A Few Thoughts

This post is probably going to be pretty messy and unorganized...

That's what happens when I spend more than one day away from the computer. I'm surprised at how quickly I'm becoming attached to blogging and staying up to date with other blogs. Who would have thought!?!

So, I'm just going to dive on in.

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First of all...thank all of you who commented on my last post!

I feel much better now that I have acknowledged those feelings. Just writing them down and seeing them in print helped.

Plus, it never hurts to get an "Aye, aye", if you know what I mean! Seriously, though, I'm going to try out your suggestions.

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I spent the weekend finishing up stuff for my friend's wedding. The card box is done...and I was really happy with how it turned out. Took some pictures of it and I'll share once I get the pics off my camera!

She and her husband to be came over to my house yesterday and we made her favors. Chocolate covered pretzels, four HUNDRED of them, with red, orange and green striping. They turned out great, but my feet hurt. Four hours of standing on my kitchen floor, which is tile, did not help.

While we were dipping pretzels, my girlfriend kept saying, "You could do this for a living." Hmm...I don't know about that.

Then we ate Chinese for dinner. I LOVE fortune cookies, but I never seem to get a good one. My fortunes are always something stupid like, "Behind every able man, there are other able men." No kidding. But yesterday, my first cookie said:

"Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it."

We laughed, and joked that maybe I should try my hand at my own crafty business. Then I opened another cookie and really laughed. Here's my second cookie's fortune:

"Listen these next few days to our friends to get answers you seek."

The wedding is Saturday, and we'll see if the card box and favors are a hit.

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I only failed at one day of ICLW this month. Quite the improvement from last month!

My list for September 26th and 27th...

Baby Smiling In The Back Seat
Life after Infertility and Loss
Sticky Feet
Conceive This
In Due Time
The Not So Secret Life Of Us
Crazy Lady Ramblings
The Idle Mind of Beth
Helping Make Sense
The New Life of Nancy

A Confession

***Disclaimer: I feel the need to purge a little. My soul that is.
I'm not proud of what I'm going to write, but I feel the need to get it out of me. Judge if you must, but I'm just being honest.

My little sister, my only sister was married in August.

She has made it clear to many members of the family that they will begin to try and have a baby ASAP. She, until yesterday, did not open up to me about this. Obviously, she knows about my pregnancy losses and the trouble we've had conceiving. I understand that this is probably why she has shied away from the subject with me. That hurts.

But what hurts more is my own selfishness.

I want to be pregnant with my second before her.

That is so wrong of me. I am very, very, very blessed to have my angel, Miss O. I would never, ever wish IF on someone. Yet, inside my head, in a little corner of my brain, I hear *that* voice. You know, the voice that screams, "No, not before me!" or "Why them and not me?"

I am so ashamed.

But I don't know what to do. This is how I feel. Any suggestions?

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ICLW for September 25th:

Just Me
Get Pregnant
Who Shot My Stork?
The Baby Dust Diaries
Communique

And I returned to The Fertile Infertile

More Wedding Stuff...

That's what $70.00 will get you at the craft store these days.

My BFF from college is getting married the first weekend of October. What you see is ribbon, paint, and boxes to make a cardbox. Chocolate, bags, tags, and bottles that will be used to make chocolate dipped pretzels. Four hundred of them...again.

Didn't I already do this this summer? Ha ha, it's my own fault.

And don't tell anyone, but I enjoy it!

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ICLW for September 24:

Jenn's Journal
The Saga of Becoming Fruitful
What I did for Love
From Such Great Heights
Maybe I will have a glass

And I returned a comment to Cupcakes & Conundrums

MOPS Night

Tonight was my first ever "night" MOPS meeting. MOPS = Mothers Of PreSchoolers.

I've enjoyed the fellowship of MOPS for the last four years...but I've always been a "morning only" mom. I've never been able to attend a night meeting. This might be last year to attend MOPS, as I have no little ones on the horizon at this time. Once Miss O. hits kindergarten, they'll kick me out.

The things I love about MOPS are simple. Coffee, food, and company. Women who get it, who understand how I feel when I can't even go to the bathroom alone. Answers for my stupid questions, like how to potty train, get rid of the Binky, and even how to pick a preschool. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful this group was to me and M. when I suffered my ectopic pregnancy. I never feel alone at these meetings, even when I don't know anyone.

We all have a common thread tying us together...and we're all a little crazy because of it! ;)

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ICLW for September 23:

Mom Of 2 Dancers
I Believe In Miracles
In Search of Biscuit 2.0
To Baby And Beyond
Between the Lines

And I returned a comment to What Am I?

Admitting To Blogging

I've been wanting to create a custom header for my blog. I thought I could do it myself. After spending about 20 minutes fooling around with it, all I had was a blue rectangle. Hmm. Defeat was imminent.

So, M. is a whiz at Photoshop.

But, by admitting defeat, I had to owe up to the blog. Surprisingly, he didn't laugh too hard. And made me a pretty cool header, too.

