Shedding A Few Tears

My day started with a few tears, I couldn't help it.


Sometimes it just feels good to cry.


Especially when you're remembering someone who left the world far too soon.


Seven years ago today my Mother lost her battle with ovarian cancer.


In some ways, it's hard to believe it's been that long...other days the hurt feels so fresh, like she just died.


Every time I looked at Miss O. and the twins today, I teared up.


She would have been a wonderful grandmother and would have spoiled them all rotten. I watched her love on my numerous younger cousins for years...even being called Mommy Kar.en by some, instead of aunt. She loved holding babies, loving on them. Even her profession included holding babies, as she was an OB nurse.


She looked forward to being a grandmother, yet never got a chance to experience it.


Mom died four days after my baby shower when I was pregnant with Miss O.


Today, I cry, but I also think about all the lessons she taught me, the memories, and the laughter we shared.


I'm the "mom" I am because of the "mom" she was to me.

Head Rush

It's December 12th.

How?

As the twins grew older and I got a little more sleep, I thought I'd start to get a routine down. Find a *little* time for me...at least know what day it is! I swear I'm still losing days at a time.

I've got a few minutes to type, so I'm going to try and update what's been going on here.

Here's the down and dirty, quick version...

Thanksgiving was wonderful. We traveled North to my aunt's house where we gathered and celebrated with my mother's family. At last count, there were 40 of us there for dinner. Two turkeys, a bucket of mashed potatoes, and 6 pies later, everyone was full and happy. Many times during the day I thought about how thankful I was that the twins were here and everyone was enjoying them.

I'm an aunt to a nephew! My little sister gave birth on December 2nd to a very healthy little boy, a true miracle baby. All the tears I shed worrying she'd get pregnant before me and then the guilt for feeling that way once she and her hubby started to struggle became distant memories the moment I held him in my arms. Being just under 5 months younger than the twins, I'm sure they'll be great playmates in a few years!

Miss O. has been crazy busy with preparing and practicing for a holiday ice show. My little gumdrop is participating in a version of the Nutcracker on ice. Last night was the first performance, and I felt WAY out of my element in the locker room trying to get her ready. I didn't realize what a "club" this was! It probably didn't help that the twins and their stroller took up half the locker room space...we didn't have glitter spray, I didn't have her hair done the right way and over all was just lost. A few of the glances I saw directed at us were pure exasperation! Oh well, live and learn. I'm glad that it's over...at least for a year.

There is yet to be a Christmas decoration up in my household. By this time of the month, I usually have at least 3 trees up, my village, and the stockings hung. I just don't have time to even get down to the basement to get the decorations upstairs...And don't even ask how the shopping is going!

Big Boy has found his feet. It's hilarious to watch him grab and talk to them, if I leave them uncovered. It seems that if he can't see his toes, they don't exist! LOL. Pretty Girl has mastered rolling over and loves the exer.saucer. I can't believe they'll be 5 months old tomorrow.

So, that's my quickie update. What's going on with you? Are you ready for the holidays?

Where Am I?

Opened my go.ogle reader the other day...

365 unread posts.

365.

One for each day of a year.

Wow.

I seem to fallen way behind on reading, commenting and posting. The last 2 weeks have been tough. I'm afraid with the holidays coming it's only going to get worse. My email is filled with emails that I should respond to. It's not only with the computer, it's every thing in life. I currently have 6 messages on my answering machine that have yet to listen to.

I feel perpetually behind.

If it doesn't have to do with the babies or Miss O. it just gets thrown to the back burner.

And that's okay.

They will only be little once.

I want to soak in all the memories, so that I can remember them forever.

Just Keep Swimming

Where do the days go?

Considering I'm back into a lack of sleep haze, thanks to the twins learning to roll over, who knows?

On Thanksgiving, Pretty Girl finally figured out how to roll. Two days later, Big Boy mastered it, too. They roll every time you put them on their back. Every time. So, just like that, we stopped swaddling them at night. Add in a little bit of teething, as their fingers are in their mouths non-stop and we've got the perfect storm for not sleeping at night.

I find myself quoting Dory from Dis.ney's film, "Finding Ne.mo" every few hours as a pep talk.

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."

The sleepless nights won't last forever, but when you're in the midst of them, it sure seems like they will. I'm just trying to get through the days, and hoping this will pass quickly.

I need another cup of coffee.

Uh, Yeah...

I guess I have to throw in the towel for NaBloPoMo.

After all, I've missed 4 days of posting now.

It all started Friday night, when I couldn't keep my eyes open on the couch around 8 o'clock. M. couldn't either, so we were ALL in bed by 9pm that night. What a far cry from our old Friday nights!

Saturday was full of visitors to our home, so I couldn't break away for a quick post.

By Sunday, I knew it was a lost cause, and decided to just take a technology break and enjoy having M. home for the weekend. His job involves a building full of retail spaces, so as of this Friday until Christmas, I won't be seeing much of him at all!

I'm disappointed, but only a little. I did post for 18 days straight, which is a LOT more than I've posted in a few months. It helped me carve out a little "me" time, even if it was only 15 minutes out of my day. Now I remember why I started blogging and hope to continue to post on a more regular basis, even if I can't make it happen everyday.

So, how was your weekend?

Failing

I've always thought of myself as a great multi-tasker.

One thing I've learned from trying to do NaBloPoMo and take care of infant twins is that I'm not as good at it as I thought I was. I've managed to post everyday so far for NaBloPoMo, but I have not been able to stay caught up on the blogs I like to read!

