Saturday, March 28, 2009


Not the kind that you use to get around town, but the bigger ones, the kind you interpret as the universe or someone sending you.

I have always been on the lookout for signs.

Why not? Wouldn't life be a little easier if the answer you're looking for would just fall from the sky?

As I grow older, I realize there is very little about life that is black and white. As a child, you believe that doing X+Y=Z. You finish school, meet your soul mate, have good jobs, start a family. It should be that simple. But life isn't like that.

I like to think of myself as an optimist. You know, who always looks for the silver lining in a situation. Honestly, though, this week has been tough. I can't seem to find that glimmer of shine I've been straining my eyes to see. All I see right now is grey, almost like a fog.

My mind is starting to wonder if this last loss is a sign.

The sign to give up.

Really, the odds are definitely stacked against me at this point. Six pregnancies, five losses, one child. With every loss, I am at awe that I even have Miss O. I hug her a little tighter each time, as my heart breaks. I wonder if I'm being selfish because I want another. But part of that urge is FOR Miss O. I want her to have a brother or sister.

Do you believe in signs? And, how do you know when it's time to give up?


  1. A loaded question.

    I use to believe in signs, but I don't anymore because they've misguided me so many times.

    I guess for me, I have a deadline now. One DE cycle, and anything frozen that might come from that cycle. Then for sure, I am done. And I am okay with that.

    Eventually, the clouds will clear and you'll know.

  2. I think I believe in signs, but interpreting them is another matter. I have no idea how to figure that part out.

    That last paragraph about Miss O, that's how I felt after my 2 losses since having DS. I felt like in a way continuing to try was taking something from him, because after each loss I was absent for a long time, dealing with my grief. But on the other hand I wanted to give him a sibling. And I knew how lucky I was to have him and thought maybe if I could just give up on another baby and just enjoy him, I could be happy, but how do you give up on the desire for another baby? I don't know, there just aren't easy answers. I told myself one more time, but knew that if I lost another one I might find myself saying one more time. I have no idea how to know when it is is time to give up :(

    (((hugs))) I've been thinking about you a lot.

  3. BagMomma's right. This is a loaded question.

    I think that if I had listened to "signs" before I had Baby O, I wouldn't have him right now.

    Personally, I think you need to give yourself space and time to grieve over this loss before you can make any decisions. Because the desire to have a sibling for Miss O might just be a sign that you shouldn't give up.

    And ultimately, you need to be at peace with whatever decision you make. It needs to feel RIGHT.

    Hugs. I've been thinking about you a lot and sending you love and good thoughts.


  4. I agree with the last post - give yourself some time before making a decision. I would love to share my story with I got my body back on track health wise after losing my baby.


  5. Such a profound post filled with wisdom and pain. I do not believe in signs in the sense that the "Universe" hands them out. I believe that we, and our lives, are far more precious to be left up to mother nature. No, I believe in God. Christians are not immune from disaster so I know some people don't understand how a kind God could let us live through so much. I don't have all of life's answers by any means. And I'm not about to preach either unless you're interested in hearing more.

    After my 2nd miscarriage I was in the same place as you. I just wanted to put my hands up and say, "Forget it. I'm moving on with my life." I understand this dark place you are in right now and I wish that you weren't there at all.

    We're here for you sweetheart. *HUGS*

  6. I agree with everyone's comments. Perpective, reflection and Time can all be Signs, Friends and Enemies.

  7. I guess my answer would be (had it not been for age) when the "whatifs" are not worse than the pain of the losses/bfns.

    Giving you lots of ~hugs~ girl.

  8. Wow, that is a hard one. I have wondered this from the secondary IF perspective, too. When do I stop and be happy? I guess I know I won't really be happy until I know I have given it everything. You sure have given so much, though. Please never doubt your amazing ability to mother your daughter, and be present through grief. Don't let that guilt creep in if you can.

    I don't believe in signs anymore. I used to, and it made me NUTTY and superstitious, so I try to ignore them as much as possible.

    I hope you can continue to heal after this most recent, terrible loss. I am so very sorry for you again.


  9. I get crazy about signs too. I am extremely superstitious, and am always looking out for guidance from the universe in all kinds of places. But I guess a sign isn't really a sign unless you think that it is. Which just leads back to you having to listen to your heart to find out whether it is breaking more from all of these losses, or worse from the thought that O wouldn't have a sibling.

    It just isn't fair... I wish you weren't having to make these choices. Thinking about you. xox

  10. I try so very hard not to believe in signs. I have to believe that issues that I deal with are pure random chance, otherwise I start to go down the road of "Why does the universe hate me so much? Why ME?", which gets exhausting really fast.

    I am so sorry for your losses. Having Miss O is wonderful, I'm sure, but wanting another child doesn't make you selfish regardless of the reason. Primary infertility sucks because you don't have any children at all, but I imagine secondary infertility to just be a complete and total mind-f#ck- you did it once, why can't you do it again???

    I think that's why I have such a hard time criticizing the octuplet mom- she has the right to choose the size of her family, even if I think her choice is outrageous. Even if I'm jealous that she has so many when I have none, it isn't my right to judge her family planning decisions (I'll judge the doc all I want, thank you, but Nadja is a grown woman with her own decisions to make, even if they seem weird to me).

    Anyhow, you have every right to be upset, to grieve not having a second child. If you genuinely believe in signs, then take from it what you will- but maybe, if it is a sign, it's the universe trying to teach you perseverance, rather than it trying to tell you to stop, right? I don't know... I just wish you peace right now as you try to come to terms with what this life has in store for you.

  11. I too am wondering when has it been enough already? It seems cruel to put ourselves through this torture... both physically and mentally.

    Then I hug my daughter, and think to myself "one more try".

    It's a tough question. Best of luck, I hope it all gets easier for you soon.

  12. I came over from LFCA. I wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I just said a prayer for you.

  13. I just wanted to say I so understand the pain of wanting a second child and feeling so strongly that you need to do it for your child you have. I wish you love and luck and peace where possible.