Explaining My Title

I've been thinking lately that I need to explain the title I chose for my blog.

The obvious reason is my fight with secondary infertility and my recurrent pregnancy losses, but there is more to it. Mostly, it sums up how I feel about my life in general.

Way back when, before I understood anything about IF or miscarriage, I was blissfully pregnant with Miss O. She is my miracle baby...as M. and I conceived her *looks around* the first month we tried. *ducks*

We waited until twelve weeks to tell our family. We planned it all out, and had our parents & grandparents over for a picnic. I had searched for baby frames for our ultrasound picture and wrapped up the frames. After everyone had finished eating, M. and I gave our respective mothers their gift. M.'s mom unwrapped hers and looked quizzical at us, but my mom, being an OB nurse, immediately recognized what the picture was and jumped up excitedly. "I'm going to be a grandma!", she cried.

That is one of my favorite memories of my mom.

Mom was diagnosed with Stage III, C, ovarian cancer in May of 1999. I couldn't believe it. I was one year out of college...how could my mom be dying? The survival rate for her stage was only a 25% chance of being alive in 5 years. What crappy odds.

I was 7 months pregnant with Miss O., when I realized that my mom wasn't going to meet her first grand baby. For almost 5 years, she had undergone two major de-bulking surgeries, countless chemotherapy treatments, and plenty of holistic & natural treatments. But the cancer was starting to win. She couldn't keep any food or liquid down anymore, and her latest MRI had shown a new tumor that was filling her abdomen. The doctors said they had done all they could.

I had my baby shower on Sunday, December 14th, 2003. We held it at my mom's house with family and only her closest friends. At this point, hospice was visiting my mom daily. It was a wonderful day. Mom even made it out to the living room to see me open my gifts. I'll never forget that afternoon that was bittersweet in so many ways. The celebrating of a new life that was coming...as another life was coming to an end.

Mom passed away that Thursday night, December 18th...just four days shy of her 55th birthday. Near the end, I asked her if she wanted to know what I was having. M. and I were not finding out, but I knew my doctor would write it down for me if she wanted to know. I remember her saying, "No, I'll meet the baby soon enough."

I don't doubt that she did.

Miss O. made her grand entrance into this world on March 7, 2003. I sure didn't plan on being a new mom without a mom.

It was not a path I would have chose.

School Days

"Sign your name, walk over to the table with blue folders, and sit down at the folder with your child's name on it."

And with that, I felt like I was back in school. Parent orientation for Miss O.'s preschool. This is the first year that she will be attending. Overwhelmed? Just a little.

For the next hour, I listened to two very sweet teachers tell me everything I need to know for the school year. When share day is, what is allowed for snacks, and when to bring paper towels and tissues in. In the folder, a ton of paper work, and at least 4 activities that I need to do with Miss O. before school starts on the 8th.

Homework, already? It's preschool!

I don't think I'm ready for this...

Ramblings

The weekend is over.

I survived...but barely.

Why, why, why would you ask the resident infertile how to get pregnant? I know I have Miss O., but really!?! I haven't figured out how to have another one, and I'm pretty open about that fact. I'm sorry that you've been trying for the last three months and that it hasn't happened. *sigh* It has been 36 LONG months here, thank you very much.

OK, whine session over. Anyone have any cheese? (oh, yeah I'm still off dairy)

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I'm an idiot.

I've been doing the whole Castor oil on wool under a heating pad thing that my acupuncture lady suggested. Last night while watching the closing ceremony for the Olympics, I thought my belly felt a little too warm. Kinda burning, even. Did I take the heating pad off? No, I suffered through it.

Well, my C-section scar is NOT happy. Warning, this is pretty gross...but I've managed to burn my scar. Yes, I have 3 blisters running across the scar...eww. It has to be because that scar is super sensitive, because it's only on my scar. No burns anywhere else on my abdomen.

Stupid.

TGIF!

The weekend is finally here.

After a week that seemed to go on forever, I'm not expecting any rest this weekend. *sigh*

Saturday is another bridal shower for another college friend. I really thought that ten years removed from school that this part of my life would be over. Instead, I have 2 girlfriends from college getting married on the SAME day in October. I still haven't figured out how to make that work yet. Sunday is a family function with the in-laws. Need I say more?

And Monday starts the vicious cycle all over again.

My g.oogle re.ader is feeling horribly ignored, and I'm behind on ICLW already, and it's only day two. I'm off to catch up and leave some comments!

Hanging On

*Whew*

I think I can take a minute and catch my breath now...maybe even complete a post.


The last few days have been stressful. Between Aunt Flo showing up unwanted; to starting a new shift AND new job duties, I'm barely keeping my head above water. I know that within a week I'll be much more comfortable in my new position, leading me to feel more confident and secure.

So far, I am LOVING my new hours. For ten and a half years, over a decade of my life, I have worked some form of afternoon turn...3p-11p, 2p-10p, even 1p-9p. I have only eaten meals with my husband on Sunday nights. I've never really been a part of Miss O.'s bedtime routine. I am now working 10a-6p. Woo-hoo! I have a "normal" person's schedule. We ate dinner as a family at the dining room table (what a concept!) for the last two nights. Miss O. was a little confused the first night, "Mommy, why are we eating at the table?" Talk about feeling guilty!?!