My reader just keeps growing and growing....

I promise I'll catch up soon!

Losing Battle

I need to lose weight.

No kidding, you're probably thinking, you did just have 2 babies, after all.

The problem is I was pretty overweight when I finally conceived the twins. Four years of trying to conceive a sticky pregnancy, five losses, and numerous rounds of infertility drugs had packed on a good 50 pounds onto my frame.

As of right now, I've lost all the weight I put on while pregnant with the twins, plus 3 pounds. I'm super happy about that, as it's about 58 pounds that are gone! Sadly, most of my pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit, as I've got quite a bit of toning that needs to be done.

My new goal is to lose another 50 pounds.

I was loosely following the we.ight wa.tchers for breastfeeding mom's plan. Loosely, because it's for breastfeeding one baby, not two! The weight was coming off at a safe rate, roughly 1 to 2 pounds a week for the last 8 weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks, though, it seems that my milk supply is starting to wane...

I don't want to gain weight, but I sure don't want to risk losing my supply!

Anyone have any suggestions for how to keep my supply up, but still lose weight? Is it even possible or am I fighting a losing battle?

Almost Forgetting

I can't believe I went through the day almost forgetting the importance of today.,..

Last year, on this day, my life changed forever.

I was excited, happy, and scared to death.

For weeks, I held my breath, waiting for the worst to happen.

It's still hard to believe that my dream came true.

I'm so thankful that it did.

4 Months

Hard to believe it's been four months since my life became a whole lot busier!

Pretty Girl is now 23.5 inches long and weighs in at 12 pounds, 8 ounces. She's still working very hard at trying to roll over and has started to laugh. At night, she gets up once to eat, but I'm up every few hours putting a "Binky" back into her mouth. She thinks Miss O. is the best thing since sliced bread! When she's in the room, Pretty Girl will look at nothing else and is all smiles...she loves her big sis!

Big Boy is also 23.5 inches long and weighs 10 pounds, 7 ounces. He's my little peanut! His head control has improved immensely over the last month, but he still hates tummy time. For a little guy, he downs his bottles quickly...and lets you know when he's hungry, you better have that bottle ready to go! I love to hear him laugh, it's this really deep belly laugh combined with his gummy grin. Big Boy is also grabbing at toys, and enjoys just playing with your fingers, too.

*sigh*

It's been both the hardest and most rewarding four months of my life.

I can't wait to see what changes the next month will bring!

Weekend Recap

This weekend flew by!


Somehow, someway, I managed to get everything done for my little sis's shower. The theme was an ocean party. We came up with the theme from her bedding, which is blue with lots of cute little ocean creatures on it. I loved the colors of pinks, blues, and oranges! Considering the baby's gender will be a surprise, I think it worked out nicely.


Friday morning was crazy with finishing up last minute things, taking the twins to the doctor for their 4 month check up and getting on the road at a decent hour.


I'm so lucky that my cousin still lives back home and helped with a lot of the details there. We spent the night at her house Friday, and she helped me finish up the favors. We dipped the sugar cookies I baked into royal icing and added the handmade tags.

A first for me was making a NON-edible cake! I tried my hand at a diaper cake.

For my first one, I was pretty happy with how it turned out.


The menu included different soups, breads, fruits, and snacks.

This was a bowl of "fish food"...it had popcorn, M&M's, and 2 kinds of goldfish in there!


Everyone seemed to have a great time, and she received a lot of really nice gifts.

One month to go, and I'll be a proud aunt!

Home

Shower went well.

I'm exhausted.

Pictures tomorrow.

Travelin' Fools

We've left town on a whirlwind trip home for my sister's shower...

Miss O., Pretty Girl, and Big Boy traveled really well for the long car ride. I was surprised, considering the twins had their 4 month check up this morning, complete with shots!

Hopefully, everyone will travel just as well home tomorrow!

Any Takers?

Only 50 cents for a picture...proceeds to benefit the diaper fund! ;)

I Think I'm Crazy

No, I know I'm crazy.

Why did I think that I could plan a baby shower for my sister while caring for infant twins???

I spent today trying to figure out and create thank you tags for the favors. I also created a diaper cake.

Still on the to do list?

Baking sugar cookies, decorating the cookies, making soup, and packing up so that we can all leave town Friday night.

I am definitely crazy.

Almost There

Pretty Girl is on a mission these days.

Operation "Must. Rollover. NOW." is in full effect.

Unfortunately for her, she hasn't succeeded yet. Whenever she's on her back, she begins arching and swinging her legs. It doesn't matter if she's in her crib, on the floor, or up on the changing table waiting for a diaper change.

She's so close, but her one arm keeps blocking her from success.

When she's on the floor, she tries repeatedly over and over again. This leads to her just turning clockwise around the blanket. I'm surprised that she doesn't get frustrated, just keeps on trying. My bet is that by the end of the week, she'll have it down and be rolling over when she wants.

She's a determined little girl.

Trying...

...but failing miserably.

I want to exercise, really I do.

It's been over a year since I've stepped into a gym. I was sidelined during our cycle last year as a precaution. Once we got our positive test, I was discouraged for the first 12 weeks because of my history of pregnancy loss.

At 12 weeks, my OB said I could swim or walk slowly, but to really watch my heart rate and be smart about it.

Honestly, I was so happy to make it to 12 weeks, exercise really wasn't high on my list. I did take evening walks at least 3 times a week, but I didn't want to push it.

Once May hit, bed rest started and that was the end of the small amount of exercise I was doing.

In September, at my 6 week postpartum appointment, I was cleared to resume all activities...including exercise.

