Cycle day one is a day of mixed emotions for me.
I always feel so defeated on cycle day 1, yet I never feel like crying. I'm angry, but at the same time I find myself looking towards hope. Hope that this new cycle will end the way I want it to.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
M. and I had a LONG discussion on what to do now.
Since changing shifts, I can't seem to find a way to attend my acupuncture appointments. She's only in my town 2 days a week, and only from 12:30p to 6pm. I'm working now from 10-6, so our schedules do not jive at all. And she wants me to continue temping.
I'm tired of temping.
M. is tired of me temping. He thinks it causes me undue stress. It probably doesn't help that when I'm temping & charting I over analyze EVERYTHING. Plus, I tend to have beautiful charts that always end the same stinking way. In a BFN. And every month, M. hears me say how she thinks I'm definitely pregnant, due to my chart. Ugh.
So, I think I fired her yesterday via email. Call me a coward if you must, but I didn't know how to call her up and say, "Yeah, I'm not going to see you anymore. Plus my hubby thinks you're a fraud."
Our new plan is to go on a break. You know, try to have a baby the old fashioned way. It probably won't work, but quite frankly, I'm tired of temping, of ovulation predictor kits, and timed s.ex. I want a break.
I need a break.
If nothing happens by March 2009, we'll head back to the RE, and probably get ready to take on IVF.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Negative.
14 DPO.
Temp plummeted today.
Tested anyways, because I still felt the urge to pee on something. Lovely what all this TTC will do to you, isn't it?
BFN.
Still no period.
Temp plummeted today.
Tested anyways, because I still felt the urge to pee on something. Lovely what all this TTC will do to you, isn't it?
BFN.
Still no period.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
No Tears Shed
The first day went well.
She didn't cry. Amazingly, I didn't either.
As M. and I were standing with her in the hall, waiting for the teacher to open the door I started to feel a little panic rising up. All the other kids and their parents were there, milling about. I wasn't prepared to feel judged. (Honestly, I'm sure I wasn't being judged, but the little voices in the back of my mind tend to over exaggerate) Many of the parents had little siblings with them. My mind kept thinking, "She's an only child. How will she relate to these kids!?!" I realized in that tiny hall that SO much is out of my control now. I won't be there to see how she interacts, to help her if she's scared, to pick her up if she falls down. It's out of my hands.
M. took me out to my favorite Italian restaurant for lunch after we dropped Miss O. off. I had a delicious eggplant parm, and a glass of wine. I will admit, it was nice to eat a meal without trying to entertain a little one at the same time.
When we picked her up, she said, "I had a good day."
She didn't cry. Amazingly, I didn't either.
As M. and I were standing with her in the hall, waiting for the teacher to open the door I started to feel a little panic rising up. All the other kids and their parents were there, milling about. I wasn't prepared to feel judged. (Honestly, I'm sure I wasn't being judged, but the little voices in the back of my mind tend to over exaggerate) Many of the parents had little siblings with them. My mind kept thinking, "She's an only child. How will she relate to these kids!?!" I realized in that tiny hall that SO much is out of my control now. I won't be there to see how she interacts, to help her if she's scared, to pick her up if she falls down. It's out of my hands.
M. took me out to my favorite Italian restaurant for lunch after we dropped Miss O. off. I had a delicious eggplant parm, and a glass of wine. I will admit, it was nice to eat a meal without trying to entertain a little one at the same time.
When we picked her up, she said, "I had a good day."
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A New Chapter
I spent all afternoon shopping for an outfit for Miss O. I also looked for one yesterday. Who knew that finding a "First Day of School" outfit would be so hard!?!
My baby is going to preschool tomorrow.
How can that be? I don't know how she can be old enough to go to school. Granted, it's only three afternoons a week...and it's only for 2 and a half hours, but really?
I took the day off of work, so that M. and I can both see her off to school. In the perfect outfit, a purple plaid jumper. Because purple is her favorite color.
I hope I don't cry.
My baby is going to preschool tomorrow.
How can that be? I don't know how she can be old enough to go to school. Granted, it's only three afternoons a week...and it's only for 2 and a half hours, but really?
I took the day off of work, so that M. and I can both see her off to school. In the perfect outfit, a purple plaid jumper. Because purple is her favorite color.
I hope I don't cry.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Explaining My Title, Part Three
Opened up the mailbox today. Out popped a coupon exclaiming, "Your Child is 24 months old."
Yeah, not so much.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And the most obvious explanation of my title has to do with M. and I trying to conceive a sibling for Miss. O.
We started TTC #2 in September of 2005. Miss O. was eighteen months old because we wanted our children to be close in age. Ha ha. Boy, was I wrong in thinking I could control that!
But there was a problem. It's pretty hard to conceive a child when you are not menstruating at ALL. I had stopped breastfeeding when Miss O. was nine months old. Nine months later, no sign of AF. I went to the OB and he said, "Not a problem. Prov.era and Clo.mid are just what you need." His thought was that my hormones were still wacky, and Clo.mid would straighten everything out.
I took it for 2 cycles. M. and I were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant in January of 2006. We had the ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything looked good. A due date of September 15th was given and off we went. Two weeks later, I started spotting on a Sunday night. By the time I got into the Dr. office Monday morning, I knew that I was not going to be having this baby in September.
That's how M. and I ended up at the hospital the day before Valentine's day, and I had a D&C.
Afterwards, I just felt so empty and sad. After researching miscarriage on Dr. Google, I was shocked to realize that perhaps 25% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage. So, we chalked it up to being a one time thing.
Boy, were we wrong.
