Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Confession

***Disclaimer: I feel the need to purge a little. My soul that is.
I'm not proud of what I'm going to write, but I feel the need to get it out of me. Judge if you must, but I'm just being honest.

My little sister, my only sister was married in August.

She has made it clear to many members of the family that they will begin to try and have a baby ASAP. She, until yesterday, did not open up to me about this. Obviously, she knows about my pregnancy losses and the trouble we've had conceiving. I understand that this is probably why she has shied away from the subject with me. That hurts.

But what hurts more is my own selfishness.

I want to be pregnant with my second before her.

That is so wrong of me. I am very, very, very blessed to have my angel, Miss O. I would never, ever wish IF on someone. Yet, inside my head, in a little corner of my brain, I hear *that* voice. You know, the voice that screams, "No, not before me!" or "Why them and not me?"

I am so ashamed.

But I don't know what to do. This is how I feel. Any suggestions?


ICLW for September 25th:

Just Me
Get Pregnant
Who Shot My Stork?
The Baby Dust Diaries

And I returned to The Fertile Infertile


  1. My sister is getting married in Nov. My mother is not able to have those Mothr/Daughter conversations. My sister called me .... Asked about fertility planning and birth control and such. She and her soon to be husband have decided to go with the "family planning" method instead od birth control .. She says she is worried she may experience the troubles I have had... and wanted my advice, because she "could not take the life abuse and lessons and situations I have endured" .... ... My heart sank. I tried to be open and honest but inside my selfish bitter thoughts were running rampant. and the whole time my brain just kept saying over and over "Boy does this conversation SUCK"

    My thoughts are with you. It hurts and it Sucks

  2. I may be slightly biased, but I think your feelings are completely normal. I always used to (jokingly) tell my younger (only) sister that she couldn't get married before me. She then proceeded to get married two years before I did. She and her DH had a healthy baby boy soon after getting married and they are now 35 weeks pregnant with their second. I inherited a clotting disorder that causes MC, she did not. It's hard not to be jealous/bitter/hurt, isn't it?

    I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that nothing about IF is uncomplicated or cut-and-dry. Thanks for your honesty with this post.

  3. I've had those kinds of thoughts too. It's hard not to when you've dealt with infertility or loss and people around you seem to be getting pregnant left and right, and they get to actually have their babies.

    I've had a lot of thoughts that felt ugly and mean. Sometimes I feel bad about it, and sometimes I just let myself feel them for a while and then try to let them go. I know deep down I don't want anyone else to go through what I've gone through, but it sucks when other people don't understand, can't understand, and when it seems like they take it for granted. And even if they are totally understanding and sympathetic, well then I'm just plain jealous that it is easy for them.

  4. In my opinion what you're feeling is 100% natural... I would most likely feel the same way... give yourself a break for feeling that way... You felt it, you admited it and it is what it is...

    If she falls pg before you, will you be pissed? Sure! Will you hate her forever, I don't think so...

    Here's hoping you get yours on board before she does.


  5. i like honesty. it's not awful at all- a completely normal feeling. and even if it wasn;t you can't help how you feel. if it happens will it sting? absolutely. will you find the new little one as kissable as ever? sure.
    frankly, i was hoping for a little more exciting of a purge. i am disappointed. this is too normal. seriously, i know you hvae something better in the closest?

  6. I'm in a similar situation. I had my one-and-only son about 2 yrs before one-and-only sister got married. Kiddo is 6 now. While we were struggling thru IF she got pg with baby #1 - he's 2 now.

    After we gave up on further treatments, she got pg with baby #2. He's 2 months now. And she chose the name that we would have chosen if we had a 2nd boy - our dad's name. Everyone is thrilled with her decision, but no one knows it was the name we had picked out.

    Yes I love her boys, but I have a harder time snuggling and loving the 2nd one. It's getting better though.

    There are times (less often now) when I wished that she had some clue about how painful all this is. But then I think to myself that I'm glad she's so oblivious - it means that she's never had to worry about getting or staying pg. It took me a long time to get to that point though, and I'm still not always there.

    So you are completely normal. It will get better but it won't be pleasant along the way. I'm so sorry you're in this spot. :(

  7. Aww, don't feel bad. It's an understandable reaction. I have similar thoughts about coworkers, friends, etc. (I posted about it a few days ago). I do try to remember that there isn't a limited amount of happiness to go's to two healthy babies in the near future for you and your sister.
    I know how hard it is to worry that someone will just start trying tomorrow, and BAM, be pregnant right away when we've been through so much. (((Hugs)))

  8. Ohhh hun, I know this feeling. Well, on a similar level. My sister got engaged right after our failed FET in January, and all I could think was "shes going to get married and get pregnant before we do" It made my heart ache for feeling that way--I even admitted it to her, and that helped me to work through it--shes been very supportive through our journey.
    So anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are not a bad person for feeling this way--its totally natural.

  9. Oh, I so know what you are feeling. My younger sister and I were pregnant together when I had my first miscarriage. With my 3rd miscarriage she got pregnant a month later. Then last month she thought she was pregnant and I was thinking she better not have 3 before I get to have one. You are not alone. ((HUGS))

  10. Not sure if you saw it, but a few weeks ago I posted about the exact same thing with my SIL.

    You could choose acceptance, which some people might do but hasn't worked for me. Instead of wishing IF, what I've tried to do is encourage her to push the wedding back, for multiple reasons but our little race is one of them. Since your sis is already married, you could encourage her to wait a little while because it is important to experience life as a married couple. The first year of marriage and having a baby are both high-risk times for a marriage, and combining them increases the risk of discord and/or divorce further.

    Sisterly advice. Does it have selfish motives? Sure. But the motives are forgivable (moreso than wishing IF for them might be), and the advice is potentially even helpful.

    Good luck.

  11. I totally know where you are coming from, when we started TTcing #2 so did my sister, not only did I pray for myself, I prayed she would not be first. She did however geget pregnant first but lost the baby recently, it was very hard to deal with her annoucement b/c of all we had endoured with IF. It sucked and still sucks with the situation.

  12. I wish I had a suggestion...all I can tell you is you are perfectly least if I am (which I sometimes question).

    Both of my sisters have gotten pregnant and given birth since we've started TTC. Ugh.

    I understand.

  13. It's just how we has humans sometimes deal. Especially when we try so hard for something, we don't want anyone to succeed before we do. Their success just hurts when all we have is failures. No words of advice but to tell you I understand how you feel.