I've yet to do it.

All kinds of excuses have popped into my head. "The babies aren't on a schedule yet.", "I don't have time." "Sleep ranks higher, right now." "I don't want to leave the babies in childcare.", "I'm exhausted."

The truth is I'm scared.

Even with 57 pounds gone from my frame, hardly any of my pre-baby clothes fit. The baby weight may be gone, but my body is VERY different. I need to go, because I really miss the mental lift I would get from exercising.

*sigh*

Maybe tomorrow.

Play Time

Snow!?!

It didn't stick, but still...

It's only the beginning of November.

I'm NOT ready for the white stuff!

Weekend Plans

It's Friday!

One day closer to Sunday, which means a trip to the big city and I.K.E.A. Woo-hoo!

Nothing makes me happier than walking around that super large store, telling myself that I could reconstruct those rooms in MY house. It'll be a trip full of looking, with little buying, but I really need a couple more banana baskets for my entertainment center and some picture frames for the babies' room.

I've been looking for simple white or natural wood frames for over 2 months. The idea is 3 frames above each crib, with pictures of the little ones. I just can't seem to find what I want at a price I'm willing to pay.

Please, I.K.E.A, don't let me down...

Do you have any big plans for the weekend?

Show & Tell : Date Night

Last Saturday night, M. and I had the opportunity to actually go out for a few hours without the kids!


It was the first time since May, when we went away for our anniversary. M. didn't get off work until 8 that night, so his parents came over to our house because everyone should have been in bed. This was a big step, usually we take Miss O. to them, plus we added 2 babies!


So, where did we go?


A romantic dinner?


Catch a movie?


Out for coffee & conversation?


No, none of the above...


As we left our home, THIS is what we looked like:

Yup, Bert & Ernie!

Not very romantic, but we headed out to a small costume party for a few hours.


I felt like Cinderella with a midnight curfew, but I had a great time mingling with former co-workers and catching up with friends.


Hopefully, we can have another "date night" soon!


Oh, since you've seen the twins in their costumes and now M. and I, here's Miss O.

My Tinkerbell

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Want to play? See what others are showing here.

Tears & Yawns

Tears, cries, sobbing.

That was what you would have seen last night if you peeked into the windows at Not The Path I Chose.

Some of the tears shed were from the babies, but most of them were mine...

The twins usually wake up at least once a night to eat. Pretty Girl got up first, nursed for a good 30 minutes and went right back down. Shortly after, Big Boy started snorting. When he's hungry, between cries, he'll snort.

Loudly.

It's the funniest thing, him sounding like a baby pig!

So, I brought him in and he started to nurse. Even though he's bottle fed during the day, we've managed to continue to nurse at night. I really enjoyed this time with him, and it took the sting away about not breastfeeding him exclusively.

After 30 minutes, he fell back asleep and I placed him back in the crib next to Pretty Girl.

That's when I smelled it.

Poop.

As I picked Pretty Girl up, the scent got stronger. We went over to the changing table and as I started to change her, my half asleep mind snapped to attention as I realized it was a blow-out.

I had to change her AND the bed.

If this wasn't bad enough at 3 am, Big Boy wakes back up and starts to scream, then snort alternately. No matter how hard I try to calm him down, he wouldn't. I finally break down, head downstairs and make a bottle.

He sucked down the 4 ounces like he hadn't ate in hours. That's when my tears started.

I'm pretty sure our nursing days are done.

After nursing for 30 minutes, Big Boy should not eat a 4 ounce bottle...something isn't working. I'm sad to lose this special time with him, but I recognize that I've got to do what works best for him.

So, I'll continue to pump as much as I can to supplement his bottles.

This shouldn't bother me this badly. I'm still exclusively breast feeding Pretty Girl.

I think that's the problem.

My heart feels badly that I can't make it work for both of them. My subconscious is beating me up. That I'm giving her something, while robbing him of something.

All those thoughts that grow exponentially with a lack of sleep. Things always seem worse when you need zzz's.

Yawn.

I'm going to try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, at least until I get a nap.

Wish me luck.

Setting My Mind To It

Since the twins were born, finding time to do anything that I enjoy has definitely gone to the back burner.

Rightfully so, the way it should have.

Now that they are nearing the 4 month mark, and are starting to fall into some patterns and, dare I say it, somewhat of a schedule...it's time for me to claim at least a small sliver of "me" time back.

I've missed blogging.

I miss reading and commenting on other blogs.

I miss spewing my thoughts out onto the keyboard.

That's where NaBloPoMo comes in.



I'm accepting Suzy's challenge, and I'm going to post everyday for the next 30 days.

My hope is that this will help me feel a little more like "me" these days.

Help me find my writing mojo again and give me a reason to go back over all the drafts I have, clean them up and hit publish.

Won't you join us?

One Year Later

Then...






And now...

Surviving...

...barely.

Lots of cobwebs around these parts lately.

Posts float around in my head all day long, yet every time I sit down in front of the computer, I can only manage to type out about ten words before a baby cries. At night, while I'm nursing, I'm reading blogs, but it's hard to type comments from my i.pod...I have great intentions of returning to posts during the daylight hours to comment, but they never transpire. So, please know that I'm still reading, and hope to offer support to you soon!

I'm on borrowed time, so I'll update in bullet form...hopefully I can get it all out before I'm needed!

