Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Like A Pile Of Bricks

Fun little conversation I had this morning at work.

It occurred right after our "morning meeting", which is when we decide who's covering what stories for the day, in the middle of the newsroom. My co-worker, who is aware of our fertility issues, including our losses, stops me and says, "Did I tell you the news?".


I'm sure you know where this is heading, right?

So, the conversation goes something like this...


Photogrl: big breath in..."No, what news?"
Coworker: "My wife and I are expecting #2!"
Photogrl: fakes big smile, "That's great! How far along?"
Coworker: "We think about 5 and 1/2 weeks..."

As soon as he told me his news, I felt that familiar feeling of panic. It's like someone is sitting on
my chest, just squeezing all the air out of my lungs. I could feel my heart begin to race, and had to fight back the tears. All while appearing to be excited about the news.

In the middle of the newsroom.

I'm happy for them. Honestly. They're a great couple and have a darling little one. But, I'm a little ticked about the way he told me.

It made me wonder if I would ever NOT feel the panic.

I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, when it comes to hearing pregnancy announcements. Don't skirt around the issue, but upfront, be honest. I realize that a lot of us who suffer from IF don't feel the same as me. It's one of those things that is very different depending on where you are within your IF journey, and who's giving you the news.

What annoyed me this morning was that I was blind sided by a "friend"...

Someone I thought had a clue about how I feel about that kind of news. I understand he was really excited, and couldn't help himself, but he couldn't have called me at home or at least pulled me aside, privately?

And don't even get me started on the telling the news before the stick even dries...


So, what do you do in these types of situations? How do you want to be told?


  1. I prefer e-mail. That way I don't have to hide my emotions and can take a few to gather my thoughts before responding. It may not be a very personal way, but I have a tendency to burst into tears on the phone at such announcements. And I've missed the news, I'm so sorry to hear about your BIL. They will be in my thoughts and prayers

  2. Fortunately, working at home I don't have those watercooler moments. Most of the time a pregnancy announcement at my workplace is via a conference call. And also fortuately, the deliverer of the news can't see my eye roll when they say "I'm a whole 7 weeks!".

    Seriously, I can give you an example of how I HATED to be told. A close family member of mine told EVERYONE except me. And then I found out from another distant family member. I was treated like I was a fragile nymph. Did they NOT think I would take it better if they were up front with me? Are you kidding me? Boy, I am still pissed about that one....

  3. Oh I would much much prefer e-mail. Or at the very least a phone call (so I can make whatever kind of face I want on the other side).

  4. It's so hard, I agree. I don't want people to avoid me, but a little sensitivity is always appreciated. Phone calls or emails are the best for me right now - but that doesn't always happen :(

  5. dude, last year after my first m/c, a week after my SIL announced she was pg via e-mail. told everyone in the family but me. Then she told me a week later b/c i was going to see her. wtf is that? it was her 3rd child and she just found out. i still believe the only reason she did it was so that she could bitch about early preg. symptoms. fu------ jerk.

    anyway, yeah i prefer e-mail or text, it's so impersonal but i can respond how i want to and it doesnt' have to be right away.

  6. Uhm Hi this is me - you know, the one who is pregnant .. I was told 3 days ago by a good friend that he was POAS 5 days early and would call me in 3 mins after the test was done - It was postive ..Of course, First month trying for #2 and is now planning the #2 sleeping arrangements and explaining to me how she is going to have #1 (will be 2.5 yrs old) and #2 sleeping in the same room by 3 weeks after the baby is born - because baby #2 is going ot sleep through the night starting at 3 weeks old being breastfed from 10 pm - 6 am ... Helllloooo LET THE PEE STICK DRY FIRST!

  7. Sorry you were blindsided by a friend this week. My sister announced to my face that she was pregnant this week. The next morning she asked me if I would tell her news to our other sister...because get this-she doesn't have the time. The day after that she asks me to take her to her six week ultrasound.

    She's been pregnant a whole three days and I'm already sick of it.

  8. It's a sticky situation. I don't necessarily want people walking on eggshells around me, but I would probably be mad if I were the only one left out of the news just because of my IF. I really don't think there is a "right" way to handle it - it's always going to be hard for people dealing with IF and/or loss to hear other people's "great news" without feeling the invisible knife in the heart. Just another side-effect of IF, I suppose.

  9. I prefer emails or a phone call. That way I can react the way I want, privately, at home.

    I do have to say, I'm still not comfortable hearing pregnancy announcements- and I'm pregnant! They still make me sad for some reason.

  10. Thisis hard. Was just told a couple weeks ago by a friend of mine who is preggo and still trying to decide if she should keep it. She is single and not 'really' with the guy and he doesn't want it. Lucky me, I am the only one she has confided in and gets to hear her back and forth decisions. It is SO hard and yes, she does know we are 'thinking' of trying again.

    I don't know a good way to get the news. If it's a good friend, I would rather be told to my face - with some warning that the news might be hard to hear.

    I can't believe your 'friend' told you so early.

  11. Just another example of how even people who are sympathetic don't really understand. I prefer email by a long shot--like everyone said, it gives you time.

    And on the panic front, yup. I'm about 9 weeks pregnant (after two losses and three years of IF) and I heard about someone's pregnancy (5 weeks) and started feeling like the room was closing in. I think it's because for people with IF or loss histories, we're trapped by the fact that even the stick doesn't mean anything...yet. That the recognition that we're pregnant will never be, for us, like it is for people who have never had these problems. That, while cause for celebration, it's also cause for anticipated pain. I'm so sorry you got blindsided.

  12. Men especially don't get it, they just don't! Not that that is an excuse for his behavior but he probably just was NOT thinking.

    There was a pregnancy announcement in my husband's family when I was going through fertility problems (I can't remember if it was before or after I miscarried- I think it was after). I'm not going to go into it on here but let's just say it was BAD and I bawled my eyes out for two days, holing myself away from everyone.

  13. Oh, that's cruddy to get sideswiped out in the newsroom. Not even in private. I'm not sure how I prefer to be told. Certainly I'd prefer to actually be told rather than hear my MIL say to my SIL "Congratulations" at a family lunch and then put 2 + 2 together while my SIL looked guilty at me (they'd tried for 2 months). I'm thinking that privacy and truthfulness is good and that deception or doing it in front of everybody is bad.

    Good luck with the drug taking!!! And I'm sending well wishes to your BIL.


  14. people just do not understand our struggle. my mother called me on mother's day last year-days after a BFN from 5th IUI-to tell me my newlywed cousin was expecting her first and wasn't i excited for them?
    after i blubbered out a "no, i am not" she got upset bc i was jealous!??
    good luck with the IVF, i start gonal-f/repronex for #2 tonight...

  15. It will never leave, I still get nervous when people us ethe I ahve news phrase, and I have two I still get upset.