Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas Roundup


I'm glad that I have today and tomorrow off. No work, no family functions, nothing I have to do. Time to regroup, reflect, and gear up for New Year's Day.

I promised pictures last night, but then Miss O and I had too much fun playing with her new toys. And to be honest, I decided to go to bed early to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Checking out the cookies
Miss O, peeking to see if Santa enjoyed his milk and cookies...

Stuff in my stocking
Look there's stuff in my stocking!
the family
Everyone in front of the tree.

This was the first year that I've hosted Christmas morning. M.'s parents and grandparents came over and we did presents and breakfast. I made a French Toast Bake, had fresh fruit, M made scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and of course cookies! I don't think my MIL approved of the cookies, but that was always a tradition in my family growing up. My mom said it was the ONLY day in the year that I could have cookies for breakfast.

Overall, it went very well. Everyone got to see Miss O open some gifts, they all seemed to enjoy breakfast, and we were able to eliminate one trip for the day. Around 2 o'clock we headed north to see some of my family and made it back home around midnight.

New Year's is next.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas Wishes

It's the day after...and I'm back at work. Exhausted.

But all in all it was a great Christmas here at Not The Path I Chose. I'm going to try to get some pictures up later, once I get home.

Hoping everyone had a very blessed day, and that Santa was good to you!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Cookies

I love baking. Always have. Something about the measuring, the smells, the repetition that soothes me. When I'm upset I tend to gravitate to the kitchen, just to make something.

Except at Christmas.

My day started innocently enough. Get up, go to church, enjoy Miss O being an angel in the Christmas program. I came home in a pretty good mood. Maybe festive, even. I had started my Christmas baking last night, and figured with M working today, it was time to finish the baking.

Here's how the day went:

1:30pm ~ Empty the dishwasher from last night. Turn the radio on to the 24/7 Christmas tune station. Start figuring out what cookies to make next.

2:00pm ~ Humming along to Christmas carols, rolling Buckeyes with my daughter. This isn't so bad, right? I wonder why I don't do this more often.

3:00pm ~ I am SO tired of dipping cookies into chocolate. Who says I can't just dunk the whole thing into the pan and roll it around? No, it would be a peanut butter ball then, not a buckeye.

4:00pm ~ Get out the dough I prepared last night that needed to chill. Set out the cookie cutters, sugar and rolling pin.

4:10pm ~ Start to curse under my breath. Why won't this dough roll out? AND stop sticking to the counter.

4:15pm ~ I will not cry. I. will. not. cry.

4:20pm ~ Call M. demanding that he bring home a new rolling pin.

4:21pm ~ Give up. Move on to cutting some bar cookies I made last night.


Seriously, why am I stressing about cookies? Nobody is going to notice if I don't have 8 kinds of them on my cookie plate. Well, maybe my in laws, but who cares about that? I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and just enjoy what I have. So, I'm now sitting on the couch, with a glass of wine, pondering what to make for dinner.

I'm thinking takeout.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Missing You...

December 18, 2003. A day that I will never forget.

I was just about seven months along with Miss O. I was at my Mom's house in Northwestern PA. We had just had my baby shower on the 14th, a little early, but with good reason.

My mother was dying.

She had bravely fought for almost 5 years. But ovarian cancer is relentless. No matter how hard you fight, it keeps coming back. Two complete de-bulking surgeries, more chemotherapy treatments that you could count, and even Eastern medicine could no longer stave off the inevitable.

The day was cold, yet sunny. As I sat in her bedroom, silently crying, I looked out the window. Large, fluffy snowflakes fell all morning, as I listened to her labored breathing. At one point, mid-morning, she rolled to her left, reached out with her hand and placed it on my belly. I cried harder, as the reality sunk in. My mom, the OB nurse, was not going to see her first grand baby's birth.

So unfair.

As the day went along, I started calling family. Letting them know the end was close. By 9 o'clock that night, her parents, her brothers and sisters, her daughters, and all her nieces and nephews were at the house. We all sat in her bedroom, some of us on the bed with her, others scattered around the room. As if she was waiting for us, within a half hour of everyone getting there, she was gone.

Just like that.


I miss you more than words can describe, and I love you with all my heart.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Seat Warmer Gone Wild!

A week ago, I started to drive home from work. It's been quite cold in my neck of the woods lately, so I would start my car, turn on my seat warmer, and brush and/or scrape off the windows. That's exactly what I did last Tuesday night.

My commute is quite short. As in less than a mile and a half. I can honestly say that I can get to work in less than five minutes. I know you're jealous ;)

So, anyhow...I hopped into my car after brushing a little bit of snow off and began the drive home. Two blocks from the TV station, I felt a little more heat than I usually feel on my lower back. Hmm, I thought that's weird. Another block passed, and I began to smell something burning. That's when I decided to turn off the seat.

I pulled into my driveway, got out of the car, and looked at the seat. I couldn't believe my eyes!


