Showers & Cookies

This last weekend, I attended a bridal shower for my girlfriend from college. I'm so excited for her, but I dread bridal showers, or baby showers for that matter. I go out of respect, but seldom do I enjoy these events. My girlfriend's started innocently enough...but as the minutes ticked by the more uncomfortable I became. After we snacked a little, played a game, had some cake, and watched the opening of the gifts...it happened. I knew it was only a matter of time. I was surrounded by people who know me, but most don't know about our secondary IF problem. It never fails, the room grew quiet, and someone asked the question.

"So, are you going to have more children?"

I swear EVERY head in the room turned to hear my answer. I looked around, crawled under the table, took a deep breath, and answered as politely as I could, "I would love to be blessed with more." Inside, though, I was furious. Why? I know this seems like an innocent enough question to anyone who has not struggled to have children. I know that most people don't know my struggle, but honestly, this is not something you should ask as small talk, you know?

Sometimes I wish I was bolder. I wish I could respond the way I do inside my head. I often wonder what people would say if I responded with, "we've been trying...it's not working out well." or "I've had 5 pregnancies and I only have Olivia here." What about, "it's none of your business whether M. And I are planning on having more children!"

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I spent this morning baking 12 dozen cookies for my sister's wedding. My house smells incredible. The cookies are a Swedish recipe, called Pepparkakars. Basically, a very, very thin gingerbread-like cookie. Mmm...I love them with a cup of coffee. Crispy and gingery.

They remind me of Christmas time, my mother would always include them as one of the many Christmas cookies she would bake. I cried a little this morning, while I was rolling out the dough. It doesn't seem fair, that this Saturday, my sister will be walking down the aisle without my mom. She would have been making all the cookies for the wedding. She would have been staying with me this whole week to help out. Olivia would have sat next to her at the reception...

I know that she will be on my mind, more than usual, over the next few days.

I love you, Mom.