Saturday, January 30, 2010

Tale of Two Sisters

I only have one sibling, a little sister.

She's almost 5 years my junior, and growing up we were never really close. It was hard. We didn't have any mutual friends, due to the age difference. Honestly, we're really wired very differently. While I'm one trying to please everyone, she's all about drama...even if it has nothing to do with her.

As we grew older, we finally started to grow a little closer.

My mother's sickness and death affected our relationship in both good and bad ways. Suddenly, I was thrust into the mother role for her. She was only 4 months into her first job after college when Mom died. A few years later, M. and I traveled 4 states away to remove her from a crappy relationship and let her live with us for over a year. I'm the one she comes to with "mom" issues. She called me all the time, and hung out with Miss O. and I every Saturday.

I've mentioned in previous posts, my fear of her falling pregnant before me, her husband's MFI, the guilt I felt over my feelings, and the awful diagnosis of test.icular cancer. It's been a really rough 9 months for the 2 of them.

While I was in the midst of my IVF cycle in late October, she was also cycling for the 2nd time. Her first cycle was cancelled due to poor response of her ovaries. I didn't write much about it, because I didn't know what to write.

She triggered and had her egg retrieval while I was in the dreaded 2 week wait. They retrieved 13 mature eggs. At the same time, he underwent his surgery to hopefully get some good sp.erm. The doctors found nothing. Not one. They left the clinic without a chance, just 13 eggs frozen for the future, maybe.

I worried about telling her the results of my cycle, but she knew my timeline. She called the day of my beta. I was honest, and I could tell that it stung. You know, you're happy for the person you love, but your heart is breaking because it's NOT you.

In the last 3 months, our relationship has changed again. She doesn't call me as often, doesn't text me daily. She's spent time with Miss O. and I only once in the last 6 weeks. It's like the elephant in the middle of the room.

I have what she wants and I can't fix it.


What would you do? What have you done in a similar situation?

I'm fully aware that some of the "uncomfortableness" could be my mind playing with me...because I'm worried of hurting her.

I'm just sad.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I haven't posted in over a week.


Someone is slacking. *looks around*

This last week, I've been trying to make a dent in my go.ogle rea.der and then ICLW started. I enjoy it so much, and make sure to comment and read new blogs, but often my own blog suffers.

Oh, well.

So, if you're stopping by for ICLW or a regular reader, I apologize.

If you haven't stopped by here's a quick rundown on me. I'm Photogrl, who's been married to M. for almost 8 years. We were quickly blessed with Miss O. almost 6 years ago. Once we decided to add to our family, we found out that conceiving number 2 was not going to be easy. Four years, 5 losses, and one tube later, our first IVF cycle was successful and we're expecting twins!

For a laugh, because I still can't believe it happened, I'll leave you with a picture of me after going out to lunch with my sister this afternoon. I was boxing up Miss O.'s leftover pasta, and somehow it ended up flying off the table, all over me and landing pretty close to the next table.

Here's the damage...


SO embarrassing!

Thursday, January 14, 2010


This week, I gave up trying to hide my growing belly and moved into my maternity clothes.


I'm SO much more comfortable now!

Along with that, M. and I decided that it was time to go public. We had already told family and close friends, but it was time to tell work.

I'm still uncomfortable about it.

I can't quite believe that I'm going to babies in July.

The growing girth of my abdomen, along with my ravenous appetite should be a clue, but it's so hard to let your guard down and believe. I wasn't sure that I was ready to hear every one's opinions about the fact that we're having 2 babies or field the questions about did we expect twins? Did we have help conceiving?

Overall, I must say I've been pleasantly surprised.

Other than a question here or there about whether twins run in the family, most people have been nothing but supportive and excited for us. Most of my fears have been unfounded.


I was shocked when me boss flat out asked me if I was going to be returning after my leave. Maybe "asked" isn't the right phrase, more like made the decision for me. I was called into the office, where I was asked about my intentions after leave. After I hemmed & hawed about not knowing yet, and that it was still early in my pregnancy, the boss looked at me and stated simply, "Well, I've thought about your situation and I just can't see how you COULD return. You'll be signing your check over to daycare costs and you'll be exhausted."


