Monday, August 31, 2009

Mixed Emotions

As I held 2 babies yesterday, I felt two very different waves of emotion...

We traveled down the road Saturday night, to be godparents for my second niece. The baptism was at 10 o'clock and with a three hour trip, it was easier to travel the night before and stay overnight. All the way to the big city, I was giving myself a pep talk. M. and I, both, needed one. We love our nieces, but we struggle with the ease of their conception, and his brother's ignorance when it comes to our struggle. Want a refresher? Here's what was said when they found out they were having another girl.

Sunday morning dawned sunny and beautiful.

As we sat down in the church, I started to feel a little panicky. My heart began to beat faster, and the tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about my babies. My lost, angel babies, who should have been sitting there with me. The ceremony was short and sweet, and thankfully, M. and I just had to stand there and profess to help with the spiritual raising of the child.

It was the pictures that almost did me in.

Of course, everyone wanted pictures. Pictures of the new family. Pictures of M. and I with the new family. And then, the baby was handed to me. "Oh, we want a picture of you and M. and the baby!"

I held that baby, I tried to smile.

The whole time I was fighting back tears, trying to appear happy. I swear my heart was being ripped from my chest. It was so hard. The 3 hours of family time at their house following the ceremony wasn't much better. At least, M. would look at me and we would share that knowing look, the look of being battered and wanting to leave. Miss O. had a blast playing with the kids, which left us stuck hanging with the grownups.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic when a friend, who lives in the big city, called my cell phone. She was hanging at the mall, and would we like to meet up with her?


The last time I saw her, was her baby shower. I had yet to see the baby, except for pictures. As I walked through the mall, all I could feel was excitement building. I couldn't wait to see her and catch up.

As I held her baby, I felt nothing but pure joy.

To look at that sweet little face, feel the warmth of her body, smell that baby smell. I could have held her all day.

2 babies.

2 totally different reactions.

Still the same heartache.


  1. ((HUGS))

    I know!! It's such a painful push and pull. My ex_SIL is due in October and I'm so happy for her!! And one of my other SIL's is due in January and it stings me to no end.

    September is tomorrow!!! When do you start your protocol for IVF?

  2. Friends of mine had to be godparents and do the ceremony during a very tough time for them. I understand somewhat what that must have been like. It's weird how different circumstances stir up different reactions.

  3. It really does effect me in different ways sometimes--and then other days, it ALL can stir up emotions Id rather not deal with.
    Beautiful post!

  4. I have felt the same way before, about certain children. They're so innocent. I think the reaction has more to do with the parents (at least in my case) than with the child(ren).

  5. ((hugs))

    this post had me in tears, I've definitely had the same kinds of different reactions to different babies.

  6. Am glad that you faced everything so bravely.

    And your BIL is ugh...did you check if the Baptism dress was not J's?

  7. I know exactly what you mean.

    Both of my SIL's are expecting. My brother's wife is having a c-section tomorrow for her 3rd- the 1st girl in the family. I was honored when she asked me to be a godparent. The baptism is in November, and I will be excited, but also a little heartbroken at the same time. It's hard.

  8. (((HUGS)))

    one day that ooey, gooey, squishy baby you are sniffing will be your very own...

  9. It's so weird how that can happen, how one baby can leave us gooey and another can leave us depressed. My mom (when I finally broke down and told her about the IVF plan) said that she thought it was so unfair that people who "shouldn't" be having children could have them so easily. And I thought, 'Mom, you don't even know the half of it...'

  10. Oh man. Oh man. How hard. Fertiles will NEVER get it. I tried to convince some in my life and it was always a waste of time. They just say stupid things. About train sets. We never forget our lost babies, eh?
    And I hated-when we were trying- having to do things that made me incredibly sad but yet I couldn't tell them-"hey, can I not do this-it's making me think of dead babies....."
    But I am glad that at least you got to see a friend--who 'gets it.'
    I am glad that is sounds like--you know that what you are feeling/felt is normal. And that you have every right to feel it.

    Thanks for the blog love by the way. I wish you were in Stone Mountain now!!

  11. That is so hard. ((hug)) I've found I still have a hard time listening to people share that they're pregnant- even now. It is just so hard when its so easy for someone else.

  12. It is so hard to know how we'll react to being in the newborn presence- I still get weepy around new babies, unable to believe I'll have my own again on some level.

    You are getting so close to your cycle and I know with that will come new hope, but that heartache seems to persist... I wish I could take it away for you.

    Big hugs,