Big Box

Last Thursday morning, I paced my living room anxiously, praying that Fed Ex would bring my delivery before 9:30, so I could still get to work on time. I kept walking back and forth, looking out the window, hoping to see the big white truck stop out front. The pharmacy had promised me the box would come by 10 am.

The problem?

I have to be at work by 10, and I really didn't want to have to explain that I was late because I was waiting on a big box of fertility medication. That would raise a few eyebrows.


Twenty-five minutes after 9, my wish was granted. The white truck pulled up, the delivery woman jumped out, and brought the big box to my front door. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm pretty sure I jumped up and down and let out a squeal!

Here's what the box looked like...

I quickly opened it, to get the folli.stim out and into my refrigerator.

Inside, I found two envelopes and a small cooler.

After safely placing my folli.stim in the fridge, I ran out the door and got to work on time.

No one was the wiser.

Later, that evening, M. And I spent some time going through the package and marking off items. I wanted to make sure everything that was ordered was there, and explain some of it to M.

Once it was all laid out, it took up three quarters of my coffee table!

We are ready to roll here at Not The Path I Chose.

Out Of The Mouths Of Husbands...

M. And I were sitting on the couch the other night.


Out of the blue, he looked over at me and said, "I was just thinking. How weird is it that in the other room we have a vial of the drug that Manny Ramirez* used that led to his 50 game suspension."

Only M., an avid baseball fan, would make the connection.

:::::::::::::::::::::

*Ramirez is accused of testing positive for hCG, which is typically used by steroid users to restart their bodies' natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle.

Rambling Thoughts...

This is one of those posts where I have a lot to say, but don't know how to organize it, or the time...sorry!

• First and foremost, thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, suggestions about my BIL's diagnosis and my feelings regarding it. I just love you all!
• Only working 3 days this week was 3 days too many.
• Can't wait to share my pics from out west.
• The BIG box of meds came yesterday. WOW! To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement.
• $4,700 of medicine, thank goodness for insurance coverage. I paid just under $200 out of pocket.
• I was thisclose to losing 15 pounds in 10 weeks, yet it only took 1 week to gain 4.2 pounds.
• Hot & humid weather is less than desirable.
• Unpacking suitcases is not nearly as fun as packing them
• August seems forever away
• I'm finally caught up on my go.ogle re.ader, all 250 posts read!
• Ice cream sounds good.
• Jon & Kate + 8 just makes me sad.
• A week from today, we're heading south, to Georgia, for another wedding.
• Wonder if AF will be late, now that I want her to come on time?
• Laundry, laundry, laundry.

And The Hits...

...they just keep coming.

I'm in shock.

Angry.

Shamed.

Scared.

Sad.

Furious.

All at the same time.

This time, it isn't about me. It's my little sister.

My only sis, who hasn't even been married a year. My sister, who came to me with worries of infertility. And I shrugged her off, telling her that she was young, that it wouldn't be a problem for them. Even worse, I was ticked. I was convinced, in my mind, that she would be pregnant before I could conceive and carry another child. I told her not to worry, that at her age, no doc would look at them until they were trying for a year.

I feel horrible for so much that I didn't say, but thought over the last few months. I'm so ashamed.

About two months ago, she mentioned that her husband had finally given a sample to be tested.

The sperm sample came back low. Really low. Like almost a zero count.

They waited a month. Consulted with my RE, Dr. Hope. I'm not proud of myself, but I was not happy that they were seeing my RE. Selfishly, I felt like she was encroaching on my territory. I told her not to worry, the next sample would be better. I tried to keep hope alive.

Another sample was given. Still a zero count.

They were shuffled off to a urologist recommended by my RE. More blood work, an ultrasound. Last week, her husband underwent multiple biopsies to see if there were usable sperm in his tissue.

Today they had their follow up appointment.

She called me just as I was leaving work today and asked if I could come over to his parents house. I could tell something was wrong, but I never could have imagined what. I was actually a little short with her on the phone. I don't like to not know what I'm walking into, and I selfishly thought that she wanted me to come and explain some things about IVF. To his parents. I was so wrong.

He has tes.tic.ular can.cer.

Life is not fair.

Back In The Saddle

I'm back!

Vacation was very relaxing, minus traveling, and well needed.


I'm going to work on catching you all up on my life, over the next few days, including the IVF consult, the anger incident, vacation, and other exciting things. I promise!

Now, I'm off to catch up on all of you...and ICLW.

Westbound

Heading west...

To Denver.

Just Frayed

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

This was supposed to be a great week. Starting with my IVF consult and ending with vacation...

I had the IVF consult. (Went really well, I promise to post about it soon!)

I'm still leaving for vacation on Saturday.

It's all the stuff in between that has rocked my world.

To the core.

I've been so mad, and so full of fury that I couldn't even sit down to type. Have you ever been so angry that you shake? It's only happened to be a couple of times in life, but I'm still shaking and it's Thursday.

The incident occurred on Monday.

I'm being vague, but only because I don't know exactly how to put what happened into words.

It will come out, but I'm not sure how.

I'm just so angry and hurt.

Fun With Cake

Here's a pictorial of what has kept me away the last couple of days...

The beginning of some rather large cups...

A very large sheet cake. Half chocolate, half vanilla, filled with dark chocolate buttercream. Iced with buttercream.

Almost there...

A look at the side, the stars are fondant.

The completed cake!

Getting The Ball Rolling

It's official.

