Ready For The Weekend

It has been quite the week.

Work was awful. Every day. Computer meltdowns didn't help the matter. Let's just say I was VERY happy to walk out the door today, knowing I don't have to return until Monday.

So much I want to write about, but my mind just wants me to purge it all at once. I think a bulleted post is the answer, so bear with me.

• I really appreciated the support from my last 2 posts. After reading all your comments, I actually called up a girlfriend on Saturday and had a wonderful, enjoyable afternoon/evening catching up with her.
• Completed my first week with a personal trainer. I met with her on Mon. and Wed. Worked out on my own the rest of the week. I'm sore, but feel proud.
• My little sister's husband had a CT scan last week. Monday brought more bad news, as it showed spot(s)! on his lungs. A biopsy was scheduled for later in the week.
• Work sucks. Big time.
• Disappointing weigh in this week. I really expected a loss. Instead I gained .8 pounds.
• Nothing like finding out that your schedule is moving in a big meeting that starts with, "Well, I wanted to let you all know, but, this won't affect anyone but Photogrl..." WTH?
• Cried a lot.
• BIL biopsy cancelled because of where the spots are located. I'm really starting to worry for both of them.
• Went out to dinner with a friend after my weigh in last night, had smothered chicken with cauliflower Au gratin. Easily the best part of my week.
• Miss O. somehow managed to get a comb stuck in her hair. I thought I was going to have to cut it out. When I asked what she was doing to have this happen, she responded innocently, " I was just pretending it was a curling iron." How do you get mad at that?
• I think AF might be knocking at the door...
• Did I mention how bad my work week was?

I'm very happy it's the weekend. I have a cake in the oven, that I'm making for my little cousin, who just turned 19. She requested an octopus cake!?! Hope I can pull it off.

Otherwise, I look forward to catching up with all of you!

On Hold

I'm in a holding pattern for this upcoming IVF cycle.

Again.

It appears that M. will have to travel right during the estimated window for our egg retrieval and transfer. He can't get out of it, and I sure can't do this without him.

I've been crying since Friday night.

We're now looking at starting Lupron at the end of September. My mind knows that it's only a month and for goodness sakes we've been waiting for #2 for almost 4 years, what's another month in the grand scheme of things?

But my heart?

It doesn't want to wait. And it won't listen to my mind rationalizing how this is okay. I'll have more time to lose a little more weight. More time to cut out caffeine and alcohol. More time to prepare.

Patience is not a strong suit of mine.

Pulling Back

When I'm at the gym, I do most of my thinking. It's the only time during the day that I don't have any distractions, and no reason to stop focusing on me. This morning I was thinking about some old friends, friends that I feel are near and dear to me, but I haven't talked to lately.


I have no good reason for that.

As I walked my laps, I started to think about why. Why haven't I called my old co-worker, who I love to talk to? Why haven't I called my BFF from college? When was the last time I talked to them? Was it a time issue, or something deeper?


The closer I get to this cycle, the more I can feel myself pulling back.

I don't want to pick up the phone. I can't bring myself to send an email. Heck, I can't even get myself to send a text message! Basically, if I don't see you in my everyday life, I'm avoiding you. I don't know if avoiding is the right term, because if I ran into any of these friends, I would gladly spend some time catching up.


But the thought of explaining myself and my actions? Exhausting.

Some of it is probably myself being protective. I'm still on the fence on who to tell about the cycle, and who not to tell. In some ways, the less people I have to tell equals less pressure on M. and me, you know? I've always been a people pleaser, since the time I was little. I don't want to disappoint.


At the same time, I thrive on support.

I've never shied away from being open with our journey of IF. I'm always honest about our losses and this struggle. Always willing to talk about my experiences, feeling that if I can help one person not feel lonely in their journey, then I've helped someone.


I don't know what's wrong with me.

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So, do you ever feel like you want to just stay in your house and not see the world? Or a least hide from your friends?

What do you do to get over it?

July ICLW

Welcome to "Not The Path I Chose"!


Here's a little background, if this is your first time stopping by...

I'm Photogrl. M. is my husband, and we have a five year old, Miss O. We've been struggling to conceive #2 since September 2005. Along this path, I've been pregnant 5 times, but all have ended in some sort of loss, including an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured my left tube.


We're currently gearing up for "Operation: Give Miss O. A Sibling"!

I'm currently waiting on Aunt Flo, and will be starting my first IVF cycle sometime in August. We are very excited, scared, and a little overwhelmed. I've been working on losing some weight and preparing my body for this cycle since our last loss in April. So far, I've lost 16 pounds and try to work out at least 3 times a week.


So, pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable, and take a look around.

Patiently Waiting

Yeah, right.

The last 5 days have been tough, although fun. I've been trying to affectionately call it, "girl time".

M. unexpectedly had to go out of town for work last Wednesday. He found out on Tuesday afternoon. Not much time to prepare. We quickly packed him up Tuesday night, after calling our childcare to change Miss O.'s schedule for the rest of the week. M. has gone out of town before, but usually with a lot of notice and never for more than 3 days.

Boy, am I ready for him to come home.

Miss O. and I are hanging out, and we've done some fun things over the last few days. I won't lie, though, I'm exhausted. Between working all day, entertaining Miss O. in the evenings, cooking, cleaning, and keeping the house running, I'm asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

We're both hoping that this trip ends up being fruitful.

There is an opportunity for M. to receive a big promotion. Big enough that I could possibly stop working full time OR working at all. Considering the company I work for just filed bankruptcy this week, the timing could not be better.

Fingers crossed.

Soon, Grasshopper, Soon

Today was one of those hectic mornings.

