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A week ago Sunday, I went to a scrapbooking crop. A girlfriend had invited me to her sister in law's, where about 15 women spent the afternoon scrapbooking, talking, and eating! It was a neat experience, and somehow between the chit-chat, I managed to almost complete a 6x6 scrapbook of my triathlon experience last summer.
Obviously, most of the women had kids, multiple kids and the talk revolved around that. I figured that it was only a matter of time before I was asked the dreaded question. Because if you have one child people readily assume that A) You are fertile, B) You want to have more children, and C) That any of this is THEIR business.
About 6 hours in, it happened. Innocently enough, I was asked, "So, you gonna have more kids?" I never know how to respond. My answer totally depends on my mood and how well I know the questioner. I think I responded with a weak, "If the Lord chooses to bless us." I used to feel okay when I used that response, but I'm not going to lie...it's starting to tick me off! It seems innocuous enough, when we were only months into TTC again. Now, as I'm going into my 4th year of struggling, it makes me mad. Why hasn't the Lord chosen to bless M. and I? What have I done wrong? I've been pregnant 5 times, yet I only have 1 child...
But other responses don't feel right either. You could always throw out the, "We'll see..." or the ever popular, "Maybe.", but that always leads to other questions. And I don't think most people want to hear the truth. The truth that we've been trying, and nothing is working. That I've lost 4 pregnancies. That Miss O. is still an only child.
And I always love to get the response, " Just relax and it will happen." Really??? I didn't know that I was working too hard at it. I heard a new one at the crop, one woman told me, "Put everything away, all the baby stuff, and you're sure to get pregnant." I had to bite my tongue, not to unleash some fury on her. Because, surely, boxing everything up will cause the tides to turn and I will achieve a sticky pregnancy for that reason alone. *rolling my eyes*
How do you fend off unwanted questions?
Wow, that woman was tenacious! Usually when I go the honest route "We've been trying for four years, and have had 5 losses." I usually get the sad puppy look and the conversation turns on a dime.
ReplyDeleteAlthough what REALLY gets me going is when I don't feel like giving it all up and people continue to give me lame advice. As if I haven't left a stone unturned. My favorite recently: "Oh, my niece found out she wasn't ovulating and took CLOMID... have you tired that???"
I can't even respond to that stuff anymore. Makes me want to bang my head against a wall.
Hun I am sorry that you have to go through this. If it is God's will you will get the sticky BFP! until then be patient in Him and rest in His arms.. He will give you strength with either a healthy PG or He will give you the peace inside knowing one might be enough. I love ya' and I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteamber
this is why i don't talk to people!
ReplyDeletekidding. sort of :) i should clarify-this is why i don't talk to people around my age who might ask me this question. but then again i'm insane apparently.
gargle!
scrapbooking sounds fun though!
Ugh! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm usually kind of okay with the question. . . its the "advice" that really sets me off! I have no idea how to fend off unwanted questions. Everything I've come up with just opens the door to idiotic responses.
ReplyDeleteICLW.
I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, especially at a scrapbooking thing that you were supposed to be enjoying. I did an all day scrapbook event this past weekend and it was lots of fun.
ReplyDeleteAs for the comments, I get that less often now that kiddo is 7 but my response is still the same ...
Them: "So, when are you having your next child?"
Me: "Wow, wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy?"
That usually gets the conversation to stop, although sometimes people started popping off with advice. I usually just give them a look and say that we've tried just about everything for the past few years.
OOOOH I love the last commenter's advice, I'm using that one!
ReplyDeleteI hear this sometimes, but tend to just brush it off. If people press, I will tell them that we've been wanting one for 3+ years and dont' have money left for any more treatment. That usually shuts them up.
**Rolling my eyes** with you :) People just dont get it. I get those nosy (but well-meaning) questions daily from people..."You guys have been married two years now, when should we expect news of a baby?" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
ReplyDeletei have gotten to the point where i just say, "don't worry, we'll let you know." and leave it at that. When they start prying deeper, I give a sharp, "Thats a pretty personal part of my life and I'd like to keep it between my husband and I." So----THERE! :) lol it usually shuts them up. But when they REALLY don't get the picture and they're digging way to deep, i give a flat, "don't count on it--i can't carry a baby to term." and they shut the hell up. ! I used to not ever tell people, but A---they get the point and B---they will probably remember next time, too . :) thats just me though, I'm a pretty straight-forward person!
anyway i enjoyed stopping by your blog.....:)
Laura
ICLW
I'm pretty open about what we did to get DD and when we plan on going back for #2. That being said, I always find that responding in an "eh" way is usually a good way to avoid all the advice.
ReplyDeleteI am enjoying reading your blog!
ICLW
Well I don't think there is any way to avoid the question in the first place, but the only way to completely avoid the follow up questions and comments is to be awkwardly and bluntly honest.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I rarely get up the courage to do so. Like you said, I don't think most people really want the truth, but saying, "actually I have x more kids but they are all dead" would definitely stop the conversation in its tracks. Of course, then you become the awkward dead baby lady.
You can't win. My answer is usually something like, "We'd like to have more," and then try to change the subject. It doesn't always work. It's really frustrating to have someone go on and on about it, "Wow, I don't know you can wait so long, I had baby fever by the time mine was 18 months. Are you just not ready?" Um, thanks actually I was pregnant when my son was 18 months old and I got pregnant after that baby died, only that pregnancy didn't last either...but I never actually said all of that, just sort of shrugged and hoped she would just.stop.talking.already.
:hug: I will never understand why people think someone else's babymaking is any of their business. Maybe a good response would be to turn it around and ask them about their sex life? Ha, I don't know. I wish I was that brave.
I have reached the point in my life where I just tell it like it is. If they don't like it, they don't have to talk to me about it. Plus, I figure that if I lay it all out there and it makes them uncomfortable, they may stop asking that of people they don't even know.
ReplyDeleteI found you through ICLW!
ReplyDeleteI soooo feel your pain about the rude questions. As some of the other commenters said, I'm a fan of telling it like it is too. If it makes people feel uncomfortable, good, they shouldn't be so nosey in the first place.
And don't get me started on 'just relax'. I now tell people that them saying to me makes me feel MORE stressed and like I'm doing something wrong.
Some people will never get (and those are precisely the ones that get knocked up on a one night stand).
Eve