I ran into the house and yelled at M..."My seat warmer burner through my seat!" He didn't believe me, until I turned around and he saw the hole in my jacket!


It just got worse from there. I took off my coat and sure, enough my pants were burned too!


Please ignore the large size of my behind! Haha.

I had no idea that seat warmers could do this. We called the dealership, and they got me in the next morning. Of course, my car's warranty is expired, and they claim they aren't responsible. I don't know how I could have keep the thing from burning through, but if I want it fixed, that'll be $700! Seriously.

Needless to say, I'm sans seat warmers right now and will be shopping for a seat cover.

Friday, December 12, 2008


That's how many posts I need to read according to Go.ogle Re.ader.


I guess that is what happens when you just can't get better. I think I wrote last week about how everyone here was sick. Well, I just couldn't seem to get better. I was still coughing, sneezing, and full of snot. I finally gave in on Monday and went the doctor. Yeah, I should have done that sooner.

Bronchitis AND a sinus infection. Woo-hoo!

So, five days later, after a round of antibiotics...I'm feeling human again.

I have plenty of blog posts in my head from decorating for Christmas to how my seat heater in my car burned my coat & pants. Really! I have a three day weekend, so hopefully I'll be able to catch up on my reading AND posting!

Saturday, December 6, 2008


It's been a while since I last posted.

Here at Not The Path I Chose, every household member has been sick. Fortunately, not the flu type of sick, but we have survived coughing, sniffling, and sneezing. The kind of cold that comes in waves, and lasts forever. I started feeling rough last Saturday and I'm today is probably the best I've felt since then. Yuck.

M. brought it home first. He never gets sick, so I knew it was only a matter of time until Miss O and I started needing tissues, too. This lovely virus started with a hacking cough, the kind of cough that you feel in your ribs later. It then progressed to horrible sinus pressure, which of course led to a constant runny nose. Poor Miss O's upper lip is so red and raw from the drip and tissues.

I think the only way I have slept all week is with doses of Ny.quil. And we've gone thru four boxes of Klee.nex. FOUR boxes in a week.

But we're on the mend...I'm thankful for that.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Back In The Game

No, not that game...

This weekend I had an opportunity to do a little freelancing work. And I got to put a camera back up on my shoulder. Yay! It's been almost a year since I've done any shooting, when I got a phone call asking me if I wanted to pick up a game, I jumped on it. It wasn't anything big, just a local hockey team playing in a tournament.

I had a ball! I was right down at ice level, getting to follow the action. Every once and a while, I would turn around and shoot an interview, or grab a crowd shot. It just felt...right. I was in my element. Where I'm supposed to be. What I'm supposed to be doing. Too bad that isn't my reality anymore.

I did pay a little for the fun, though. Standing on the cement floor for 4 hours was not easy on my lower back. My shoulder was quite stiff Saturday morning. But that didn't stop me from quickly agreeing to do another game Sunday night.

You can take the camera away from the girl, but you can't keep the girl away! ;)

44 Days...

Yup, 44 days. This crazy cycle managed to span two months!

But, just as I was ready to call the doctor again, the old witch finally decided to show. Finally.

So, cycle day 1 for me.

I've done enough wallowing in self pity for the last week.
Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and stand up straight.
It's the first of the month, a fresh start, and I have the holidays to keep my mind off of everything baby related. I had a really good weekend. Thanksgiving was a bust, as always, I'll have to share some stories later.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

And The Answer Is...


I want to cry, scream, and hide...all at the same time.

In my heart, I knew that this would be the answer, but I just can't let go of a little hope. The good news, I have an answer. Although, I still have no sign of the witch. The bad news, I have an answer. Such a double edged sword infertility is.
And the nurse who called was so nonchalant about the whole thing. When I asked her how long I should wait before getting concerned about my lack of a period, and negative tests...she quickly answered, "Oh, if you don't get your period by the end of next week, take a home pregnancy test." Ugh.

How do you explain to someone the fear that rises in your chest when you think of even possibly being pregnant? If I could have reached through the phone and grabbed her shoulders, I would have. I would have shaken her silly, all the while screaming, "Do you realize I only have ONE tube?"

I don't have a lot of room for error at this point.


So, what's going on with you?

Monday, November 24, 2008



I will have an answer by tomorrow afternoon. Either yes or no. At least, I hope so.

I'm not even sure what to wish for. I want to be pregnant. That's been the goal for three years now...but it sure hasn't worked out for the best. The last three years have been full of big ups and huge downs. Excitement and tears...and pain.

Thank you to everyone for the continuation of thoughts, hugs, and prayers. It means so much to me.


On a total side note, I'm very excited to be typing this on my first, ever laptop computer. M and I decided to buy our Christmas present early ;)

Add wireless Internet...and I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yay!

Now, I can blog, surf the web, etc. without feeling guilty that I'm ignoring M. Our desktop is in a spare bedroom and I often felt bad when I would take some time and retreat to that room in the evening. If he's watching a football game, I can now sit on the couch next to him...and not be bored!

