Thursday, April 30, 2009

For Real?

The old witch showed up here this morning!

I really wasn't expecting her so soon, but I'm NOT complaining.

Called the RE, and here's the plan. I head in tomorrow morning for bloodwork. HSG is scheduled for next Wednesday, along with cultures and mock transfer.

Wow. My head is spinning. I really didn't expect everything to move so fast.

Hold on, the ride is starting!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Off Week

I get an week off! Yay!

I'm so excited to NOT have to go to have blood drawn tomorrow morning.

You see, since my positive HPT last month, I've had my blood drawn over 20 times. My last hCG, on the 22nd came back at 19, down from 40 the week before. This means that I get to wait 2 WHOLE weeks before getting stuck again, wow! The veins in my poor arms are doing a happy dance.

Dr. Hope believes that when he redraws on May 6th, that the level will be back to zero. I can't even begin to tell you what that does for my mental status. I feel like a fog is lifting from my spirit, and I feel 15 pounds lighter.

Now, if I only WAS 15 pounds lighter!


And I know you all have been waiting with bated breath for this...

The finished cake, please excuse the mess behind it...


Buttercream with fondant decorations...

Top of Cake

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Button, Button...

Who's got a button?

This is what has been consuming my week. My first paid cake gig. I've been working on it since Thursday night.

It's for a baby shower. Ironic, no?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Keeping The Faith

Promising. Heartening. Reassuring. Uplifting.

These four words describe how I feel after meeting with my RE this morning. I feel like I should give him a name now, because I know I'll be talking about him a lot. Hmm...I think Dr. Hope fits just right.

M. and I went in, expecting to hear that IVF will be the route for us, and we were right. After 45 minutes of me questioning the doctor, that is exactly what was decided. I think I might have overwhelming him with my knowledge of the procedure, considering this will be my first time sticking my toes into the IVF waters. I only have this wonderful community to thank for that...Well, and the need to fill my head with all kinds of usually useless information!

I was happy to hear that we will be re-running blood work, and that I will have an HSG after I get my period. Dr. Hope explained that if my remaining tube is swollen, or looks fully blocked, I'll return to my OB, to have the tube removed. He said that statistics show that a infected or swollen tube can significantly reduce the chances of an IVF cycle working, so it is best to remove the tube. This was probably the only piece of information that I didn't expect to hear, and it kind of rattled me for a few minutes. I mean, if I go in and have that tube removed, that's it. There will never be the chance of a spontaneous pregnancy again.

So, now we wait on my body.

Dr. Hope and his staff said that once the old witch shows, we can move rather quickly. I could be cycling as early as the end of JUNE! That's just crazy.

I'm ready to look forward and start this new journey towards bringing home a sibling for Miss O.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


M. and I slept in until 10 o'clock this morning.

Ten o'clock, in the morning! I can't tell you the last time I slept until eight, let alone ten!

Last night, we dropped Miss O. off to the outlaws* for the night. I couldn't believe that they agreed to keep her overnight, but somehow M. convinced them. We then spent the evening with some close friends and headed into the big city for dinner. After a three hour meal**, YUM, we rolled out the door to a karaoke bar. The karaoke was bad, but we had fun laughing.

It was really nice to let a little loose, have some wine, and good conversation.

Bedtime was a little late...around 2, I think!?! But not late enough to sleep in as long as we did. Normally, I'd blame it on too much libations, but I really only had 3 glasses of wine the entire night.

I don't care.

I woke up feeling refreshed and energized, and I'm not sure the last time I felt that way. It's been a long five weeks of getting up at the crack of dawn to get blood drawn before I had to be at work. I'm not sure I realized how drained my body was, as I was just trying to function, you know? M. and I joked this morning that a lazy night/morning in bed was long overdue. We have a lazy day ahead of us, just hoping to get some work done around the house.


* The Outlaws - That's my new name for the in-laws, just because it fits ;)
** Have you ever ate at the Mel.ting Po.t? It is a incredible experience...although, a little pricey when you consider you cook your whole meal yourself! But SO worth it.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eight Words...

"Oh, I thought you guys had given up..."

Those are the eight words that have been haunting me for a couple of weeks now.

There is so much wrong with that statement, that I don't even know where to start. They were uttered by my mother in law after finding out that M. and I were losing another pregnancy. Before even saying, "I'm sorry."

I don't know how to digest these words, and really don't know how to feel about them.

Should I be offended? I mean, just because we've been on a break from treatments, doesn't mean we've stopping trying to add to our family. Once you struggle with infertility, I'm not sure you *ever* stop trying. Ever. I know that over the last six months, even though I haven't temped or used ovulation predictors, I've still thought, "Maybe this is the month.", before peeing on a stick, hoping to see those two elusive lines. Part of me is offended. I mean, really, do you think that we'll never add another grandchild to your family tree? Do you see us as quitters? Because, let me tell you, your son might not have completed college, but he's NOT a quitter when it comes to anything that has to do with his family. If I couldn't work, M. would gladly take on another job or two, if that's what he needed to do.

