Mixed Emotions

As I held 2 babies yesterday, I felt two very different waves of emotion...


We traveled down the road Saturday night, to be godparents for my second niece. The baptism was at 10 o'clock and with a three hour trip, it was easier to travel the night before and stay overnight. All the way to the big city, I was giving myself a pep talk. M. and I, both, needed one. We love our nieces, but we struggle with the ease of their conception, and his brother's ignorance when it comes to our struggle. Want a refresher? Here's what was said when they found out they were having another girl.

Sunday morning dawned sunny and beautiful.

As we sat down in the church, I started to feel a little panicky. My heart began to beat faster, and the tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about my babies. My lost, angel babies, who should have been sitting there with me. The ceremony was short and sweet, and thankfully, M. and I just had to stand there and profess to help with the spiritual raising of the child.


It was the pictures that almost did me in.

Of course, everyone wanted pictures. Pictures of the new family. Pictures of M. and I with the new family. And then, the baby was handed to me. "Oh, we want a picture of you and M. and the baby!"


I held that baby, I tried to smile.

The whole time I was fighting back tears, trying to appear happy. I swear my heart was being ripped from my chest. It was so hard. The 3 hours of family time at their house following the ceremony wasn't much better. At least, M. would look at me and we would share that knowing look, the look of being battered and wanting to leave. Miss O. had a blast playing with the kids, which left us stuck hanging with the grownups.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic when a friend, who lives in the big city, called my cell phone. She was hanging at the mall, and would we like to meet up with her?

Absolutely.

The last time I saw her, was her baby shower. I had yet to see the baby, except for pictures. As I walked through the mall, all I could feel was excitement building. I couldn't wait to see her and catch up.

As I held her baby, I felt nothing but pure joy.

To look at that sweet little face, feel the warmth of her body, smell that baby smell. I could have held her all day.

2 babies.

2 totally different reactions.

Still the same heartache.

Self Sufficient

"I don't need any help...because I can do it myself!"

We're hearing that phrase a lot these days here at Not The Path I Chose.

It's starts in the morning with brushing our teeth.

"I wanna squeeze the toothpaste!"

"No, let me do it"

"I don't need any help, I can do it myself"

And continues throughout the day. For everything. Some days I think I can't possibly hear it one more time! I can't blame Miss O., she's just showing off her independence.

The more I hear the phrase, the more I realize that it pretty sums up how I feel right now, too.

Being stuck, waiting for this IVF cycle to begin, all I want to do is scream, at the top of my lungs, "We don't need your help...because we can do it ourselves!"

Feh, if only that was the case.

Anyhow, I'm on CD20 right now, and finally ovulating. I'm debating whether I should call the nurse tomorrow morning and see if maybe, just maybe, we could still cycle this month. Tell me if I'm crazy, but since I'm just now ovulating, and the plan is to start Lup.ron after ovulation, I wouldn't be stimming until the 2nd week of September at the earliest, I think. Which means M. would be home from his work trip by the time we would even be considering retrieval and transfer.

Of course, considering I've never gone through an IVF cycle, I could be way wrong. ;)


So, what do you think?

Feeling Crafty?

So, I've seen this really cute idea on Katie Cupcakes and Melis.sa's blogs.

AND I think it's just what I need to get my creative juices flowing!

Here's how it works....
The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch?
You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

Hello...

Hello!

I feel like it's been forever since I've posted...

After last week's "fit", Miss O. came down with a nasty head cold, which I proceeded to get on Friday. We still went out on Saturday night, because we had a babysitter...but it was rough.

Word to the wise...don't take a full dose of Ny.quil at 2am, unless you don't mind sleeping until 11am!

I'm finally feeling more like myself, but poor M. woke up with the cold this morning.

Throwing A Fit

I'm a brat.

On Monday, within 5 minutes of walking in the door from work, I looked around my messy house, and was ticked. M. is off on Mondays, and had obviously done no chores while I was at work. Miss O. ran up to me, and said, "Grandma brought me tomatoes". Glancing at her, I noticed that she was still wearing her pajamas.

"Where did you see Grandma?", I inquired.

"She came here.", was Miss O.'s innocent reply.

Are you kidding me?

I barely get along with my in-laws. I sure don't want them showing up unannounced at my home. Especially when I'm NOT there. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough, but I always feel like I'm being judged, you know?

I lost it. Yelling and crying. Screaming and stomping my feet.

Sadly, I don't even have any excuse, as we're in the middle of a non-medicated cycle. Poor M. took the brunt of it, just staring at me. Finally, as I start to settle down, he looks at me and says, "I wasn't going to tell you, but they're watching Miss O. all night on Saturday so that we can go out and have some fun."

Yup, I'm a brat.

The Heat Is On

It's finally summer here!



We've actually had more than 1 day of 90+ temps...now, that the season is almost over.


Lately, I'm feeling really restless.

My sleeping has been bad. Like waking up 4 to 5 times a night bad. I actually took an hour nap today, I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

I feel like I need a change. That I'm in a rut.

