Thursday, October 30, 2008

Nothing To Say???

I have a mean case of writer's block.

Or should I say, "blogger-block". Is that a word?

Anyhoo, I configure all these posts in my head as my day goes along, yet when I sit down in front of the computer screen...*poof*, my mind goes blank.

I hope to break the cycle soon...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


It's snowing this morning.

Yes, it's SNOWING.

On October's going to be a long winter.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why I Love My Husband

Reason #5,252,002...

He gets it. Infertility, that is.

Now, this might sound obvious, but it's not. Until Wednesday night, I just thought he felt bad about our lack of a second child because I felt bad. Because he doesn't like to see me cry. Because it was the right thing to do. I felt like he tolerated my craziness when it came to IF. You know, he came along to the RE because he was expected to. I really thought that he didn't really care that we only had one child. Because any time I broke down about our lack of siblings for Miss O., he would say, "I'm just happy that we have her."

Then the news came.

M.'s brother called. They are pregnant. Again. Back in August, they spent the majority of a family gathering asking me, the infertile, how to get pregnant. Because, they had started to try again, and it hadn't worked yet. After. Three. Months. Apparently, I was helpful, because their due date is in May.

Here's how my phone call from M. went:

Photogrl: "Hey, what's up?"
M: "Nothing. I'm having a crappy night."
P: "Why? Is work being a pain?"
M: "No, I'm pissed off. And I've been pissed off all night."
P: "...OK?" (at this point, I'm wracking my brain for anything I could have done)
M: "It took me a while to figure out why I'm pissed, but then I figured it out. J. called and they are pregnant."
Yup, he finally admitted it. It hurts him, too, when people announce their pregnancies.
I love him.
3 days worth of ICLW visits squished into one entry.
Comments Returned:

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Two Years Ago

Dear Little One,

Boy, what a surprise!

Daddy and I were just finishing licking our wounds after another negative home pregnancy test, when we found out you were on your way. Mommy woke up one Saturday morning with a lot of abdominal pain. So bad, that she had to make a trip to the hospital emergency room.

At the hospital, Mommy's worst fears were realized, when they found you in my left tube. I was whisked away into surgery and never even got to see an ultrasound picture of you.

I wish you would have found your way into my comfy uterus...Miss O. would have loved having a baby sister or brother!



It's been two years since that very scary morning.

About three weeks prior to the pain, I had taken a home pregnancy test. Negative. No big surprise there, and a few days later I started my period. At least that's what I thought. It was really light, more like spotting then a real flow. That should have been my first clue.

The week leading up to that Saturday morning, I started spotting again. I joked with my cousin, "How am I supposed to get pregnant, when my period won't stop?" I even called my doctor that Friday, to ask him about the mid-cycle spotting. "Don't worry.", he said, "Just come on in on Monday and we'll talk."

I never made it to that appointment.

Around 3 o'clock in the morning on Saturday, I awoke from deep sleep with stomach cramps. Shortly after 4, the vomiting started. As I laid on the bathroom floor, I thought about what I had ate for dinner the night before. A sub from a gas station. Hmm. Probably shouldn't have ate there, but as a photographer, on a Friday night...I was just grabbing something quick between high school football games. An hour and many trips to the bathroom later, I was convinced that I had food poisoning.

M. woke up for work at 5:30am, and found me awake with a heating pad on my belly. He questioned me, but I shrugged him off, saying I just must have had some bad food or maybe the flu. He kept asking if I wanted him to call off work, but I told him I'd be fine.

Boy, was I wrong about that.

The pain in my belly was growing harder and harder to ignore. It was starting to come in waves...much like contractions. But how could that be? I'm not pregnant, I kept thinking.

My little sister was living with M., Miss O. and me at the time. Thank goodness. I made my way downstairs to her bedroom about 8 o'clock and woke her up. She took one look at me and said, "We're going to the hospital." She carried my little girl out to her car seat and helped me into the car. We must have been quite the sight walking into the ER...a two year old, still in her pajamas, me hunched over, barely able to walk, and my sister trying to keep us all going in the same direction.

Never go to an ER that is just starting up, trust me.

When they checked me in, the did the usual questioning and testing. The doctor came in and said, "You're pregnant." I started crying, because I knew something was really wrong. He then continued, "It seems that you're miscarrying, but we need to transfer you because we can't do an ultrasound here on the weekends." What? I told him, "I've miscarried before and it didn't feel like this.", and I asked for pain medicine. He refused to give me any. I later found out that was because they needed to definitively diagnose the ectopic first, but I just hated him for it at the time. So, I got to ride in an ambulance for 20 minutes to the main branch of the hospital. With no pain meds. I swear they hit every single bump on purpose. It was loads of fun.

Downtown, as they wheeled me in, I finally saw M. I started to cry and he teared up. They took me off to ultrasound, where I had quite the experience with the tech. Trans.vag.inal ultrasounds are not very fun to begin with, add the pain I was experiencing and I could have jumped off the bed when she started doing her thing. Not to mention the great bedside manner. Like a block of ice, I tell you. And the best was when she told me she couldn't see anything, and I'd probably be sent home, and just have some follow up blood work.

