Refreshed

M. and I slept in until 10 o'clock this morning.

Ten o'clock, in the morning! I can't tell you the last time I slept until eight, let alone ten!

Last night, we dropped Miss O. off to the outlaws* for the night. I couldn't believe that they agreed to keep her overnight, but somehow M. convinced them. We then spent the evening with some close friends and headed into the big city for dinner. After a three hour meal**, YUM, we rolled out the door to a karaoke bar. The karaoke was bad, but we had fun laughing.

It was really nice to let a little loose, have some wine, and good conversation.

Bedtime was a little late...around 2, I think!?! But not late enough to sleep in as long as we did. Normally, I'd blame it on too much libations, but I really only had 3 glasses of wine the entire night.

I don't care.

I woke up feeling refreshed and energized, and I'm not sure the last time I felt that way. It's been a long five weeks of getting up at the crack of dawn to get blood drawn before I had to be at work. I'm not sure I realized how drained my body was, as I was just trying to function, you know? M. and I joked this morning that a lazy night/morning in bed was long overdue. We have a lazy day ahead of us, just hoping to get some work done around the house.

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* The Outlaws - That's my new name for the in-laws, just because it fits ;)
** Have you ever ate at the Mel.ting Po.t? It is a incredible experience...although, a little pricey when you consider you cook your whole meal yourself! But SO worth it.

Eight Words...

"Oh, I thought you guys had given up..."

Those are the eight words that have been haunting me for a couple of weeks now.

There is so much wrong with that statement, that I don't even know where to start. They were uttered by my mother in law after finding out that M. and I were losing another pregnancy. Before even saying, "I'm sorry."

I don't know how to digest these words, and really don't know how to feel about them.

Should I be offended? I mean, just because we've been on a break from treatments, doesn't mean we've stopping trying to add to our family. Once you struggle with infertility, I'm not sure you *ever* stop trying. Ever. I know that over the last six months, even though I haven't temped or used ovulation predictors, I've still thought, "Maybe this is the month.", before peeing on a stick, hoping to see those two elusive lines. Part of me is offended. I mean, really, do you think that we'll never add another grandchild to your family tree? Do you see us as quitters? Because, let me tell you, your son might not have completed college, but he's NOT a quitter when it comes to anything that has to do with his family. If I couldn't work, M. would gladly take on another job or two, if that's what he needed to do.

It makes me really angry that someone, who isn't in my shoes, obviously feels that I'll never have another child. Why? Who gives her the right to believe that?

Yes, I might never carry another child to term, but there are SO many options out there. We might look at donor eggs. Surrogacy is always an option. Adoption. There are plenty of ways for us to add to our family.

Giving up has never crossed my mind.

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I had my blood drawn again this morning.

Beta came back at 40, down from 119 last Wednesday.

Next week, M. and I will meet with the doctor to talk about our next step. I'm ready to have a new game plan.

Unexpected Mindfields

It's little, but that's my wordle. Wanna get one? Click here.

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Lately, I'm finding myself caught off guard by my emotions. One minute, I'm fine. The next, I'm a mess.

Let's take last night as an example...Miss O. and I went to the mall for the obligatory visit with the Easter Bunny. We stood in line forever, waiting to see an adult in a furry suit. I've never quite understood the whole visit the bunny thing, and it kinda freaks me out. The bunny doesn't talk, unlike Santa, so why go sit on his lap??? But Miss O. is in love with anything "bunny" right now, and had been asking for weeks to see him/her.

She was very patient while in line, so I decided to go to the play area in the food court, and let her burn off some energy. I got a coffee, plopped myself down on one of the benches along the play area, took off her shoes, and off she went. While watching her, I couldn't help but notice other children and moms in this area. I quickly realized that I was the ONLY mom with only one child.

Every mom had at least two kids, and most appeared to be 2 or 3 years apart in age. I'm not exaggerating...it was kind of freaky. Then I started to notice that at least three of the moms were ALSO expecting. It was just.too.much. The walls started to close in on me. I felt the tears starting to burn in my eyes.

I never thought I'd be crying in the food court.

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Have you been blindsided by your emotions before? Where was it? How did you handle it?

Laying Low

Ever feel like your perpetually in slow motion?

Or that there is a weight on your chest that makes even getting out of bed a chore?

How about looking at your life, feeling like there is gauze covering your eyes?

That's how I've felt the last few days.

And you know what's sad? In the grand scheme of my life, what I'm going through right now really isn't that bad. Yes, I've lost another pregnancy. I'm being inconvenienced with weekly blood draws, which are just a reminder of my loss. Frustration is cursing through my veins, as I feel like nobody in real life "gets" it. On the other hand, I have M., who is my rock and Miss O., who always makes me smile.

But I just can't seem to shake the gloomies away.

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Please head over and give some love to Hillary from Dan & Hillary and little Russell.

They are in the midst of a very scary time and could use some support. Doctors are concerned that she has a 'cornual pregnancy', which is a very dangerous situation for this Momma!

Thank You, Thank You Very Much...

Liddy over at The Unfair Struggle nominated me for the Sisterhood Award!

Rules:

Put the logo on your blog or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.

Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

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So, here's my list. Everyone on this list is at a different point in their IF journey, but always write from the heart and usually with a great sense of humor.

• Carrie at Tubeless in Seattle
• Hillary at Dan, Hilary, & Little Russell
• Katie at The Happy Hours
• Kathy at Three of a Kind, Working on a Full House
• Mary at A Hopeful Unicorn
• Kate at It is Tuesday, Right?
• RM at Butterfly on My Shoulder
• Melissa at So It Goes
• Kate at Bee In The Bonnet
• Christina at Apron Strings

Down Hill Slope

Finally, some good news to report. My RE's nurse just called me back.

Today's number is 199!

My hCG level seems to be dropping now.

I think I can begin to let my guard down, and begin to think forward, instead of feeling so paralyzed with fear.

My Life Is A Mess

...and there's nothing I can do about it!

Ok, so I can change some of it, but it's just crazy.

This morning I had to return to the Blood & Cancer Center bright and early again. I got weighed, again. Boo! Seriously, how can I have gained 12 pounds in less than 3 weeks? Blood work looked good, but they don't run an hCG level. Doctor told me to call if my numbers don't go down on Friday and they'll give me another round of methotrexate next week. I really don't want that.

TMI, but I think my numbers are finally falling. My bre.asts have been less full and tender and I've started to cramp and bleed. Hopefully it will show in the beta on Friday.

Mid-morning, my baby sister called. She had a rough weekend and was in the ER Sunday night with a gallbladder attack. Which is pretty interesting, since she had her gallbladder out last October! Well, she went to see a specialist up north, and guess what? She's having her gallbladder out AGAIN on April 9th. The specialist says that she still has one, and doesn't know what the doctor here took out! No joke! And if having surgery you already had once isn't bad enough, she paid for her surgery out of pocket in October as she didn't have insurance from her job yet. I feel horrible for her.

I've been struggling at work with idiots. Not many of my co-workers know what's going on, as I don't feel it's really any of their business, plus I've had really negative experiences with some of them with my other losses. But, people are starting to wonder what's going on with me. The people I want to know, know, and they are wonderful. (Minus the manager who is now trying to be my best friend) Sometimes I wish I could just be honest and blurt it out, but I can't really do that without tears. And I hate the pity looks I get, as well.

Tomorrow is a new day. That's what I keep telling myself.