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My ICLW list for September 22nd:

Isn't it pretty to think so...
The Binky Diaries
Teal Designs
Dreaming of a baby
It is Tuesday, right?

And I returned a comment to Creating New Life: Not As Easy As It Seems

Winding Down The Weekend

Welcome ICLW visitors...and anyone else stopping by!

I'm excited that I remembered that ICLW starts today. I'm going to try and redeem myself from last month's pathetic attempt at it. To try and keep myself organized, I'm going to post what blogs I visited and commented on...we'll see how it goes!

Want to know about ICLW? Click here.

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It's Sunday.

Already.

How? Why does the weekend seem to fly by, while the work week drags on?

Oh, well. It wasn't like I didn't do anything this weekend. Friday brought the impromptu porch party. Saturday was a college friend's bachelorette party. Today, Sunday, M. and I took Miss O. to an apple fest at a local orchard.

All and all a pretty good weekend. Lots of good times, good food, and good friends.

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I wanted to participate in Show and Tell this week. Really, I did.

But EVERY time I tried to upload a picture from Go.ogle's Pic.as.so into blogger, I was kicked off-line.

Any suggestions?

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And now, September 21st's ICLW list of mine...

Fertilized
My Hope My Faith My Love
It's Not The End Of The World...
Peachy
I Just Can't Keep My Mouth Shut

A Little TV Talk...

This week at work has been crazy.

On Tuesday, McCain & Palin were both in town. That meant numerous live shots* and wall to wall coverage. Wednesday brought Good Morning America, McCain and Brad Paisley. And Thursday brought Joe Biden. Again, live shots galore and big changes to my show. A year ago, I would have been out in the field, dealing with the crowds. Not anymore. I'm inside the newsroom frantically planning a hour long newscast that 9 chances out of 10 is NOT going to happen the way I want it to. I suppose that's why they call it live TV.

Thursday was really bad. Joe Biden speaking in town would be the lead**, that was a no-brainer. But, a large industrial fire came across the scanners. Hazardous waste was involved and dangerous fumes meant evacuations. If that wasn't enough, a important court case that we had been following for two weeks, went to the jury around 1pm. At 4pm, I had a very packed show. All kinds of live elements, two live interviews and I was excited.

At 4:37pm everything started to crumble.

First --the jury came back with a verdict in that court case. Not only did I lose the story that a reporter had prepared, I lost the reporter appearing in my show. Then, our reporter on the live could not hear the anchors in the studio. So, the anchors could not ask the reporter any questions. Oh, and don't forget that the fire prevented another reporter from doing their original story. Fifty-five minutes later, I was no longer excited. I was beat. And disappointed.

By the time Friday rolled around, everyone in the newsroom looked a little worse for wear this week.

So, I decided to have a "Porch Party".

My house has a large porch, which fits about 12 to 15 people comfortably. The weather last night was perfect...upper 60's and clear. I bought some beer, some cheese, some chips. That's really all you need for an impromptu party. After washing down the table and railings on the porch, I set out a bunch of candles. It actually looked like I had planned this out. Friends and co-workers floated in. It was just nice to kick back, have a drink, and talk about the crazy week. And to catch our breath.

Rumor has it, Obama will be in town next week.

*sigh*

How many days until the election?


*A "live shot" is TV slang for microwave or satellite signal. Basically, the reporter and photographer take a microwave truck (we don't have SAT trucks in my market) to wherever news is happening. They put a mast up into the air from the truck and "beam" back the signal.

**A "lead" in TV news is the first story you see on your newscast.

Cycle Day 1

Cycle day one is a day of mixed emotions for me.

I always feel so defeated on cycle day 1, yet I never feel like crying. I'm angry, but at the same time I find myself looking towards hope. Hope that this new cycle will end the way I want it to.

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M. and I had a LONG discussion on what to do now.

Since changing shifts, I can't seem to find a way to attend my acupuncture appointments. She's only in my town 2 days a week, and only from 12:30p to 6pm. I'm working now from 10-6, so our schedules do not jive at all. And she wants me to continue temping.

I'm tired of temping.

M. is tired of me temping. He thinks it causes me undue stress. It probably doesn't help that when I'm temping & charting I over analyze EVERYTHING. Plus, I tend to have beautiful charts that always end the same stinking way. In a BFN. And every month, M. hears me say how she thinks I'm definitely pregnant, due to my chart. Ugh.

So, I think I fired her yesterday via email. Call me a coward if you must, but I didn't know how to call her up and say, "Yeah, I'm not going to see you anymore. Plus my hubby thinks you're a fraud."

Our new plan is to go on a break. You know, try to have a baby the old fashioned way. It probably won't work, but quite frankly, I'm tired of temping, of ovulation predictor kits, and timed s.ex. I want a break.

I need a break.

If nothing happens by March 2009, we'll head back to the RE, and probably get ready to take on IVF.

Negative.

14 DPO.

Temp plummeted today.

Tested anyways, because I still felt the urge to pee on something. Lovely what all this TTC will do to you, isn't it?

BFN.

Still no period.

