A Dull Ache; {NIAW}

Awareness.

Making people talk.

Facts vs. Fiction.

There are so many "awareness" weeks for so many causes out there. Practically every week during the year is attached to some sort of cause, or rememberance.

I might have three children now, but NIAW, or National Infertility Awareness Week, is one that will never fade out of my view.

For me, infertility is not that raw, gaping, open wound that is was for so many years. When we were in the depths of our secondary infertility, I was consumed by it. Everything I did revolved around where I was in my cycle. I made decisions depending on whether or not I *might* be pregnant or have a newborn. It touched every single part of my life.

It's more like a dull ache now.

Everyday, multiple times a day, I look at the twins and think, "I am so lucky".

For me, infertility will always be a part of me. I'm not cured because I have the twins, I'm just even more thankful for them.

This year, I took a deep breath, and actually spoke to my MOPS group about infertility. It was scary, but I'm glad I did it. I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I did while we were struggling.

I put a face to infertility, and I hope I helped someone by doing so.

Always Late to the Party

Hello. *waves*

It's been a while.

A long while.

My last post was in December. I only posted 3o-some times in 2011. 30-some times for the whole YEAR.

Sad.

I had grand plans of making sure I posted more in January. Actually started a year-end/look ahead post but I didn't get much further than a few lines. Turns out it's really overwhelming to try and figure out what to say or not say when you haven't been blogging much.

Kinda like the proverbial snowball gathering snow as it rolls downhill. Not that we've had much snow this year...it's 55 degrees out today!

Instead, for the last month I've opened and closed that post without hitting publish more times than I'd like to admit. After the middle of the month passed, I wondered why I was still trying to write it at all.

It is a month into 2012, after all.

I've decided to give up on that post, but not my blog.

Here's a quick synopsis of what's going on here at Not The Path I Chose:

• I'm still a SAHM, still adjusting to not having a "job".
• Miss O. will be turning 8 in March. Crazy!
• The twins, aka Big Boy and Pretty Girl, are 18 months old and BUSY.
• I picked up some freelance work that is allowing me to work from home, and earn a little bit of money. Tiny money, honestly, but I'm hoping the work will lead to bigger things.
• I'm also venturing into the world of independent sales with a fun company. This weekend I'm heading out to a Tast.efully Sim.ple conference, to get some ideas on how to launch my business.
• I had the opportunity to talk about my secondary IF at my "moms" group.
  
• My goo.gle reader is finally almost current. I've been reading up, trying to catch up on everyone. The twins finally napping at the same time helps with this!

For 2012, my list of things I want to do/accomplish is pretty cliche. I'll spare you the list, but it includes creating and sticking to a budget, losing some more weight, reconnecting with friends, blogging more and maybe participating in a triathlon.

Time will tell.

So, I might be a month late, but I'm hoping 2012 is a great year for all of us!

Bittersweet

Here it is the last week of December.

Unreal.

Even though I feel like the year has flown by, the last 2 months have really gone by the fastest.

Today is the 27th of December.

For the first time since I started this blog, almost 4 (crazy!) years ago, I didn't post on the 18th or the 22nd of December. Both days I thought about it, wanted to sit down and type, but I never had the chance.

On the 18th, we remembered my mother's death 8 years ago.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that she has been gone that long...

I swear that if Miss O. wasn't going to turn 8 in March, that I just wouldn't be able to believe it!

The 22nd would have been her 63rd birthday.

Since she died, the holidays have always been bittersweet for me. Christmas was her favorite holiday, yet with her death so close to it, I've struggled with getting into the spirit, until after that day passes.

It always seems so wrong to be happy, to look forward to such joy, when I know that that sad day is looming before I can let my guard down and feel excited.

Every year, the sadness that surrounds the 18th lessens just a little bit.

In fact, I can honestly say, that this year instead of waking up with a feeling of dread that it was the 18th...I woke up and smiled.

I smiled because I chose to remember all the good times I had with my mother, to fill my mind with wonderful memories, instead of letting my mind only focus on that last day I had with her.

I still shed a few tears...but I think she would have been proud of me.

It's December!?!

The calendar says that today is December 1st.

Seriously!?!

I find that hard to believe, but I guess I have to trust that it's right.

November flew by. Way too fast.

NaBloPoMo was a big fail for me. Sounded like a good idea at the time, but totally unrealistic.

The truth is the twins are busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

I honestly can't take my eyes off of them for a minute while they are awake.

Not one minute.

For example, yesterday evening I was in the kitchen putting together dinner. I had let the twins in with me, and they were walking around the kitchen and playing with plastic containers. I was mixing up dinner, and just turned away from Big Boy for a minute.

BANG! What was that!?!

Big Boy is now bawling, sitting on the tile floor grabbing at his toes...next to him is a bottle of vinegar.

Somehow in the 30 seconds I looked away, he got into the pantry, grabbed the bottle of vinegar and dropped it on his foot.

Poor little guy.

This is why my blog is being ignored. This is why I never have time to comment on blog posts anymore.

It's okay, though.

I know that this is such a short time in their lives. Everyday they get a little more independent, grow a little bigger. They won't be little for long.

So what if I have over 200 posts in my reader to read? Who cares if I take over a month to read a magazine? Or that I can only log in to fac.ebook maybe once a week?

I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.