And The Answer Is...

Negative.

I want to cry, scream, and hide...all at the same time.

In my heart, I knew that this would be the answer, but I just can't let go of a little hope. The good news, I have an answer. Although, I still have no sign of the witch. The bad news, I have an answer. Such a double edged sword infertility is.
And the nurse who called was so nonchalant about the whole thing. When I asked her how long I should wait before getting concerned about my lack of a period, and negative tests...she quickly answered, "Oh, if you don't get your period by the end of next week, take a home pregnancy test." Ugh.

How do you explain to someone the fear that rises in your chest when you think of even possibly being pregnant? If I could have reached through the phone and grabbed her shoulders, I would have. I would have shaken her silly, all the while screaming, "Do you realize I only have ONE tube?"

I don't have a lot of room for error at this point.

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So, what's going on with you?

Waiting...

Tomorrow.



I will have an answer by tomorrow afternoon. Either yes or no. At least, I hope so.



I'm not even sure what to wish for. I want to be pregnant. That's been the goal for three years now...but it sure hasn't worked out for the best. The last three years have been full of big ups and huge downs. Excitement and tears...and pain.



Thank you to everyone for the continuation of thoughts, hugs, and prayers. It means so much to me.

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On a total side note, I'm very excited to be typing this on my first, ever laptop computer. M and I decided to buy our Christmas present early ;)



Add wireless Internet...and I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yay!



Now, I can blog, surf the web, etc. without feeling guilty that I'm ignoring M. Our desktop is in a spare bedroom and I often felt bad when I would take some time and retreat to that room in the evening. If he's watching a football game, I can now sit on the couch next to him...and not be bored!

Holding Pattern

A quick update...

Still no period. And another negative HPT.

Waited all morning for my OB to call me back, I'm going in this afternoon for a draw.

At least I might have a definitive answer. I can't stand being in limbo.

Negative.

Sorry to leave everyone hanging. I took the test yesterday morning. "Not Pregnant", is what it screamed at me.

Oh, how I wish that she lived closer. She was right...I need cookies.

Still no sign that she's coming. I'm starting to be a little worried, as my ectopic started off this way. If nothing by tomorrow morning, I'll be calling the doc and asking for a Beta. If for nothing else, than peace of mind.

WOW!

I am blown away. Really.

Thank you all for all the fingers crossed, the prayers, the hopes, and thoughts. This is why I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful community that "gets it". When I posted last night, I totally forgot that ICLW started today. For those who are visiting from there, well, I sure had a great, intriguing post for you to land on, didn't I?

To catch everyone up to speed, I'm Photogrl, and hubby is M. We are very lucky to have our little miracle, Miss O. We've been trying to give her a sibling since September of 2005. Along the way, I have been pregnant 4 times, had one miscarriage at 10 weeks, one ectopic pregnancy that cost me my left tube, a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and a chemical pregnancy last November. M and I are currently on a RE break, with the next step probably being IVF.

So, how'd I get to posting last night's post?

I'm late. As in about 4 to 5 days late. I'm not super sure, as I haven't temped or charted for the last two months. M felt that it was time for a break from charting, as he felt it just made me crazy...he was right ;) But my cycles range from 28 to 31 days usually. Counting from the first day of my last period, I am on CD 35, 36. But so far, no period. And none of the usual signs that the witch is on her way either.

I haven't taken a test, yet. Only because I didn't have any in the house.

That problem has been solved. Upstairs, I have a three pack of pregnancy tests. So, unless I have a reason not too, I guess I'll test tomorrow morning. I hate, hate, hate seeing negatives, though...so maybe I won't.

We'll see.

So...

I think I'm late.

First Snow

I awoke this morning to find my world blanketed in a layer of fresh white snow. The kind of snow that sticks to everything, and makes everything beautiful.

A fresh start.

Of course, by this afternoon, the snow on the roads will have started to melt. The ugly, brown slush will appear and the beauty of the snow will be tarnished.

Much like what happens as you realize that you are struggling to conceive.

At first, the idea of having a baby is a beautiful thing. You gleefully throw away your pills, and caution to the wind. You laugh with your husband and giggle about how much "fun" it is to try.

But as months and months go by and those two lines fail to appear, a little bit of the "fun" starts to wear off. You suffer through countless announcements of pregnancies and baby showers. It seems that everyone *but* you is pregnant. Many tears will be shed, and possible fights begin between your loved one...all because you're NOT pregnant.

Yet, because of a four letter word, that begins with a "H"...every month is like a new snow. H-O-P-E, hope. Hope allows you to pull up your boot straps and get back on that horse. To *try* again. To soldier on. To not give up.

HOPE.

Scared

It's been a year since I've seen a positive pregnancy test.

In the world, of infertility, that isn't very long at all. I have no right to complain. But I'm scared. I'm scared because I haven't gone this long without a BFP before. Between M and I starting to "try" for child #2 in 2005 and November of 2007...I was pregnant 4 times. And I've lost 4 pregnancies.