I remember crying in the hallway outside of the ultrasound room, waiting to be wheeled back to the ER. I was so scared. Something was wrong, and no one seemed to be listening to me.

Finally, back in the ER, the doc came in and said, "You have a mass on your left ovary, and we've confirmed an ectopic pregnancy in your left tube. We have to take you into surgery."

It's the only time I've ever been worried that I might not wake up from a procedure. As they prepped me in the operating room, I just kept thinking, "This can't be happening. I have a two year old to take care of."

I made it through the surgery. My left tube didn't.

Just Call, OK?

Note to future interviewees, I need to know if you're going to stand me up.

I'm a producer. What's that mean? Well, I put together an hour long local TV news show. The show starts with the news of the day and weather, like most newscasts do. But because I have an hour long show, I have 2 live interview segments that I fill, usually with happy news. Or fluff. You know, the chairperson for the spaghetti dinner that's on Sunday or actors from the local theater production. They last about three minutes.

Yesterday, at 4:59pm, I walked into the control room feeling pretty good. Felt like I had a solid, interesting show and was looking forward to 6pm when I could walk out the door. Within 15 minutes, everything began to go downhill. And when you're dealing with live TV, everything snowballs, quickly.

There's an interview that happens EVERY week, on Tuesday. His secretary emails me a topic every week and tells me he'll be here.

Except he didn't come. And I didn't know he wasn't here, until, like, 2 minutes before he was to be on the show.

Two minutes.

Not a lot you can do in two minutes, except panic. Trying to be calm, I quickly rearranged my show, so that no one at home would know that anything was wrong. Thank goodness, the sports guy is always willing to come on and fill a hole for me. Because in TV, 3 minutes is an eternity!

It wasn't pretty, but the viewers at home were none the wiser. And that's what counts.

So, if you're ever asked to be on a TV newscast, make sure you show up. Or call. Please.

Adding my ICLW visits for the last two days!
October 21st:
October 22nd:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

October ICLW Begins...

Ok, enough wallowing and whining for me.

Time to move on. I feel better today. Making it to the gym always helps, and I succeeded in that this morning, too.


Welcome to anyone who's visiting from ICLW!

I can't believe that it's already time to participate again. The last month just flew by.

A little background for new readers. I'm a thirty-something year old who is dealing with secondary infertility. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl, Miss O., who is four years old. I have four pregnancy losses under my belt, and each one has been way different from the last. My husband, M., has been told that he has "super sperm" by the RE, so he's not the problem. We are currently on an RE break, as we try to save some money for IVF. Hopefully, we'll get lucky with a sticky pregnancy in the meantime, and save ourselves a butt load of $!

I tend to blog about our IF issues, weight loss, and just life in general. I hope you stick around!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Question...

Q: What's the quickest way to get your period, if it's late?

A: Take a home pregnancy test. As soon as your body sees the word NOT in front of pregnant, it will kick into gear with a horrible batch of cramps, which lead to Cycle day 1.

It's official.
I'm infertile now.
It's been over a year since my last BFP.
I don't know what to do. Do I give up? Do I keep trying?
This sucks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Candle Is Burning...

I just lit my candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss day.

As I watch the flame flicker, random dates run through my head...

Jan. 13, 2006 -- my 2nd BFP, ever.
Feb. 13, 2006 -- my first D&C
Sept. 18, 2006 -- my EDD for my first miscarriage
Oct. 23, 2006 -- emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy
July 4, 2007 -- BFP!
July 24, 2007 -- miscarriage #2
Nov. 24, 2007 -- BFP!
Nov 31, 2007 -- chemical pregnancy

So many dates, so many unfulfilled dreams.

Just do me a favor, if anyone in real life mentions going through a loss...just listen.

And offer a hug.

I'm Still Kicking...

I can't believe I haven't posted since last week.

M. and I had a fantastic Sunday, complete with Miss O.'s first ever hike. Pictures and post to follow...I promise!

As for my Watch.ers beginning, it has gone great! I weighed in on Monday, after a week of counting points AND making it to the gym three times....I lost 5 pounds!

So far this week, my eating hasn't been quite as good, but I've made it the gym twice already, and I'm up to 11 minutes of running in my 35 minute workout. Not great, but you gotta start somewhere...right?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Spring Cleaning...

Albeit in the fall. Although, it sure felt like a summer day!

M. and I decided a while back that it was time to clean the carpets. We really want to tear up the carpet in the living and dining room, and get our hardwood floors refinished...but with the great week the stock market had, THAT won't be happening anytime soon. We talked about it, we discussed calling a company to do it, yet neither of us ever did anything about it.

Until, today. We walked into the local big box hardware store, and rented a carpet cleaner. The nice girl behind the counter asked if we wanted it for 4 hours or 24? We looked at each other, and said, "24...We've never used anything like this before." I had horrible worries that it would take forever to move furniture, dust, and vacuum before we could even begin to use the carpet cleaner.

