Unplugged

After a weekend of unplugging myself from my tech lifelines, I'm trying to catch up with my life again. It was a much needed and enjoyed break, but I always feel like I'm behind once I plug back in! So much has happened in the last few days...this is probably going to be a very fragmented post.

~ My hubby rocks! I really don't know what I would do without him. All the reasons he rocks will be peppered throughout this post...but I'll start with Saturday. He called my sister, without me knowing, and set up for her to have a sleepover with Miss O. Saturday night. He then called up some friends, and by the time he came home from work, he had a whole evening planned for me.


~ Saturday night was very nice. We crossed the state line, and headed to a racino south of us. I've never watched horse racing in person, just on TV. We ate dinner overlooking the racetrack, and even placed a few bets. Good food, good drinks, good company, all led to a really good time!

~ Sunday was my birthday. Happy birthday to me!


~ I spent my birthday doing to things that I love. First, we trekked to IK.EA, where I got my semi-annual fix. Secondly, we met my best friend from college and her husband for an awesome meal of Thai. Mmmm. That is the one kind of food that I can't get where I live. An hour drive each way was totally worth it.

~ My birthday present? A Cricut! I'm an avid scrapbooker and SO excited that I actually have one! It's the only present I received, as M and my sister went in together on it, but I don't care. Yay!


~ Monday was a pretty crappy day. I woke up with a head cold. Thank you, oppressed immune system! Had my blood drawn for another hCG count, and it was up, again. Argh! Are you kidding? Monday's numbers? 323.

~ M went out Monday night, and brought me home brownies. Not just any brownie but the gourmet variety. One was a cookies & cream, one peanut butter cup, and one carmel turtle. Considering I didn't have any birthday cake, I enjoyed a piece of all three!

How was your weekend?

Signs

Not the kind that you use to get around town, but the bigger ones, the kind you interpret as the universe or someone sending you.

I have always been on the lookout for signs.

Why not? Wouldn't life be a little easier if the answer you're looking for would just fall from the sky?

As I grow older, I realize there is very little about life that is black and white. As a child, you believe that doing X+Y=Z. You finish school, meet your soul mate, have good jobs, start a family. It should be that simple. But life isn't like that.

I like to think of myself as an optimist. You know, who always looks for the silver lining in a situation. Honestly, though, this week has been tough. I can't seem to find that glimmer of shine I've been straining my eyes to see. All I see right now is grey, almost like a fog.

My mind is starting to wonder if this last loss is a sign.

The sign to give up.

Really, the odds are definitely stacked against me at this point. Six pregnancies, five losses, one child. With every loss, I am at awe that I even have Miss O. I hug her a little tighter each time, as my heart breaks. I wonder if I'm being selfish because I want another. But part of that urge is FOR Miss O. I want her to have a brother or sister.

Do you believe in signs? And, how do you know when it's time to give up?

Stick Me Baby

This morning did not start out the way I intended.

My appointment at the Blood and Cancer Center was slated for bright and early at 8am. M. was planning to come with me to hold my hand, and Miss O. was heading to daycare, since children aren't really welcome there. I thought I had it all planned out, and then we ALL slept in. As I rolled out of bed, I looked at the clock and couldn't believe my eyes. It was 7:30, and we were all still in bed. Oops.

Somehow, we managed to only be about 5 minutes late for my appointment. First up, getting weighed. Yeah, add some more insult to injury. Then blood work, my goodness, I'm really starting to feel like a pincushion. Like most busy medical offices, I finally saw a doctor after about an hour. I had to meet with one of the doctors, before they would administer the methotrexate. Dr. G. was a kind, older man with an accent. He kept asking me if I was sure that I had 5 previous pregnancies and losses. Oddly, I never cried. It was almost like I've run out of tears. After much discussion, he set out to do a quick physical. M. and I had a hard time not laughing when he pulled out a flashlight, the kind you would find in a toolbox, and shined it in my eyes. He then told me to follow the light with my eyes. How could you not, I thought. Then he asked to see my teeth? Eh, at least he was kind.

From there, I was moved to the chemo room, where I was given an oral pill to help with nausea, as the nurse got the 2 shots ready. One for each hip. Equal opportunity, I suppose. Ouch, they stung more than I remembered. And that was it. All that buildup for 2 shots.

