 7 fertilized!

Tomorrow morning, I'll get the call on whether we'll do a 3 or 5 day transfer. In the meantime, I'm sucking down as much pow.era.de ze.ro and water as I can and taking it easy.

Seven has always been my "lucky" number, let's hope it comes through for me again!

Stick A Fork In Me...

...I'm DONE!

We triggered last night at 10pm. Okay, after a little freak out with trying to get all the hcg into the syringe, it was 10:04pm, but we did it!

I'm set for retrieval tomorrow morning, Friday at 10am.

Wow.

We went in to the office this morning for our last instructions. M. learned how to give me the proges.terone shots, and even gave me a "practice" shot. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought, but I'm sure once he's trying to push that oil in, it'll be a different story. Nurse Peppy and Dr. Hope both wished us luck as we left. It's weird that I won't see them again until the 16th, which is beta day.

I'm scared, excited, nervous, happy, frightened, nauseous, crazy...about every emotion you can have wrapped into one person.

Getting Close

The pressure in my abdomen is growing daily.

I'm 10 days into stimming and headed into to Dr. Hope's office for my blood work and ultrasound this morning. After Nurse Peppy took my blood, M. and I headed into the ultrasound room for the scan.

I can not express how thankful I am that M. has attended every one of these appointments with me...it's really just for moral support, but it does make the routine a little easier. We joke that we know the "drill". While I empty my bladder, he takes my coat and purse into the other room and always has the sheet unfolded and ready for me. It just makes the whole experience a little more comfortable.

Dr. Hope knocked and made his way in and started the scan. It was much more uncomfortable than Monday's, I'm guessing because the follies are getting bigger! Dr. Hope had some trouble getting my ovaries to stay still, so that he could measure the follies. I had to roll to my left hip, so that he could get pictures of my right ovary and then I had to press down on my abdomen to get a clear shot of my left ovary. Ouch! He joked that I have unusually mobile ovaries. I asked him what that meant for retrieval and he said that someone will be holding down on my ovaries, so I might be quite sore afterwards.

Everything looked right on track, and I'll be triggering either tonight or tomorrow night with ER on Friday or Saturday!

Stepping Away From The Edge

I feel like I can finally breathe a little...

THANK YOU ALL for your positive thoughts and prayers!

This morning's ultrasound went much better than last Thursday's.

Dr. Hope started with my uterine lining, which looked great. Then he briefly scanned my right ovary, and then headed over to the left. He had some trouble finding that tricky left ovary, but when he did, we saw lots of follies! He joked that all I needed, "was a little extra fertilizer!".

I didn't ask for a exact number, but I know that everything he measured was between 12 and 13 mm. I'm to keep up with the 150 iu twice a day, and head back in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and more blood work.

I'm so relieved.

It doesn't mean anything yet, but I just feel like we at least stand a chance, you know?

The Quote

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."
~ Frank A. Clark

I was cleaning out my desk at work yesterday, and stumbled across this quote written down on a post it note.

Funny how things just pop up when you need them, no?

As I read it, I realized that I came across it almost 2 years ago, and jotted it down. I was in a big transition in my career at the time, and had just suffered my 4th loss. The quote spoke to me then, and still does today.

I needed to read it, let it rumble around in my brain, really think about it.

No matter what the outcome of this cycle is, I need to not give up. I can't control how my body responds to the drugs, whether the embies (I hope!) we get implant, and I sure can't control whether my body accepts a pregnancy for the long haul.

So much of this, heck, LIFE, is out of our control.

And if it does work?

It will be all the sweeter because of the obstacles I've had to overcome.

::::::::::::::::::::

I can NOT thank all of you enough for your support.

Dr. Hope called yesterday afternoon.

We've upped my folli.stim up to 150iu's twice a day. Yay, 3 shots a day! Can you feel the sarcasm?

I've been feeling some twinges in the left side of my abdomen today.