• Big Boy & Pretty Girl are just over 3 months old! I have a 3 month post in the works, but we'll see if it ever is completed.
• Sleep is a becoming a problem again. After sleeping pretty good for about a month and a half, the twins have started to wake up many times a night...I'm surviving on copious amounts of caffeine.
• It sucks that you can have lost all your baby weight, yet NONE of your pre-baby pants fit.
• Pretty Girl loves to coo at anyone or anything. Her little voice is so sweet and she looks at you like she's carrying on a conversation.
• Big Boy rolled over from his belly to his back on Sunday. He hates "tummy time" and if I put him on his tummy, he immediately rolls over to his back now.
• I'm planning a baby shower for my sister with all my "free time".
• Strangers like to ask me, "If I'm sure..." about how old the twins are after I tell them. Yes, I gave birth to them, I'm pretty sure I know how old they are.
• My time nursing Big Boy is quickly coming to an end. He only nurses in the middle of the night now, and last night he nursed at 3am, yet woke up screaming at 4:30am starved and refused the br.east. I gave in and gave him a bottle and he slept until after 8.
• I miss exercise. I've yet to find time to do so.
• M. is a super dad! Last Wednesday night, he sent me off to a Mothers of Twins meeting...knowing that Pretty Girl won't take a bottle. He managed to get all three to bed, allowing me to stay away from home for 3 hours! And he got her to take 2 oz. of EBM from a bottle.
• Medical bills suck.
• Halloween costumes have been selected. Miss O. will be Tink.er.bell and the twins are going to be 2 peas in a pod.

Well, Pretty Girl is starting to fuss...my time is up!

Drum Roll, please...

Big Boy's weight this week...

8 pounds, 3 ounces!!!

He gained almost a pound in a week! Now, he had a 4 ounce bottle about a half hour before the appointment, I couldn't hold him off, he was hungry...but he definitely put on some good weight.

Doctor was happy, said to keep doing what we're doing.

That made this Momma happy and allowed her to relax a little. I think the LC's and doctor were right, he just was working too hard trying to nurse all day long, and needed to not expend as many calories as he was taking in.

Over the last week, Big Boy has been such a happy baby. Unless he's really hungry, he hasn't really fussed at all. Seeing smiles and hearing him coo have really made me feel like we've made the best choice at this point. And, I still nurse him at least once a day, so I have a little of that special time, too.

Pumping is going better, but I don't know if I'll ever pump enough for him to get full bottles of breast milk. I'm going to continue to try for that goal, but I realize now that either way he'll be okay.

What's important is that he's getting some breast milk, he's happy, and he's growing.

I can't ask for much more than that.

Half and Half...

...or the best of both worlds.

Thursday's doctor appointment went just as I expected.

Pretty girl looks good, weighing in at just under 10 pounds.

Big Boy, not so much. He weighed in at 7 lbs., 5 oz., not even gaining a full pound in the last 6 weeks.

My doc was wonderful about the whole thing, explaining that perhaps he's burning off just as many calories trying to nurse as he's taking in. He also stated that after the first 2 months of breastfeeding, you've transferred all the good stuff to the babies. Now, it's just about calories, so that they can grow.

The decision was to have Big Boy start bottle feeding. I'm giving him 2 ounces of formula and 2 ounces of breast milk every 3 hours during the day. At night, I'm free to nurse him at demand. I'm not going to lie, I shed quite a few tears on Thursday.

That's the plan.

I'm pumping the side that he would have nursed on, trying to keep my supply up and build up my freezer stash again. I'd really like to be able to have enough breast milk to drop the formula at some point, so that's the goal I'm working towards right now.

So far, it's gone better than I expected. He takes a bottle very well and is done feeding within 15 minutes, unlike his 40 minute nursing marathons. I'm shocked at how much wetter his diapers are! He always had wet and dirty dipes, but now there is no doubt when he's peed. Overall, he's a happier baby, smiling and cooing more, too. (At first, this led to more Mommy guilt, but I'm working on it)

We'll head in on Thursday to have him weighed again.

Slowly Sinking...

I feel like I'm losing the battle here.

After all of your wonderful suggestions last week to my cry for help in Got Milk?, I called up the hospital LC and talked to her about Big Boy and his slow weight gain. She reassured me that it's not my milk, as Pretty Girl is gaining well, but something on Big Boy's end. Her theory is that he's smaller, and probably tuckering out before he gets to the calorie dense hind milk. The suggestion was to pump after feedings and give him the expressed milk by bottle.

Sounded like a plan to me.

Like all best laid plans, though, it's not working that well.

It worked great the first few days, and Big Boy was scarfing down an extra 8 ounces of breast milk a day.

After their morning feedings, I tend to get anywhere from 4 to 7 ounces, not too shabby. As the day wears on, my output drops off sharply. I'm lucky to get an ounce after a feeding by mid-afternoon. Sadly, the last 2 mornings, I've only managed to pump about 3 ounces in the morning.

Then there is the bottle issue...

Big Boy definitely eats better from a bottle. He's very lazy at the breast and is becoming even more lazy. Every day I try to wean him from the nipple shield, but now he won't even attempt to latch with out it! I can't tell you how many tears he (and I) have shed with him screaming at my breast in the last week.

Yesterday, in desperation, I stopped tandem nursing them for most of the day. When I took him and nursed him by himself, he seemed to latch better, and was satisfied longer following those feedings. I'm starting to wonder if it's the football hold positioning that I use to tandem nurse that doesn't work as well for him. His weight gain slowing down does coincide with me finally getting the hang of tandem nursing. Well, I thought we had gotten the hang of it.