I've spent the majority of the afternoon on my couch with the heating pad, trying to stave off the stiffness and ache I feel creeping in. I'm drinking lots of fluids, as suggested, and catching up on what's on my DVR.

Now we wait.

Panic Attacks

Thank you all for your support and concern.

I really, really appreciate it. I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful community that "gets" it. That said, I've made a decision about this pregnancy and I would request that you respect my decision, even if you don't agree with it.

::::::::::::::::::::

After a long discussion with M., my RE, and my OB/GYN I will be going forward with the methotrexate tomorrow morning. We all have concluded that it's probably the best step now.
The facts are I only have one tube left. I lost the other to a ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. I can sit and wait it out, but honestly, EVERY day that I do that, I chance the health of my tube. I've been a wreck for the last day and a half, my heart has been racing and I'm questioning ANY twinge I have on my right side.


I'm just heartbroken, but I know that this is what I need to do.

And It Continues...

This morning's draw? 223. Ugh.


This led to a long conversation with the RE this morning. He's recommending methotrexate. Says that the pregnancy is now textbook for it being in my only remaining tube. It's growing, but not enough, and that's what happens when it's tubal.

I'm just sick.


This isn't my first go around with this chemotherapy drug. That's right, it's a chemo drug. Almost 2 years ago, I had a miscarriage that started. I bleed and my numbers were going down. They were monitoring the numbers until they returned to zero. Except, they started going back up, after hitting a low of 16. From BFP to finally getting a clean bill of health, it took 2 months.

Two months of bleeding, bi-weekly blood draws, and too many doctor appointments to count. I joke that was the pregnancy that wouldn't end.


I'm waiting for the doc to call me back with the details of when I'll go in to receive the methotrexate. I'm not looking forward to it. Last time, I had lots of nausea, was exhausted, and had painful mouth sores. Good times.

I'm so tired.

Stop This Train...

I wanna get off!

hCG levels on Friday...124.

No where near where they should be for almost 6 weeks gestation. My spotting has stopped. Since the levels went up from Tuesday, RE is worried about my only tube. This is becoming a nightmare.

I will be redrawn on Monday.

::::::::::::::::::::

Thank you to everyone who has been stopping by and offering such kind words and support. It means SO much to me. I'm very thankful to have found this community.

Pack It Up

My morning routine is pretty simple. Shower, dress, minimal make-up, blow dry my hair. That's about it. I try to look good, but I don't stress over it. Total time spent on getting me ready? About 20-25 minutes.

It took me over an hour today.

I must have changed my clothes at LEAST six times. Nothing fits. None of my button down shirts will button over my incredibly swollen chest. If I find something that fits my chest, it's too tight around my middle, which is SO bloated. I'm ready to pack up my entire closet and give it away.

My face is quickly becoming a mess, too. My forehead is breaking out, and nothing seems to be helping. So, not only do I feel like crap, I look like crap, as well. No amount of make-up can cover up the bumpiness, I swear it only amplifies it.

Looking in the mirror is an insult, honestly. I'm already disgusted with my body's failures at holding on to a pregnancy, and that's before I see what is staring back at me. Puffy, red eyes from crying, an acne filled forehead, buttons straining to fly open, and rolls on my stomach.

Oh, and I started spotting this morning.

Game Over

The thick fog that settled on everything this morning should have been my first clue.

It was so dense, that I sat at the end of my street, for over 10 minutes, before I felt comfortable enough to pull out. You couldn't see intersections, or their lights, until you were right on top of them. It fit my mood to a "T". Gloomy, worried, and unsettled.

I had my blood drawn, joked with the staff, and made my way home.

By 9am it was over.

RE called, himself, again. "Can you talk?", he asked. That's when I knew. The news was not going to be good. My numbers came in today at 74. Yeah. Not good at all. In 4 days, they only rose 10 points.

Definitely not a viable pregnancy.

I'll go back for another draw on Friday. And a scan. We'll try to figure where this pregnancy is. Is it in my only remaining tube? Is it in the uterus, but just not developing right? So many questions, and no answers for any of them.

I feel broken. On many levels.

Show and Tell ~ Angels

This week I was going through some of Miss O.'s drawers, putting away clothes that were too small and finding homes for her new presents. I came across a small organza bag, within the bag is a tiny bracelet with a little silver angel attached to it. My breath caught in my throat, as hot tears welled up in my eyes. Why? Well, we have to go back about 5 years.