Here's hoping we see MANY follies on Monday.

Fear

After 3 days of stimming, injecting myself with 225 iu's of folli.stim, I headed into Dr. Hope's office for blood work and an ultrasound.

He, of course, warned me that it's early and we might not see much.

And we didn't.

I think he found and measured one follicle. ONE.

The rational part of my mind tells me it's early, not to worry, trust that I just need to be patient. I wish that voice could drown out the one that is blaring through my head. The one that is screaming, "You're not responding!"

I just want to cry.

October ICLW

Welcome to Not The Path I Chose!

I'm Photogrl, a thirty-something, who's struggling from secondary infertility. My husband is M. and we have a 5 year old daughter, Miss O. We've been trying to add to our family for the last 4 years. Over those years, we've been pregnant 5 times, but all have ended in loss. M. keeps getting a clean bill of health, while I've lost one tube to an ectopic pregnancy.

We are currently smack in the middle of our first IVF cycle.

Outside of my obsession with getting pregnant, I love to bake cakes, drink wine, and have a good time ;)

Dizzy

First dose of folli.stim was injected last night!

I didn't expect it to burn as bad as it did, hopefully tonight won't be a repeat. I did both shots on the same side of my abdomen, maybe that wasn't such a great idea!?!

So, the plan is to stay on the 225iu of Folli.stim through Wednesday night, and head in Thursday morning for more blood work and an U/S.

I was very lucky with the Lu.pron, as I really was pretty side effect free, minus being extremely tired.

But today is a totally different story!

I don't know if it's the combo, or the buildup of Lu.pron in my system, but I'm SO dizzy today. I have to watch how quickly I move my head, and rolling my eyes is NOT an option, unless I want to fall down.

As long as we have follies growing, I'll suffer through any side effects....

It's a GO!

This morning, bright and early, M. and I headed in to see Dr. Hope.

The whole ride there, my stomach was in knots.

Nurse Peppy brought me back for the blood draw first. I apologized for calling her all last week in a panic, when AF was no where to be found. After explaining to her about M.'s job news, she looked relieved. She said that she could tell something had to be wrong or bothering me, because I'm usually very calm and easy going when she talks to me. As we're talking she proceeds to stick me...I'm a pretty easy stick, but today it was like a fountain! Seriously. Blood everywhere!

After we cleaned ourselves up, it was over to the ultrasound room, for my date with the va-jay-jay cam. Dr. Hope found both ovaries pretty quick, and said everything looked quiet. Yay! I don't remember how, but somehow he mentioned something about me and only having one tube. I cracked a joke about being a "one-tubed wonder" and everyone had a good laugh!

Overall, we were in and out within 30 minutes.

Nurse Peppy called this afternoon, and declared my estrogen levels perfect. The Lu.pron has done it's job and my ovaries are supressed. She told me to knock my Lu.pron dose down to 5 units and night and added 225 of Foll.istim for the next 3 evenings. I head back for more bloodwork and an ultrasound on Thursday.

No turning back now...

In The Nick Of Time...

She finally showed her ugly face.

Of course, it couldn't be before the RE's office closed on Friday at 2pm...but I'm not complaining.

After talking to Nurse Peppy last night, who called Dr. Hope, I am very reassured. I'm feeling hopeful again.

My whole fear is over suppression. I don't know why, as I have nothing to reason why I could be over suppressed or any experience with being over suppressed, but it's my fear for right now in the cycle. I guess that's how my mind works. Gotta have something to worry about, right?

Dr. Hope gave me another reason to ♥ him last night. He's going to bend the rules for me. Apparently, the clinic has you start on stims on the Saturday of the week that you bleed. With my period showing late, I would normally have to wait until next Saturday to start my foll.istim BUT he's going to see me Monday morning.

As long as everything looks good, I'll start stims Monday night!

Thank you all for your encouraging words, virtual hugs, and support...it really means the world to me!

