Explaining My Title

I've been thinking lately that I need to explain the title I chose for my blog.

The obvious reason is my fight with secondary infertility and my recurrent pregnancy losses, but there is more to it. Mostly, it sums up how I feel about my life in general.

Way back when, before I understood anything about IF or miscarriage, I was blissfully pregnant with Miss O. She is my miracle baby...as M. and I conceived her *looks around* the first month we tried. *ducks*

We waited until twelve weeks to tell our family. We planned it all out, and had our parents & grandparents over for a picnic. I had searched for baby frames for our ultrasound picture and wrapped up the frames. After everyone had finished eating, M. and I gave our respective mothers their gift. M.'s mom unwrapped hers and looked quizzical at us, but my mom, being an OB nurse, immediately recognized what the picture was and jumped up excitedly. "I'm going to be a grandma!", she cried.

That is one of my favorite memories of my mom.

Mom was diagnosed with Stage III, C, ovarian cancer in May of 1999. I couldn't believe it. I was one year out of college...how could my mom be dying? The survival rate for her stage was only a 25% chance of being alive in 5 years. What crappy odds.

I was 7 months pregnant with Miss O., when I realized that my mom wasn't going to meet her first grand baby. For almost 5 years, she had undergone two major de-bulking surgeries, countless chemotherapy treatments, and plenty of holistic & natural treatments. But the cancer was starting to win. She couldn't keep any food or liquid down anymore, and her latest MRI had shown a new tumor that was filling her abdomen. The doctors said they had done all they could.

I had my baby shower on Sunday, December 14th, 2003. We held it at my mom's house with family and only her closest friends. At this point, hospice was visiting my mom daily. It was a wonderful day. Mom even made it out to the living room to see me open my gifts. I'll never forget that afternoon that was bittersweet in so many ways. The celebrating of a new life that was coming...as another life was coming to an end.

Mom passed away that Thursday night, December 18th...just four days shy of her 55th birthday. Near the end, I asked her if she wanted to know what I was having. M. and I were not finding out, but I knew my doctor would write it down for me if she wanted to know. I remember her saying, "No, I'll meet the baby soon enough."

I don't doubt that she did.

Miss O. made her grand entrance into this world on March 7, 2003. I sure didn't plan on being a new mom without a mom.

It was not a path I would have chose.