Holding Pattern

A quick update...

Still no period. And another negative HPT.

Waited all morning for my OB to call me back, I'm going in this afternoon for a draw.

At least I might have a definitive answer. I can't stand being in limbo.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


Sorry to leave everyone hanging. I took the test yesterday morning. "Not Pregnant", is what it screamed at me.

Oh, how I wish that she lived closer. She was right...I need cookies.

Still no sign that she's coming. I'm starting to be a little worried, as my ectopic started off this way. If nothing by tomorrow morning, I'll be calling the doc and asking for a Beta. If for nothing else, than peace of mind.

Friday, November 21, 2008


I am blown away. Really.

Thank you all for all the fingers crossed, the prayers, the hopes, and thoughts. This is why I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful community that "gets it". When I posted last night, I totally forgot that ICLW started today. For those who are visiting from there, well, I sure had a great, intriguing post for you to land on, didn't I?

To catch everyone up to speed, I'm Photogrl, and hubby is M. We are very lucky to have our little miracle, Miss O. We've been trying to give her a sibling since September of 2005. Along the way, I have been pregnant 4 times, had one miscarriage at 10 weeks, one ectopic pregnancy that cost me my left tube, a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and a chemical pregnancy last November. M and I are currently on a RE break, with the next step probably being IVF.

So, how'd I get to posting last night's post?

I'm late. As in about 4 to 5 days late. I'm not super sure, as I haven't temped or charted for the last two months. M felt that it was time for a break from charting, as he felt it just made me crazy...he was right ;) But my cycles range from 28 to 31 days usually. Counting from the first day of my last period, I am on CD 35, 36. But so far, no period. And none of the usual signs that the witch is on her way either.

I haven't taken a test, yet. Only because I didn't have any in the house.

That problem has been solved. Upstairs, I have a three pack of pregnancy tests. So, unless I have a reason not too, I guess I'll test tomorrow morning. I hate, hate, hate seeing negatives, maybe I won't.

We'll see.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I think I'm late.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

First Snow

I awoke this morning to find my world blanketed in a layer of fresh white snow. The kind of snow that sticks to everything, and makes everything beautiful.

A fresh start.

Of course, by this afternoon, the snow on the roads will have started to melt. The ugly, brown slush will appear and the beauty of the snow will be tarnished.

Much like what happens as you realize that you are struggling to conceive.

At first, the idea of having a baby is a beautiful thing. You gleefully throw away your pills, and caution to the wind. You laugh with your husband and giggle about how much "fun" it is to try.

But as months and months go by and those two lines fail to appear, a little bit of the "fun" starts to wear off. You suffer through countless announcements of pregnancies and baby showers. It seems that everyone *but* you is pregnant. Many tears will be shed, and possible fights begin between your loved one...all because you're NOT pregnant.

Yet, because of a four letter word, that begins with a "H"...every month is like a new snow. H-O-P-E, hope. Hope allows you to pull up your boot straps and get back on that horse. To *try* again. To soldier on. To not give up.


Friday, November 14, 2008


It's been a year since I've seen a positive pregnancy test.

In the world, of infertility, that isn't very long at all. I have no right to complain. But I'm scared. I'm scared because I haven't gone this long without a BFP before. Between M and I starting to "try" for child #2 in 2005 and November of 2007...I was pregnant 4 times. And I've lost 4 pregnancies.

I've been pregnant twice since my ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my left tube. But neither pregnancies stuck around very long. When we were with the RE, and trying fertility drugs, my left ovary was always the overachiever. Ironic, considering I only have a tube on the right. But it makes me wonder if my "good" eggs only come from the left ovary.

Doctors like to spout off statistics when they are dealing with someone who is struggling to conceive. In my case, I hear things like, only 25% percent of women become infertile after the loss of a tube. That is usually followed with, "We'll get you pregnant, don't just might take a little longer." Really? You think? I don't think you need a medical degree to figure out that my chances of getting pregnant ever month are lower than anyone with two, normal functioning fall.opian tubes.

That fateful day in October two years ago, I went in to surgery very scared that I might not wake up. I did wake up, but when they told me they couldn't save my tube, that it had ruptured, I cried. I cried because I knew that this path towards a second child was going to be that much harder.

I feel torn right now. Torn, because I want another child so much...yet, I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go to conceive again.

My RE has suggested that IVF is the way to go, but I have my doubts. I might get pregnant, but will I miscarry again? No one knows. No one can answer the questions that run through my mind at night when I think about taking the next step. What if I don't get pregnant? Will I be devastated? If I do get pregnant, will I have a baby in nine months? What if I have another ectopic pregnancy? What if I say enough is enough, will M be upset? Would Miss O really be sad if she ends up an only child? The list goes on and on....

What are you scared of?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Halfway There

Only two more days.

