M. and I decided to try for another child in September of 2005.
Miss O. was one and a half, so we were finally getting a little sleep. We had always wanted to have kids who were pretty close in age, and thought 2-3 years would be nice. After conceiving Miss O. easily, I had no doubt we would be pregnant soon.
Eh, boy was I naive.
I wasn't menstruating, even though I had stopped breast feeding at 9 months. "No problem!", said my OB, "We'll just wake up your ovaries with some Clo.mid". He assured me that sometimes this happens after having a baby. It was just some out of whack hormones. No biggie. Nothing to worry about.
On my 3rd cycle of Clo.mid, we finally got that BFP! Woo-hoo! We were ecstatic! Miss O. was going to be a big sister. After my first ultrasound, when we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, I went home and ordered a "big sister" t-shirt for Miss O. to wear at her birthday party in a month. I'd be 12 weeks by then, and it'd be the perfect time to tell family.
She didn't get to wear the shirt at her party.
At 9 weeks, I started bleeding. It happened on a Sunday night, and by Monday morning, I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound showed my beautiful bean hanging out, but that lovely heartbeat I had seen a week prior? It was gone.
The shirt arrived a week after I had my D&C.
I still have that shirt. It's a size 2T. Miss O. would never be able to squeeze into it anymore. Yet, I don't have the heart to throw it away. I can't give it away, because it's personalized.
So, I keep it in a drawer, the drawer I keep with keepsakes of all my angel babies.
I think back to the person I was when we started TTC#2. I can hardly recognize her. I was younger, obviously, but I was also a lot less jaded than I am now. I never thought I'd suffer a miscarriage. Or struggle to get pregnant.
You know that saying, "Ignorance is bliss."?
I'll never see those 2 lines again, and not immediately worry.
On the same line of thinking, though, I don't dislike who I am now. Do I wish I hadn't suffered 5 pregnancy losses? Of course. I wish that I could hold those babies in my arms, instead of only in my heart. Yet, when I reflect on who I am today, I see a stronger, caring, more worldly woman. One who is more compassionate. One who sees the big picture better. One who hugs her daughter a little tighter.
"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." is another popular phrase.
That's what I'm trying to do.