It's been a year since I've seen a positive pregnancy test.
In the world, of infertility, that isn't very long at all. I have no right to complain. But I'm scared. I'm scared because I haven't gone this long without a BFP before. Between M and I starting to "try" for child #2 in 2005 and November of 2007...I was pregnant 4 times. And I've lost 4 pregnancies.
I've been pregnant twice since my ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my left tube. But neither pregnancies stuck around very long. When we were with the RE, and trying fertility drugs, my left ovary was always the overachiever. Ironic, considering I only have a tube on the right. But it makes me wonder if my "good" eggs only come from the left ovary.
Doctors like to spout off statistics when they are dealing with someone who is struggling to conceive. In my case, I hear things like, only 25% percent of women become infertile after the loss of a tube. That is usually followed with, "We'll get you pregnant, don't worry...it just might take a little longer." Really? You think? I don't think you need a medical degree to figure out that my chances of getting pregnant ever month are lower than anyone with two, normal functioning fall.opian tubes.
That fateful day in October two years ago, I went in to surgery very scared that I might not wake up. I did wake up, but when they told me they couldn't save my tube, that it had ruptured, I cried. I cried because I knew that this path towards a second child was going to be that much harder.
I feel torn right now. Torn, because I want another child so much...yet, I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go to conceive again.
My RE has suggested that IVF is the way to go, but I have my doubts. I might get pregnant, but will I miscarry again? No one knows. No one can answer the questions that run through my mind at night when I think about taking the next step. What if I don't get pregnant? Will I be devastated? If I do get pregnant, will I have a baby in nine months? What if I have another ectopic pregnancy? What if I say enough is enough, will M be upset? Would Miss O really be sad if she ends up an only child? The list goes on and on....
What are you scared of?
Like you, I am scared of never being 9 months pregnant again. I'm scared that this dream won't come true and so other dreams won't as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your tube. I think only children do just fine, but if you and M want another, you should go for it. All the way, until you are really done. Because you don't want to regret not trying something down the road. At least that is my thought - my son will be eight before he has a sib IF the next cycle takes. Best of luck to you whatever you decide!
ReplyDeleteI'm scared of never being 9 months pregnant again too. I am scared that I won't get pregnant at all and scared that if I do get pregnant it won't last. I'm scared that no matter what I try, what path I follow, there will be no more babies or children in my future.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that there are no answers to those question. I am sorry that there are no guarantees, no sure way to get a baby. I am sorry that there are no promises. ((hugs))
So sorry about the tbe, I know how you feel when I only have one ovary it that worried me so much, Maybe IVF is your way to go, I know m/c scares you but sometimes we have to take chances. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having a tough time right now. And you do have the right to complain, even in the world of infertility.
ReplyDeleteWhat am I scared of? Never being a parent and having to live my life watching everyone around me experiencing the miracle of birth. I'm also scared of what it will be like to adopt and miss the genetic connection, pregnancy, birth, and at least 8 weeks of my childs life. All of this shit is scary.