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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

And The Hits...

...they just keep coming.

I'm in shock.

Angry.

Shamed.

Scared.

Sad.

Furious.

All at the same time.

This time, it isn't about me. It's my little sister.

My only sis, who hasn't even been married a year. My sister, who came to me with worries of infertility. And I shrugged her off, telling her that she was young, that it wouldn't be a problem for them. Even worse, I was ticked. I was convinced, in my mind, that she would be pregnant before I could conceive and carry another child. I told her not to worry, that at her age, no doc would look at them until they were trying for a year.

I feel horrible for so much that I didn't say, but thought over the last few months. I'm so ashamed.

About two months ago, she mentioned that her husband had finally given a sample to be tested.

The sperm sample came back low. Really low. Like almost a zero count.

They waited a month. Consulted with my RE, Dr. Hope. I'm not proud of myself, but I was not happy that they were seeing my RE. Selfishly, I felt like she was encroaching on my territory. I told her not to worry, the next sample would be better. I tried to keep hope alive.

Another sample was given. Still a zero count.

They were shuffled off to a urologist recommended by my RE. More blood work, an ultrasound. Last week, her husband underwent multiple biopsies to see if there were usable sperm in his tissue.

Today they had their follow up appointment.

She called me just as I was leaving work today and asked if I could come over to his parents house. I could tell something was wrong, but I never could have imagined what. I was actually a little short with her on the phone. I don't like to not know what I'm walking into, and I selfishly thought that she wanted me to come and explain some things about IVF. To his parents. I was so wrong.

He has tes.tic.ular can.cer.

Life is not fair.

18 comments:

  1. That really sucks! Ugh! My thoughts and prayers are with your Sister and BIL.

    Know that I am thinking about you and them and I will make sure that a prayer is said.

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  2. Oh God. That's so horrible. I'm thinking of them.

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  3. God, that sucks. That is just so incredibly unfair. I will be sending my good thoughts their direction.

    And I know you must feel bad for all of your ill wishes, but just know that everything you thought was totally normal. I would have thought the same things, and I just hope that soon, you are able to take at least the "shame" feeling off of your list. This is not your fault, those feelings are 100% understandable, and there is nothing that you could have done or said that would have changed the outcome. I am so sorry that they are going through this, and so sorry for all the sadness it has brought to you. I wish you and your family peace.

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  4. that's awful. I'm so sorry.

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  5. I would have felt the same way as you too.

    I'm so sorry for your BIL and sis. Thinking of your family.

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  6. oh my god, i am so, so sorry. I'll be keeping your sis & her husband in my prayers.

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  7. Oh no. I am so sorry to hear this.

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  8. The only positive thing here is that if they hadn't been looking at infertility, they might not have caught it--and they did. One of my friends had testicular cancer at age 27, had one testicle removed and radiation and chemo that they said would render him infertile. Their unexpected miracle baby is due in two months. So you simply never know. They'll be in my prayers.

    And all the thoughts you had were perfectly reasonable--that you didn't voice most of them is admirable. I can't even find a way to blame you for being short on the phone--I hate walking into situations like that without a full picture, and there's no reason to not have told you (I'm not in any way being critical of your sister--just saying you had reason to be annoyed). But something like this can make you question every single thing you've ever thought--which won't help anybody. Give yourself a break here!

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  9. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of them.

    I will say, though Meghan really said it best. You shouldn't feel guilty, not at all. Be gentle with yourself here.

    xxx

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  10. I am so sorry for the news you all received regarding your BIL. I hope the docs caught it early and the prognosis is good. They have been added to my prayer list.

    Please don't beat yourself up over the thoughts you were feeling.

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  11. Oh my God. I am so sorry for him, for your family. I am so hopeful- what medicine can do today for cancer is truly amazing.

    I am sure we'd all have had the same thoughts, so go easy on yourself. She knows you are there for her now.

    Sending MUCH love and hugs.
    Carrie

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  12. I will just repeat it. Be gentle and tender to yourself. This is not your doing. Your Family is in my thoughts. I am so sorry.

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  13. Wow...what a complete bummer. I am SO sorry for your BIL and sister.

    *ICLW*

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  14. Oh that just breaks me heart!

    Don't berate yourself, sweetie. You had NO idea. I know, easier said than done. I hate, hate, hate cancer with a passion. And I'm praying he fights and wins!

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  15. You couldn't have known. Don't beat yourself up... at this point, my suggestion is to do what we ask others to do for us... educate yourself. Find out how to help.

    And forgive yourself...
    ~ ICLW

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  16. Oh, I am so, so sorry. Praying for your family.

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  17. I am so so sorry- your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I knew something better to say or that I could just give you a hug.

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  18. please do not feel bad about your intial reaction, I think most of us would have felt the same way

    praying for your BIL & sister

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