Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I got a letter in the mail on Friday. It was from my OB of 12 years, he's closing his practice effective October 1st.


So, now, I'm stuck trying to find a doctor to accept me before I start my first IVF cycle. I'm starting Lup.ron in 6 days.


M. and I decided to paint our living & dining room this weekend to burn off some nervous energy. We then decided to install the fan we received as a Christmas gift in 2007 in the dining room. When the guy we hired to install it, took off the old one yesterday morning, he couldn't believe the old fan was still hanging. He won't even install a new light fixture.


Apparently, there is NO electrical box, just 2 wires and a whole bunch of insulation. The old fan was just bolted into the plaster. Now, we have to cut a bigger hole in the ceiling and install a heavy duty electrical box to the studs. All I can see is dollar signs, and a big headache...

Oh, and I have no light in my dining room.


At the gym, even though the entire locker room was open, a woman had to use the locker RIGHT next to me. Okay, I can deal with that, but then don't mutter under your breath that I'm in YOUR way!


Called another OB practice. They can't schedule anything today because they are having new computer software installed.


One of the doctors doesn't have an opening until January. The other *might* be able to meet
with me at the end of October.


I just want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

All About Cake

So, what's better after a really serious post than pretty pictures of cake?


Here's a look at the last baby shower cake I did.


I designed the cake to mirror the nursery colors, which were pink and brown.


The booties were made from fondant, and I was really proud of how they turned out.


The final product.

What do you think?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Would You Do?

A little background: My sister and her husband are trying to have a baby. All tests have pointed to male factor. Basically a zero sper.m count. ZERO. The doctors dug a little further and have found tes.ticular cancer. The good news? It's early, and they're monitoring it. The bad? For any shot of having a baby, it involves IVF and micro tese. And removal of the tes.ticle.

I had an awkward, kind of uncomfortable conversation with my sister today. I really don't know if I did the right thing, or if I came across the way I wanted to. What I do know is that I want to know what you would do....

After my sister's cycle was cancelled last month, she headed south, for a vacation. I can't blame her, she had already scheduled time off work for retrieval and transfer, so why not? She left town on the 9th and just returned yesterday. She mentioned that she talked to the RE's nurse today about their next step. We both share the same RE, and the staff knows we're sisters.

I'm very fortunate that my insurance covers a lot of my medicine costs. I was shocked at how much they cover, when I received my meds in June. I'm well aware that this is a very rare thing. When the nurse called me in August and asked if we could order "me" some extra foll.istim, I readily agreed. (Yes, I know this is somewhat questionable...but it's my sister and her husband has cancer and this might be their only shot, KWIM?)

Her last cycle was cancelled due to poor response. She's 28 years old and after stimming for over a week, only produced 2 follies in her left ovary. Nothing in the right.

The nurse told her that her next cycle will be a "flare" protocol. At this point in OUR conversation, my sister casually mentioned that the nurse said she should call me.

This is where it gets uncomfortable...

Sis says she still has 2 vials left from her cancelled cycle, so she'd have the nurse just order what else she would need. I told her I thought that was a good idea, but warned her that even a half order could be pricey. When she asked me how much, I was honest.

"Well, my receipt said a full order was $4,600 without my insurance."


"Oh, wow.", is what I finally heard her squeak out.

At this point, I started rambling about how I was sorry. Sorry that I can't do it again. Honestly I would do it every month if I could, but let's face it, I haven't even had my OWN cycle yet. I don't want to max out my insurance or raise any red flags, you know?

Am I being selfish? Am I doing the right thing?

I just worry.

What if my cycle fails? What if I do have a maximum amount of drugs allowed? Am I being selfish for not helping her?


I just wish that NONE of us had to go through any of this.

What do you think? What would you do?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Just The Girls

Miss O. and I are on our own for the next few days.

M. headed out on a business trip this morning and won't be back until mid-week. Not going to lie, I'm going to miss him and his help! Now that Miss O. is 5, she understands that she won't see him for a few days. She woke up this morning, already in a panic, about when Daddy will return.

So, I've tried to plan some fun things for us to keep her mind off who isn't here.

We're going to head out to a local fruit farm, that is having a Fall Fest this afternoon. The cider and doughnuts should be a distraction for at least a few minutes, right?

This morning we made her favorite bread for breakfast, Butterscotch Banana Bread. I had a few (5) really ripe bananas that needed used up, plus a slice with some fruit in the morning makes a really quick and easy breakfast on school mornings.

Want to make some?


Here's the recipe.

1/4 C. canola oil
1 C. dark brown sugar
2 eggs
1 C. mashed bananas (about 2)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 C. all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 C. skim milk
1/2 C. butterscotch chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, and spray loaf pan with cooking spray. In a bowl, beat the oil and brown sugar together. Add the 2 eggs, mashed bananas, and vanilla. In another bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and cinnamon together. Add flour mixture slowly to the banana mixture, along with the skim milk. Mix only until moist. Add butterscotch chips, and pour into loaf pan. Bake for 45 to 50 minutes. Bread is done when a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean.

