Saturday, January 31, 2009

Now I Wait.

I tested yesterday morning.

The test couldn't have been ANY more negative than it was.

A beautiful dark pink control line next to a sea of white. Not even a shadow of a second line. Trust me, I must have stared at it for a good five different light sources, and even stuck it under M.'s nose to see what he saw!

Pathetic, I know.

I just want her to show now. Get it over with, you know?

Only one more cycle until March!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cheating Myself...

That's what I'm doing right now.

A full weeks back, I wrote about how I was going to try and take on some healthy lifestyle changes. "I want to lose weight," I wrote. And I meant it. I really see an IVF cycle in the near future for us, and I want to give it the best chance of being successful.

The first week went great. I counted my points, made it to the gym three times and was rewarded with a quick 5 pound loss. Yay! But in the second week, I caught a nasty cold, felt exhausted, and could barely function. By the time I felt good enough to eat, I was ravenous. Points went out the window for the third week, as did the gym. With temperatures in the single to negative digits, I didn't want to take Miss O. out anymore than I had to in the weather.

That brings us to this week.

When I weighed in on Monday, my weight is the exact amount it was four weeks ago. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might actually be heavier than I was at the beginning of January. I've spent the last two days thinking about how I wasted the last four weeks. I'm about five weeks out from calling the RE to talk options, and I've lost nothing.

And that's when it hit me. I haven't stuck to my diet or exercise because I didn't WANT to.

That's right, I didn't WANT to.

Why? Because if I lose the weight, call the RE, and go ahead with the plan, I could be midst of my first IVF cycle by April. And I could be devastated by a BFN by that time, too.

Weight loss = IVF cycle. No weight loss = NO chance of failure.

Sick, isn't it?

As I write this, eating a plate full of veggies, I feel like I can move forward. I CAN do this. I went to the gym on Monday, and I made it 2 miles on the treadmill. This fat girl even ran for 5 minutes without stopping. I've made pretty good decisions, so far, on the food front, too.

After all, if I cheat, I'm only cheating myself of that chance of having another baby.

On the 2WW front, the closer my testing date gets, the less positive I feel.

Other than a super sensitive sniffer, I've got NO symptoms.

I'll test Friday, if the old witch doesn't show before then.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Going Crazy While Waiting...

I'm in the dreaded 2 week wait.

That 14 or so day period that the only thing that runs through your head is "Am I pregnant?" When you over analyze every symptom that you may or may not have.

I've got one week down, and only one to go before I might test.

Usually this is not a big deal to me. Especially since we haven't been seeing an RE lately. The pressure is kinda off me. You know, if it happens, it happens. But for some reason, I feel like this month actually holds some promise. I think I ovulated around cycle day 14, which is a miracle, considering I'm not medicated right now. And my "o" pain was on my right side, which is the side I still have a tube on. Yay!

Not that seeing those two lines means a baby, with my history, but it's a start.

As for a symptom watch, I've got a few. They could mean I'm pregnant, or they could mean my period is on it's way. A few pulls in the abdominal area this week, a little nausea, and my bre.asts seem heavy and full. Like spilling out of my bra, full. But that could mean I just need a new bra ;)

We'll see.


Oh, and this is my 100th post.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Interesting phone call today at work. It went something like this...

Me: "Hello, newsroom. Can I help you?"

Caller: "Uh, yes...(I can hear papers being moved around on the other end of the line) Yes, I'm thinking of putting my 15 year old on birth control. *pause* And I was wondering how much an appointment is?"

Me: "uh...uh, I'm sorry, you called a television station."

Caller: "Oh my G-d. I am so sorry."

Click. The line went dead.

I felt so bad for this mother. She sounded nervous enough, just asking the question. When I told her where she called she just sounded mortified. Poor thing.

Lesson learned today...double check your number before dialing.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

January ICLW

Welcome to anyone who's visiting from ICLW!

A little background for new readers.

I'm a thirty-something year old who is dealing with secondary infertility. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl, Miss O., who is four years old. I have four pregnancy losses under my belt, and each one has been way different from the last. My husband, M., has been told that he has "super sperm" by the RE, so he's not the problem. We are currently on an RE break, as we try to save some money for IVF.

Hopefully, we'll get lucky with a sticky pregnancy in the meantime, and save ourselves a butt load of $! If not, we head back to the RE in March.

I tend to blog about our IF issues, weight loss, and just life in general. I hope you stick around!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Show & Tell

For this week's Show and Tell, I thought I'd let you in on a little secret....
Linen Closet
This is my linen closet. I am so fortunate to have a built in, including drawers. Looks fine, right?
Here's a closer look...
Baby drawer
Yep, here's the secret. Shh...don't tell anyone. Miss O. is going to be 5 in March and I still have a drawer dedicated to her as a baby. In here resides all the hooded towels, small washclothes, burp clothes, and bibs. *Hangs head in shame*
Everytime I've thought about cleaning it out, I just couldn't do it. This drawer has such control over my mental well being. Because as unrational as it is, I've felt that if I clean it out, I'm giving up. Giving up hope that I will be blessed with another baby.
This weekend I finally faced those fears head on. I got a box out and emptied the entire drawer. It wasn't as painful as I expected. I did cry, and I'm not sure what to do with the box, but it's done.
I'm sure it won't take long to fill the drawer back up, right?
Wanna see what everyone else is showing? Click here.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Baby, It's Cold...