It makes me really angry that someone, who isn't in my shoes, obviously feels that I'll never have another child. Why? Who gives her the right to believe that?

Yes, I might never carry another child to term, but there are SO many options out there. We might look at donor eggs. Surrogacy is always an option. Adoption. There are plenty of ways for us to add to our family.

Giving up has never crossed my mind.

I had my blood drawn again this morning.

Beta came back at 40, down from 119 last Wednesday.

Next week, M. and I will meet with the doctor to talk about our next step. I'm ready to have a new game plan.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Unexpected Mindfields

It's little, but that's my wordle. Wanna get one? Click here.
Lately, I'm finding myself caught off guard by my emotions. One minute, I'm fine. The next, I'm a mess.
Let's take last night as an example...Miss O. and I went to the mall for the obligatory visit with the Easter Bunny. We stood in line forever, waiting to see an adult in a furry suit. I've never quite understood the whole visit the bunny thing, and it kinda freaks me out. The bunny doesn't talk, unlike Santa, so why go sit on his lap??? But Miss O. is in love with anything "bunny" right now, and had been asking for weeks to see him/her.
She was very patient while in line, so I decided to go to the play area in the food court, and let her burn off some energy. I got a coffee, plopped myself down on one of the benches along the play area, took off her shoes, and off she went. While watching her, I couldn't help but notice other children and moms in this area. I quickly realized that I was the ONLY mom with only one child.
Every mom had at least two kids, and most appeared to be 2 or 3 years apart in age. I'm not was kind of freaky. Then I started to notice that at least three of the moms were ALSO expecting. It was just.too.much. The walls started to close in on me. I felt the tears starting to burn in my eyes.
I never thought I'd be crying in the food court.
Have you been blindsided by your emotions before? Where was it? How did you handle it?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Laying Low

Ever feel like your perpetually in slow motion?

Or that there is a weight on your chest that makes even getting out of bed a chore?

How about looking at your life, feeling like there is gauze covering your eyes?

That's how I've felt the last few days.

And you know what's sad? In the grand scheme of my life, what I'm going through right now really isn't that bad. Yes, I've lost another pregnancy. I'm being inconvenienced with weekly blood draws, which are just a reminder of my loss. Frustration is cursing through my veins, as I feel like nobody in real life "gets" it. On the other hand, I have M., who is my rock and Miss O., who always makes me smile.

But I just can't seem to shake the gloomies away.


Please head over and give some love to Hillary from Dan & Hillary and little Russell.

They are in the midst of a very scary time and could use some support. Doctors are concerned that she has a 'cornual pregnancy', which is a very dangerous situation for this Momma!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thank You, Thank You Very Much...

Liddy over at The Unfair Struggle nominated me for the Sisterhood Award!

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

So, here's my list. Everyone on this list is at a different point in their IF journey, but always write from the heart and usually with a great sense of humor.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Down Hill Slope

Finally, some good news to report. My RE's nurse just called me back.

Today's number is 199!

My hCG level seems to be dropping now.

I think I can begin to let my guard down, and begin to think forward, instead of feeling so paralyzed with fear.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Life Is A Mess

...and there's nothing I can do about it!

Ok, so I can change some of it, but it's just crazy.

This morning I had to return to the Blood & Cancer Center bright and early again. I got weighed, again. Boo! Seriously, how can I have gained 12 pounds in less than 3 weeks? Blood work looked good, but they don't run an hCG level. Doctor told me to call if my numbers don't go down on Friday and they'll give me another round of methotrexate next week. I really don't want that.

TMI, but I think my numbers are finally falling. My bre.asts have been less full and tender and I've started to cramp and bleed. Hopefully it will show in the beta on Friday.

Mid-morning, my baby sister called. She had a rough weekend and was in the ER Sunday night with a gallbladder attack. Which is pretty interesting, since she had her gallbladder out last October! Well, she went to see a specialist up north, and guess what? She's having her gallbladder out AGAIN on April 9th. The specialist says that she still has one, and doesn't know what the doctor here took out! No joke! And if having surgery you already had once isn't bad enough, she paid for her surgery out of pocket in October as she didn't have insurance from her job yet. I feel horrible for her.

I've been struggling at work with idiots. Not many of my co-workers know what's going on, as I don't feel it's really any of their business, plus I've had really negative experiences with some of them with my other losses. But, people are starting to wonder what's going on with me. The people I want to know, know, and they are wonderful. (Minus the manager who is now trying to be my best friend) Sometimes I wish I could just be honest and blurt it out, but I can't really do that without tears. And I hate the pity looks I get, as well.

Tomorrow is a new day. That's what I keep telling myself.