The problem with splitting up the nursing sessions is time, and the fact that the baby not being feed is usually hungry somewhere within the other's nursing session. The same thing with pumping after feedings...I do nothing but feed or pump all.day.long.

This makes me feel guilty. Guilty that nursing isn't working for us. Guilty that I'm not interacting in any other way with my children. Guilty that I'm pumping. Guilty that I may have been leaving Big Boy hungry, misinterpreting his cries. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Guilt is an awful thing.

I don't want to stop breast feeding.

I don't want Pretty Girl to only get the benefits.

I don't want to put Big Boy on formula.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what *I* want.

I have to do what is best for the babies. So, I've increased my liquids, eating bowlfuls of oatmeal, drinking "Mother's Milk" tea, and adding fenugreek.

All the while I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, and I can't bail out the water fast enough.

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Thank you for all your suggestions.

Seriously.

You don't know how much they have helped. Without them, and your support, I probably would have given up nursing Big Boy last week.

Thank you.

Got Milk?

Sorry to interrupt the horrible amount of blogging that has been going on here lately.
I have quite a few posts in the works, but today I just need to put this out there.

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Got Milk?

Or is there enough milk?

Long story short, the twins have been exclusively breastfed since birth.

I think each of them has had less than 2 ounces of formula each. I'm not against formula, in fact Miss O. was fed breast milk exclusively through 3 months, then was fed formula while I was at work, and breastfed when I was with her. It worked for us. I went into this pregnancy hoping to produce enough for both babies, but open to the idea that if I couldn't we would supplement.

I just want my babies to be healthy.

Pretty Girl is doing great. She's a champion nurser who will nurse anywhere at any time. At 1 week she weighed 5 lbs, 8 oz., at 6 weeks 7 lbs, 8 oz., and last night at 1o weeks, 10 lbs, 2 oz.

Big Boy is concerning me. We're still nursing with a nipple shield, as he gets hysterical if I try to get him to latch without it, yet takes forever to get latched. Once he's got it, he's great...but sometimes it takes 10 minutes or more to get there. His weights are not as impressive, either. At 1 week, he weighed in at 5 lbs, 4 oz., at 6 weeks 6 lbs, 8oz., and 10 weeks was 7 lbs, 4 oz.

His weight gain has slowed waaaaaaayyyyy down. Around 6 weeks was when I finally got the hang of tandem nursing them...or so I thought. Now, I'm just worried that he's not getting enough milk.

He has plenty of wet and dirty diapers a day. He's nursing 8 to 12 times a day. What else can I do?

They go in for their 2 month check up next Thursday.

I'm fully expecting to be told to supplement Big Boy at this point. Again, if that is what's best for him, I will...but I'd really like to continue just breastfeeding if we could.

Any thoughts?

Many Milestones

This has been a week of many milestones here at Not The Path I Chose.

First of all, the twins are 2 months old!

The way days run into each other around here, I find it hard to believe they've already hit that mark and it's the middle of September.

Big Boy is finally out of preemie clothes and controlling his head better. His cheeks are starting to fill out, both sets! LOL. His smiles are the best, as his whole face light up as he gives his gummy grin.

Pretty Girl is smiling quite a bit, too. She has a double chin now...SO cute and is starting to have to be squeezed into her newborn sized clothes. (The 0-3 are still too big!) She had an ultrasound on her hips this month since she was breech, to make sure everything was OK. Everything looked fine to Mommy and Daddy's relief.

As of Monday the twins seem to have stopped their feeding every hour on the hour schedule, freeing up Mommy to at least be able to go to the bathroom and maybe load the dishwasher. Yay!

Yesterday was my first time going out in public with the two of them by myself. We loaded up the van at 9:15 and headed to the first MOPS meeting of the year. Shockingly, we had no crying for the two hours. Pretty Girl took a short nap, then nursed, while Big Boy looked around for a while then fell asleep. Mommy got to see some friends, enjoy a cup of coffee and feel like herself for a few hours. They were so good, I even braved going out to lunch with a friend afterwards.

Finally, this is my 300th post!

I could have never imagined that I'd be the mother of 3, when I started this blog. I was in a very ugly place emotionally convinced that I'd never have another successful pregnancy. This was my place to rant away and work through those emotions that I thought nobody else understood. What I found was a community who did and has rallied with me as I went through the second half of the long journey that blessed me with the twins. You've cheered my victories, cried along with my losses, and most of all have just been super supportive. Thank you.

Show & Tell: Wishes

Suzy from Not A Fertile Myrtle has revived an old favorite of mine, Show & Tell!

This week, since it's the first time I've found the time to participate, I figured I'd show the darling onsies I received in the mail from Suzy when the twins were born. The saying is just perfect, as it was such a long journey to their arrival.

Even though they were "newborn" size, I had to wait a while before trying them on the twins.

I'm happy to say that they fit great now, and I can't see them in them without smiling, and thinking about the wonderful blogger who sent them. Thanks, Suzy!

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Want to join in? Head on over to Not A Fertile Myrtle and play along!

All By Myself

Sing with me...

All by myself
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore

OK, so it isn't that bad.

It is weird, though, to only have the twins at home with me. And, if I'm being honest, a little lonely.

Miss O. had a great first day of school and came home smiling.

It is a little more challenging than I expected. Miss O. was really good at helping replace a Binky, or pacifier in the fussing baby's mouth, buying me a little time. She was also my legs, running up & down the stairs to grab what I needed, extra onsies, diapers, wipes.

Most of all, I miss her little voice singing, "Ca.rina don't cry, Ca.rina, don't cry", a little song she made up all on her own.

