As I held 2 babies yesterday, I felt two very different waves of emotion...
We traveled down the road Saturday night, to be godparents for my second niece. The baptism was at 10 o'clock and with a three hour trip, it was easier to travel the night before and stay overnight. All the way to the big city, I was giving myself a pep talk. M. and I, both, needed one. We love our nieces, but we struggle with the ease of their conception, and his brother's ignorance when it comes to our struggle. Want a refresher? Here's what was said when they found out they were having another girl.
Sunday morning dawned sunny and beautiful.
As we sat down in the church, I started to feel a little panicky. My heart began to beat faster, and the tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about my babies. My lost, angel babies, who should have been sitting there with me. The ceremony was short and sweet, and thankfully, M. and I just had to stand there and profess to help with the spiritual raising of the child.
It was the pictures that almost did me in.
Of course, everyone wanted pictures. Pictures of the new family. Pictures of M. and I with the new family. And then, the baby was handed to me. "Oh, we want a picture of you and M. and the baby!"
I held that baby, I tried to smile.
The whole time I was fighting back tears, trying to appear happy. I swear my heart was being ripped from my chest. It was so hard. The 3 hours of family time at their house following the ceremony wasn't much better. At least, M. would look at me and we would share that knowing look, the look of being battered and wanting to leave. Miss O. had a blast playing with the kids, which left us stuck hanging with the grownups.
Needless to say, I was ecstatic when a friend, who lives in the big city, called my cell phone. She was hanging at the mall, and would we like to meet up with her?
The last time I saw her, was her baby shower. I had yet to see the baby, except for pictures. As I walked through the mall, all I could feel was excitement building. I couldn't wait to see her and catch up.
As I held her baby, I felt nothing but pure joy.
To look at that sweet little face, feel the warmth of her body, smell that baby smell. I could have held her all day.
2 totally different reactions.
Still the same heartache.