Teary Thursday

I'm horribly hormonal today.

Cried twice at work already.

Still waiting on my period.

Talked to the RE. If I don't start by Saturday, I will have to wait another WEEK before starting stims.

Crap.

I know it's only a week, but I can't help but feel betrayed by my body again. Everything will be shifted by a week. I'm trying to let very few at work know what's going on, and a week will screw everything up.

I just want to catch a break.

Another Bump in the Road

I had grand intentions of writing a recap of this weekend's fun getaway with M. last night...

But that all changed even before I got home.

Usually, on my way home, I give M. a call. We fill each other in on our day and he tells me how Miss O. is doing. Last night, our phone conversation went a little differently. I was a little irked because I hadn't heard from him all day, and I've got over a week's worth of Lup.ron in me.

He sounded down, and I asked what was wrong. "Nothing.", he said, " I just had a rough day at work." When I pressed the issue, all he would say was, "We'll talk about it when you get home."

Ugh.

That's never good. In the 5 minutes that it took me to get home, many scenarios played out in my head. Does he have a new boss? Are they sending him out of town? Is he being transferred?

Finally, I pulled in the driveway. He met me there.

"So, the conference call today? Yeah, my company was out bid for my job."

I was speechless. What the hell does that mean???

M. will keep his job (Whew!), but he will now work for a new company. A company we know little about. He's being told that pay won't change (double whew!), but his health care will.

Our cycle, THIS cycle, is covered through HIS insurance.

Poor guy spent all day calling his insurance company. He knows we're kind of at the point of no return in this cycle, and wanted to have an answer for me before he had to tell me.

The good news?

We're covered on his existing plan until the end of November. We'll know the outcome of this cycle by then.

I feel bad for him. He really liked the company he was working for and felt like he had opportunity to move up within the company.

Whatever else happens, we'll deal with after this. My mind just can't process much else right now, you know?

::::::::::::::::::::

Day 10 of Lup.ron tonight. Waiting on AF to show.

Will the Lup.ron delay my cycle?

Back to Reality.

*Yawn*

I'm super relaxed, refreshed and tired.

We're home from our getaway. I'll update with pictures about the weekend soon.

In the meantime, 179 posts are waiting for me in my reader!

If there's something you want me to know ASAP, leave me a comment.

I'm off to catch up!

Lupron, Weekend Getaway, and an Award

I'm surviving the nightly Lup.ron shots, but I'm not sure my waist will.

It's not the needles that I'm worried about, but the expansion that I'm sure is on it's way. For the last 2 days, I have become SO hungry. Hungry for anything, but especially sweets. Even after eating a full meal, an hour later, my stomach is asking for something more.

Other than a few hot flashes and the hunger issue, I'm pretty side effect free, so far. (knock on wood)

M. and I are escaping the real world for the weekend. Yay! We're heading north, to wine country, for a kid free, re-connecting weekend.

I'm super excited.

By noon tomorrow, I hope to be hoping from winery to winery tasting and snacking my way through the wine trail. Add dinner with REAL non-child related conversation and I'm in heaven! On top of it, hubby decided that we deserved some pampering, as we enter the next 3 stressful weeks, and booked us a spa day for Sunday. We're slated for some Reiki, some massage, and a pedicure for me!

And to top it all off, Melis.sa gave me this award :)

Here are the rules:

1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!

The Fun Part:

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? long
3. your mother? brave
4. Your father? alcoholic
5. Your favorite food? Italian
6. Your dream last night? nada
7. Your favorite drink? coffee
8. Your dream/goal? cakes
9. What room are you in? newsroom
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren't? calm
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? TV
17. Where did you grow up? Pennsylvania
18. Last thing you did? typed
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your TV? CNN
21. Your pets? turtle
22. Friends? lots
23. Your life? good
24. Your mood? stressed
25. Missing someone? Mom
26. Vehicle? Saturn
27. Something you're not wearing? watch
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? CD1
32. Your best friend? cousin
33. One place that I go to over and over? mall
34. One person who emails me regularly? Patty
35. Favorite place to eat? Nicolinni's

Recipients:

1. Liddy
2. Nancy
3. Rebecca
4. Joy

5. RM
6. AnxiousMummyto3

Oh, and this is my 200th post! :)

One down...