I'm so happy that I'm not returning to work now. It would break my heart to only see Miss O. for about an hour a day.

Instead, I get to be here when she gets off the bus, and enjoy all *three* of my children for the afternoon and evening.

I'm incredibly lucky, even if I am all by myself.

I'm Back!

Whew! I feel like it's been forever since I had a chance to sit down and type a post out. I realize this is how I've started the last few posts, but it's the truth!

M. surprised me with a present last week...an I.pod t.ouch! Woo-hoo! With it, I've managed to reduce my reader from over 500 unread posts to about 45. I'm almost caught up and feel like I'll be able to read and comment on a regular basis now. I've missed you all!

Last week, I took Miss O. and the babies up to my aunt's home for 4 days. It was nice to get away, even if all I did was feed babies. At least I had a change of scenery and a little help! The twins went on an AWFUL cluster feeding run that lasted 5 days. Yes, 5 days! For those 5 days, they ate on the hour, every hour for at least 3 to 5 hours at a time. I shed many tears, but I'm happy that it seems that they've calmed down for now.

School started for Miss O. today and the babies are 8 weeks today...it's a big day around here! Hopefully, I can get pictures and posts about both up in a reasonable amount of time!

How Do You Do It?

Has it really been 10 days since my last post!?!

I would have never thought it had been that long...

I was sure that I've posted a couple of posts over the last 10 days! They must have only been in my head...

The days are running together, but overall, we're doing good here. Just no time to do anything but feed & change babies. We seem to be in the middle of a growth spurt, where at anytime one of the twins will decide they need to eat every hour, on the hour. In between, I'm trying to get out of the house and get Miss O. the things she needs to start school in less than 2 weeks.

Mornings are better than evenings, but I never seem to have ANY time to do anything but feed & change diapers. The announcements have been in my house for two weeks now, and I've yet to write out a single envelope! I'm lucky if I get a shower every 2 days. Eating while your meal is hot? Forget about it!

I know it will pass, so I'm just trying to stay in the zone, focus on them and commit the memory of how they are now to my brain. I just wish I could find a little balance...

So, obviously, I haven't read a blog in about a week. How are you? Any big news I'm missing? And more importantly, how do you do it? How do you find anytime in your day, even if it's five minutes, for you?

Uneasiness & a Decision

Since last December, when we found out we were expecting twins, M. and I have been going back and forth on whether I will be returning to work.

Over the months, my heart had made one decision, while my brain was telling me to make another. Being pulled from work at 32 weeks to go on bed rest, didn't help, as I was hoping to work a little longer to squirrel away some more cash. I'm very thankful that my doctor pulled me then, as I'm sure that really, really helped me carry the twins as long as I did, but it has also made my decision a little tougher.

Yesterday, I pulled into the parking lot of my job for the first time since the end of May.

A close coworker was having her last day, and I wanted to drop off a little gift and a card. Plus, it was nice to introduce the twins to some of my friends. The only thing I was dreading was being asked when I was returning to work.

It was weird to park my vehicle in the lot and getting Miss O. and the twins out to go into the building. We didn't get very far before we were stopped by someone in the hallway who wanted to see the twins. I think it took us 20 minutes to go down a flight of stairs and two hallways! Overall, it was really nice to see everyone and I was only asked once about when I was returning. I shrugged it off and told them that I don't go back to the doctor until the end of the month.

The only big surprise was how I felt about seeing my desk occupied by someone else. I knew the temp would be sitting there, but I didn't expect to see ALL my pictures and personal items to be taken down and have paperwork piled on top of them! I'm not really sure why it bothered me so much, but it did.

As uneasy as I was to go back to visit, I'm glad I did. It only reinforced to me that I'm doing the right thing by not returning to work.

That's right, I've finally made a decision.

After looking into daycare costs, it makes no sense for me to return. I'd be working full time and only bringing home roughly $200 for two weeks of work after paying the daycare. Pinching pennies and following a budget will be well worth it to stay home with Pretty Girl and Big Boy! We thought about changing my shift, to eliminate a lot of daycare costs, but then I wouldn't see Miss O. hardly at all through the week. We waited way too long to finally add to our family, I don't want to miss seeing them grow up because I'm working.

Now, I just have to figure out how to tell my boss...

4 Weeks

Four weeks today, at this moment, I was being wheeled into the recovery room holding the twins.

It was a moment that I often wondered over the years would EVER come.

Now, four weeks into caring for the twins, I'm a little sleepy but very thankful. Thankful that I was able to carry the twins for so long. Thankful that everyone was healthy. Thankful that our family has grown to a "party of 5"!

Over the last week, the twins have started to be awake more and we're getting a chance to see their eyes open! Pretty girl is still cluster feeding, but has stopped doing it in the overnight hours, thank goodness. Big boy is finally not peeing out of his diapers five times a day! I've managed to tandem nurse the two at least a half dozen times...it's a work in progress, but we are getting there.

I'm so thankful to all of you who have been part of my journey to this point. Without your advice and support, I would have lost my mind about 2 years ago.

And before I get too gushy, lovey on all of you, I leave you with this...

A Small Update

Since I'm on borrowed time, I just wanted to give a little update and share some photos, which I know is the REAL reason you've stopped by! ;)

Thank you all SO much for your ideas for keeping Big Boy and myself (!) dry! I've adopted some of your suggestions, and so far today we've only wet through one onsie!

How can you resist little toes?