My mother passed away from Ovarian cancer when I was 7 months pregnant with Miss O. She had fought a hard fight for almost 5 years, as the cancer ravaged her body. In the months leading up to the baby's birth, I was taking care of the estate. Putting the house up for sale, paying bills, making sure everything was the way she wanted. I was totally on autopilot, until March 7, 2004, when I went into labor.

Fast forward one year. Miss O.'s first birthday. I was back to work and working nights at that time and I remember being really bummed that I had to go to work on her birthday. When the mail came that day, I was surprised to find a large envelope addressed to Miss O. The return address was from an online business, that I had never, even to this day, bought anything from. I opened the envelope and the only thing in it was the bag with the bracelet.

Not a note, not a card, nothing. Just the bracelet.

I called M. and asked him if he ordered it. He said no. I called family and friends, no one claimed that they had sent anything by mail. I was puzzled, but figured someone would let me know they sent it eventually.

Later that day, at work, I logged onto my email. As I looked down my inbox at the new emails, the hair on the back of my neck rose. Sitting in my email was a new email from my mother. I remember being angry at first. How dare someone pull such an awful trick on me? And how many of my relatives and my mom's friends had received it? I replied to the email, it was the kind that are sent out for you from a company, explaining that the email needed to be removed from their database.

Here's the thing though...NO one else, not even my sister has ever received an email from my mom post-mortem. And to this day, I've never had anyone admit to sending the bracelet to Miss O.

I believe now that it was from my mom, and I like to think that an angel made it all happen.

Do you believe in angels?

:::::::::::::::::::

Take a gander at what the rest of the class is showing here.

In Beta Hell

Why can't this be easy???


Had blood drawn this morning. It was crazy, busy at the RE's today. When I arrived at 8am there were 7 women sitting in the waiting room. Because I was just there for blood work, I only waited about 15 minutes.

My phone finally rang at about 10:20 EST.


The RE was on the other end. My heart leaped out of my chest, and my brain immediately started thinking the worst. On Wednesday, the nurse called. If HE'S calling, it can't be good.


The number today 65. It *almost* doubled.

He says it's still a little low, but at least it went up. I agree. Game plan? We'll redraw on Tuesday, give it 4 days, and see what we get. I'm not sure how I feel. I want to remain positive, but I just don't know.


What do I know?

I'm am by NO means reassured. My doctor is not reassured. All we can do is wait.


And pray.

Called The RE...

But not for the reason I thought I would be!

Tuesday morning, I woke up about 5am because I had to pee. I laid there a few minutes, trying to talk myself out of using the bathroom. Finally, my bladder won the fight, and I grabbed a test. Why not? If I'm going to pee anyways, I might as well POAS, right?

The whole thought process was, it'll be negative, and I can call the RE and set up an appointment to talk about future plans. What I didn't expect to see was this...

I was squinting at it for at least 5 minutes. I couldn't believe my eyes! Poor, M. I drug him out of bed saying, "Come look at this and tell me what you see!" He kept rubbing his eyes, but looked down and stated, "I see two lines. Hmm. TWO lines!?!"


So, yeah, I spent the morning trying to decide what to do. Do I call my OB whose not going to see me until 8 weeks, or do I call the RE, who I haven't seen since last May? Ultimately, I called the RE. And I got the answering machine, where I left a crazy message, and gave my husband's cell phone number to call me back. Which then led to me calling back to give MY cell number and feeling like quite the fool.

They are willing to see me, until we know where this is heading. I went in this morning for a beta and I will be redrawn on Friday morning. If everything doubles, and I don't spot the plan is for an ultrasound in 2 weeks.

I'm petrified.

My track record isn't exactly reassuring. The last four times I've conceived, I haven't ended up with a baby. 5 pregnancies, 1 child...not the best odds. So, I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to be positive. Going to the bathroom is nerve wracking, I'm scared I'll see blood. Over the moon, yet scared. You could say I'm cautiously optimistic.

The beta today was 34.

I'm praying that it doubles on Friday.

Daylight Savings Time

I don't know about you, but I was moving rather slow this morning. As much as I enjoy the evening hours of daylight it brings, I have a hard time with it being dark when I get up. My body just doesn't want to get moving. This morning, as my alarm went off, I was rather confused. It was SO dark out, and the alarm sounds at 7am! Of course, the fact that it was rainy and cloudy didn't help, but it was hard to get out of the warm bed to get ready to go to the gym.

