Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I'm 37 weeks and 4 days today, but who's counting!?!

No babies yet.

I'm starting to think we might actually make it through the next 8 days to my scheduled section.



In the middle of the night, when I wake up to use the bathroom, my mind has started to wake up, too. It's beginning to get a little frustrating, as I can't seem to turn it off, once it starts.

For the last week, I keep thinking about the birth of these babies. As excited as I am to meet them, I'm really starting to feel uneasy about their upcoming delivery.

I'm scared to death that I won't be awake for their entrance into this world.

I know that every day, thousands of people have their babies by cesarean, and they hear the cries and see their babies after they are born. It's not even that I'm scared about the procedure, after all, that's how Miss O. came into the world. I know what to expect in my recovery, this shouldn't be such a big deal.

But it is.

My birth experience with Miss O. did not go as planned. I wanted a drug free, natural as possible delivery of my first child. Everything went okay at first, until my contractions started to stop around the time I was 5 centimeters dilated.

"No problem.", my nurse said, "Your doctor will order some pit.ocin and you'll be moving right along."

I definitely started contracting again, as they ramped up the pit. It was awful. The contractions started coming one on top of each other with no chance to recover before the next one. I started to lose my focus, and begged M. to make the pain stop.

It would be nice to say that I managed to get through it and had my delivery the way I wanted, but I wasn't so lucky.

About 14 hours into my labor, the baby's heart rate started to drop with every contraction. They gave me oxygen. Then, the heart rate wouldn't recover after a contraction.

Everything gets very blurry at this point. Doctors and nurses were running into my room, flipping me on my left side, shouting out things like, "More oxygen" and "fetal distress", quickly forms appeared in front of M. and I, asking us to sign consent to go to the operating room.

In the OR, the anesthesiologist could not get the spinal in.

After 4 sticks to my back, my OB said he needed to deliver the that point, I remember saying, "Do what you have to do to get the baby out." Quickly I was laid back, gas over my face and everything went dark.

Miss O. was delivered while I was under general anesthetic, and M. was in the hallway worried.

M. and I had been waiting to find out what we were having...I woke up in recovery, crying, "Did I have a boy or a girl?"

Ultimately, Miss O. was okay and that's all that mattered.

I won't lie, though, I felt robbed.

I never heard her first cry. I didn't really even see her until about an hour after she was born.


I so, so, SO afraid that the same thing is going to happen again.

My doctor keeps telling me that it'll be different.

It'll be a more controlled environment. They'll be able to take their time and get the spinal in and it'll work.

I don't want to miss the birth of these two.

I want M. to be able to see his children being born, and to be sitting next to me.

I really hope she's right.


  1. Your fears are totally warranted! But you have a second chance here to get what you want. My assvice? I didn't hear you ask but... :) .... Get the drugs *right away* (I know you're going to get a section so that's not really a question) but if you do you know there will be no rush to do it when the time comes. No shame in being pain-free (or as close as possible) and you will be in the best position possible to get to see these babies' birth!

    Amazing you (and your cervix, lol) have made it this far! You're a trooper!!!

  2. So much of this is out of our control... I totally get the feeling of having been robbed, even though my 1st cesarean was planned it wasn't what I wanted... am still grieving a bit... I hope the birth this time will be just filled with joy.

  3. That is great news-37 weeks and 4 days!!! I hope the birth of your babies goes much smoother and everyone is well ;-)

  4. way to grow those babies!

    and, I totally get the feeling of being "robbed". I felt the same way with my O's birth. I felt cheated and almost as if I didn't have a "birth".

  5. I sympathize with son's emergency C-Section after induction and 12 hours of labor--the worst experience of my life. I was scared to death going into my daughter's scheduled C. But, I tell was a night and day experience. It was the easiest procedure, the feeling of being totally out of it--not there. I was able to experience things the "right" way. Recovery and everything was much better.

    I wish the very best your second time around! :-)

  6. Oh, I hope that for you too. I can't imagine how hard the first c-section was for you. Scary. For both you and your hubby. Hopefully you will waltz into the hospital on your scheduled day and be able to do everything calmly and organized. We'll be thinking about you. :)

  7. I can totally understand your fear and I can imagine it is hard not to think about. I will be praying for you that this experience will be different and you will be able to see their beauitful faces as soon as they are born!!!

  8. You poor thing, I wish you all the very best for this second delivery, i think your doctor is right that it'll be much more controlled and everything will be done at a different pace. Just focus on the fact that it won't be long until you hold the babies. Love, Fran

  9. That, I think, has to be one of the hardest go in with one plan and have it go completely different from what you expected and not at all like you had hoped.

    Prayfully that won't happen this time. Thinking about you guys!

  10. Oh Momma, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Of course Miss O is here safe and sound which is all that really matters, but who wishes for a birth like that. I really hope you get a better experience with the twins! HUGS!