I've been pregnant twice since my ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my left tube. But neither pregnancies stuck around very long. When we were with the RE, and trying fertility drugs, my left ovary was always the overachiever. Ironic, considering I only have a tube on the right. But it makes me wonder if my "good" eggs only come from the left ovary.

Doctors like to spout off statistics when they are dealing with someone who is struggling to conceive. In my case, I hear things like, only 25% percent of women become infertile after the loss of a tube. That is usually followed with, "We'll get you pregnant, don't worry...it just might take a little longer." Really? You think? I don't think you need a medical degree to figure out that my chances of getting pregnant ever month are lower than anyone with two, normal functioning fall.opian tubes.

That fateful day in October two years ago, I went in to surgery very scared that I might not wake up. I did wake up, but when they told me they couldn't save my tube, that it had ruptured, I cried. I cried because I knew that this path towards a second child was going to be that much harder.

I feel torn right now. Torn, because I want another child so much...yet, I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go to conceive again.

My RE has suggested that IVF is the way to go, but I have my doubts. I might get pregnant, but will I miscarry again? No one knows. No one can answer the questions that run through my mind at night when I think about taking the next step. What if I don't get pregnant? Will I be devastated? If I do get pregnant, will I have a baby in nine months? What if I have another ectopic pregnancy? What if I say enough is enough, will M be upset? Would Miss O really be sad if she ends up an only child? The list goes on and on....

What are you scared of?

Halfway There

Only two more days.

Thursday, I just have to get to Thursday. And M will be home. Yay. I finally talked to him tonight. His presentation went well, and he's enjoying meeting people and putting faces to names.

I'm jealous that he is in Orlando...warm, sunny, and the land of Mickey. Where I am, it's gray, cold, and snow is in the forecast. Boo! I should have found a flight and traveled with him. I could have hung out at the pool during the day.

Miss O. is confused. She keeps asking whether Daddy will be home soon. How do you explain a business trip to a 4 year old? I overheard her tonight playing with some dolls, "I have to leave now on a busy-ness trip. See ya later alligator."

I felt bad picking her up from daycare, and taking her to the YMCA, where I put her in child watch while I tried to run. Tried, because every. treadmill. was. taken. This is why I like to go in the morning, early, while M and Miss O are sleeping. A half hour workout ended up being an hour due to the wait. Ugh.

Two more days.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Ah...

It's Friday night. I have a plate of cheese and crackers in front of me, a glass of wine to the left of me, and I don't have to be back to work until Tuesday! Yippee!

Of course, I won't feel so great about it next week, when I'm a single parent for 4 days.

M is going out of town on a business trip. He leaves Monday, and will be gone until Thursday evening. He's really excited and is really hoping this trip leads to a promotion and move within the company. I'm excited for him, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a little worried about next week.

I dread not having him to help around the house. It might sound pathetic, but we divide chores up evenly around here. Not really by choice, but by necessity. Before August, we worked opposite shifts...great for childcare, not so great for seeing each other. So, honestly, M does all the laundry in the house...please don't hate on me for it. ;) He also takes care of the trash, the yard work, and the turtle. I make sure we are fed and the house is clean. Not to mention the fact that he entertains Miss O, so I can find my way to the computer for a little me time.

Works well, until someone leaves town, you know?

Of course, I'm going to miss him, too, not just the work he does around here. But it IS the amount of work that scares me. For those four days, I'm going to be mom, dad, a cook, a maid, a driver...you get the point. I don't know how my Mom did it by herself all those years.

My goo.gle reader already has 185 unread items on it...I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.

Good news, maybe?

My heart has a little bit of hope now.


It finally dawned on me that M's company is based out of Illinois. And so is his medical insurance! Illinois is one of only a handful of states that mandate insurance companies to cover infertility treatment. The state that we reside in has nothing like that in place, and we're insured under my work's insurance.

So, open enrollment is this month. And we've decided to enroll M and myself. We'll still keep my family plan at work, but in essence, M and I will be double covered. The monthly fee will be well worth it, if it means we can move forward with the RE.


I'm not even banking on IVF, I would love to just have some of the medicines, like injectables covered, you know? With only one tube, I'm not willing to drop a couple thousand on injectable meds for a cycle that would be called off due to left sided follies, you know?

Let's see, $2,080 dollars out of pocket up front, or $12,000? I think I'm ready to roll the dice and see if maybe 2009 will be a sticky pregnancy year.

Vote!

I voted. Did you?

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I took Miss O. with me to vote today.

I told her it was a very important election, one that she would read about in history class someday. How weird is that?

As we left the polling place, she announced, "We Bowted (voted)! Yay, Mama."

Made my day.

Happy Halloween

I missed my little girl's Harvest Fun Day at preschool.

I missed her trick or treating with grandma.

Stupid work.

But, at least I have pictures of my Snow White.