13 DPO

...and I don't feel like anything is going to happen.

No Tears Shed

The first day went well.

She didn't cry. Amazingly, I didn't either.

As M. and I were standing with her in the hall, waiting for the teacher to open the door I started to feel a little panic rising up. All the other kids and their parents were there, milling about. I wasn't prepared to feel judged. (Honestly, I'm sure I wasn't being judged, but the little voices in the back of my mind tend to over exaggerate) Many of the parents had little siblings with them. My mind kept thinking, "She's an only child. How will she relate to these kids!?!" I realized in that tiny hall that SO much is out of my control now. I won't be there to see how she interacts, to help her if she's scared, to pick her up if she falls down. It's out of my hands.

M. took me out to my favorite Italian restaurant for lunch after we dropped Miss O. off. I had a delicious eggplant parm, and a glass of wine. I will admit, it was nice to eat a meal without trying to entertain a little one at the same time.

When we picked her up, she said, "I had a good day."

A New Chapter

I spent all afternoon shopping for an outfit for Miss O. I also looked for one yesterday. Who knew that finding a "First Day of School" outfit would be so hard!?!

My baby is going to preschool tomorrow.

How can that be? I don't know how she can be old enough to go to school. Granted, it's only three afternoons a week...and it's only for 2 and a half hours, but really?

I took the day off of work, so that M. and I can both see her off to school. In the perfect outfit, a purple plaid jumper. Because purple is her favorite color.

I hope I don't cry.

Explaining My Title, Part Three

Opened up the mailbox today. Out popped a coupon exclaiming, "Your Child is 24 months old."

Yeah, not so much.

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And the most obvious explanation of my title has to do with M. and I trying to conceive a sibling for Miss. O.

We started TTC #2 in September of 2005. Miss O. was eighteen months old because we wanted our children to be close in age. Ha ha. Boy, was I wrong in thinking I could control that!

But there was a problem. It's pretty hard to conceive a child when you are not menstruating at ALL. I had stopped breastfeeding when Miss O. was nine months old. Nine months later, no sign of AF. I went to the OB and he said, "Not a problem. Prov.era and Clo.mid are just what you need." His thought was that my hormones were still wacky, and Clo.mid would straighten everything out.

I took it for 2 cycles. M. and I were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant in January of 2006. We had the ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything looked good. A due date of September 15th was given and off we went. Two weeks later, I started spotting on a Sunday night. By the time I got into the Dr. office Monday morning, I knew that I was not going to be having this baby in September.

That's how M. and I ended up at the hospital the day before Valentine's day, and I had a D&C.

Afterwards, I just felt so empty and sad. After researching miscarriage on Dr. Google, I was shocked to realize that perhaps 25% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage. So, we chalked it up to being a one time thing.

Boy, were we wrong.

After a three month wait, we got the go ahead to try again. BFN after BFN, crushed my hope of giving Miss O. a sibling. The end of September came, and yet another BFN. Couldn't believe it.

Then the unthinkable happened. I woke up early one Saturday morning in October 2006, in extreme pain. My abdomen felt like I was having contractions. The pain came in waves. Four hours later in an ER, I found out that I was pregnant. But it was in my tube. I was sent in to emergency surgery and lost my left tube.

Loss #2 and the loss of a tube.

That took a while to get through. But I climbed back up on that TTC horse and kept going. In 2007, I had a pregnancy of unknown location. That took two metho.trex.ate shots and 6 weeks of blood draws to be called over. And a chemical last November.

So, here I am. Five pregnancies, one living child.

Not the path I chose.

Explaining Part 2

I failed miserably at ICLW this month. *hangs head in shame*


Thank you to all who took the time to check out the digs here at Not The Path I Chose!

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Work has kept me away from my blog and from reading others for the last couple of weeks. As much as I wanted to sit down and post, I could not find the time to do so. Adjusting to my new schedule, where I actually spend a little time with my husband has been rough on computer time, too. I'm NOT complaining about that!

Continuing on the post, "Explaining My Title", where I am in my career would also fall into that category.


You see, until last December, I worked as a News Videographer. Yes, I work in "Tee-Vee"! I was the one with the camera on my shoulder, following the reporter around...recording all the video and interviews you would see at home when you watched your local news. I covered whatever I was assigned that day, from council meetings to fires, politics to sports. I did it all. And I loved it. Every day was different and my deadline was 11pm. The next day would start fresh.

Then like most of corporate America, a merger happened. I was told that I would no longer be a News Videographer. Fortunately I still had a job, but it was much different. Instead of being outside the building covering the news, I sat in the newsroom for my eight hours everyday. In a cubicle. Let's just say that I never thought of myself as one to just sit at a desk all day...


For the last eight months I have been going through the motions. I was not enjoying my new job, quite frankly, I felt like a glorified secretary. On the upside, I had a lot of time to surf the web. I stumbled across some IF blogs, and realized I wasn't alone in this journey.

I'm now a news producer. I never thought that after 10 years as a photo, this is what I would be doing. I think I might even like it.


But it was not the path I chose.