Brr. This morning, when I woke up, it was chilly. At first, I didn't think much of it, since we are barely getting out of the single digits in temperatures. But, man, my nose was COLD.
M. ran downstairs and took a look at the thermostat. "It's not running.", he yelled up the stairs at me. "I'll go down and take a look at it."


I jumped out of bed, threw on some warm clothes and headed downstairs. I looked at the thermostat. 48. I blinked and rubbed my eyes...I must be seeing things. Nope. My house was 48 degrees INSIDE.

So, that's how my day started.

The good news...our furnace guy was there in 15 minutes and had it fixed within an hour of arriving. And it only set us back about $200. The bad, I didn't get a shower before work. There was NO way I was getting into the shower at that temp!

I'm just glad I didn't need a new furnace.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I've got a case of the sniffles...again.

Why does it seem that every time I try to improve my diet and get back on the exercise bandwagon, THIS is what happens. I just started feeling good again. Healthy. Like I could try to run again.

Instead, I sit here tonight with a sinus pressure headache, a very sore nose, and a hacking cough.



Thank you all for the ideas for some supportive undergarments!

No Nord.strom's close to me here, but I'm going to take the advice of getting measured and going from there. I hate spending money on them, but I suppose they don't call it the foundation department for nothing!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Get The Vote Out!

First and foremost, have you voted for Mel yet? If not, click here, click on Stirrup Queens and then find your way back here. Today is the LAST day for voting, so make sure you get your vote in!


I'm having a blah day. You know, one of those days where you get up, get moving, think you look okay as you leave the house. I thought I looked cute this morning. I was wrong.

When I got into work, I usually but a pot of coffee on for me and some co-workers. The company offers free coffee, but it's not very good and I have to go to the 3rd floor to get it. Yep, I work in the basement...classy, no? Let's face it, I'm lazy and kind of a coffee snob. Who wants to truck up 3 flights of stairs for coffee you don't even like?
Anyways, I was filling up the carafe and I looked in the mirror.
Wow. I have NO idea what I was thinking when I got dressed this morning.
I have a green and brown cardigan sweater on with a brown turtleneck underneath. It's cold out & snowing again, so warmth is important. (the basement is not very warm, either). Sounds okay, right? Well, not so much. I don't know what's wrong with the outfit, but let's just say that I look like my bre.asts are hanging down to my waist. Could be the br.a, the shirt, or the way the cardigan is...I don't know.
But I won't be wearing it again.
As if i needed any more inspiration to lose weight, it was staring right back at me this morning.
In the form of a blob = me.
Any suggestions on that will hold you up...even if you're a D.D.D?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Show & Tell

This is my first try at Show & Tell...this is my car, buried in the snow.

On Friday night it started snowing. By Saturday morning we had about 7 inches on the ground. It didn't stop the snow continued to fall, about an inch an hour. We now have about 14 inches on the ground.


Have something to show? Click here.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Are You Serious???

Or, why I'm so angry I could spit nails right now.

M.'s brother is expecting baby #2 in May. I thought I had made peace with it, and actually somewhat enjoyed the holidays with him and his wife. The wife that was SO upset when they hadn't got pregnant after three WHOLE months of trying this summer, and asked me for advice.

I was fine...until I got this email, with ultrasound pictures attached yesterday.

"We just had our ultrasounds and the doctor saids it looks like a girl. Due date is still May 16th. The good news is we have all the hand me downs from J."

OMG. Are you for real? Don't sound so excited. The good news is that you have hand me downs??? How about the fact that everything looks good and the baby seems to be healthy?

I thought I was overreacting, maybe misunderstanding because it was an email, but then I talked to M. Apparently his brother called him to tell him the news. From what I'm told the call was basically filled with disappointment as he told my husband, "At least you still have a chance at getting Dad's train set." Is this what having a baby is all about? A train set?

All day, I had to force myself not to email him back. Because it wouldn't have been pretty.

I would give my right arm to have a baby, a sibling for Miss O. I wouldn't care if it was a boy, a girl, or a monkey. Okay, okay, a monkey would be a little weird, but you know what I mean. I would love to have a pregnancy advance to the point of having the "big" ultrasound again...what a milestone that would be for me. I don't know if I can handle another family get together, knowing that this baby is a disappointment. Because a baby is a miracle.

Am I overreacting, reading to far into it? What would you do?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Losing Battle

Doesn't everyone want to lose a few pounds?