Thursday, I just have to get to Thursday. And M will be home. Yay. I finally talked to him tonight. His presentation went well, and he's enjoying meeting people and putting faces to names.

I'm jealous that he is in Orlando...warm, sunny, and the land of Mickey. Where I am, it's gray, cold, and snow is in the forecast. Boo! I should have found a flight and traveled with him. I could have hung out at the pool during the day.

Miss O. is confused. She keeps asking whether Daddy will be home soon. How do you explain a business trip to a 4 year old? I overheard her tonight playing with some dolls, "I have to leave now on a busy-ness trip. See ya later alligator."

I felt bad picking her up from daycare, and taking her to the YMCA, where I put her in child watch while I tried to run. Tried, because every. treadmill. was. taken. This is why I like to go in the morning, early, while M and Miss O are sleeping. A half hour workout ended up being an hour due to the wait. Ugh.

Two more days.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Breathe In, Breathe Out


It's Friday night. I have a plate of cheese and crackers in front of me, a glass of wine to the left of me, and I don't have to be back to work until Tuesday! Yippee!

Of course, I won't feel so great about it next week, when I'm a single parent for 4 days.

M is going out of town on a business trip. He leaves Monday, and will be gone until Thursday evening. He's really excited and is really hoping this trip leads to a promotion and move within the company. I'm excited for him, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a little worried about next week.

I dread not having him to help around the house. It might sound pathetic, but we divide chores up evenly around here. Not really by choice, but by necessity. Before August, we worked opposite shifts...great for childcare, not so great for seeing each other. So, honestly, M does all the laundry in the house...please don't hate on me for it. ;) He also takes care of the trash, the yard work, and the turtle. I make sure we are fed and the house is clean. Not to mention the fact that he entertains Miss O, so I can find my way to the computer for a little me time.

Works well, until someone leaves town, you know?

Of course, I'm going to miss him, too, not just the work he does around here. But it IS the amount of work that scares me. For those four days, I'm going to be mom, dad, a cook, a maid, a get the point. I don't know how my Mom did it by herself all those years.

My reader already has 185 unread items on it...I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Good news, maybe?

My heart has a little bit of hope now.

It finally dawned on me that M's company is based out of Illinois. And so is his medical insurance! Illinois is one of only a handful of states that mandate insurance companies to cover infertility treatment. The state that we reside in has nothing like that in place, and we're insured under my work's insurance.

So, open enrollment is this month. And we've decided to enroll M and myself. We'll still keep my family plan at work, but in essence, M and I will be double covered. The monthly fee will be well worth it, if it means we can move forward with the RE.

I'm not even banking on IVF, I would love to just have some of the medicines, like injectables covered, you know? With only one tube, I'm not willing to drop a couple thousand on injectable meds for a cycle that would be called off due to left sided follies, you know?

Let's see, $2,080 dollars out of pocket up front, or $12,000? I think I'm ready to roll the dice and see if maybe 2009 will be a sticky pregnancy year.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I voted. Did you?

I took Miss O. with me to vote today.
I told her it was a very important election, one that she would read about in history class someday. How weird is that?
As we left the polling place, she announced, "We Bowted (voted)! Yay, Mama."
Made my day.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Happy Halloween

I missed my little girl's Harvest Fun Day at preschool.

I missed her trick or treating with grandma.

Stupid work.

But, at least I have pictures of my Snow White.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

Nothing To Say???

I have a mean case of writer's block.

Or should I say, "blogger-block". Is that a word?

Anyhoo, I configure all these posts in my head as my day goes along, yet when I sit down in front of the computer screen...*poof*, my mind goes blank.

I hope to break the cycle soon...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


It's snowing this morning.

Yes, it's SNOWING.

On October's going to be a long winter.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why I Love My Husband

Reason #5,252,002...

He gets it. Infertility, that is.

Now, this might sound obvious, but it's not. Until Wednesday night, I just thought he felt bad about our lack of a second child because I felt bad. Because he doesn't like to see me cry. Because it was the right thing to do. I felt like he tolerated my craziness when it came to IF. You know, he came along to the RE because he was expected to. I really thought that he didn't really care that we only had one child. Because any time I broke down about our lack of siblings for Miss O., he would say, "I'm just happy that we have her."

Then the news came.

M.'s brother called. They are pregnant. Again. Back in August, they spent the majority of a family gathering asking me, the infertile, how to get pregnant. Because, they had started to try again, and it hadn't worked yet. After. Three. Months. Apparently, I was helpful, because their due date is in May.

Here's how my phone call from M. went:

Photogrl: "Hey, what's up?"
M: "Nothing. I'm having a crappy night."
P: "Why? Is work being a pain?"
M: "No, I'm pissed off. And I've been pissed off all night."
P: "...OK?" (at this point, I'm wracking my brain for anything I could have done)
M: "It took me a while to figure out why I'm pissed, but then I figured it out. J. called and they are pregnant."
Yup, he finally admitted it. It hurts him, too, when people announce their pregnancies.
I love him.
3 days worth of ICLW visits squished into one entry.
Comments Returned:

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Two Years Ago

Dear Little One,

Boy, what a surprise!