After a three month wait, we got the go ahead to try again. BFN after BFN, crushed my hope of giving Miss O. a sibling. The end of September came, and yet another BFN. Couldn't believe it.
Then the unthinkable happened. I woke up early one Saturday morning in October 2006, in extreme pain. My abdomen felt like I was having contractions. The pain came in waves. Four hours later in an ER, I found out that I was pregnant. But it was in my tube. I was sent in to emergency surgery and lost my left tube.
Loss #2 and the loss of a tube.
That took a while to get through. But I climbed back up on that TTC horse and kept going. In 2007, I had a pregnancy of unknown location. That took two metho.trex.ate shots and 6 weeks of blood draws to be called over. And a chemical last November.
So, here I am. Five pregnancies, one living child.
Not the path I chose.
Yeah, not so much.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And the most obvious explanation of my title has to do with M. and I trying to conceive a sibling for Miss. O.
We started TTC #2 in September of 2005. Miss O. was eighteen months old because we wanted our children to be close in age. Ha ha. Boy, was I wrong in thinking I could control that!
But there was a problem. It's pretty hard to conceive a child when you are not menstruating at ALL. I had stopped breastfeeding when Miss O. was nine months old. Nine months later, no sign of AF. I went to the OB and he said, "Not a problem. Prov.era and Clo.mid are just what you need." His thought was that my hormones were still wacky, and Clo.mid would straighten everything out.
I took it for 2 cycles. M. and I were over the moon when we found out we were pregnant in January of 2006. We had the ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything looked good. A due date of September 15th was given and off we went. Two weeks later, I started spotting on a Sunday night. By the time I got into the Dr. office Monday morning, I knew that I was not going to be having this baby in September.
That's how M. and I ended up at the hospital the day before Valentine's day, and I had a D&C.
Afterwards, I just felt so empty and sad. After researching miscarriage on Dr. Google, I was shocked to realize that perhaps 25% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage. So, we chalked it up to being a one time thing.
Boy, were we wrong.
After a three month wait, we got the go ahead to try again. BFN after BFN, crushed my hope of giving Miss O. a sibling. The end of September came, and yet another BFN. Couldn't believe it.
Then the unthinkable happened. I woke up early one Saturday morning in October 2006, in extreme pain. My abdomen felt like I was having contractions. The pain came in waves. Four hours later in an ER, I found out that I was pregnant. But it was in my tube. I was sent in to emergency surgery and lost my left tube.
Loss #2 and the loss of a tube.
That took a while to get through. But I climbed back up on that TTC horse and kept going. In 2007, I had a pregnancy of unknown location. That took two metho.trex.ate shots and 6 weeks of blood draws to be called over. And a chemical last November.
So, here I am. Five pregnancies, one living child.
Not the path I chose.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Explaining Part 2
I failed miserably at ICLW this month. *hangs head in shame*
Thank you to all who took the time to check out the digs here at Not The Path I Chose!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Work has kept me away from my blog and from reading others for the last couple of weeks. As much as I wanted to sit down and post, I could not find the time to do so. Adjusting to my new schedule, where I actually spend a little time with my husband has been rough on computer time, too. I'm NOT complaining about that!
Continuing on the post, "Explaining My Title", where I am in my career would also fall into that category.
You see, until last December, I worked as a News Videographer. Yes, I work in "Tee-Vee"! I was the one with the camera on my shoulder, following the reporter around...recording all the video and interviews you would see at home when you watched your local news. I covered whatever I was assigned that day, from council meetings to fires, politics to sports. I did it all. And I loved it. Every day was different and my deadline was 11pm. The next day would start fresh.
Then like most of corporate America, a merger happened. I was told that I would no longer be a News Videographer. Fortunately I still had a job, but it was much different. Instead of being outside the building covering the news, I sat in the newsroom for my eight hours everyday. In a cubicle. Let's just say that I never thought of myself as one to just sit at a desk all day...
For the last eight months I have been going through the motions. I was not enjoying my new job, quite frankly, I felt like a glorified secretary. On the upside, I had a lot of time to surf the web. I stumbled across some IF blogs, and realized I wasn't alone in this journey.
I'm now a news producer. I never thought that after 10 years as a photo, this is what I would be doing. I think I might even like it.
But it was not the path I chose.
Thank you to all who took the time to check out the digs here at Not The Path I Chose!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Work has kept me away from my blog and from reading others for the last couple of weeks. As much as I wanted to sit down and post, I could not find the time to do so. Adjusting to my new schedule, where I actually spend a little time with my husband has been rough on computer time, too. I'm NOT complaining about that!
Continuing on the post, "Explaining My Title", where I am in my career would also fall into that category.
You see, until last December, I worked as a News Videographer. Yes, I work in "Tee-Vee"! I was the one with the camera on my shoulder, following the reporter around...recording all the video and interviews you would see at home when you watched your local news. I covered whatever I was assigned that day, from council meetings to fires, politics to sports. I did it all. And I loved it. Every day was different and my deadline was 11pm. The next day would start fresh.
Then like most of corporate America, a merger happened. I was told that I would no longer be a News Videographer. Fortunately I still had a job, but it was much different. Instead of being outside the building covering the news, I sat in the newsroom for my eight hours everyday. In a cubicle. Let's just say that I never thought of myself as one to just sit at a desk all day...
For the last eight months I have been going through the motions. I was not enjoying my new job, quite frankly, I felt like a glorified secretary. On the upside, I had a lot of time to surf the web. I stumbled across some IF blogs, and realized I wasn't alone in this journey.
I'm now a news producer. I never thought that after 10 years as a photo, this is what I would be doing. I think I might even like it.
But it was not the path I chose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)