Too bad that it's MY decision.

M. and I have just started to talk about what we'll do after the babies are born. We've started cutting back and are trying to pay off any extra bills to help us make our decision. I know that I probably won't want to go back to work, but I'm sure not ready to make that decision right now.

Not to sound like a downer, but honestly, I have no guarantees that I'll have one baby, let alone TWO at the end of this. I have no reason to believe that I won't, everything looks great, I'm farther along than I've made it in 5 pregnancies. You just never know.

Unfortunately, that is reality. It doesn't always end with sunshine and happiness.

I wish I could be naïve and believe that everything will be just fine.

But I can't.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

My Hips Are Thankful.

Friday night, after 14 weeks, M. gave me my finally PIO shot!

I would have done anything to be blessed with these 2 little ones, including continuing the shots if I had to, but I can't lie...I'm super happy to be done with them. They really weren't that bad, until the last few weeks, when it didn't matter how quick M. did it, the pain just kept getting worse. Oh, and the itching! It didn't matter how much lotion I put on my hips they itched incessively. My face is already clearing up now that I'm not injecting oil directly into my body.

Over the weekend, I unplugged.

No blogs, no email, no computer. For the first time in a while, I had some energy and decided to take advantage of it. M. and I finished cleaning up holiday decorations, and reorganized the living room. We spent time just playing with Miss O., just hanging out as a family.

Now, I must catch up....but it was well worth it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


It's International Blog Delurking Week!

Since I've been horrible lately at having anything to post here...just too tired and frankly, quite boring right now...I figured why not mention this?

If you're a regular reader, I'd love to know you are! And I'd love to make sure that I'm reading your blog. Just raise your hand, post a comment and say hi!

It's hard to always keep up with everyone...I do plenty of reading and commenting, BUT I'll be honest, when my Go.ogle reader hits 100 plus, I tend to lurk to catch up and then comment later.

So, leave me a comment.

Then, you can go back to lurking...because I'm doing a lot of that myself these days ;)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Got My Fix...

Yes, I got my fix on Wednesday.

I'm officially an ultrasound junkie.

It's not something I'm proud of, but seeing the babies move around just gives me such joy and relief! And hearing their heartbeats? Oh, I'm in love. I don't understand how this pregnancy with Miss O. only consisted of 3 ultrasounds the entire nine months and I was fine. This time, if I go more than 2 weeks without one, I get all jittery and start to worry. It's ridiculous!

My OB appointment went really well. M. and I arrived early, because I knew there would be a lot of paperwork to fill out, being a new patient and all. I had a mild panic attack when I couldn't figure out my "last menst.rual period" date. After 4 years, of struggling, where I knew my LMP by heart for months at a time, I couldn't believe that I didn't have a date in my mind. I asked the receptionist, do I use the period before Lu.pron or my bleed after Lu.pron? She looked just as confused as I was, and said, just write "IVF" there. Crisis averted.

The staff was great. I felt a little bad for the nurse taking my history...when you have to list all our lost pregnancies and problems, it's pretty depressing. She kept looking up at me with this "shell shocked" look, like she couldn't believe that I was adding another loss. In the end, M. and I just said it's been a LONG road to get to this point.

Best part of the appointment, by far, was another ultrasound, just to make sure our due date was accurate. M. and I finally heard the heartbeats, what a sweet, beautiful sound!

And now the good stuff, pictures!

Baby A aka "Thing 1" and Baby B aka "Thing 2" measured within one day of each 10w5d and 10w6d respectively.

Both at 10.5 weeks

Thing 1 was dancing all around and had a heartbeat of 168.

Thing 1 at 10.5 weeks

Thing 2 was laid back, just hanging out and waving to us. The heartbeat was 158.

Thing 2 at 10.5 weeks

I head back on the 11th for another appointment and my NT scan, so I'll have another ultrasound!