M. And I are set for our "official" IVF consult.

This coming Monday, we will spend a couple of hours with Dr. Hope and his staff. On the agenda? Signing papers, learning what our protocol will be, where to order our meds, and of course, injections.

Injections are what I'm looking forward to most of all.

Sick, no?

Let me clarify, I'm NOT looking forward to being on the receiving end of the injections. Our lesson on Monday will include how to mix the meds and properly give the injections. This is the part I find interesting, the fact that I will be taught how to do this. (My original career path choice was Pre-med, until organic chemistry came along in college.) And, I want to see how M. does during training, before I let him anywhere near me with a needle.

Excited, scared, hopeful, sick to my stomach, anxious...such a range of emotions that are going through me.

It's all becoming real.

It's Been A Year

Last year, on this day, I started this blog.

Wow.

A year. So much has happened, and yet so little at the same time.

I had just had a 3rd IUI cancelled due to my overachieving left ovary. M. and I decided to take a break from the RE and treatment. I started acupuncture. Surely, I would fall pregnant. After all, I don't have problem conceiving, just staying pregnant.

Month after month went by, negative after negative. I quit acupuncture. The holidays came and went. More negatives. I stopped temping.

Finally, in March, I got those elusive two pink lines.

Shocked, doesn't even begin to explain my feelings as I stared at that test. And then as quickly as the joy came, my world crashed again. But this time, as I suffered my 5th loss, it was different.

I had you.

You who supported me in those 3 weeks of every other day betas, my musings on whether to take the met.hotrexate or not, you who just stopped by to say sorry. You who listened to me complain about feeling pregnant, my face breaking out, and bleeding. You offered thoughts, experiences, and even some laughter.

There are not enough words to even start to thank you. Please, just know, that no comment goes unnoticed.

Thank you.

Weighty Issues

Weight.

It is my nemesis.

Growing up I was extremely active. I swam competitively from the age of 5 until my sophomore year in college. I also played softball and soccer, you know, a three sports a year athlete. Looking back, I was very fit. But at the time, I always thought I could stand to lose 20 pounds.

What I wouldn't give to be the size I was in high school...

Reality is I've tried every diet in the book. Cabbage soup, weight watchers, Atkins, Slim Fast, South Beach, you name it, I've probably tried it. I lose some weight, I gain it and then some back. I'm a classic yo-yo dieter.

When we conceived Miss O. I was almost 20 pounds heavier than I am now, and gained at least 50 pounds during my pregnancy. I'm not even sure how much I actually weighed when I delivered, because a month out from my due date, I stopped looking at the scale at my appointments. After her, I lost the baby weight pretty quick (thank you, breastfeeding!) but then I stopped BF, but I didn't stop eating like I was BFing. Before I knew it I was almost as heavy as when I gave birth. After 8 months of counting points and learning to exercise, I was 70 lighter by the time Miss O. was almost 3 years old.

I felt good. I felt healthy. I was ready to have another baby.

That fall I got pregnant.

It wasn't meant to be. I gained about 15 pounds back after the first ectopic. Almost another year went by and we conceived again. Another loss. Another 10 pounds. A few months later, yet another loss. Add another 5 pounds. I've been trying to get these 30 pounds back off my frame for almost 2 years now. I lose 5, maybe 10 if I'm lucky, but as quick as I lose it, it comes back.

This last pregnancy brought with it 12 pounds. And a number on the scale I haven't seen since I conceived Miss O.

I decided that enough was enough.

If M. and I are going to take the plunge and do an IVF cycle, I need to give it the best shot to succeed. In April, even before I was officially "un"pregnant, but we knew we weren't bringing a baby home I walked into a Weight Watchers center. I figured that we aren't able to cycle for at least 2 months because of the methotrexate I had to receive, so why not try to get some weight off?

Tonight was my 8th weigh in.

I hit my 5% goal and have lost 13.2 pounds so far. I have a LONG way to go, but something is clicking this time. I have lost some weight every week. My clothes are fitting much better. I'm amazed. And M. is calling me "biggest loser"...which I think is sweet.

No matter what the outcome in August, at least I'll know I tried to prepare my body.

Facebook Foes

I put up some pathetic status last night...something like, "So tired...."

My SIL, from this post, or this post, replies today with, "I bet I'm more tired!"

*snarl*

I'd give my right arm to be that tired again.

Day At the Hospital

It's been a long day.

M. and I got up at 6am, to get ourselves and Miss O. ready to leave the house by 7. M. has been struggling with his right knee locking up and aching for the last two months. A couple of weeks ago, a MRI revealed a tear in the knee, so surgery was determined to be needed.

I was worried about how Miss O. would be waiting during the time we would be spending at the hospital...but I didn't really have an option. Last night, I had her pack up her little princess backpack with anything she wanted to take, and I made sure to charge our Nintendo DS. She chose a couple "My Little Pony's", an etch a sketch, pencils, and a Dora work book.

M. was taken back to surgery around 9 and Miss O. and I headed down to the waiting room. I couldn't have asked for Miss O. to behave any better than she did. She sat quietly with me, played the DS for a little bit, worked at writing some words, and played with her toys. She didn't run around, and wasn't noisy at all. Amazing. For over 2 hours she barely made a peep.

We met back up with M. after he was released from recovery, and headed back up to the same day floor. There, we spent about another 2 hours, until he was released. The surgery went really well, and M. is resting comfortably.

I have to head back to work tomorrow, but I know that Miss O. will be Daddy's little helper.

I am so blessed and proud of my little girl.