I woke up late, but somehow thought that I could still get everything I need done before dropping Miss O. off and getting myself to work. Silly me, I still worked out, showered, got Miss O. up, and put together a meatloaf for dinner. As I threw the meatloaf in the fridge, I glanced at the clock and realized that I should have left the house 10 minutes ago.

Alright. Time to run.

After dropping Miss O. off, I hopped back into the car and looked down at the dash. Crap. The gas light is on, and I have no idea how long it's been on for. I do not have time to stop, but I've got no choice.

Off to the gas station.

As I'm pulling away from the pump, I look over at my driver's side mirror. A small, light green grass hopper is walking along the top of the mirror. I wonder how long it will be able to hang on as I start driving down the street. The grass hopper has now stopped in the middle and is hanging on with four of his (or her) legs, his head is looking forward, peering over the mirror at the road ahead. His two front legs are flailing in the wind, and I can imagine him thinking, "Oh my, what have I gotten myself into!"

Now, that's something I can relate to.

As excited as I am for this upcoming cycle, I'm starting to feel a little out of control. My mind is starting to form doubts, big doubts, about whether I'm making the right decision. Should we really be doing this? I've started to feel like the grass hopper, as everything is starting to go into motion, like I'm just hanging on for dear life, and wondering what I am doing.

Surprisingly, the grass hopper never flew off my mirror. I pulled into a parking spot at work and there he was, still hanging out on the mirror. Walking into work, my mind vaguely remembered the scene in "Mulan", a Disney film, where Mulan was being prepped to meet the matchmaker. I thought that I remembered the grass hopper was given to her for luck.

After a little go.ogling, I found what I was looking for about the grass hopper:

As a Chinese symbol, the grass hopper offers attributes of longevity, happiness, good health, good luck, wealth, abundance, fertility and virtue. In fact, grasshoppers were thought to be fertility symbols; specifically omens of the birth of a son (hence, another reason for its good luck symbol status as sons are considered prized gems within the setting of the family).

Hmmm, didn't know it was a symbol for fertility.

I looked for the grass hopper when I left work, and I'll admit I was a little disappointed when I didn't see it. On the way home M. called me, and we started to talk about his day. As I pulled into the driveway, something caught my eye on my driver's side mirror again. Something light green. The grass hopper was back.

I sure hope that's a sign!

Catching Up

Monday always comes too quick.

Especially after returning from vacation. The weekend was spent doing all the things you need to do after coming home, unpacking, laundry, grocery shopping. I tried to be relaxed about it, and tried not to feel overwhelmed. Overall, I didn't do too bad. Miss O. had swim lessons on Saturday morning, and we spent the afternoon unpacking and catching up on housework.

That left some time for fun on Sunday.

Our friends received a pop-up camper recently as a gift, and have been camping with their two boys quite a bit. They keep inviting us out with them, but M. and I aren't really sure how our girly-girl would do camping. Yesterday, they called and said they were only camping about a 1/2 hour down the road, and why don't we come on out to visit. So, we packed up a couple of coolers with goodies and headed out. It was really nice to hang out by the campfire, and Miss O. had a blast playing with the boys.

Oddly, the conversation around the campfire turned to our upcoming IVF cycle.

This couple is one of the few of our friends that even know that we are considering this route. There were some jokes related to J&K+8, but mostly, they asked genuine, honest questions. I was really surprised at how many times M. started answering before I could. I didn't realize how much he had listened to me!

It was a great evening that came to an end much to quickly. M. and I were shocked at how much fun Miss O. had. She didn't complain once about the bugs, getting dirty, and loved having s'mores.

I'm pretty sure I see a tent in our future.

3,470 Miles

That's how many miles I've traveled by CAR over the last five days.

3,470 miles.

Two family visits, a wedding, and almost meeting for coffee with one of my favorite bloggers, I'm home.

For 5 days I lived without the Internet, if you don't count me using M.'s blackberry to check email, and survived. Miss O. really traveled well and it was a great time.

BUT my number of unread blogs in my reader proves it.

I have plenty to tell you all, and plenty to catch up on.

My goal for the next two evenings is to try and catch up on the blogs I read, and maybe even craft a post or two of my own.

I've felt so lost!

In the meantime, if anything good, bad, or otherwise important has happened in your life, make sure to leave me a comment, and I'll check on you first.

Like A Pile Of Bricks

Fun little conversation I had this morning at work.


It occurred right after our "morning meeting", which is when we decide who's covering what stories for the day, in the middle of the newsroom. My co-worker, who is aware of our fertility issues, including our losses, stops me and says, "Did I tell you the news?".

Crap.


I'm sure you know where this is heading, right?

So, the conversation goes something like this...

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Photogrl: big breath in..."No, what news?"
Coworker: "My wife and I are expecting #2!"
Photogrl: fakes big smile, "That's great! How far along?"
Coworker: "We think about 5 and 1/2 weeks..."

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Seriously?


As soon as he told me his news, I felt that familiar feeling of panic. It's like someone is sitting on
my chest, just squeezing all the air out of my lungs. I could feel my heart begin to race, and had to fight back the tears. All while appearing to be excited about the news.


In the middle of the newsroom.

I'm happy for them. Honestly. They're a great couple and have a darling little one. But, I'm a little ticked about the way he told me.


It made me wonder if I would ever NOT feel the panic.

I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, when it comes to hearing pregnancy announcements. Don't skirt around the issue, but upfront, be honest. I realize that a lot of us who suffer from IF don't feel the same as me. It's one of those things that is very different depending on where you are within your IF journey, and who's giving you the news.


What annoyed me this morning was that I was blind sided by a "friend"...

Someone I thought had a clue about how I feel about that kind of news. I understand he was really excited, and couldn't help himself, but he couldn't have called me at home or at least pulled me aside, privately?


And don't even get me started on the telling the news before the stick even dries...

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So, what do you do in these types of situations? How do you want to be told?