It is so good.

You could use plain brown sugar, but the dark gives the bread a beautiful caramel color. I also use more than 2 bananas, depending on how many I need to use up. Last night I used 5, and added a few more butterscotch chips on top before I put it in the oven.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Four Years

M. and I decided to try for another child in September of 2005.

Miss O. was one and a half, so we were finally getting a little sleep. We had always wanted to have kids who were pretty close in age, and thought 2-3 years would be nice. After conceiving Miss O. easily, I had no doubt we would be pregnant soon.

Eh, boy was I naive.

I wasn't menstruating, even though I had stopped breast feeding at 9 months. "No problem!", said my OB, "We'll just wake up your ovaries with some Clo.mid". He assured me that sometimes this happens after having a baby. It was just some out of whack hormones. No biggie. Nothing to worry about.

On my 3rd cycle of Clo.mid, we finally got that BFP! Woo-hoo! We were ecstatic! Miss O. was going to be a big sister. After my first ultrasound, when we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, I went home and ordered a "big sister" t-shirt for Miss O. to wear at her birthday party in a month. I'd be 12 weeks by then, and it'd be the perfect time to tell family.

She didn't get to wear the shirt at her party.

At 9 weeks, I started bleeding. It happened on a Sunday night, and by Monday morning, I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound showed my beautiful bean hanging out, but that lovely heartbeat I had seen a week prior? It was gone.

The shirt arrived a week after I had my D&C.

I still have that shirt. It's a size 2T. Miss O. would never be able to squeeze into it anymore. Yet, I don't have the heart to throw it away. I can't give it away, because it's personalized.

So, I keep it in a drawer, the drawer I keep with keepsakes of all my angel babies.

I think back to the person I was when we started TTC#2. I can hardly recognize her. I was younger, obviously, but I was also a lot less jaded than I am now. I never thought I'd suffer a miscarriage. Or struggle to get pregnant.

You know that saying, "Ignorance is bliss."?

It's true.

I'll never see those 2 lines again, and not immediately worry.

On the same line of thinking, though, I don't dislike who I am now. Do I wish I hadn't suffered 5 pregnancy losses? Of course. I wish that I could hold those babies in my arms, instead of only in my heart. Yet, when I reflect on who I am today, I see a stronger, caring, more worldly woman. One who is more compassionate. One who sees the big picture better. One who hugs her daughter a little tighter.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." is another popular phrase.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


All week, it seems like I'm just going in circles.

Adjusting to Miss O.'s new schedule has been a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I've finally found some time to sit down and spill some thoughts onto the keyboard. It's not going to be pretty, but I think the easiest way to get it all out is list form.

~ I'm still trying to get used to getting up at 6:30 in the morning.

~ Scouring the Internet looking for baby shower cake ideas. The cake is to be delivered on Sunday.

~ I've received a bunch of wonderful snail mail from "Braces Bunch" members. Thank you SO much!

~ My sister's IVF cycle was cancelled after stimming for 8 days. She only had 2 follies.

~ Pretty sure Miss O. stole a milk to eat with her packed lunch on Tuesday. She has had to learn a 6 digit code for lunch/milk at the cafeteria, but she says she didn't punch it in at lunch. Hmmm.

~ I'm 3 for 3 making it to the gym this week! That's 3 more times that I've worked out than the last 2 weeks combined.

~ Talked to the RE, and I'm set to go in for blood work on October 5th. As long as I've ovulated by then, I'll start Lup.ron that day, too!

~ Figuring out how to pull dinner off at night. I don't get home until after 6pm and poor Miss O. is ready for bed by 8pm. Suggestions welcomed!

~ Made some rockin' Butterscotch Banana Bread last week. Everyone in my family liked it, which is a miracle with how picky M. can be!

~ Debating on trying to train for a 5K. The race would be Oct. that possible while on injections?

~ Presi.dent Ob.ama is set to visit my "area" next Tuesday...means a CRAZY day for work. *sigh*

~ Going to try and send some snail mail out to "bunchers"...and work on my crafts. I've got a lot of free evening time now that Miss O. goes to bed early!

~ I have 27 days to try and get some more weight off. Considering I gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks, I'd love to get at least those off! Anything extra would be a bonus.

So, there's a look into my brain. Pretty boring, no? I promise a better post soon!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Here we go...

Cycle Day 1!

I didn't think that I'd ever be SO happy to see it.

No guarantees this month, but a better chance at a sticky pregnancy than I've had in the last 3 years.

I call the RE tomorrow morning to get my dates and instructions.

No turning back now...

Thursday, September 3, 2009



This has kept me away from the computer for most of week.

*sniff, sniff*