Who knows how many to go!?!

I did it.

At 8:30, last night, M. and I prepared and successfully completed my first Lu.pron injection! It didn't hurt at all, of course, that could be from my extra padding around my belly ;)

I'm to continue the 10 units of Lu.pron daily, until I bleed. Then I'll call the RE, and we'll do a suppression check, and then we'll add in the stims.

Please, please let me be pretty side effect free...

I had a little uneasiness at the RE's office yesterday. My favorite nurse, Nurse Peppy, while drawing my blood, was going over the plan for the cycle. It was going fine, until I asked if I was to start Lu.pron, as long as the blood work showed ovulation. Then it took a strange turn...

Nurse: "You don't start Lu.pron tonight, you start the estrogen."
Photogrl: "Really? I thought I started it tonight."
Nurse: "No, you don't start it until I tell you to. This is a different protocol this time, remember?"
Photogrl: "Uhh...this is MY first IVF cycle!"

At this point, I realized that Nurse Peppy thinks that I am my sister. Crap. This is the last thing I need...I'm already super nervous about the fact that this might NOT work, I don't need to worry that they can't keep their patients straight! She laughed it off and apologized profusely but I still walked out of the office a little unnerved.

THIS is what I was worried about when little sis asked me for my RE's name.

When we're confused on the phone, I understand. We really do sound a lot alike. But to have my chart in front of you and ME sitting there, and you still can't keep us straight? I guess the good news is that my office does not do the retrieval or transfer. We have to travel to a larger "hub" in a bigger city for that.

You better believe I'm going to be questioning everything else from here out.

Getting Ready

In just about 24 hours from now, I will be giving myself my first Lu.pron shot.

After all these months of waiting, tears, rescheduling, and frustration, the time has finally come.

I spent some time tonight rereading the IVF packet from my RE's office. All the risks, procedures, side effects, and possible outcomes. Refreshed myself on how to do the injections and made sure all my meds are ready to go.

It's almost time.

Tomorrow morning, I go in for blood work.

No turning back now.

Seriously!?!

I got a letter in the mail on Friday. It was from my OB of 12 years, he's closing his practice effective October 1st.

Seriously?

So, now, I'm stuck trying to find a doctor to accept me before I start my first IVF cycle. I'm starting Lup.ron in 6 days.

Seriously.

M. and I decided to paint our living & dining room this weekend to burn off some nervous energy. We then decided to install the fan we received as a Christmas gift in 2007 in the dining room. When the guy we hired to install it, took off the old one yesterday morning, he couldn't believe the old fan was still hanging. He won't even install a new light fixture.

Seriously.

Apparently, there is NO electrical box, just 2 wires and a whole bunch of insulation. The old fan was just bolted into the plaster. Now, we have to cut a bigger hole in the ceiling and install a heavy duty electrical box to the studs. All I can see is dollar signs, and a big headache...

Oh, and I have no light in my dining room.

Seriously.

At the gym, even though the entire locker room was open, a woman had to use the locker RIGHT next to me. Okay, I can deal with that, but then don't mutter under your breath that I'm in YOUR way!

Seriously?

Called another OB practice. They can't schedule anything today because they are having new computer software installed.

Seriously.

One of the doctors doesn't have an opening until January. The other *might* be able to meet
with me at the end of October.

Seriously?

I just want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep.

All About Cake

So, what's better after a really serious post than pretty pictures of cake?

Here's a look at the last baby shower cake I did.

I designed the cake to mirror the nursery colors, which were pink and brown.

The booties were made from fondant, and I was really proud of how they turned out.

