Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cheating Myself...

That's what I'm doing right now.

A full weeks back, I wrote about how I was going to try and take on some healthy lifestyle changes. "I want to lose weight," I wrote. And I meant it. I really see an IVF cycle in the near future for us, and I want to give it the best chance of being successful.

The first week went great. I counted my points, made it to the gym three times and was rewarded with a quick 5 pound loss. Yay! But in the second week, I caught a nasty cold, felt exhausted, and could barely function. By the time I felt good enough to eat, I was ravenous. Points went out the window for the third week, as did the gym. With temperatures in the single to negative digits, I didn't want to take Miss O. out anymore than I had to in the weather.

That brings us to this week.

When I weighed in on Monday, my weight is the exact amount it was four weeks ago. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might actually be heavier than I was at the beginning of January. I've spent the last two days thinking about how I wasted the last four weeks. I'm about five weeks out from calling the RE to talk options, and I've lost nothing.

And that's when it hit me. I haven't stuck to my diet or exercise because I didn't WANT to.

That's right, I didn't WANT to.

Why? Because if I lose the weight, call the RE, and go ahead with the plan, I could be midst of my first IVF cycle by April. And I could be devastated by a BFN by that time, too.

Weight loss = IVF cycle. No weight loss = NO chance of failure.

Sick, isn't it?

As I write this, eating a plate full of veggies, I feel like I can move forward. I CAN do this. I went to the gym on Monday, and I made it 2 miles on the treadmill. This fat girl even ran for 5 minutes without stopping. I've made pretty good decisions, so far, on the food front, too.

After all, if I cheat, I'm only cheating myself of that chance of having another baby.

On the 2WW front, the closer my testing date gets, the less positive I feel.

Other than a super sensitive sniffer, I've got NO symptoms.

I'll test Friday, if the old witch doesn't show before then.


  1. BOY do I understand those thought processes all too well.

    Yah for a plate of veggies! Good Luck

  2. I understand COMPLETELY. I was discussing this very concept last night with my husband. A BFN after the enormous investment (physically, monetarily, emotionally) of IVF would be devastating.

    You CAN do this. So can I. Here's to us and our future!


  3. Awesome job going back to the gym and eating those veggies!! I can totalllllly relate. this past week i went numb and did whatever. ugh. But your post is motivating me!!

  4. You can do this! Your desire and mental process is half the battle. It seriously, really is. If you don't have the right attitude, it won't happen.

    YOU CAN DO THIS! I'm doing it right along with you. I didn't have the passion and drive a year ago. But I have it now. Now is YOUR TIME! Let's go, girlfriend, and get us a couple of pregnant bellies in the end.

  5. I also understand the big "let's lose weight" and to have it fall apart, but I LOVE to eat too much!