My Go.ogle reader is somewhere around 600 unread posts. I'm probably going to have to declare bankruptcy soon and just start fresh. In the meantime, I'm trying to catch up on reading, but I'm not having much luck with commenting, so know that I'm reading and following you...I'll try to comment soon!

Ultimately, though, these two are worth every sleepless night, load of laundry and tear shed.

Count With Me...

One long night.

Two change of sheets.

Three feedings per twin.

Four pj changes.

Five minutes of sleep before the next whimper starts...

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I have survived the first week without M.'s help during the day.

Thank goodness he's here at night. Nighttime is tough. Big Boy keeps wetting through everything. It doesn't matter how often I change his diaper, which way I point him, or how tight I seal up the diaper. I'm guaranteed that I'm going to go through at least 3 outfits a day, and another 3 at night! Moms of boys, do you have this problem? If so, what do you do about it?

Then, there's Pretty girl... She now wants to nurse every hour on the hour during the night. Not during the day, but at night only. Which is hard, especially every 2 hours, when Big Boy wants his turn. I haven't managed to figure out how to tandem nurse them yet, so someone has to wait. If I can pump once a day, we'll give one of them a bottle of breast milk, if they can't wait for the other to finish. Otherwise, one just has to fuss until I can feed them.

It seems that trial and error is the only way to figure out what works best for us, and we've had more good days than bad. I might be sleep deprived, but I'm still in awe, that they are mine, every time I look at them. :)

How It All Went Down...

Or, the twins' birth story.

On Monday, July 12th I went in for my NST at the hospital in the morning, babies looked good and the nurses joked that I was going to make my scheduled section date on Wednesday. In the afternoon, I headed in for my 38 week appointment at the doctor's office. My blood pressure was high again, like 139 over 92...and the doc was not happy. After letting me rest, they rechecked it, and it was even higher. At that point, I was told not to eat or drink and head into the hospital.

At the hospital, they hooked us up to the monitors, drew some blood work, and told us to settle in for the night. Around 9 o'clock, with no fluids, I started contracting. Every 5 minutes. I begged for fluids, at least through my IV, but my nurse refused to call my doctor. I really didn't want to deliver Monday night, but it started to look like we might. Finally around midnight, the doc on call came to see me. My blood work wasn't horrible, but I did have a few labs that were pretty close to pre-E. Thankfully, she said I could be unhooked from the monitors, and had the nurses start some fluids to stop my contractions. With my doctor not on call for the night, the plan was to move my c-section up to the following morning, at 9am.

M. and I both struggled to get any sleep that night. I think I managed to doze off for a few hours, but my mind was racing with anticipation.

Tuesday morning, they started to prep me for surgery around 7:30am. I was really nervous about the spinal, as my c-section with DD was under general anesthesia. Everyone kept telling me it would be okay. After being bumped for an emergency, we walked down to the OR at about 10:30...the anesthesiologist did a great job and my spinal took on the first try. I can't even begin to explain how relieved I was. M. came in and sat down next to my head, in a wheelchair (!) and we waited to hear the first cries.

At 11:06am, Car.ina Hope started screaming! She weighed in at 6 lbs, 1oz and was 19 inches long. Her brother, Nat.han Michael, arrived at 11:07am, a thin 5 lbs, 6 oz. and 18 1/2 inches long. The first thing M. said was that they had hair! I never thought my babies would be anything but bald...Miss O. didn't have hair until she was 2 years old!

Hearing their cries was the best sound ever. I cried many, many happy tears that day, as our long journey to add to our family finally came to fruition. We all came home that Friday, and we're finally settling into a routine. I'm so incredibly happy and so blessed. Every time I look at them, I still can't believe they are both mine and are here and healthy!

Coming Up For Air

Is it really the last week of July already?

I can't believe the twins will turn 2 weeks old tomorrow.

All my days run together, all the same...feed the babies, change diapers, eat a meal or two, play with Miss O., and try to get a little sleep.

I'm loving every minute of it.

Thank you all for the warm wishes and congratulations on the announcement of the twins' arrival. I have so many blog posts floating around in my head, including their birth story...I just have to figure out how to find some time to write them out.

M. goes back to work tomorrow, and I'll be on my own. Wish me luck!

Introducing...

Car.ina Hope & Nath.an Michael

July 13, 2010

11:06 am & 11:07 am

Weighing 6 lbs. 1 oz. & 5 lbs. 6 oz.

38 Weeks!

Today is that special day of the week, when I roll over into the next week for gestating these babies.

38 weeks.

This entire pregnancy, when people asked me my due date, I'd say, "July 23rd, but since it's twins, I'm aiming for July 9th!".

Often, this was met with much laughter and a look of doubt. Especially from those in the medical community, who often said, "I'll bet you'll have babies at the end of June!".

I have to say I'm proud that I was right!

When I went in to the hospital this morning for my NST, every nurse I ran into was shocked that I'm still carrying these babies.

I just smiled and laughed.

Unless the babies decide otherwise, in five days, I'll be checking into the hospital for my scheduled section. On one hand, I can't believe it's so close, yet on the other, I'm SO ready to meet these little ones.

So Baby A & Baby B, now that we've hit July 9th, you can decide to come at any time...Momma won't mind at all! :)

Fears

I'm 37 weeks and 4 days today, but who's counting!?!

No babies yet.

I'm starting to think we might actually make it through the next 8 days to my scheduled section.

Crazy!

::::::::::::::::::::

In the middle of the night, when I wake up to use the bathroom, my mind has started to wake up, too. It's beginning to get a little frustrating, as I can't seem to turn it off, once it starts.