Daddy and I were just finishing licking our wounds after another negative home pregnancy test, when we found out you were on your way. Mommy woke up one Saturday morning with a lot of abdominal pain. So bad, that she had to make a trip to the hospital emergency room.

At the hospital, Mommy's worst fears were realized, when they found you in my left tube. I was whisked away into surgery and never even got to see an ultrasound picture of you.

I wish you would have found your way into my comfy uterus...Miss O. would have loved having a baby sister or brother!



It's been two years since that very scary morning.

About three weeks prior to the pain, I had taken a home pregnancy test. Negative. No big surprise there, and a few days later I started my period. At least that's what I thought. It was really light, more like spotting then a real flow. That should have been my first clue.

The week leading up to that Saturday morning, I started spotting again. I joked with my cousin, "How am I supposed to get pregnant, when my period won't stop?" I even called my doctor that Friday, to ask him about the mid-cycle spotting. "Don't worry.", he said, "Just come on in on Monday and we'll talk."

I never made it to that appointment.

Around 3 o'clock in the morning on Saturday, I awoke from deep sleep with stomach cramps. Shortly after 4, the vomiting started. As I laid on the bathroom floor, I thought about what I had ate for dinner the night before. A sub from a gas station. Hmm. Probably shouldn't have ate there, but as a photographer, on a Friday night...I was just grabbing something quick between high school football games. An hour and many trips to the bathroom later, I was convinced that I had food poisoning.

M. woke up for work at 5:30am, and found me awake with a heating pad on my belly. He questioned me, but I shrugged him off, saying I just must have had some bad food or maybe the flu. He kept asking if I wanted him to call off work, but I told him I'd be fine.

Boy, was I wrong about that.

The pain in my belly was growing harder and harder to ignore. It was starting to come in waves...much like contractions. But how could that be? I'm not pregnant, I kept thinking.

My little sister was living with M., Miss O. and me at the time. Thank goodness. I made my way downstairs to her bedroom about 8 o'clock and woke her up. She took one look at me and said, "We're going to the hospital." She carried my little girl out to her car seat and helped me into the car. We must have been quite the sight walking into the ER...a two year old, still in her pajamas, me hunched over, barely able to walk, and my sister trying to keep us all going in the same direction.

Never go to an ER that is just starting up, trust me.

When they checked me in, the did the usual questioning and testing. The doctor came in and said, "You're pregnant." I started crying, because I knew something was really wrong. He then continued, "It seems that you're miscarrying, but we need to transfer you because we can't do an ultrasound here on the weekends." What? I told him, "I've miscarried before and it didn't feel like this.", and I asked for pain medicine. He refused to give me any. I later found out that was because they needed to definitively diagnose the ectopic first, but I just hated him for it at the time. So, I got to ride in an ambulance for 20 minutes to the main branch of the hospital. With no pain meds. I swear they hit every single bump on purpose. It was loads of fun.

Downtown, as they wheeled me in, I finally saw M. I started to cry and he teared up. They took me off to ultrasound, where I had quite the experience with the tech. Trans.vag.inal ultrasounds are not very fun to begin with, add the pain I was experiencing and I could have jumped off the bed when she started doing her thing. Not to mention the great bedside manner. Like a block of ice, I tell you. And the best was when she told me she couldn't see anything, and I'd probably be sent home, and just have some follow up blood work.

I remember crying in the hallway outside of the ultrasound room, waiting to be wheeled back to the ER. I was so scared. Something was wrong, and no one seemed to be listening to me.

Finally, back in the ER, the doc came in and said, "You have a mass on your left ovary, and we've confirmed an ectopic pregnancy in your left tube. We have to take you into surgery."

It's the only time I've ever been worried that I might not wake up from a procedure. As they prepped me in the operating room, I just kept thinking, "This can't be happening. I have a two year old to take care of."

I made it through the surgery. My left tube didn't.

Just Call, OK?

Note to future interviewees, I need to know if you're going to stand me up.

I'm a producer. What's that mean? Well, I put together an hour long local TV news show. The show starts with the news of the day and weather, like most newscasts do. But because I have an hour long show, I have 2 live interview segments that I fill, usually with happy news. Or fluff. You know, the chairperson for the spaghetti dinner that's on Sunday or actors from the local theater production. They last about three minutes.

Yesterday, at 4:59pm, I walked into the control room feeling pretty good. Felt like I had a solid, interesting show and was looking forward to 6pm when I could walk out the door. Within 15 minutes, everything began to go downhill. And when you're dealing with live TV, everything snowballs, quickly.

There's an interview that happens EVERY week, on Tuesday. His secretary emails me a topic every week and tells me he'll be here.

Except he didn't come. And I didn't know he wasn't here, until, like, 2 minutes before he was to be on the show.