But off to the gym I went, to start Week 2 of my Couch to 5K program. When I looked at it last night, I didn't think it looked too bad. This week, it's a 5 minute warm up, followed by 20 minutes of running for 90 seconds and walking for 2 minutes, and completes with a 5 minute cool down. Silly me, but after how great I felt last week, adding another 30 seconds of running show be a breeze, right? Yeah, not so much. Two cycles in and I thought I was going to die! My heart rate was taking forever to come back down while walking, and those 2 minutes went quick. I wanted to quit at least 3 times during those 20 minutes.

Cussing to myself the whole time, I finished the 30 minutes. I refuse to give up. At least for this week ;) I will learn to love running...or die trying.

Show & Tell ~ Birthday Cake

This is what I worked on all day today.

Okay, if I'm being honest, I started Friday night by baking all the layers. Not to mention the practice cake I did last Sunday.

My little girl turned 5 today. Wow. How I have a 5 year old is beyond me!?!

The theme for her party tomorrow is Ariel ~ Under the Sea. Did you know that no commercial bakery does Little Mer.maid anymore? The only princesses to chose are the big three...you know, Cinde.rella, Bel.le, and Sle.eping Beau.ty. And Miss O. was having none of that, it HAD to be Ari.el. No excuses.

So, I set out to make my own cake. Here's what two days of work looks like...

I have a candle in the shape of her favorite princess to place on the top, and need to put a few more sea creatures here and there.

::::::::::::::::::::

See what the rest of the class is showing HERE.

Argh!

I am by NO means a perfect speller, thank goodness for spellcheck, or do I never make mistakes when it comes to grammar. But my job requires me to write, a LOT, and often in a very conversational form.

Yesterday, I fought with a co-worker for over 20 minutes about a line that he was to read during the show. It was a "tease", which is the term we use in television for a line of copy that promotes a story that will air later in the show.

Here's the way it was written:

And, next week, Me and Sarah will visit the five best breweries you may have never heard of. We'll learn all about making beer. That's next week at 5, 6, and 11.

Maybe I'm just being catty, but the grammatical error screamed out at me. I couldn't believe that a man that is almost old enough to be my father, has a least 20 years over me in the business, AND who is paid more that THREE times what I make could find this acceptable!?! Me and Sarah? How about Sarah and I....or Sarah and me, but NOT me and Sarah!

Wow.

Symptom Watch

Hahahahahaha....


Yeah, right. I hate this part of the month. I over analyze EVERY twitch or twinge. Am I nauseous? Am I tired? Are my bre.asts sore, or is it just from actually exercising this week?

Facts: My skin is clearer than it usually is during this time of my cycle. I've been hungry, and nauseous within minutes of each other. Other than that....I've got nothing.


I'm okay with that. With Miss O. I didn't have ONE pregnancy symptom until I hit 8 or 9 weeks. And then I pretty much sailed through the entire pregnancy without too much discomfort. Go ahead, hate me for it. I can't blame you there ;)

And if I'm not?


It will be okay, as well. I'm enjoying this new exercise routine. It's doing wonders for my mental being, if nothing else. The feeling of accomplishment, when I get off the treadmill, is amazing. To be able to push my body, and have it respond the way I want it to, is awesome. Because let's face it, I've spent the last 3 and 1/2 years hating it.

Testing date? March 10th.

Just Do It

Please indulge me as I give myself a pat on the back here....

This morning, I got up at 7am, out of my warm and cozy bed, dressed for the gym, and actually went. This was a MAJOR feat for me. I haven't seen the inside of the Y since January. As I opened the door this morning to leave, I was hit with a blast of frigid air. It was only 11 degrees out. I almost turned around and went back inside.


Once at the gym, I hopped on a treadmill and started Week 1, day 1 of a Couch to 5K program, recommended by her. It wasn't too bad. I walked to warm up for 5 minutes, then alternated 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking. I cycled like that for 20 minutes. I was shocked that I didn't want to give up 5 minutes in, the way I usually feel when I try to run. I finished up with a 5 minute cool down.

All in all, it was a 30 minute workout, my distance was 1.88 miles, and according to my heart rate monitor, I burned 338 calories. Woo-hoo!

Walking to my car to leave, I thought to myself, "I feel good". Not just physically, but mentally as well. I felt happy.

And I'm not sure I could tell you the last time I felt happy in the morning.