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Lately, I'm finding myself caught off guard by my emotions. One minute, I'm fine. The next, I'm a mess.
Let's take last night as an example...Miss O. and I went to the mall for the obligatory visit with the Easter Bunny. We stood in line forever, waiting to see an adult in a furry suit. I've never quite understood the whole visit the bunny thing, and it kinda freaks me out. The bunny doesn't talk, unlike Santa, so why go sit on his lap??? But Miss O. is in love with anything "bunny" right now, and had been asking for weeks to see him/her.
She was very patient while in line, so I decided to go to the play area in the food court, and let her burn off some energy. I got a coffee, plopped myself down on one of the benches along the play area, took off her shoes, and off she went. While watching her, I couldn't help but notice other children and moms in this area. I quickly realized that I was the ONLY mom with only one child.
Every mom had at least two kids, and most appeared to be 2 or 3 years apart in age. I'm not exaggerating...it was kind of freaky. Then I started to notice that at least three of the moms were ALSO expecting. It was just.too.much. The walls started to close in on me. I felt the tears starting to burn in my eyes.
I never thought I'd be crying in the food court.
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Have you been blindsided by your emotions before? Where was it? How did you handle it?
I am sorry. I know what it is like to be hyper aware of your surroundings.
ReplyDeleteSo far I have been blindedsided by my emotions at 2 mommie groups. I just freeze up everytime someone asks me - "how many kids do you have, Is he your first, do you want more"
I can't even say how many times my emotions came to the surface. Every time I head of a pregnancy (esp. the whoops announcements). Uh, every baby shower I went to for 3 years. Try as I might I could not fake it till i made it every time. It was too damn hard.
ReplyDeleteI hate the questions.
Oh, you poor thing. I hate the feeling that somehow, everyone around you managed to get everything YOU want. It is like there is not enough air in the room. I am so sorry. I have been there too. There are a lot of evenly spaced kids at Target, I notice.
ReplyDeleteOnce, at a board meeting that I was chairing, the day after my D & C (second miscarriage), three other board members announced their pregnancies. I was already all weepy from the hormonal changes, but that pushed me over the edge. I had to stare at my dear friend who was there, because she knew how I felt, and was sad for me.
I wish I had been looking at you across the food court, giving you the same look. It is ridiculous that we don't live close to each other, by the way.
Big huge hugs (and thanks for thinking positively for me. I can't do it quite yet.)
XOXO,
Carrie
Honestly, I probably would've just had a few silent tears.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have two children- very close in age, we'd really love another. We originally "planned" to have them all close in age. Well, Austin will be 3 in July- so its already shot the plan to pieces (its almost been 2 years since we started trying for #3) I look around and see my friends who have 3 or 4 children- with most of their children being YOUNGER than my youngest. I have a very close friend who has 1 child that is my O's age, and 2 more who are younger than Austin. She's expecting again. I feel like I'm way behind.
Its so hard. So, so hard...
I have been there many times, and yes it is very hard. I actually have a blog post titled "Attack of the Feriles" after one of my experiences.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard...very hard. Hang in there.
That is supposed to say "Attack of the fertiles"
ReplyDeletesorry...havent finished my coffee yet : )
I'm so sorry. That's a horrible feeling. Sometimes I get blindsided by my emotions, not about having another child but about my son being blind. I mean yes I love him no matter what and I'm not sad that he is blind, but sometimes something will happen and it will remind me that he will likely never see my face or be able to find me in a crowd of people. It makes me terrified that I could lose him at any moment once he starts walking.. I know I will just adjust to it, and it likely won't be a big deal when the time comes. But still sometimes I am just overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I started cying just driving down the road by myself. There were Moms everywhere walking their children in strollers. Dads holding toddlers hands. Families grilling out. I actually had to pull over it hurt so badly.
ReplyDeleteyes, I've had that same experience at the mall playplace. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteI do it over songs i hear on the radio. I will be just fine bobbing my head until a song comes on that makes me stop and listen to the words. I will dry the rest of the day just thinking about it. I am so sorry hun!
ReplyDeleteamber
I totally understand... I've been 'lapped' by so many moms that have had 2+ children since we started TTC#2. It's okay to cry...
ReplyDelete(Thanks for your 'shout-out' and support. It means so much:-)
I am the only mommy at my dd's preschool who is not visibly pregnant. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning, I cry on the way home from dropoff. Then on Easter, my dh's grandma asked me if I was pregnant (I'm a little bloated post-o from the clomid, but not visibly enough that a question was appropriate. And come on, if I was showing, don't they think I'd have told them by now?). It's terribly hard. I'm with you.
ReplyDeleteaww. ~hugs~.
ReplyDeleteI get those unexpected mindfields all the time. For me, it's music. And since I always have my ipod plugged into my ears, well, it happened pretty much anywhere. I'm no longer embarrassed crying randomly in public. When asked if I'm okay, I now reply "Sure, why do you ask?" NO ONE says it's because I'm crying. It's kinda my little joke now.
Oh, man. I get slammed, run over by the emotion-truck so often it's sick. Usually, it involves random people I know getting knocked up before me (or worse, when they lap me, having 2 or three in the time since Heiko and I started trying). And yeah, when I'm in those environments where I am the ONLY ONE who has not had a baby- that sucks. Usually, I can contain myself, but inevitably, there have been those times where I am in one of those situations where I have not been able to hold it together, usually because of some insensitive comment clearly marking me as one who is not invited to the club (like my favorite, "You'll understand someday when you have kids").
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry these feelings are hitting you so hard right now. I'm sending you peace, hoping it eases your feelings somewhat.