Two minutes.

Not a lot you can do in two minutes, except panic. Trying to be calm, I quickly rearranged my show, so that no one at home would know that anything was wrong. Thank goodness, the sports guy is always willing to come on and fill a hole for me. Because in TV, 3 minutes is an eternity!

It wasn't pretty, but the viewers at home were none the wiser. And that's what counts.

So, if you're ever asked to be on a TV newscast, make sure you show up. Or call. Please.

Adding my ICLW visits for the last two days!
October 21st:
October 22nd:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

October ICLW Begins...

Ok, enough wallowing and whining for me.

Time to move on. I feel better today. Making it to the gym always helps, and I succeeded in that this morning, too.


Welcome to anyone who's visiting from ICLW!

I can't believe that it's already time to participate again. The last month just flew by.

A little background for new readers. I'm a thirty-something year old who is dealing with secondary infertility. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl, Miss O., who is four years old. I have four pregnancy losses under my belt, and each one has been way different from the last. My husband, M., has been told that he has "super sperm" by the RE, so he's not the problem. We are currently on an RE break, as we try to save some money for IVF. Hopefully, we'll get lucky with a sticky pregnancy in the meantime, and save ourselves a butt load of $!

I tend to blog about our IF issues, weight loss, and just life in general. I hope you stick around!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Question...

Q: What's the quickest way to get your period, if it's late?

A: Take a home pregnancy test. As soon as your body sees the word NOT in front of pregnant, it will kick into gear with a horrible batch of cramps, which lead to Cycle day 1.

It's official.
I'm infertile now.
It's been over a year since my last BFP.
I don't know what to do. Do I give up? Do I keep trying?
This sucks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Candle Is Burning...

I just lit my candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss day.

As I watch the flame flicker, random dates run through my head...

Jan. 13, 2006 -- my 2nd BFP, ever.
Feb. 13, 2006 -- my first D&C
Sept. 18, 2006 -- my EDD for my first miscarriage
Oct. 23, 2006 -- emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy
July 4, 2007 -- BFP!
July 24, 2007 -- miscarriage #2
Nov. 24, 2007 -- BFP!
Nov 31, 2007 -- chemical pregnancy

So many dates, so many unfulfilled dreams.

Just do me a favor, if anyone in real life mentions going through a loss...just listen.

And offer a hug.

I'm Still Kicking...

I can't believe I haven't posted since last week.

M. and I had a fantastic Sunday, complete with Miss O.'s first ever hike. Pictures and post to follow...I promise!

As for my Watch.ers beginning, it has gone great! I weighed in on Monday, after a week of counting points AND making it to the gym three times....I lost 5 pounds!

So far this week, my eating hasn't been quite as good, but I've made it the gym twice already, and I'm up to 11 minutes of running in my 35 minute workout. Not great, but you gotta start somewhere...right?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Spring Cleaning...

Albeit in the fall. Although, it sure felt like a summer day!

M. and I decided a while back that it was time to clean the carpets. We really want to tear up the carpet in the living and dining room, and get our hardwood floors refinished...but with the great week the stock market had, THAT won't be happening anytime soon. We talked about it, we discussed calling a company to do it, yet neither of us ever did anything about it.

Until, today. We walked into the local big box hardware store, and rented a carpet cleaner. The nice girl behind the counter asked if we wanted it for 4 hours or 24? We looked at each other, and said, "24...We've never used anything like this before." I had horrible worries that it would take forever to move furniture, dust, and vacuum before we could even begin to use the carpet cleaner.

I am proud to say that in just 4 hours, we managed to clean our living room, dining room, and Miss O.'s playroom. And my carpet is thanking me.

So are our socks.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I'm So Tired...

It's been a LONG week.

I'm ready for the weekend.

But, I did eat healthy so far this week, and I made it to the gym 3 times!

No clue where I am in my cycle...and for once, I'm happy about that.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Snail Eggs And Infertility

Dealing with infertility is really starting to mess with my brain.

For example, M. was surfing channels last night, as we were waiting for the 11pm news to come on. He stopped on the Dis.covery channel (one of our faves!) to see what the host of Bizarre Foods was eating. Turns out it was snail eggs, which the French are apparently calling a new kind of caviar. Really? I mean, I've ate snails, Ala escargot, but here some French guy has made a contraption to collect snail eggs, so that he can add brine and sell a kilo of the stuff for $1500! I think I'm in the wrong line of work.

Anyways, as I'm watching the host try the eggs, I'm suddenly freaked out. I mean, I've watched this guy eat a ton of really gross looking food before, why would watching him eat little white snail eggs bother me? And then it dawned on me. I said to M., "What does it say about me, that all I can think about are MY eggs in MY ovaries, and I see him eating them!"


Does this mean I'm a little obsessed?

Monday, October 6, 2008

It's Official...

I'm fat. Again.

