Still Here

I wish I had a reason for not blogging since my exciting news, but I don't really.

I've been a little nauseous and very tired, but really that's not an excuse for not writing something.

Instead, I've been living in fear.

Every time I go to the bathroom, I brace myself to see some spotting, a sign of the inevitable end. Sad and pathetic, I know.

I can't stop myself, though.

I want to be positive. I want to believe that this pregnancy is here to stay. I want to be excited and hopeful.

Who wants to be the "debbie downer"? The few people who knew we did IVF this cycle, have asked how it turned out...I tend to say something, like, "Everything is going how we want it to, but it's really early and anything can happen." M. is excited.

I'm more like a see saw. One minute I'm up, convinced that I'm going to have a baby, and the next minute I'm in tears, convinced that it's only a matter of time before I miscarry. I hold my breath with every twinge I feel, wondering if strong cramps will be following.

So, that's what I've been doing...

Second Hurdle Crossed

Well, the second hurdle has been crossed...

Beta #2 came in at 1139!

I think I can start breathing a little.

Dr. Hope doesn't want to see me until December 7th now, for an ultrasound. Eek! I hope I can make it that long!

How it all went down...

Yesterday morning, after getting Miss O. on the bus, M. and I got ready to head in for the beta.

The plan was to have my blood drawn, go out to breakfast, and return an hour later for results. Whatever the news would be, at least we would only have to wait an hour.

My stomach was a ball of nerves, and I couldn't stop shaking. Dr. Hope stopped into the blood work room and asked if we had cheated. "Nope!", I said, thinking I should have taken a test before I came in. For me, though, seeing those 2 lines has never been the problem, it's holding on to the pregnancy that's hard. Once the vial was full, Nurse Peppy sent us on our way, saying, "We'll see you in an hour."

We did go and have breakfast. How I choked anything down is beyond me? I alternated eating a few bites, with running to the bathroom, sure I was going to throw up. I never did, but man, was my stomach churning.

Outside of the office, in the car, M. and I sat for about 15 minutes. I remember looking over to him and wanting to cry, instead I asked him, "Do we have to go in? Can't we just pretend I'm pregnant?" I pleaded with him not to hate me if it was negative. He just kept looking at me and saying, "Whatever happens, I will still love you." God, I love him.

Finally, we headed in.

I don't know why, but I brought in my full sharps container. I think I just figured that if it didn't work, I could just leave it there and not have to see it anymore. M. gave it to the receptionist, while trying to read her face. I just sat down and stared at the floor.

After about 5 minutes, Nurse Peppy opened the waiting room door, I scanned her face, desperate to find some sort of clue. She put her hands on her hips, and said, "Come on back, guys..." I figured it was over, I started to prepare myself for the worst.

Once we both were in her office, she asked why we brought in the sharps container... I think I mumbled something about probably not needing it anymore. Then Nurse Peppy said, "Well, it better go back home with you because you're going to need it!", with a big smile. The next few minutes are a blur, I remember hearing the beta number (669!), jumping up and hugging her! She told me maybe I should hug M. first, so I hugged him. Then the tears started.

After I calmed down, we talked about how this is just one hurdle for me.

Yes, we have a positive beta.

Next step is a repeat beta tomorrow, on Wednesday.

I can't allow myself to think too far ahead, not yet. That's what 5 consecutive losses will do to you.

BUT for right now, we're celebrating!

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Thank you ALL for all of your thoughts, prayers, and congratulations!

I have no idea how I could have gotten through the last few months without your support.

You rock! :)

Beta Day!

This has to be quick, as I have to run off to work, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging....

Beta this morning at 14dp3dt was, 669!

7.

Seven has always been my lucky number.

M. and I have been married seven years.

Miss O. was born on March seventh.

Seven of my eggs fertilized.

Hopefully, this will be pregnancy number seven.

Seven.

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Beta is Monday morning.

Red & White

About a month ago, M. and I went away for the weekend.

I had just started my Lu.pron and this cycle, and we wanted a chance to reconnect before the craziness would start. We didn't go far, just a few hours north, where all we had planned was where we were staying, visiting a few wineries, and hanging out.

It was just what we needed.

The weather was beautiful, and we spent the first afternoon visiting wineries. At my favorite winery, we even bought a glass of wine each and some cheese and crackers, went outside and spent some time overlooking Lake Erie in the distance. The glass of white is mine and was a light, crisp wine called "Delaware". M.'s glass is a sweet, sweet red called, "Cat Rouge", that he just loved.

