No babies yet.
I'm starting to think we might actually make it through the next 8 days to my scheduled section.
In the middle of the night, when I wake up to use the bathroom, my mind has started to wake up, too. It's beginning to get a little frustrating, as I can't seem to turn it off, once it starts.
For the last week, I keep thinking about the birth of these babies. As excited as I am to meet them, I'm really starting to feel uneasy about their upcoming delivery.
I'm scared to death that I won't be awake for their entrance into this world.
I know that every day, thousands of people have their babies by cesarean, and they hear the cries and see their babies after they are born. It's not even that I'm scared about the procedure, after all, that's how Miss O. came into the world. I know what to expect in my recovery, this shouldn't be such a big deal.
But it is.
My birth experience with Miss O. did not go as planned. I wanted a drug free, natural as possible delivery of my first child. Everything went okay at first, until my contractions started to stop around the time I was 5 centimeters dilated.
"No problem.", my nurse said, "Your doctor will order some pit.ocin and you'll be moving right along."
I definitely started contracting again, as they ramped up the pit. It was awful. The contractions started coming one on top of each other with no chance to recover before the next one. I started to lose my focus, and begged M. to make the pain stop.
It would be nice to say that I managed to get through it and had my delivery the way I wanted, but I wasn't so lucky.
About 14 hours into my labor, the baby's heart rate started to drop with every contraction. They gave me oxygen. Then, the heart rate wouldn't recover after a contraction.
Everything gets very blurry at this point. Doctors and nurses were running into my room, flipping me on my left side, shouting out things like, "More oxygen" and "fetal distress", quickly forms appeared in front of M. and I, asking us to sign consent to go to the operating room.
In the OR, the anesthesiologist could not get the spinal in.
After 4 sticks to my back, my OB said he needed to deliver the baby...at that point, I remember saying, "Do what you have to do to get the baby out." Quickly I was laid back, gas over my face and everything went dark.
Miss O. was delivered while I was under general anesthetic, and M. was in the hallway worried.
M. and I had been waiting to find out what we were having...I woke up in recovery, crying, "Did I have a boy or a girl?"
Ultimately, Miss O. was okay and that's all that mattered.
I won't lie, though, I felt robbed.
I never heard her first cry. I didn't really even see her until about an hour after she was born.
I so, so, SO afraid that the same thing is going to happen again.
My doctor keeps telling me that it'll be different.
It'll be a more controlled environment. They'll be able to take their time and get the spinal in and it'll work.
I don't want to miss the birth of these two.
I want M. to be able to see his children being born, and to be sitting next to me.
I really hope she's right.