Tears, cries, sobbing.
That was what you would have seen last night if you peeked into the windows at Not The Path I Chose.
Some of the tears shed were from the babies, but most of them were mine...
The twins usually wake up at least once a night to eat. Pretty Girl got up first, nursed for a good 30 minutes and went right back down. Shortly after, Big Boy started snorting. When he's hungry, between cries, he'll snort.
Loudly.
It's the funniest thing, him sounding like a baby pig!
So, I brought him in and he started to nurse. Even though he's bottle fed during the day, we've managed to continue to nurse at night. I really enjoyed this time with him, and it took the sting away about not breastfeeding him exclusively.
After 30 minutes, he fell back asleep and I placed him back in the crib next to Pretty Girl.
That's when I smelled it.
Poop.
As I picked Pretty Girl up, the scent got stronger. We went over to the changing table and as I started to change her, my half asleep mind snapped to attention as I realized it was a blow-out.
I had to change her AND the bed.
If this wasn't bad enough at 3 am, Big Boy wakes back up and starts to scream, then snort alternately. No matter how hard I try to calm him down, he wouldn't. I finally break down, head downstairs and make a bottle.
He sucked down the 4 ounces like he hadn't ate in hours. That's when my tears started.
I'm pretty sure our nursing days are done.
After nursing for 30 minutes, Big Boy should not eat a 4 ounce bottle...something isn't working. I'm sad to lose this special time with him, but I recognize that I've got to do what works best for him.
So, I'll continue to pump as much as I can to supplement his bottles.
This shouldn't bother me this badly. I'm still exclusively breast feeding Pretty Girl.
I think that's the problem.
My heart feels badly that I can't make it work for both of them. My subconscious is beating me up. That I'm giving her something, while robbing him of something.
All those thoughts that grow exponentially with a lack of sleep. Things always seem worse when you need zzz's.
Yawn.
I'm going to try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, at least until I get a nap.
Wish me luck.
I think in the end you need to realize that you are doing what is best for both of them. No matter if that means he needs a supplement of formula or not--you are providing them both with nourishment.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nasty time for a blow out!
Hope you catch some "z"s.
Hang in there. As mothers, we tend to beat ourselves up way too much. You obviously know your son is needing extra nourishment. You can supplement his bottles with the breastmilk you can provide as long as you want. My boys both needed for mutiple reasons- I couldn't provide what theys needed and I needed some control and sanity/sleep. It worked for us, but you have to do what is right for your family. Just remember to take things one day at a time. You are doing the best you can with what you have! Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteyou're doing an amazing job. I can't imagine how difficult it is to have twins, especially when you're exhausted and they're eating different ways on top of it. You're so strong and amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteAwe I'm so sorry! Mommy guilt is the worst. You are doing such an amazing job & although it's not easy you are doing what is best for you. Goes to show what a great mommy you really are! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteWow! That was stressful and overwhelming to read about, I can only imagine living it... (((HUGS))) I am so proud of you doing that best you can for both of your babies. I totally get the Mommy guilt, but as you know (easy said than done) you need to do what is best for all of you and if you aren't able to nurse them both exclusively you and they will be fine. But I get how much you want to/wish you could nurse both with no supplimenting.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, did I mention I am proud of you? Those sleepless nights are so challenging and again I can ONLY IMAGINE what it is like with two babies. HANG IN THERE! You can do this and you are doing this (and an amazing job at that)!
You are doing your absolute best and I am right behind Kathy. SO proud of you!! Hang in there and take the time to grieve if you need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet comment with all you've got on your plate!
You are doing an amazing job and you never know - he may have had that bottle to calm himself down, not out of hunger. I had a rough time nursing both of mine, so I know the guilt of it very well. Whatever you do for your kids is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteOh I fondly remember the first early morning I came in with a bottle and not my boob for C. I cried the whole time. I completely understand.
ReplyDeleteJack snorts when he's upset, too. It's both hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I always feel like there's so many compromises that we have to make as twin mamas-- I can see how it would feel unfair to have to compromise on the way you feed them.
But, I think you know you're right, in that you are doing what is best for each of them. And from all the other twin mamas I've known, you are a total rockstar for being able to continue nursing for as long as you have. It's hard, even with one. Two is insanely difficult, even when they both latch and feed well.
Ah, yes. The poo-splosion... Jack poops several times a day, but Henry only poops every couple of days, so when he does poop? Oh, man. What a mess!! For some reason, his bouncy chair is his preferred place to poop, and I've now washed the cloth chair cover more times than I can remember! Sigh.
*hugs* Poop-splosions are never fun...especially while you're exhausted. I hope you guys are all doing better soon.
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