Thursday, September 17, 2009

Four Years

M. and I decided to try for another child in September of 2005.

Miss O. was one and a half, so we were finally getting a little sleep. We had always wanted to have kids who were pretty close in age, and thought 2-3 years would be nice. After conceiving Miss O. easily, I had no doubt we would be pregnant soon.

Eh, boy was I naive.

I wasn't menstruating, even though I had stopped breast feeding at 9 months. "No problem!", said my OB, "We'll just wake up your ovaries with some Clo.mid". He assured me that sometimes this happens after having a baby. It was just some out of whack hormones. No biggie. Nothing to worry about.

On my 3rd cycle of Clo.mid, we finally got that BFP! Woo-hoo! We were ecstatic! Miss O. was going to be a big sister. After my first ultrasound, when we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, I went home and ordered a "big sister" t-shirt for Miss O. to wear at her birthday party in a month. I'd be 12 weeks by then, and it'd be the perfect time to tell family.

She didn't get to wear the shirt at her party.

At 9 weeks, I started bleeding. It happened on a Sunday night, and by Monday morning, I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound showed my beautiful bean hanging out, but that lovely heartbeat I had seen a week prior? It was gone.

The shirt arrived a week after I had my D&C.

I still have that shirt. It's a size 2T. Miss O. would never be able to squeeze into it anymore. Yet, I don't have the heart to throw it away. I can't give it away, because it's personalized.

So, I keep it in a drawer, the drawer I keep with keepsakes of all my angel babies.

I think back to the person I was when we started TTC#2. I can hardly recognize her. I was younger, obviously, but I was also a lot less jaded than I am now. I never thought I'd suffer a miscarriage. Or struggle to get pregnant.

You know that saying, "Ignorance is bliss."?

It's true.

I'll never see those 2 lines again, and not immediately worry.

On the same line of thinking, though, I don't dislike who I am now. Do I wish I hadn't suffered 5 pregnancy losses? Of course. I wish that I could hold those babies in my arms, instead of only in my heart. Yet, when I reflect on who I am today, I see a stronger, caring, more worldly woman. One who is more compassionate. One who sees the big picture better. One who hugs her daughter a little tighter.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." is another popular phrase.

That's what I'm trying to do.


  1. Well, it is horrible that you lost too many-even one-little one. But, I guess the silver lining is-and kudos to you-for using it not to get you down forever-but to make you stronger.

  2. ((HUGS)) and a loud sigh. my ttc #2 scenario is SO similar!! I didn't get AF until my dd was 8 months! and then it took me 5 more months to O. then 1st m/c at 8w2d..............

  3. It takes so much to just try again, and for those of us who've lost so many pregnancies, the worry does not end at the BFP. Or the Beta. Or the ultrasound. I hate that you have to go through this.

    My daughter also had a "Big Sister" shirt she wore once. To tell our relatives- I was eight weeks. Two weeks later, no beating heart. She will never wear hers either... there is a loss that as our present, perfect children grow, those losses get further away.

    I am hoping with my WHOLE heart that very soon you will be holding Miss O's perfect little sibling in your arms.

    Much love.

  4. I have a Big Sister shirt size 3T sitting in a box in J's closet. Of course she's way too big for it now. She never got to wear hers. I had my 1st D&C when J was 19 months old.

    I had my 4 year anniversary in July of TTC #2. Knowing we are not alone helps....


  5. ((hugs)) to you and thanks for your hopefulness. I hug my Little Guy a bit tighter now too.

  6. The only reason my O can fit into her big sister shirt is because she's so tiny. Otherwise, we, too, would have the same issue. Sucks sometimes.

    but, I'm with you. I've definitely changed- and probably for the better.

  7. Those anniversaries are tough. I remember what losing 1 was like. I cannot imagine what you have been through, but I totally understand the whole hugging your daughter a little tighter. Loss does create a stronger appreciation for certain things and while I never knew you before, the person I read about now sounds like a pretty amazing woman to me.