Don't want to cut my hair, but I might color it. I have this stupid thought in my head that I'm not cutting my hair until I have another baby. I haven't really had it cut, just trimmed since after my failed IUI cycles. I think the last time I really had any length taken off was in March of 2008! With the luck I've had, chances are that I'll keep my long hair WAY past the time I should cut it, you know, I'll be the grey haired lady pushing her buggy through the grocery store with my hair down to my butt ;)

I'm also thinking that I need to change the looks around here.

Any suggestions on hair or blog changes?

Show & Tell ~ Octopus Cake

I've always loved baking.

Something about the measuring of ingredients, mixing, and the wonderful smells that emit from the oven just makes my heart happy. For years, when I was stressed, or down, I would bake. Cookies, pies, cakes. Although I would eat some of what I make, I really get pleasure from seeing others enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Over the past year, I've been focusing on cakes.

I've worked with fondant for the first time, and started to work on sculpting with cake, too. So, when my little cousin requested an cake shaped like an octopus, I was up for the challenge.

The legs are fondant, the body of the octopus is rice crispy treats, and the cake is iced in butter cream.

::::::::::::::::::::

Check out what the rest of the class is showing here.

Fresh Start

It's a new week.

Worked my butt off this morning with my trainer... I did 20 minutes warm up on the elliptical and then we went off to work on the Boso ball. On the ball, I did lunges, squats, biceps, triceps, then down to the floor and we did abs. Holy cow, there was one point where I was sure I was going to puke!

End result was 501 calories in an hour!

I'm finally getting back on the wagon with my eating, too. I know that this week's weigh in will prolly still show a gain, but you have to start somewhere right?

Mentally, I feel better than last week. The weekend was good for my soul, and I'm trying to stay positive.

Now, I just need to keep the momentum going...

Like Clockwork

Yup.

Today is cycle day 2. AF came with a vengeance yesterday.

30 days. My cycles have been 30 to 32 days every month since the March loss.

So, yeah, no IVF cycle for us this month.

Thinking Aloud

The last two weeks, Miss O. has been going through a phase that includes some new attitude I haven't seen in her before. I think it's a combination of her testing limits, trying out some independence, and being around the older kids at daycare. For the most part, I don't mind, it's pretty innocent and she snaps out of it pretty quick, except for one new phrase that just sets me over the edge.

"This is the worst day, ever!", usually accompanied by a foot stomp and whining.

I can NOT stand to hear that phrase out of her mouth. Why? I don't exactly know. I think it's a combination that it is uttered after I've told her that she can't do something, and it is always delivered dramatically. To the point that it just makes my blood boil.

Poor M. walked in the door from work one night last week, only to find Miss O. crying on the couch in time-out, and me, in a heap on the kitchen floor, crying. All because I didn't let her carry the jug of juice in from the car. That's why it was the WORST day ever.

I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me so much, almost every day since last week. Obviously, as an adult, I know that it's not the worst day ever, and that a five year old has a hard time seeing into the future. The rational side of my mind tells me that it's just a phase she's going through and this, too, will pass. The crazy mom side of my brain is pointing a finger at me saying, "You know she's selfish because she's an only child!"

As much as I try to quiet that voice in my head, I swear it gets louder. And throws many more things at me to feel bad about. Mommy guilt is an awful thing, because once it starts, I swear it picks up speed like a ball rolling down a hill, going faster and faster. I already wince on the inside, if at a play date, Miss O. grabs a toy from another child or doesn't share well.

The paranoia starts to set in.

In my darkest moments, I feel that other parents look at the fact that I only have Miss O. and think that M. and I are selfish for only having ONE child. That she's destined to be self-centered, spoiled, and a loner. Thank goodness these days are few and far between.

On better days, I look at my beautiful daughter, who will be entering kindergarten in the fall, and I think, "Maybe a family of three will be just fine."

Monday Blues

I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my fun day
My I don't have to run day
It's just another manic Monday

Remember that old Bangles hit?

I often find myself humming it in on my way to work on Mondays.

So fitting.

Especially because M. works Tuesday through Saturdays, so our only day off together is Sunday. In the almost 10 years I've known him, we've never had more than one day off together...but over the past 5 years, it's allowed us to keep daycare to a minimum.

We usually keep Sundays pretty low key, because of that. Yesterday was a little different, as we traveled up to my home town to celebrate my little cousin's birthday with some family.

The day went pretty well, with only a few minor bumps. She loved her cake, and Miss O. had a great time playing with her little cousins. It was nice to spend time with my grandpa and grandma, along with some other family. I did have to remove myself from the table once, when my grandpa, surprisingly, gave his opinion on why women aren't having babies as much. I have NO idea where that came from!?! Honestly, though other than the fact that we had a 2 hour drive home and didn't leave until 9:30pm, it was a nice, relaxing day.

Now, I'm almost through my 8 hours at work...and I'm itching to go home. M. has called a couple of times updating me with things that he's doing with Miss O. I want to go home right this instant.

Wonder if I could win the lotto?