For the last week, I keep thinking about the birth of these babies. As excited as I am to meet them, I'm really starting to feel uneasy about their upcoming delivery.

I'm scared to death that I won't be awake for their entrance into this world.

I know that every day, thousands of people have their babies by cesarean, and they hear the cries and see their babies after they are born. It's not even that I'm scared about the procedure, after all, that's how Miss O. came into the world. I know what to expect in my recovery, this shouldn't be such a big deal.

But it is.

My birth experience with Miss O. did not go as planned. I wanted a drug free, natural as possible delivery of my first child. Everything went okay at first, until my contractions started to stop around the time I was 5 centimeters dilated.

"No problem.", my nurse said, "Your doctor will order some pit.ocin and you'll be moving right along."

I definitely started contracting again, as they ramped up the pit. It was awful. The contractions started coming one on top of each other with no chance to recover before the next one. I started to lose my focus, and begged M. to make the pain stop.

It would be nice to say that I managed to get through it and had my delivery the way I wanted, but I wasn't so lucky.

About 14 hours into my labor, the baby's heart rate started to drop with every contraction. They gave me oxygen. Then, the heart rate wouldn't recover after a contraction.

Everything gets very blurry at this point. Doctors and nurses were running into my room, flipping me on my left side, shouting out things like, "More oxygen" and "fetal distress", quickly forms appeared in front of M. and I, asking us to sign consent to go to the operating room.

In the OR, the anesthesiologist could not get the spinal in.

After 4 sticks to my back, my OB said he needed to deliver the baby...at that point, I remember saying, "Do what you have to do to get the baby out." Quickly I was laid back, gas over my face and everything went dark.

Miss O. was delivered while I was under general anesthetic, and M. was in the hallway worried.

M. and I had been waiting to find out what we were having...I woke up in recovery, crying, "Did I have a boy or a girl?"

Ultimately, Miss O. was okay and that's all that mattered.

I won't lie, though, I felt robbed.

I never heard her first cry. I didn't really even see her until about an hour after she was born.

::::::::::::::::::::

I so, so, SO afraid that the same thing is going to happen again.

My doctor keeps telling me that it'll be different.

It'll be a more controlled environment. They'll be able to take their time and get the spinal in and it'll work.

I don't want to miss the birth of these two.

I want M. to be able to see his children being born, and to be sitting next to me.

I really hope she's right.

Dazed & Confused

I need a new Friday routine...

Back up, yes, I'm still here. No babies yet.

After contracting ALL day yesterday, from 5 minutes to 35 minutes apart, with no consistency, everything died off around 9pm. I was disappointed, I'm not going to lie. It just felt like it was the day to have them, you know?

Anyhow...I headed in this morning like a good little patient to L&D for my NST. I expected to get in and out, and be on my way to my doctor's appointment at 11:15am. Babies looked good, everything went well, except my blood pressure. It's starting to creep up again.

I don't really understand why, but my doctor told the nurse to keep me for further monitoring, and to not worry about my appointment. This, of course, is after I was already unhooked and ready to go!

So, back on the monitors I go, for another 2 hours. Again, babies look good. Blood pressure isn't great, but okay. Now, I haven't ate or drank since this morning, so it's no surprise that I'm contracting again. After an internal exam...ugh, I hate them...I'm still soft and closed. No change.

Finally, shortly after 1 o'clock, I'm allowed to leave. I arrived at 9, so poor Miss O. had been sitting with me for over 4 hours...she's such a trooper!

I don't mind the fact that my doctor is being cautious, I just wish they'd explain what she's looking for.

At this point, unless I'm contracting consistently every 10 minutes or my water breaks, I'm still in a holding pattern.

37 weeks today....wow.

No Sleep Here

I've been up since about 2:30am...it's shortly after 6 o'clock now.

I awoke to a painful contraction that left me wide awake. After about 3 more of those, I decided to take a shower, just in case.

After the shower, I laid back down on my left side and continued to contract.

I gave up sleeping around 4:30am, and headed downstairs to track what's going on...

Not a whole lot.

I'm contracting anywhere from 5 to 20-some minutes apart. Enough to keep me up, but not enough to be regular.

I wonder if today will be the day...

Still Here & Pictures

"Yes, I'm still at home."

"Yes, the babies aren't here yet."

"Yes, we're still aiming for the July 14th date." (Of course, my doctor might feel otherwise...I think she's taking it appointment by appointment at this point.)

Wow, I can't tell you how many times I've said those phrases since Friday. I don't remember it being like this with Miss O. and she was a week late!

On Sunday, I nested. Well, I nested as much as you can from a recliner with a bottle of water in one hand! Poor M., I was his "supervisor", telling him everything that needed to get done NOW and how I wanted it done. He was a great sport, and got almost everything on my list crossed off.

We were going to finish up Monday morning, but instead most of the day was spent up in Labor & Delivery again. I woke up feeling really crampy, nauseous, and swollen. I was also concerned that the babies were quite quiet, which is unusual in the morning. When nothing let up after a few hours, I broke down and called the doctor. She sent me straight up for another NST and some blood work. Babies looked great, of course. Surprisingly, I was having contractions. Not really big ones, not enough to change my cervix, but contractions, none the less. After about 3 hours of laying down in triage, my blood work came back okay and I was released to home. I have to head in to see my doctor in about an hour, so we'll see what she has to say.

I've been wanting to share some of the photographs that my friend took...if you stuck around this long, rambling post you deserve to see them!

I really wanted a family picture...I think this is my favorite!

Miss O. hugging the babies!

LOVE.

Fun with blocks!