I am proud to say that in just 4 hours, we managed to clean our living room, dining room, and Miss O.'s playroom. And my carpet is thanking me.

So are our socks.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I'm So Tired...

It's been a LONG week.

I'm ready for the weekend.

But, I did eat healthy so far this week, and I made it to the gym 3 times!

No clue where I am in my cycle...and for once, I'm happy about that.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Snail Eggs And Infertility

Dealing with infertility is really starting to mess with my brain.

For example, M. was surfing channels last night, as we were waiting for the 11pm news to come on. He stopped on the Dis.covery channel (one of our faves!) to see what the host of Bizarre Foods was eating. Turns out it was snail eggs, which the French are apparently calling a new kind of caviar. Really? I mean, I've ate snails, Ala escargot, but here some French guy has made a contraption to collect snail eggs, so that he can add brine and sell a kilo of the stuff for $1500! I think I'm in the wrong line of work.

Anyways, as I'm watching the host try the eggs, I'm suddenly freaked out. I mean, I've watched this guy eat a ton of really gross looking food before, why would watching him eat little white snail eggs bother me? And then it dawned on me. I said to M., "What does it say about me, that all I can think about are MY eggs in MY ovaries, and I see him eating them!"


Does this mean I'm a little obsessed?

Monday, October 6, 2008

It's Official...

I'm fat. Again.

Honestly, my weight goes up and down so much, so quickly, that I could win an award for the most yo-yo'ing. Ever.

This summer, I trained for a triathlon. I did it, I completed it, and I lost around 15 pounds give or take a couple. I felt great. I still had quite a bit of weight to lose to be healthy, but I felt "in shape".

I got lazy.

Since starting my new "day" shift at work, I haven't been able to figure out a time to go to the gym, without feeling like I was cheating Miss O. or M. from time with me. It's been eight weeks, and I've probably only made it to the gym...hmm, maybe 5 times!?!

Finally, this morning I forced myself to get up and go to the gym before work. After walking my two miles, I forced myself to get on the scale. In my gut, I knew I wasn't going to like the number. My clothes have begun to get a little tight, you know, buttons pulling and waistbands constricting a little too much. In my head, as I took a deep breath, I thought of a number that would be awful to see...and one I sure hoped wouldn't stare me in the face. In my mind, I figured as long as that number didn't appear, whatever the scale said wouldn't sting as much.

I was wrong.

The scale only read seven pounds below *that* number in my head. I have successfully gained all 15 pounds back and then one more.

Wow. In eight weeks.

So, time to get serious again. Wei.ght Watch.ers, you have been both friend and foe. Please, be kind to me now. I'm going to aim for going to the gym at LEAST three times a week. It's a start. You have to start somewhere...


Friday, October 3, 2008

Sleep Deprived

You would think, because Miss O. is almost 5 years old that we would have this whole bedtime routine down pat by now. Wouldn't you?

Yeah, not so much.

I can try to blame it on the fact that I worked until 11pm or later for the last ten years. Or that M. just never enforced the bedtime routine. And maybe those are valid reasons...but honestly, I think it's a cop out.

Miss O. will not go to sleep on her own, because I (we) have NEVER made her. *gasp*

When she was little and nursing, it was a matter of logistics. My job did not allow for pumping, so we supplemented with formula. But when I was with her, I breastfed her. Which meant that at 11pm or so, when I got home from work...I needed to feed her. Immediately. If for nothing other than my own comfort...and so I could have a little time with my baby.

As she grew older, I liked that she didn't go to bed at a certain time. It often meant that she didn't get up at the crack of dawn, like most kids. I loved that she slept until eight or nine o'clock in the morning. For me, it meant that I got enough sleep, too.

But now, I'm realizing that my little one needs more sleep. Because naps are SO last year, she needs to go to bed earlier.

That's why I'm sleep deprived now.

All week, I have been trying to get her into a bedtime routine. Put our pj's on, brush our teeth, read three books, and go to bed. It all goes really well until the going to bed thing. Every night within five minutes of leaving her bedroom, I hear the pitter-patter of little feet on my hardwood floors. So, I put her back in bed. And, five minutes later we repeat. And repeat...and repeat. Eventually, I get so tired that I lay down with her.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier...I hope I'm right.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Crafts and Weddings...Take 2

Well, as promised, I finally got the pictures of the card box off my camera and onto the computer...

I first painted with acrylics, then I added ribbon.


It's going to be another busy weekend.

Two weddings on Saturday, both out of town. Fortunately, they are near each other...I don't know how I would have picked between them.

Sunday will bring a trip to a indoor water park. The second bride invited us to come "play" while they let their hair down from planning a wedding. How cool is that? We haven't told Miss O. about this part, she is going to be surprised!

I'm looking forward to a weekend full of friends and food!

ETA: Posting pictures is becoming quite frustrating for me! Any time I go to post a post with pictures (...if that even makes sense) I get kicked offline! I have DSL..what is the problem? Help!?!