It's been quite a while since I've been this pregnant.
Over 6 years, to be exact.
My pregnancy with Miss O. was textbook from a physical standpoint. Other than some back pain and a little swelling at the end, I had no problems. Mentally, though, it was a really rough time.
My mother had been fighting ovarian cancer for over 4 years when M. and I found out we were expecting. The news brought a lot of bittersweet joy to both of us. She was so excited to have a grandchild. By the time I was 7 months pregnant, she was losing her battle.
Sadly, four days after my baby shower in December of 2004, she passed away surrounded by family.
I know that I handled everything better than I would have had I not been pregnant. I had to eat, it was for the baby. I had to sleep, it was for the baby. I kept going because I had to, it wasn't just about me, but I had to think about how my actions would affect my unborn child. This isn't to say I didn't grieve, but I couldn't fully breakdown, because I worried about my baby.
I was on autopilot.
There is a lot I don't remember about my first pregnancy. I really wish I would have been blogging or at least have kept a journal. Just this morning, I thought I felt some real movement from the twins, and thought, "Hmm, wonder when I felt movement with Miss O.?".
I honestly have no recollection of that moment.
I remember how she felt, her little jabs and kicks, but I have no idea when that started. I can't remember if I had heartburn or trouble sleeping. Or when the braxton hicks contractions began. And pictures? Nope, I think I have only one or two from my entire pregnancy with her. So much of that pregnancy is a blur.
It's almost like being pregnant for the first time again.
I think that's why I'm trying to soak everything up this time. I've been taking "belly shots" every three weeks, since I hit the 9 week mark. I've been reading two pregnancy books, but only to the week I'm at. I'm anxiously awaiting the moment that I will feel these two squirming around on a regular basis.
I just want to enjoy it, remember it, really experience it.