Sunday, November 22, 2009

Still Here

I wish I had a reason for not blogging since my exciting news, but I don't really.

I've been a little nauseous and very tired, but really that's not an excuse for not writing something.

Instead, I've been living in fear.

Every time I go to the bathroom, I brace myself to see some spotting, a sign of the inevitable end. Sad and pathetic, I know.

I can't stop myself, though.

I want to be positive. I want to believe that this pregnancy is here to stay. I want to be excited and hopeful.

Who wants to be the "debbie downer"? The few people who knew we did IVF this cycle, have asked how it turned out...I tend to say something, like, "Everything is going how we want it to, but it's really early and anything can happen." M. is excited.

I'm more like a see saw. One minute I'm up, convinced that I'm going to have a baby, and the next minute I'm in tears, convinced that it's only a matter of time before I miscarry. I hold my breath with every twinge I feel, wondering if strong cramps will be following.

So, that's what I've been doing...


  1. You are completely normal. I was shocked by those feelings--imagining that I should ONLY be swinging and shouting my joy from the rooftops...but it takes awhile to get there.

    Hang in there. One day at a time.

  2. Hang in there sweetie. And know if you ever need to talk, shoot me an email and we will talk. I am praying for you, M, Miss O, and the soon to be siblings (I'm guessing twins) of Miss O.

    HUGS dear IF sister of mine.

  3. all of this sounds so familiar to me (((hug))) I definitely checked for spotting, well into the 2nd trimester sometimes even going to the bathroom because I swore I could feel blood dripping, and really the fear part never went away for me the entire pregnancy. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just to say that you are not alone in your worries and fears. Hold on to that tiny bit of hope.

    My hopes and wishes are going your way and hoping that you'll be holding a healthy wonderful newborn in your arms 8 months or so from now.

  4. Hey darling as you know this is me completely-anxiety central. Like everyone else said, though, hopefully as you get a bit further along it will start to die down a little. It is totally normal to feel like this and I wish I could take it away for you but I can't so I can only support you. Just one day at a time, hun. (((BIG HUGS)))

  5. I know how you feel. The damned prometrium supps start their watery dripping and I rush to the bathroom to check the TP. I can't believe it is happening alternating with waiting for the shoe to drop. Just try your best to breathe and smile when the sunshine hits your face and hold a little bit of hope in your heart. Hugs.

  6. I don't think you'd be normal if you were not having these thoughts. Your history makes you feel this way. And that's fine too. It's ok to be scared, it's not going to make you miscarry if you worry it might happen.

    I'll be lifting you up in prayer and keeping your baby in those prayers too.

    Take it one day at a time, each day conquered is a victory. Hang in there. You're doing great.


  7. I felt the same way with this pregnancy. Constantly checking for spotting, cramps, etc. Its so stressfull and extremely draining. But, your beta's were fabulous, and you're still pregnant. Good news all around. :)

  8. You could do what I did... wrap yourself up in bubble-wrap and stay in a closet for the next 8 months;-) Too be honest, I checked the TP until the last day when my waters broke. The fear never left:-(

  9. First of all, I want to say congratulations! I haven't been around in a while to hear of your good news. Secondly, I know exactly how you feel. It's absolutely okay to be guarded at this point. I was. I still am. The extreme worry and dread, however, has waned in time, and I'm sure it will for you too. (((hugs)))

  10. I truly understand your fear and I hope that it gets easier and easier everyday! *HUGS*

    And I am hopeful that you will come full circle next year as well, *wink*.

  11. First of all... OH MY GOSH! Those betas are FANTASTIC! Seriously, they are very strong. YAY!!! I'm sorry that I'm just now catching the news.

    And, have you seriously reached into my head? Because your post is EXACTLY how I'm feeling. It's definitely a very scary and emotional time.

    I'm feeling a little better tonight after reading all of the comments on my last blog post. The support means a lot.

    SOOO happy for you!

  12. Oh, also... I just read Kate's comment and um, I agree. Those look like possible twin numbers to me.

    (giddy smile!)

    Mine were 15dpo 454 and 18 dpo 1164, and yes, I've memorized them. :)

  13. Rough week huh? It's not bad enough that you have to worry because of your past issues, but damn it if those pregnancy hormones don't make it seem 100 times worse, huh? I guess maybe you could see the silver lining in all of this and go with the fact that you wouldn't be so up and down all the time if you weren't pregnant. :)

  14. Hang in there. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. How much longer do you have to wait until your ultrasound?

  15. After all you have been through it's only normal to be prudent in giving in to full on celebration! When is your scan due? yOu give me so much hope, much love, Fran

  16. My sister is at the end of her pregnancy, will be a Caesarian on December 10th. She looks like she should have popped a month ago. When she stands sideways I almost laugh. I try not to. Her back aches, her feet are swollen and she is very, very uncomfortable in general. I hope you have no trouble and get to the same state (more or less) in time. Good luck.

    Wandered in from IComLeavWe.

  17. Well, I want the pregnancy to be boring normal! All the best for December 7th. I know it must be tough to really answer anything right now....keep smiling!

  18. Hi! I haven't been by in a while and I see that you are pregnant! Excellent news! CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and that all goes really well! A wonderful result to a long-held desire.

  19. Is cerclage an option? I will never Give birth though had I known about a cerclage way back then I may be a bio Mom. I am Praying for you to have your baby/babies. xoxo, Kandi