The final product.

What do you think?

What Would You Do?

A little background: My sister and her husband are trying to have a baby. All tests have pointed to male factor. Basically a zero sper.m count. ZERO. The doctors dug a little further and have found tes.ticular cancer. The good news? It's early, and they're monitoring it. The bad? For any shot of having a baby, it involves IVF and micro tese. And removal of the tes.ticle.

I had an awkward, kind of uncomfortable conversation with my sister today. I really don't know if I did the right thing, or if I came across the way I wanted to. What I do know is that I want to know what you would do....

After my sister's cycle was cancelled last month, she headed south, for a vacation. I can't blame her, she had already scheduled time off work for retrieval and transfer, so why not? She left town on the 9th and just returned yesterday. She mentioned that she talked to the RE's nurse today about their next step. We both share the same RE, and the staff knows we're sisters.

I'm very fortunate that my insurance covers a lot of my medicine costs. I was shocked at how much they cover, when I received my meds in June. I'm well aware that this is a very rare thing. When the nurse called me in August and asked if we could order "me" some extra foll.istim, I readily agreed. (Yes, I know this is somewhat questionable...but it's my sister and her husband has cancer and this might be their only shot, KWIM?)

Her last cycle was cancelled due to poor response. She's 28 years old and after stimming for over a week, only produced 2 follies in her left ovary. Nothing in the right.

The nurse told her that her next cycle will be a "flare" protocol. At this point in OUR conversation, my sister casually mentioned that the nurse said she should call me.

This is where it gets uncomfortable...

Sis says she still has 2 vials left from her cancelled cycle, so she'd have the nurse just order what else she would need. I told her I thought that was a good idea, but warned her that even a half order could be pricey. When she asked me how much, I was honest.

"Well, my receipt said a full order was $4,600 without my insurance."

Silence.

"Oh, wow.", is what I finally heard her squeak out.

At this point, I started rambling about how I was sorry. Sorry that I can't do it again. Honestly I would do it every month if I could, but let's face it, I haven't even had my OWN cycle yet. I don't want to max out my insurance or raise any red flags, you know?

Am I being selfish? Am I doing the right thing?

I just worry.

What if my cycle fails? What if I do have a maximum amount of drugs allowed? Am I being selfish for not helping her?

Ugh.

I just wish that NONE of us had to go through any of this.

What do you think? What would you do?

Just The Girls

Miss O. and I are on our own for the next few days.

M. headed out on a business trip this morning and won't be back until mid-week. Not going to lie, I'm going to miss him and his help! Now that Miss O. is 5, she understands that she won't see him for a few days. She woke up this morning, already in a panic, about when Daddy will return.

So, I've tried to plan some fun things for us to keep her mind off who isn't here.

We're going to head out to a local fruit farm, that is having a Fall Fest this afternoon. The cider and doughnuts should be a distraction for at least a few minutes, right?

This morning we made her favorite bread for breakfast, Butterscotch Banana Bread. I had a few (5) really ripe bananas that needed used up, plus a slice with some fruit in the morning makes a really quick and easy breakfast on school mornings.

Want to make some?

Here's the recipe.

1/4 C. canola oil
1 C. dark brown sugar
2 eggs
1 C. mashed bananas (about 2)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 C. all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 C. skim milk
1/2 C. butterscotch chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, and spray loaf pan with cooking spray. In a bowl, beat the oil and brown sugar together. Add the 2 eggs, mashed bananas, and vanilla. In another bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and cinnamon together. Add flour mixture slowly to the banana mixture, along with the skim milk. Mix only until moist. Add butterscotch chips, and pour into loaf pan. Bake for 45 to 50 minutes. Bread is done when a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean.

It is so good.

You could use plain brown sugar, but the dark gives the bread a beautiful caramel color. I also use more than 2 bananas, depending on how many I need to use up. Last night I used 5, and added a few more butterscotch chips on top before I put it in the oven.