Honestly, my weight goes up and down so much, so quickly, that I could win an award for the most yo-yo'ing. Ever.

This summer, I trained for a triathlon. I did it, I completed it, and I lost around 15 pounds give or take a couple. I felt great. I still had quite a bit of weight to lose to be healthy, but I felt "in shape".

I got lazy.

Since starting my new "day" shift at work, I haven't been able to figure out a time to go to the gym, without feeling like I was cheating Miss O. or M. from time with me. It's been eight weeks, and I've probably only made it to the gym...hmm, maybe 5 times!?!

Finally, this morning I forced myself to get up and go to the gym before work. After walking my two miles, I forced myself to get on the scale. In my gut, I knew I wasn't going to like the number. My clothes have begun to get a little tight, you know, buttons pulling and waistbands constricting a little too much. In my head, as I took a deep breath, I thought of a number that would be awful to see...and one I sure hoped wouldn't stare me in the face. In my mind, I figured as long as that number didn't appear, whatever the scale said wouldn't sting as much.

I was wrong.

The scale only read seven pounds below *that* number in my head. I have successfully gained all 15 pounds back and then one more.

Wow. In eight weeks.

So, time to get serious again. Wei.ght Watch.ers, you have been both friend and foe. Please, be kind to me now. I'm going to aim for going to the gym at LEAST three times a week. It's a start. You have to start somewhere...


Friday, October 3, 2008

Sleep Deprived

You would think, because Miss O. is almost 5 years old that we would have this whole bedtime routine down pat by now. Wouldn't you?

Yeah, not so much.

I can try to blame it on the fact that I worked until 11pm or later for the last ten years. Or that M. just never enforced the bedtime routine. And maybe those are valid reasons...but honestly, I think it's a cop out.

Miss O. will not go to sleep on her own, because I (we) have NEVER made her. *gasp*

When she was little and nursing, it was a matter of logistics. My job did not allow for pumping, so we supplemented with formula. But when I was with her, I breastfed her. Which meant that at 11pm or so, when I got home from work...I needed to feed her. Immediately. If for nothing other than my own comfort...and so I could have a little time with my baby.

As she grew older, I liked that she didn't go to bed at a certain time. It often meant that she didn't get up at the crack of dawn, like most kids. I loved that she slept until eight or nine o'clock in the morning. For me, it meant that I got enough sleep, too.

But now, I'm realizing that my little one needs more sleep. Because naps are SO last year, she needs to go to bed earlier.

That's why I'm sleep deprived now.

All week, I have been trying to get her into a bedtime routine. Put our pj's on, brush our teeth, read three books, and go to bed. It all goes really well until the going to bed thing. Every night within five minutes of leaving her bedroom, I hear the pitter-patter of little feet on my hardwood floors. So, I put her back in bed. And, five minutes later we repeat. And repeat...and repeat. Eventually, I get so tired that I lay down with her.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier...I hope I'm right.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Crafts and Weddings...Take 2

Well, as promised, I finally got the pictures of the card box off my camera and onto the computer...

I first painted with acrylics, then I added ribbon.


It's going to be another busy weekend.

Two weddings on Saturday, both out of town. Fortunately, they are near each other...I don't know how I would have picked between them.

Sunday will bring a trip to a indoor water park. The second bride invited us to come "play" while they let their hair down from planning a wedding. How cool is that? We haven't told Miss O. about this part, she is going to be surprised!

I'm looking forward to a weekend full of friends and food!

ETA: Posting pictures is becoming quite frustrating for me! Any time I go to post a post with pictures (...if that even makes sense) I get kicked offline! I have DSL..what is the problem? Help!?!

Monday, September 29, 2008

A Few Thoughts

This post is probably going to be pretty messy and unorganized...

That's what happens when I spend more than one day away from the computer. I'm surprised at how quickly I'm becoming attached to blogging and staying up to date with other blogs. Who would have thought!?!

So, I'm just going to dive on in.


First of all...thank all of you who commented on my last post!

I feel much better now that I have acknowledged those feelings. Just writing them down and seeing them in print helped.

Plus, it never hurts to get an "Aye, aye", if you know what I mean! Seriously, though, I'm going to try out your suggestions.


I spent the weekend finishing up stuff for my friend's wedding. The card box is done...and I was really happy with how it turned out. Took some pictures of it and I'll share once I get the pics off my camera!

She and her husband to be came over to my house yesterday and we made her favors. Chocolate covered pretzels, four HUNDRED of them, with red, orange and green striping. They turned out great, but my feet hurt. Four hours of standing on my kitchen floor, which is tile, did not help.

While we were dipping pretzels, my girlfriend kept saying, "You could do this for a living." Hmm...I don't know about that.

Then we ate Chinese for dinner. I LOVE fortune cookies, but I never seem to get a good one. My fortunes are always something stupid like, "Behind every able man, there are other able men." No kidding. But yesterday, my first cookie said:

"Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it."
We laughed, and joked that maybe I should try my hand at my own crafty business. Then I opened another cookie and really laughed. Here's my second cookie's fortune:
"Listen these next few days to our friends to get answers you seek."