It seems everywhere you look, you're inundated with messages on how to lose weight. Try this pill, eat only these can't escape the message. From TV shows to every woman's magazine out there, experts tout their plans. And, of course, their plan is the quickest, easiest, the best!

Now, I know I need to lose a *few* pounds. Alright, I need to lose a LOT of pounds to be considered healthy ;)

I have fought my weight almost my entire life. Throughout school, I participated in 3 sports a year, and looking back at pictures...I looked good. Healthy and very athletic. BUT, because I wasn't a tiny size, I went my whole high school career thinking I could stand to lose 20 pounds. I would give anything right now to look like I did my senior year of high school! Four years of college added about 20 pounds to my 5'3" frame, and I started my first "real" job. Boy, did I gain. No joke, only three months into my job, I had put on another 20 pounds. Really. That's what happens when you eat every meal out and don't exercise at ALL. At least for me.

I managed to get the weight off for my wedding, but it didn't last long. By the time I conceived Miss O, I was at my heaviest. Ever. And it sure didn't end there. I don't even know how much I weighed when I had her...I refused to look at the scale near the end. Bre.ast feeding her melted the weight off, but when I stopped nursing when she was 9 months old, I didn't change how I was eating. By her 1st birthday, I almost weighed as much as the day she was born. I worked hard to get all the "baby" weight off and then some between 2005 and 2006.

Ironically, I was at the lowest weight I've been at in YEARS when I had the ectopic pregnancy. And that's when I started gaining again.

So, I'm currently just below what I weighed when I got pregnant in 2003. I'm not at my heaviest, thank goodness, but I'm not comfortable with where I am or how my clothes are fitting. AND, since it looks like 2009 is going to be the year we decide to give IVF a shot, I need to get on the ball. 'Cause if I'm going to lay down that kind of cash, I want to give it the best opportunity to happen, you know?

The good news is M. is on board with me. He wants to lose a few pounds, so we're both currently counting points. And we've made it to the gym twice so far this week! I've told him, this isn't a diet this's going to be a way of life. I don't want Miss O ever to worry about her weight or tie her self-esteem into a number on the scale. I just want her to be healthy and happy.

Here's to a slimmer, and VERY healthy 2009!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Wrapping up 2008... 2009!

I have started and stopped this post more times that I care to admit. It's now five days into the new year, and I figure I better stop nit-picking and just post it.

2008 started out as THE year. It ended up being just A year.

Here's a recap.

January: I had just survived a merger, minus quite a bit of pay, but hey, I had a job! Also, started seeing an RE...plenty of hope to go around.

February: IUI #1 cancelled due to dominant follies on the left side.

March: Full speed ahead, beautiful follies on my right side. Trigger shot, and 2, count 'em, 2 IUI's a day a part. How could this NOT work?

April: IUI = BFN. Boo! A trip to the land of Mouse helps lessen the pain.

May: No IUI again. Hello, left ovary...stop being an overachiever, please. Oh, and I hate my new job duties.

June: RE break. Start training for a sprint triathlon. We're going to do this naturally, it's happened before, it can happen again, right? Start acupuncture to help that along.

July: Complete my first sprint triathlon. Find a few weeks of appreciation for what my body can do, before I get another BFN and failed cycle.

August: Another month of acupuncture, another beautiful chart, another BFN. Are you kidding me?

September: New position at work...loving it! Have to give up the acupuncture, though, can't get to an appointment.

October: Yup, you guessed it, a BFN.

November: After a 44 day cycle with many, many BFN's and a negative beta, I realize that it's been a full year since I've seen those two pink lines.

December: Miss O gets sick, M. gets sick, I get sick. Just before the holidays, we are all finally better.

So, one year later, I'm no closer to another child, than I was at this time last year. But, I have found a wonderful community of people who get it. Who understand what the struggle is. Some who've overcome the odds and give me such hope.

And for that I am extremely thankful.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Year!

Christmas, New Year's and all holiday gatherings are FINALLY over.

Don't get me wrong, I love family and family gatherings...but this year, with Christmas and New Year's falling on a Thursday, it's just been really tiring. I've had both days off (for the 1st time in years!), yet I've had to work on Friday the day after both. This means to see my family, we've traveled 2 hours by car to and from in one day. It's not a bad trip, but I'm exhausted after spending 4 hours on 3 separate days over the course of ONE week, because we couldn't stay over because of MY work schedule.

Even tonight, I got off work, we had to go M.'s parents to do Christmas one more time with his brother and sister in law. Whew.

I have SO many posts running through my head. I have a "wrapping" up 2008 post, and a what I hope for in 2009 post. Hopefully, I can knock them out tomorrow. I'm ready to just sit at home and do what I want to do...which is catch up on every one's blogs and find out what you all have been doing for the holidays!

So, what was your favorite part of the holidays this year? Or did you just feel overwhelmed, like me?