Friday, July 24, 2009

Pulling Back

When I'm at the gym, I do most of my thinking. It's the only time during the day that I don't have any distractions, and no reason to stop focusing on me. This morning I was thinking about some old friends, friends that I feel are near and dear to me, but I haven't talked to lately.

I have no good reason for that.

As I walked my laps, I started to think about why. Why haven't I called my old co-worker, who I love to talk to? Why haven't I called my BFF from college? When was the last time I talked to them? Was it a time issue, or something deeper?

The closer I get to this cycle, the more I can feel myself pulling back.

I don't want to pick up the phone. I can't bring myself to send an email. Heck, I can't even get myself to send a text message! Basically, if I don't see you in my everyday life, I'm avoiding you. I don't know if avoiding is the right term, because if I ran into any of these friends, I would gladly spend some time catching up.

But the thought of explaining myself and my actions? Exhausting.

Some of it is probably myself being protective. I'm still on the fence on who to tell about the cycle, and who not to tell. In some ways, the less people I have to tell equals less pressure on M. and me, you know? I've always been a people pleaser, since the time I was little. I don't want to disappoint.

At the same time, I thrive on support.

I've never shied away from being open with our journey of IF. I'm always honest about our losses and this struggle. Always willing to talk about my experiences, feeling that if I can help one person not feel lonely in their journey, then I've helped someone.

I don't know what's wrong with me.


So, do you ever feel like you want to just stay in your house and not see the world? Or a least hide from your friends?

What do you do to get over it?


  1. I did feel like this as we geared up for IVF, then again at the diagnosis of triplets. I think some of us do need to process things before we are ready to face the world. I also was open and love support but I only spoke with a few close family and friends about much of it until it was passed. I am hoping you have at least one person besides your hubby you can talk to- it helps tremendously.

    Don't underestimate the stress of IF treatment- it is HUGE! You amazing women were my rock when we were going through IVF and continue to be during my pregnancy. We are SO here for you, too!


  2. I'm not the best person to ask because I'm still not sure how to get over it. I find that when I do share, people retreat because they don't know what to say. I did just want to say that I'm here if you need someone to lend an ear. Big hugs

  3. I wish I knew. I'm still hiding myself!

    It's crazy to be so out in the open here, on the internet... but dreadfully withdrawn about everything on the outside.

    My post from a few days ago, in which I lamented about the state of my IRL relationships are no joke. I have a huge problem with failure (because I usually don't fail). For me, it's about looking someone in the eye and feeling like I don't measure up, kwim?

    And let's face it, family and friends and the little lady asking you WHY you don't have another child? They often don't "get it", and it is exhausting to manage that.

    At least we have each other.

  4. I've done this on and off for most of my cycles. For me, it's managing the energy that I put into a cycle. It's so damn hard to talk about a cycle to people and manage the way THEY support me on this - "you should really relax!" - and not take what they say as hurtful because I know they want the best for me.

    Et cetera.

    So pulling back? It's a way of building up my emotional reserves to get through the physical and mental crap of a cycle.

    At least, that was my experience. I would have periods of catch up once I worked through the emotion of a negative, but for the most part, by the end, there were many people I just couldn't manage to "catch up" with.


  5. I've found myself doing this, even though I'm pregnant. Its almost like I don't want people to know what's really going on. Like you, I've never really been shy about sharing my losses because I feel like its important to let other's now that its okay to talk about.

    However, I have this huge fear that something's going to be wrong with this baby or this pregnancy and I hate telling people that. They don't really want to hear that. They want to know if I have a gender guess. I'm not focusing on the gender during the u/s. I'm focusing on all of the stuff that they are trying to "check".

    Anyway, to answer your question, I pull away sometimes, too.

  6. OMG yes yes yes I do. I just have to force myself to do it. sometimes it is not easy but when I do I am always happy at the outcome!

  7. It's so tough. It does sound like you need some support. I didn't talk to a lot of people-well IRL-during my cycle. Maybe I should have?
    Well, I am here for ya'

  8. I always retreat into myself & away from everyone else during an IVF. Its so difficult without having everyone asking constantly what's happening.
    All the best!

  9. I always felt very inside myself while going through treatment the outside world was just to overwhelming for me. I am praying for your upcoming cycle and it is OK to concentrate on just you.

  10. Returning your ICLW comment...

    Sometimes I seek others out to help me, sometimes to help them, sometimes just for fun, and sometimes out of obligation. At a time like this, if an interaction isn't going to help you right now, it can be hard to muster enough energy. A lot of things are exhausting during a cycle that aren't normally.

    It will get better.

  11. There's nothing wrong with you! My BFF is now TTC and I find myself not calling and avoiding b/c I'm afraid she is going get preggo before me.

    If you get some great advice on how to get over it, let me know! In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you.


  12. Sorry for your losses honey! Good luck with the upcoming IVF.

    As far as your question goes... yes I can relate to you. Just an hour back one of my friends caught me online and asked why I haven't returned calls (for a group of friends)... I had no answer to give her! I just don't feel like speaking with my "dear" friends (specially the ones who don't know about our IF journey)... I am just lost in my own worlds... and am not willing to hear other folks woes (of course outside of the IF world) at this point of time. I am completely suviving off of my DH, blogosphere, and a handful of friends!

  13. I've been doing a lot of pulling back lately. None of my IRL friends know about my fertility difficulties (well, there may be one or two who read my blog, but they don't read it regularly, so they likely don't know about my latest adventures in reproductive technologies...). I just don't talk about it with anyone, really. I had a really rough break-up with my former BFF, so I think I've become hesitant to let myself be too close to anyone because I don't want to deal with that again. I just really have very high standards now for my friends, and I don't want to share personal stuff with people who might not get it. And I don't want to share personal stuff with people who might later use it to hurt me. And I don't want to have to explain to my largely childless friends why it is so important to have a child that I'm willing to go to a doctor to find out how to do so.

    So yeah. I get it. I totally do.

  14. Yeah I totally agree....I am very withdrawn at times because I feel I'm protecting myself. I just can't expose myself to chit chat with people who are blissfully TTC'ing for the first time ever...their optimism just digs at me and every 2nd person in my world either has a newborn, is PG or TTC!

  15. i just saw your blog and completely understand how you feel. thankfully my son's needs forces me to leave home and visit with friends...good luck with your first IVF. i'm in a TWW from IVF cycle and hoping to give me little uy a sibling too!