We spent time just talking. Talking without being interrupted. Walking the grounds, where we stayed, just enjoying each others company. We took a nap, if we were tired. We saw a movie that wasn't G rated.

There was no rush, no distractions, just us.

Honestly, I can say that it was the first time, in at least a year, that I didn't have my infertility at the forefront of my mind.

Of course, we talked about the cycle a little...

BUT for a weekend, I didn't feel pressure. I didn't worry about the "what ifs".

I just enjoyed my husband and reconnected.

And bought a LOT of wine ;)

Helpless

I feel utterly helpless.

My little sis and her husband underwent their respective surgeries yesterday.

Her egg retrieval went well....13 mature eggs.

His T.E.S.E...found nothing.

NOTHING.

They even unthawed what little they found in his May surgery.

Nothing usable.

NOTHING.

I can't even imagine how she's feeling.

Devastated doesn't even begin to explain how she sounded on the phone. She says she can't get a read on how he feels.

It's so unfair.

They only held off on the cancer treatments for this ONE shot.

And they got NOTHING.

I'm at such a loss to support her...

What would you do?

Blogger's Block

Something about my mind being consumed with alternating thoughts of "Am I pregnant?" and "There's no way I'm pregnant!" is blocking any form of a blog post.

Seriously.

Every minute I change my mind on how I feel. Every minute.

As for symptoms...I've got a little bit of nausea, some lower back aches, and sore bre.asts. All of these symptoms could be nothing more than the PIO shots.

Speaking of those awesome PIO shots, Saturday night, after M. finished injecting the proges.terone, he was shocked by a fountain of blood! You should have seen his face...just sheer panic! It didn't hurt, but I don't think he believed me. He must have hit a blood vessel, because it took a while to stop the bleeding. I was a little worried about how much oil leaked out, but last night's shot went just fine.

This time next week, I'll be heading in for my beta.

One more week.

Back To Work

I headed back to work today to finish off the work week. I figured I would ease myself back into the working world by working 2 days and then having the weekend off.

My worries this morning, we how people would react to my return. Some at work know what we did, some don't. I didn't know what I would say, if someone asked me how I was feeling.

On Monday, one of my close friends, let me know that there was some rumor about me needing my appendix out....Newsrooms are such gossip mills!

It wasn't too bad, although one co-worker actually came over, sat down and said, "Are you pregnant?"! I about fell out of my chair, and I think I said something like, "Uh, yeah...until proven otherwise." Weird.

I'm feeling okay, a little queasy the last 2 days, which I'm sure is from the PIO shots. Only other thing was a lower back ache most of today...hopefully the embies are getting nice and comfy!

12 days until beta.

Introducing...

..."the kids"!

Yesterday was transfer day. M. and I made the drive up to the big city in the afternoon silently. I don't think either of us said 10 words to the other! My biggest fear was that we'd get there and they would tell us that none of the embryos had made it. I know that they would have called, but that's what my crazy mind was telling me.

I drank my recommended water in the car, and was already uncomfortable as we pulled into the parking lot. Once in the office, we went back to the same room we prepped for my ER in, and filled in on what was going to happen. The nurse looked at M., and said, "Well, no one told me how big you were! I'll have to go get another jumpsuit!", and promptly left the room. We looked at each other, and started to laugh. She brought back one of those blue paper jumpsuits which still barely came down to his ankles. M. is 6'4" to my 5'3" frame...

Once we were properly clothed, they wheeled us into the OR for the transfer. We both found it so interesting to see everything...the embies on the TV monitor, the catheter sucking them up, the ultrasound and my uterus. Other than my really full bladder, it didn't hurt at all.

45 minutes after laying flat on my back, it was time to go.

I was really surprised by how relieved I felt walking out the door. M. did, too and we talked about it on the way home. All the stress came from making sure we did everything we could to get to transfer.

It's truly out of our hands now. Nothing we do can change the outcome.

Meanwhile, I've been talking to "the kids", trying to convince them that my ute is a very comfortable place to hang for the next 9 months.

Beta day is the 16th.

And 7 Became...

5.

We have 5 beautiful embies still growing as of this morning.

Transfer is set for 2:15pm tomorrow.