3,470 Miles

That's how many miles I've traveled by CAR over the last five days.

3,470 miles.

Two family visits, a wedding, and almost meeting for coffee with one of my favorite bloggers, I'm home.

For 5 days I lived without the Internet, if you don't count me using M.'s blackberry to check email, and survived. Miss O. really traveled well and it was a great time.

BUT my number of unread blogs in my reader proves it.

I have plenty to tell you all, and plenty to catch up on.

My goal for the next two evenings is to try and catch up on the blogs I read, and maybe even craft a post or two of my own.

I've felt so lost!

In the meantime, if anything good, bad, or otherwise important has happened in your life, make sure to leave me a comment, and I'll check on you first.

Like A Pile Of Bricks

Fun little conversation I had this morning at work.


It occurred right after our "morning meeting", which is when we decide who's covering what stories for the day, in the middle of the newsroom. My co-worker, who is aware of our fertility issues, including our losses, stops me and says, "Did I tell you the news?".

Crap.


I'm sure you know where this is heading, right?

So, the conversation goes something like this...

::::::::::::::::::::

Photogrl: big breath in..."No, what news?"
Coworker: "My wife and I are expecting #2!"
Photogrl: fakes big smile, "That's great! How far along?"
Coworker: "We think about 5 and 1/2 weeks..."

::::::::::::::::::::

Seriously?


As soon as he told me his news, I felt that familiar feeling of panic. It's like someone is sitting on
my chest, just squeezing all the air out of my lungs. I could feel my heart begin to race, and had to fight back the tears. All while appearing to be excited about the news.


In the middle of the newsroom.

I'm happy for them. Honestly. They're a great couple and have a darling little one. But, I'm a little ticked about the way he told me.


It made me wonder if I would ever NOT feel the panic.

I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, when it comes to hearing pregnancy announcements. Don't skirt around the issue, but upfront, be honest. I realize that a lot of us who suffer from IF don't feel the same as me. It's one of those things that is very different depending on where you are within your IF journey, and who's giving you the news.


What annoyed me this morning was that I was blind sided by a "friend"...

Someone I thought had a clue about how I feel about that kind of news. I understand he was really excited, and couldn't help himself, but he couldn't have called me at home or at least pulled me aside, privately?


And don't even get me started on the telling the news before the stick even dries...

::::::::::::::::::::

So, what do you do in these types of situations? How do you want to be told?

Big Box

Last Thursday morning, I paced my living room anxiously, praying that Fed Ex would bring my delivery before 9:30, so I could still get to work on time. I kept walking back and forth, looking out the window, hoping to see the big white truck stop out front. The pharmacy had promised me the box would come by 10 am.

The problem?

I have to be at work by 10, and I really didn't want to have to explain that I was late because I was waiting on a big box of fertility medication. That would raise a few eyebrows.


Twenty-five minutes after 9, my wish was granted. The white truck pulled up, the delivery woman jumped out, and brought the big box to my front door. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm pretty sure I jumped up and down and let out a squeal!

Here's what the box looked like...

I quickly opened it, to get the folli.stim out and into my refrigerator.

Inside, I found two envelopes and a small cooler.

After safely placing my folli.stim in the fridge, I ran out the door and got to work on time.

No one was the wiser.

Later, that evening, M. And I spent some time going through the package and marking off items. I wanted to make sure everything that was ordered was there, and explain some of it to M.

Once it was all laid out, it took up three quarters of my coffee table!

We are ready to roll here at Not The Path I Chose.

Out Of The Mouths Of Husbands...

M. And I were sitting on the couch the other night.


Out of the blue, he looked over at me and said, "I was just thinking. How weird is it that in the other room we have a vial of the drug that Manny Ramirez* used that led to his 50 game suspension."

Only M., an avid baseball fan, would make the connection.

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*Ramirez is accused of testing positive for hCG, which is typically used by steroid users to restart their bodies' natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle.

Rambling Thoughts...

This is one of those posts where I have a lot to say, but don't know how to organize it, or the time...sorry!

• First and foremost, thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, suggestions about my BIL's diagnosis and my feelings regarding it. I just love you all!
• Only working 3 days this week was 3 days too many.
• Can't wait to share my pics from out west.
• The BIG box of meds came yesterday. WOW! To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement.
• $4,700 of medicine, thank goodness for insurance coverage. I paid just under $200 out of pocket.
• I was thisclose to losing 15 pounds in 10 weeks, yet it only took 1 week to gain 4.2 pounds.
• Hot & humid weather is less than desirable.
• Unpacking suitcases is not nearly as fun as packing them
• August seems forever away
• I'm finally caught up on my go.ogle re.ader, all 250 posts read!
• Ice cream sounds good.
• Jon & Kate + 8 just makes me sad.
• A week from today, we're heading south, to Georgia, for another wedding.
• Wonder if AF will be late, now that I want her to come on time?
• Laundry, laundry, laundry.

And The Hits...

...they just keep coming.

I'm in shock.

Angry.

Shamed.

Scared.

Sad.

Furious.

All at the same time.

This time, it isn't about me. It's my little sister.

My only sis, who hasn't even been married a year. My sister, who came to me with worries of infertility. And I shrugged her off, telling her that she was young, that it wouldn't be a problem for them. Even worse, I was ticked. I was convinced, in my mind, that she would be pregnant before I could conceive and carry another child. I told her not to worry, that at her age, no doc would look at them until they were trying for a year.

I feel horrible for so much that I didn't say, but thought over the last few months. I'm so ashamed.

About two months ago, she mentioned that her husband had finally given a sample to be tested.

The sperm sample came back low. Really low. Like almost a zero count.

They waited a month. Consulted with my RE, Dr. Hope. I'm not proud of myself, but I was not happy that they were seeing my RE. Selfishly, I felt like she was encroaching on my territory. I told her not to worry, the next sample would be better. I tried to keep hope alive.

Another sample was given. Still a zero count.

They were shuffled off to a urologist recommended by my RE. More blood work, an ultrasound. Last week, her husband underwent multiple biopsies to see if there were usable sperm in his tissue.

Today they had their follow up appointment.

She called me just as I was leaving work today and asked if I could come over to his parents house. I could tell something was wrong, but I never could have imagined what. I was actually a little short with her on the phone. I don't like to not know what I'm walking into, and I selfishly thought that she wanted me to come and explain some things about IVF. To his parents. I was so wrong.

He has tes.tic.ular can.cer.

Life is not fair.

Back In The Saddle

I'm back!

Vacation was very relaxing, minus traveling, and well needed.


I'm going to work on catching you all up on my life, over the next few days, including the IVF consult, the anger incident, vacation, and other exciting things. I promise!

Now, I'm off to catch up on all of you...and ICLW.