Four Years

M. and I decided to try for another child in September of 2005.

Miss O. was one and a half, so we were finally getting a little sleep. We had always wanted to have kids who were pretty close in age, and thought 2-3 years would be nice. After conceiving Miss O. easily, I had no doubt we would be pregnant soon.

Eh, boy was I naive.

I wasn't menstruating, even though I had stopped breast feeding at 9 months. "No problem!", said my OB, "We'll just wake up your ovaries with some Clo.mid". He assured me that sometimes this happens after having a baby. It was just some out of whack hormones. No biggie. Nothing to worry about.

On my 3rd cycle of Clo.mid, we finally got that BFP! Woo-hoo! We were ecstatic! Miss O. was going to be a big sister. After my first ultrasound, when we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, I went home and ordered a "big sister" t-shirt for Miss O. to wear at her birthday party in a month. I'd be 12 weeks by then, and it'd be the perfect time to tell family.

She didn't get to wear the shirt at her party.

At 9 weeks, I started bleeding. It happened on a Sunday night, and by Monday morning, I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound showed my beautiful bean hanging out, but that lovely heartbeat I had seen a week prior? It was gone.

The shirt arrived a week after I had my D&C.

I still have that shirt. It's a size 2T. Miss O. would never be able to squeeze into it anymore. Yet, I don't have the heart to throw it away. I can't give it away, because it's personalized.

So, I keep it in a drawer, the drawer I keep with keepsakes of all my angel babies.

I think back to the person I was when we started TTC#2. I can hardly recognize her. I was younger, obviously, but I was also a lot less jaded than I am now. I never thought I'd suffer a miscarriage. Or struggle to get pregnant.

You know that saying, "Ignorance is bliss."?

It's true.

I'll never see those 2 lines again, and not immediately worry.

On the same line of thinking, though, I don't dislike who I am now. Do I wish I hadn't suffered 5 pregnancy losses? Of course. I wish that I could hold those babies in my arms, instead of only in my heart. Yet, when I reflect on who I am today, I see a stronger, caring, more worldly woman. One who is more compassionate. One who sees the big picture better. One who hugs her daughter a little tighter.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." is another popular phrase.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Circles

All week, it seems like I'm just going in circles.

Adjusting to Miss O.'s new schedule has been a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I've finally found some time to sit down and spill some thoughts onto the keyboard. It's not going to be pretty, but I think the easiest way to get it all out is list form.

~ I'm still trying to get used to getting up at 6:30 in the morning.

~ Scouring the Internet looking for baby shower cake ideas. The cake is to be delivered on Sunday.

~ I've received a bunch of wonderful snail mail from "Braces Bunch" members. Thank you SO much!

~ My sister's IVF cycle was cancelled after stimming for 8 days. She only had 2 follies.

~ Pretty sure Miss O. stole a milk to eat with her packed lunch on Tuesday. She has had to learn a 6 digit code for lunch/milk at the cafeteria, but she says she didn't punch it in at lunch. Hmmm.

~ I'm 3 for 3 making it to the gym this week! That's 3 more times that I've worked out than the last 2 weeks combined.

~ Talked to the RE, and I'm set to go in for blood work on October 5th. As long as I've ovulated by then, I'll start Lup.ron that day, too!

~ Figuring out how to pull dinner off at night. I don't get home until after 6pm and poor Miss O. is ready for bed by 8pm. Suggestions welcomed!

~ Made some rockin' Butterscotch Banana Bread last week. Everyone in my family liked it, which is a miracle with how picky M. can be!

~ Debating on trying to train for a 5K. The race would be Oct. 10th...is that possible while on injections?

~ Presi.dent Ob.ama is set to visit my "area" next Tuesday...means a CRAZY day for work. *sigh*

~ Going to try and send some snail mail out to "bunchers"...and work on my crafts. I've got a lot of free evening time now that Miss O. goes to bed early!