I feel good about these changes. I think it's the right thing at the right time for our little family. I just hope this good feeling sticks around for a little bit!

I Should Have Known...

Cycle Day 1.

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It's been a crazy couple of days. I have plenty of posts running around in my head, but no time to type them out.

Scared Pee-less!

I am scared to test.


I don't think I have EVER been scared to test.

It's not like this is the end of the road or anything. M. and I have a deal to keep trying thru the end of the year, just us and acupuncture. If we are not pregnant with a sticky pregnancy by January 1, 2009, we will re-evaluate the situation, and probably go back to the RE.


I don't agree with my "O" date on FF, I'm just too lazy to override it. I'm almost positive "O" was on 8/2, which makes me 13DPO tomorrow. My LP usually runs anywhere from 12 to 14 days.

What to do, what to do....


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And to my stalker(s)...thank you SO much for all the good wishes, prayers, everything!

Hmm...

A Little Ray Of Hope

I have been exhausted. Bone tired, even after eight hours of sleep. I've been nodding off in the middle of the day, if I sit down.


Today at my acupuncture appointment, she took my pulse, and announced, "You are either really healthy, or you are carrying a boy!" OK, so even if I AM pregnant, there is NO way it's even been determined what I'm carrying to the little bean itself. But, I must admit, I'm hoping that she's at least right about me being pregnant.

Then a little voice from the back of my mind speaks up. Taunting me with all the reasons why I'm not pregnant. Scolding me for believing that she could even tell through a pulse. Reminding me that I've had my hopes up before, only to have them crushed with a gush of crimson.


But I want to believe. I need to hope.

Even if I am pregnant, I will not be able to breathe. Too many losses over the last three years. But even with the losses, I'm always excited when I see those two lines. It is such a beautiful sight, even though it's no guarantee of a baby at the end. How can you not be excited? Excited, but guarded...cautiously optimistic, I always say.


Saturday, I will know by Saturday.

Changes

Big changes are coming to my life in about a week and a half.

I haven't been happy at work for quite some time now, and have been pretty honest about it. For the last 10 years, I have worked an evening shift, somewhere around the lines of 3p-11p or so. Starting the 18th, I'm going day side! Woo-hoo!

I'm going to be able to eat dinner with my husband and daughter. I'm going to be able to put my daughter down to sleep at night, every night. Bedtime will be before 2am! The list goes on and on.

My position at work is changing along with my schedule...I'm finally going to be doing something that I enjoy, instead of being the glorified secretary that I am now. Nothing wrong with being a secretary, but when you spent your last 9 years in a very creative position, never sitting at a desk, what I've been doing for the past 8 months has about killed me! I'll still be sitting at a desk, but I'm going to get to be creative again. Super excited, that I am.

M. has worked on changing his schedule a little, so that Miss O. can still go to the preschool we picked for her. Being the boss has it's perks, I guess!?! I signed her up for a M-W-F afternoon preschool, because I worked afternoons. Not going to be the case anymore...so we had to figure something out. I can't believe my baby is going to preschool this year. How could this possibly be?

This is why I won't give up on working right now. The original plan was for me to go back to work until we had baby #2, then I would be a SAHM for a while. Hm, didn't quite work out. Now I feel like it's too late. If I was going to quit working, I should have done it 2 years ago, when Miss O. was still young. In a year, she'll be attending ALL day kindergarten, and what would I do all day? Sit on my butt, and do nothing? Doesn't sound to bad, but I know that after a couple of days I would be BORED.

Don't get me wrong, the want for another little one is still as strong as ever. I really, really, really would like to give Miss O. a sibling. It's just that, I need to focus on me right now. I need to stop living life through the "what ifs", you know? I've wasted SO much time in the last three years being obsessed with getting and staying pregnant. Maybe it's time to move on, and just live.

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Ha ha, who am I kidding? I'm 5 DPO.

Clean Up

My little sister is successfully on her honeymoon and the wedding is over.

Cleaning up has begun in my house, as I try to reclaim my life. Last week, I spent the first few days dipping pretzel rods in chocolate, for her favors. 400 pretzels later, this is what we had.

I then spent the next two days baking around 25 dozen cookies.

Like a good sister would, I took care of all the little details.

The reception hall was beautiful. The weather cooperated. The dress was perfect.

All in all, a good time was had.

And I somehow made it through the day without being asked if I was going to have more kids!

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I think I'm in the 2WW again.

My temperature tomorrow should give me an ovulation date of either cycle day (CD) 16 or 17...that's a little later than the last couple of months, but not too bad.

At my acupuncture appointment today, I had the feeling that she wasn't happy with my chart this month. And she said that I was cold. Hmm...maybe it's because she was out of town last week, so it's been two weeks from my last appointment.

I really, really, really want this to be our month. I want to see those two pink lines. If not, it will be 36 months since M. and I started TTC #2.

I have to hold on to hope, because it's all I have.

Now What?

The wedding is over.

I'm still trying to recover from the whirl-wind weekend.

I promise pictures and posts tomorrow.