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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Tale of Two Sisters

I only have one sibling, a little sister.

She's almost 5 years my junior, and growing up we were never really close. It was hard. We didn't have any mutual friends, due to the age difference. Honestly, we're really wired very differently. While I'm one trying to please everyone, she's all about drama...even if it has nothing to do with her.

As we grew older, we finally started to grow a little closer.

My mother's sickness and death affected our relationship in both good and bad ways. Suddenly, I was thrust into the mother role for her. She was only 4 months into her first job after college when Mom died. A few years later, M. and I traveled 4 states away to remove her from a crappy relationship and let her live with us for over a year. I'm the one she comes to with "mom" issues. She called me all the time, and hung out with Miss O. and I every Saturday.

I've mentioned in previous posts, my fear of her falling pregnant before me, her husband's MFI, the guilt I felt over my feelings, and the awful diagnosis of test.icular cancer. It's been a really rough 9 months for the 2 of them.

While I was in the midst of my IVF cycle in late October, she was also cycling for the 2nd time. Her first cycle was cancelled due to poor response of her ovaries. I didn't write much about it, because I didn't know what to write.

She triggered and had her egg retrieval while I was in the dreaded 2 week wait. They retrieved 13 mature eggs. At the same time, he underwent his surgery to hopefully get some good sp.erm. The doctors found nothing. Not one. They left the clinic without a chance, just 13 eggs frozen for the future, maybe.

I worried about telling her the results of my cycle, but she knew my timeline. She called the day of my beta. I was honest, and I could tell that it stung. You know, you're happy for the person you love, but your heart is breaking because it's NOT you.

In the last 3 months, our relationship has changed again. She doesn't call me as often, doesn't text me daily. She's spent time with Miss O. and I only once in the last 6 weeks. It's like the elephant in the middle of the room.

I have what she wants and I can't fix it.

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What would you do? What have you done in a similar situation?

I'm fully aware that some of the "uncomfortableness" could be my mind playing with me...because I'm worried of hurting her.

I'm just sad.

20 comments:

  1. oh, that is so hard. My heart hurts for you and for her.

    No advice, just prayers for your relationship.

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  2. I don't want to go into a novel here in your comments but my BFF and her husband were cycling when we were. He had a vasectomy years before he met her. Anyways, her not so great eggs and his few and with poor morphology sperm and lots of drama and two cycles - they still weren't pregnant and they were done. He had two boys from a previous marriage. She would never have children. Then I got pregnant.

    I can still tell it is hard for her sometimes. And I distanced myself. She was amazing and we were both open and honest.

    She is your sister. Talk to her.

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  3. AND, I'm really sorry and I'm thinking of you both.

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  5. I think you need to give her time and space. Imagine what you would want if you were in her shoes.... likely, distance.

    I would also tell her your feelings and then leave the ball in her court.

    Juts my thoughts. Good luck, girl!

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  6. Thats a toughie...I know that shes probably just going to need some space--but leave the door wide open on your end--just be willing to let her be in her feelings--whatever they are-- and vent to you if she needs it.
    Thinking of you both!

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  7. That's a tough one. I would definitely give her space but let her know that you're there too. Maybe text randomly to check up on her and let it lie in her hands as to when she wants more contact. ((HUGS))

    ps, are you guys finding out the sexes?? any more u/s pics?? :) How are you feeling these days?

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  8. I am not sure if this is what you should do, but my gut says talk to her before too much time goes by. It will be the hardest conversation, but possibly better once you have it. I am having the same problem but with a friend. Now its been so long and we don't even talk. It breaks my heart...espcially since I know how she feels. EXACTLY how she feels. But be prepared to hear what she has to say if you start talking. This is so hard. I am so sorry.

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  9. Oh sweetie, that is a difficult situation. Perhaps I would talk to her openly about this, ask her which way she would be more comfortable (ie knowing how you progress or not knowing). Her feelings are normal, hopefully her situation will change and they may consider donor sperm. Give her time and you have worked hard to get to this pregnancy, it's not like you got pregnant easily, so I'm sure she sees this also. Much love, Fran

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  10. The thing is, you've been in her shoes for the last 4.5 yrs:-( It is difficult to be overjoyous for someone else but don't let her numbness erode your joy... just be interested in her life and make the effort to call her:-)

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  11. I'd send her an email (so she can read and reply as she feels up to it) telling her you're sad and you miss her, but you understand that she might need space right now. I wouldn't make assumptions in the email (that x upsets her or y is a problem); I'd instead be a little vague and just say things like "might need space".

    I think it's important she know she's missed but that you respect whatever she needs right now, even if it does make you sad.

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  12. Unfortunately there's nothing you can say or do to ease her pain. I think sending an I MISS YOU card or calling to make a shopping date (not baby-related, of course) would be a good idea but she may reject it.

    I have a SIL who hasn't had any children and it is really hard for her to be around those of us with children. We have what she desperately wants. It makes my heart hurt but nothing I can say or do is going to make it better.

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  13. This is a tough situation - I would send her an email outlining just what you've said here... and then give her time to come to you.

    All the best!

    xxx

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  14. I'm sure she is a little sad, a little envious.

    I would say to just be there for her. You will have to tow the line for awhile. You may feel like you are on a one-way street for quite awhile. You will have to make the first step, and possibly the next ten.

    I wished those in my life would do this for me. For those not as strong-willed as you, it's hard (Lord knows I've lost a lot of relationships in this position), but I know you are a good person. Just stay the course my friend.

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  15. I don't have personal experience with this (no sister and most of my friends either don't want children or had them much younger than me), but it seems like the only way to handle it is to just speak openly and honestly from your heart, ask her what (if any) support you can give her, and let her know that if she needs a break from you and your pregnancy for a while, that you'll understand and be there for her in whatever capacity she wants, whenever she wants.

    I am just so sorry for your sister and her situation. Infertility is never fair.

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  16. That is so hard... Just hold ehr hand through it all. We all know what it is like and maybe she just needs you to remind her that you are here for her.

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  17. Sorry sweetie thought i commented on this post already-am a dope! Anyway I think you should email her, when you email cos it's all written down, it is easier to think over what you want to say and get it right. She may definitely need some space, but just let her know that you're there for her and do understand what she is going through. I hope you guys are back in contact soon. Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog!
    xx

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  18. My heart aches for you. Please know you are in my thoughts always.

    I would call your sister, start with an "I love you..."

    HUGS!

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  19. She is lucky in a way...she has a sister who feels for her at that level.

    There are two things here that you need to be very aware of..

    1. You are pregnant...and you have you to take good care of yourself - physically, mentally and emotionally.

    2. I think you should call her and have a heart-to-heart....it is only open communication that will remove this setback in your relationship...

    All in all, I wish your sister becomes a mother too.....

    Much love and luck to both of you...

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  20. No sage advice, but prayers going up that your relationship with your sister can and will come back together.
    It might be that just time and acknowledging her pain will be what's needed.
    I'm sorry it's making you so sad. ((((HUGS))))

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