Friday, January 9, 2009

Are You Serious???

Or, why I'm so angry I could spit nails right now.

M.'s brother is expecting baby #2 in May. I thought I had made peace with it, and actually somewhat enjoyed the holidays with him and his wife. The wife that was SO upset when they hadn't got pregnant after three WHOLE months of trying this summer, and asked me for advice.

I was fine...until I got this email, with ultrasound pictures attached yesterday.

"We just had our ultrasounds and the doctor saids it looks like a girl. Due date is still May 16th. The good news is we have all the hand me downs from J."

OMG. Are you for real? Don't sound so excited. The good news is that you have hand me downs??? How about the fact that everything looks good and the baby seems to be healthy?

I thought I was overreacting, maybe misunderstanding because it was an email, but then I talked to M. Apparently his brother called him to tell him the news. From what I'm told the call was basically filled with disappointment as he told my husband, "At least you still have a chance at getting Dad's train set." Is this what having a baby is all about? A train set?

All day, I had to force myself not to email him back. Because it wouldn't have been pretty.

I would give my right arm to have a baby, a sibling for Miss O. I wouldn't care if it was a boy, a girl, or a monkey. Okay, okay, a monkey would be a little weird, but you know what I mean. I would love to have a pregnancy advance to the point of having the "big" ultrasound again...what a milestone that would be for me. I don't know if I can handle another family get together, knowing that this baby is a disappointment. Because a baby is a miracle.

Am I overreacting, reading to far into it? What would you do?


  1. I've been there too with family. Some just don't "get it". It's a chip on your shoulder you'll probably always have.

    No, I don't think you're overreacting. But the net-net here is some will never understand until they walk a mile in your shoes. And the hard part is accepting that and not letting it eat you alive.

    I'm still working on that.

  2. nope, that would piss me off too. A girl can only take so much!

  3. that pisses me off too! such b.s. sorry that members of your family don't have the "dumb things NOT to say to infertiles" filter turned on.

  4. That really pisses me off! So I am curious did you ever email back?

    It is amazing what some people say and you have a right to be upset. Sadly, no matter what is done, understanding why a comment one said will never come to be. Neither you or the person who said it will ever be able to answer their reasoning.

    I tried this with a friend who said to me, "You still married him, even though you knew he couldn't have children." When I asked her about it she recalled making the statement but was not sure why she had said it in the first place.


  5. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. That is pretty frustrating that they would react that way period much less let you in on it knowing your struggle. Hang in there.

  6. Oh yeah and yes the Wii is incredible! I don't think I've gone one day without playing it yet!! :)

  7. Just found your blog and wanted to say I UNDERSTAND! Completely and 100%. You're not over-reacting, in my opinion.

    When my SIL got pregnant after 2-3 months of trying (we had been trying for a year at that point) we got into an argument.

    Mind you, we both have another SIL who has no children and infertility issues, and she has the gall to write me an email, "You know, *I* am the one who is pregnant. You all need to support ME" (because I was telling her that I thought she was insensitive and was unsupportive to my issues).


    She does follow my blog, though, so please don't comment back on that. Just wanted you to know that I understand and that I care!!! *HUGS*

  8. A good friend of mine was due with baby #2 the same week I had been due with the baby I miscarried. She, knowing of our loss, complained after their 18 week ultrasound about their disappointment that it was another boy -- "but we can always try again." I almost killed her.

    So, no, I don't think you're overreacting at all. Some people are just horrifically insensitive. Sorry :(

  9. Oh, I know how you feel. I hear insensitive stuff like that from H's colleagues all the time. I've shared some of my infertility story with my brother (he's getting married this year), and even though he knows how badly I want children, he constantly talks about how he hates kids, how irritating they are, how he NEVER wants to have any...

    And part of me wants to scream, "eff you!" at him- how can you just point-blank hate children? But frankly, the other part of me is comforted that they won't be getting knocked up the day after the wedding, which buys me a little more time (I'm older, and it would TOTALLY suck to have the first grandkid come from my baby brother...).

    Family... Gosh, I just have to wonder sometimes how we survive those ties...

  10. I think it is so insensitive and disgusting. I am sorry.

    Good luck with the weight loss

  11. lol to the monkey part of it.

    dude, i'd be pissed off!

    my sil announced she was pregnant the week after i miscarried. she peed on a stick and then emailed the pic out THE WEEK after!

    some people are jerkfaces. and they won't know what it's like until they go through it. things come back around though...

    Anyway, i give you tons and tons of credit for not exploding and sending an email back right away. Take maturity and sensitivity which this woman clearly does not have right now.