Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Trying To Remember

It's been quite a while since I've been this pregnant.

Over 6 years, to be exact.

My pregnancy with Miss O. was textbook from a physical standpoint. Other than some back pain and a little swelling at the end, I had no problems. Mentally, though, it was a really rough time.

My mother had been fighting ovarian cancer for over 4 years when M. and I found out we were expecting. The news brought a lot of bittersweet joy to both of us. She was so excited to have a grandchild. By the time I was 7 months pregnant, she was losing her battle.

Sadly, four days after my baby shower in December of 2004, she passed away surrounded by family.

I know that I handled everything better than I would have had I not been pregnant. I had to eat, it was for the baby. I had to sleep, it was for the baby. I kept going because I had to, it wasn't just about me, but I had to think about how my actions would affect my unborn child. This isn't to say I didn't grieve, but I couldn't fully breakdown, because I worried about my baby.

I was on autopilot.

There is a lot I don't remember about my first pregnancy. I really wish I would have been blogging or at least have kept a journal. Just this morning, I thought I felt some real movement from the twins, and thought, "Hmm, wonder when I felt movement with Miss O.?".

I honestly have no recollection of that moment.

I remember how she felt, her little jabs and kicks, but I have no idea when that started. I can't remember if I had heartburn or trouble sleeping. Or when the braxton hicks contractions began. And pictures? Nope, I think I have only one or two from my entire pregnancy with her. So much of that pregnancy is a blur.

It's almost like being pregnant for the first time again.

I think that's why I'm trying to soak everything up this time. I've been taking "belly shots" every three weeks, since I hit the 9 week mark. I've been reading two pregnancy books, but only to the week I'm at. I'm anxiously awaiting the moment that I will feel these two squirming around on a regular basis.

I just want to enjoy it, remember it, really experience it.


  1. You deserve all of this happiness. Soak it in!!

  2. You definitely need to make the most of this time, sweetie! I know what you mean about the first pregnancy. I was still grieving heavily over my first m/c as they were pretty much back to back. I also didn't take pics or keep a diary as I was terrified of losing her. But anyway I did end up putting together a memento box with the tests I took, some ultrasound pics etc. Do everything you want to do to memorialise this time. Enjoy it!

  3. During my m/c's, I felt so guilty for not enjoying and savoring my pregnancy with Russell. I vowed to have professional belly shots taken so if I ever carried a baby to term again, I wouldn't forget the anticipation or excitement:-) Can't wait to see some shots in the coming weeks of your belly!

  4. After losses, pregnancy can be such a pain from the emotional standpoint, that it is hard to appreciate. But I may never be pregnant again (two kids might be enough for us) so I keep trying to embrace it since I might never be right here again. That makes me about 50% sad, 50% happy I'll never worry through a 1st trimester ever again!

  5. E-N-J-O-Y I-T A-L-L!

    You deserve to!

  6. Haa, I can't help myself from reading ahead a few weeks. :)

    I started feeling movement around 15 weeks, I think. But I think that was early.

    Enjoy every moment of this! :)

  7. My mom died when pregnant with my oldest as well, so I know how you feel! *HUGS*

  8. Isn't that the best thing of having a blog? Written evidence to remind us of these gorgeous moments.

    So happy you are relishing it. I am sure you are also remembering your mom's battle at this time. I am so sorry you lost her.

    Big hugs, twin mommy!

  9. like Hillary, I didn't really cherish every moment until I had all of my losses. The one I feel the worst about it my second child's pregnancy. My first child was still a baby, and we were scrambling, trying to figure out how we would handle two. I remember very little of his pregnancy (apart from the test I took and his birth).

  10. Soak it all in and enjoy it all! You definitely deserve it.

  11. Will we get to see any of these pregnancy pics? We'd love to....

    I'm glad you're blogging. It sounds like you are still working through some of your emotions. We're here for you!

  12. I'm just now catching up with some blogs I used to read (no Internet service at home)...I'm SO excited for you!!! TWINS!!!! Congrats!!

  13. Be aware... once it starts, it won't stop! When I was pregnant with my girls, Zoe would always get hiccups (She was nearest the top)and hook her feet in my ribs and Lucy would always be punching down there. Very uncomfy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.