~ I have 27 days to try and get some more weight off. Considering I gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks, I'd love to get at least those off! Anything extra would be a bonus.

So, there's a look into my brain. Pretty boring, no? I promise a better post soon!

Here we go...

Cycle Day 1!

I didn't think that I'd ever be SO happy to see it.

No guarantees this month, but a better chance at a sticky pregnancy than I've had in the last 3 years.

I call the RE tomorrow morning to get my dates and instructions.

No turning back now...

Kindergarten

This has kept me away from the computer for most of week.

*sniff, sniff*

Mixed Emotions

As I held 2 babies yesterday, I felt two very different waves of emotion...


We traveled down the road Saturday night, to be godparents for my second niece. The baptism was at 10 o'clock and with a three hour trip, it was easier to travel the night before and stay overnight. All the way to the big city, I was giving myself a pep talk. M. and I, both, needed one. We love our nieces, but we struggle with the ease of their conception, and his brother's ignorance when it comes to our struggle. Want a refresher? Here's what was said when they found out they were having another girl.

Sunday morning dawned sunny and beautiful.

As we sat down in the church, I started to feel a little panicky. My heart began to beat faster, and the tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about my babies. My lost, angel babies, who should have been sitting there with me. The ceremony was short and sweet, and thankfully, M. and I just had to stand there and profess to help with the spiritual raising of the child.


It was the pictures that almost did me in.

Of course, everyone wanted pictures. Pictures of the new family. Pictures of M. and I with the new family. And then, the baby was handed to me. "Oh, we want a picture of you and M. and the baby!"


I held that baby, I tried to smile.

The whole time I was fighting back tears, trying to appear happy. I swear my heart was being ripped from my chest. It was so hard. The 3 hours of family time at their house following the ceremony wasn't much better. At least, M. would look at me and we would share that knowing look, the look of being battered and wanting to leave. Miss O. had a blast playing with the kids, which left us stuck hanging with the grownups.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic when a friend, who lives in the big city, called my cell phone. She was hanging at the mall, and would we like to meet up with her?

Absolutely.

The last time I saw her, was her baby shower. I had yet to see the baby, except for pictures. As I walked through the mall, all I could feel was excitement building. I couldn't wait to see her and catch up.

As I held her baby, I felt nothing but pure joy.

To look at that sweet little face, feel the warmth of her body, smell that baby smell. I could have held her all day.

2 babies.

2 totally different reactions.

Still the same heartache.

Self Sufficient

"I don't need any help...because I can do it myself!"

We're hearing that phrase a lot these days here at Not The Path I Chose.

It's starts in the morning with brushing our teeth.

"I wanna squeeze the toothpaste!"

"No, let me do it"

"I don't need any help, I can do it myself"

And continues throughout the day. For everything. Some days I think I can't possibly hear it one more time! I can't blame Miss O., she's just showing off her independence.

The more I hear the phrase, the more I realize that it pretty sums up how I feel right now, too.

Being stuck, waiting for this IVF cycle to begin, all I want to do is scream, at the top of my lungs, "We don't need your help...because we can do it ourselves!"

Feh, if only that was the case.

Anyhow, I'm on CD20 right now, and finally ovulating. I'm debating whether I should call the nurse tomorrow morning and see if maybe, just maybe, we could still cycle this month. Tell me if I'm crazy, but since I'm just now ovulating, and the plan is to start Lup.ron after ovulation, I wouldn't be stimming until the 2nd week of September at the earliest, I think. Which means M. would be home from his work trip by the time we would even be considering retrieval and transfer.

Of course, considering I've never gone through an IVF cycle, I could be way wrong. ;)


So, what do you think?

Feeling Crafty?

So, I've seen this really cute idea on Katie Cupcakes and Melis.sa's blogs.

AND I think it's just what I need to get my creative juices flowing!

Here's how it works....
The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch?
You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.