The wedding is Saturday, and we'll see if the card box and favors are a hit.


I only failed at one day of ICLW this month. Quite the improvement from last month!

My list for September 26th and 27th...

Baby Smiling In The Back Seat
Life after Infertility and Loss
Sticky Feet
Conceive This
In Due Time
The Not So Secret Life Of Us
Crazy Lady Ramblings
The Idle Mind of Beth
Helping Make Sense
The New Life of Nancy

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Confession

***Disclaimer: I feel the need to purge a little. My soul that is.
I'm not proud of what I'm going to write, but I feel the need to get it out of me. Judge if you must, but I'm just being honest.

My little sister, my only sister was married in August.

She has made it clear to many members of the family that they will begin to try and have a baby ASAP. She, until yesterday, did not open up to me about this. Obviously, she knows about my pregnancy losses and the trouble we've had conceiving. I understand that this is probably why she has shied away from the subject with me. That hurts.

But what hurts more is my own selfishness.

I want to be pregnant with my second before her.

That is so wrong of me. I am very, very, very blessed to have my angel, Miss O. I would never, ever wish IF on someone. Yet, inside my head, in a little corner of my brain, I hear *that* voice. You know, the voice that screams, "No, not before me!" or "Why them and not me?"

I am so ashamed.

But I don't know what to do. This is how I feel. Any suggestions?


ICLW for September 25th:

Just Me
Get Pregnant
Who Shot My Stork?
The Baby Dust Diaries

And I returned to The Fertile Infertile

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

More Wedding Stuff...


That's what $70.00 will get you at the craft store these days.

My BFF from college is getting married the first weekend of October. What you see is ribbon, paint, and boxes to make a cardbox. Chocolate, bags, tags, and bottles that will be used to make chocolate dipped pretzels. Four hundred of them...again.

Didn't I already do this this summer? Ha ha, it's my own fault.

And don't tell anyone, but I enjoy it!


ICLW for September 24:

Jenn's Journal
The Saga of Becoming Fruitful
What I did for Love
From Such Great Heights
Maybe I will have a glass

And I returned a comment to Cupcakes & Conundrums

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

MOPS Night

Tonight was my first ever "night" MOPS meeting. MOPS = Mothers Of PreSchoolers.

I've enjoyed the fellowship of MOPS for the last four years...but I've always been a "morning only" mom. I've never been able to attend a night meeting. This might be last year to attend MOPS, as I have no little ones on the horizon at this time. Once Miss O. hits kindergarten, they'll kick me out.

The things I love about MOPS are simple. Coffee, food, and company. Women who get it, who understand how I feel when I can't even go to the bathroom alone. Answers for my stupid questions, like how to potty train, get rid of the Binky, and even how to pick a preschool. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful this group was to me and M. when I suffered my ectopic pregnancy. I never feel alone at these meetings, even when I don't know anyone.

We all have a common thread tying us together...and we're all a little crazy because of it! ;)


ICLW for September 23:

Mom Of 2 Dancers
I Believe In Miracles
In Search of Biscuit 2.0
To Baby And Beyond
Between the Lines

And I returned a comment to What Am I?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Admitting To Blogging

I've been wanting to create a custom header for my blog. I thought I could do it myself. After spending about 20 minutes fooling around with it, all I had was a blue rectangle. Hmm. Defeat was imminent.

So, M. is a whiz at Photoshop.

But, by admitting defeat, I had to owe up to the blog. Surprisingly, he didn't laugh too hard. And made me a pretty cool header, too.


My ICLW list for September 22nd:

Isn't it pretty to think so...
The Binky Diaries
Teal Designs
Dreaming of a baby
It is Tuesday, right?

And I returned a comment to Creating New Life: Not As Easy As It Seems

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Winding Down The Weekend

Welcome ICLW visitors...and anyone else stopping by!

I'm excited that I remembered that ICLW starts today. I'm going to try and redeem myself from last month's pathetic attempt at it. To try and keep myself organized, I'm going to post what blogs I visited and commented on...we'll see how it goes!

Want to know about ICLW? Click here.


It's Sunday.


How? Why does the weekend seem to fly by, while the work week drags on?

Oh, well. It wasn't like I didn't do anything this weekend. Friday brought the impromptu porch party. Saturday was a college friend's bachelorette party. Today, Sunday, M. and I took Miss O. to an apple fest at a local orchard.

All and all a pretty good weekend. Lots of good times, good food, and good friends.


I wanted to participate in Show and Tell this week. Really, I did.

But EVERY time I tried to upload a picture from Go.ogle's into blogger, I was kicked off-line.

Any suggestions?


And now, September 21st's ICLW list of mine...

My Hope My Faith My Love
It's Not The End Of The World...
I Just Can't Keep My Mouth Shut