After a weekend of unplugging myself from my tech lifelines, I'm trying to catch up with my life again. It was a much needed and enjoyed break, but I always feel like I'm behind once I plug back in! So much has happened in the last few days...this is probably going to be a very fragmented post.
~ My hubby rocks! I really don't know what I would do without him. All the reasons he rocks will be peppered throughout this post...but I'll start with Saturday. He called my sister, without me knowing, and set up for her to have a sleepover with Miss O. Saturday night. He then called up some friends, and by the time he came home from work, he had a whole evening planned for me.
~ Saturday night was very nice. We crossed the state line, and headed to a racino south of us. I've never watched horse racing in person, just on TV. We ate dinner overlooking the racetrack, and even placed a few bets. Good food, good drinks, good company, all led to a really good time!
~ Sunday was my birthday. Happy birthday to me!
~ I spent my birthday doing to things that I love. First, we trekked to IK.EA, where I got my semi-annual fix. Secondly, we met my best friend from college and her husband for an awesome meal of Thai. Mmmm. That is the one kind of food that I can't get where I live. An hour drive each way was totally worth it.
~ My birthday present? A Cricut! I'm an avid scrapbooker and SO excited that I actually have one! It's the only present I received, as M and my sister went in together on it, but I don't care. Yay!
~ Monday was a pretty crappy day. I woke up with a head cold. Thank you, oppressed immune system! Had my blood drawn for another hCG count, and it was up, again. Argh! Are you kidding? Monday's numbers? 323.
~ M went out Monday night, and brought me home brownies. Not just any brownie but the gourmet variety. One was a cookies & cream, one peanut butter cup, and one carmel turtle. Considering I didn't have any birthday cake, I enjoyed a piece of all three!
How was your weekend?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Signs
Not the kind that you use to get around town, but the bigger ones, the kind you interpret as the universe or someone sending you.
I have always been on the lookout for signs.
Why not? Wouldn't life be a little easier if the answer you're looking for would just fall from the sky?
As I grow older, I realize there is very little about life that is black and white. As a child, you believe that doing X+Y=Z. You finish school, meet your soul mate, have good jobs, start a family. It should be that simple. But life isn't like that.
I like to think of myself as an optimist. You know, who always looks for the silver lining in a situation. Honestly, though, this week has been tough. I can't seem to find that glimmer of shine I've been straining my eyes to see. All I see right now is grey, almost like a fog.
My mind is starting to wonder if this last loss is a sign.
The sign to give up.
Really, the odds are definitely stacked against me at this point. Six pregnancies, five losses, one child. With every loss, I am at awe that I even have Miss O. I hug her a little tighter each time, as my heart breaks. I wonder if I'm being selfish because I want another. But part of that urge is FOR Miss O. I want her to have a brother or sister.
Do you believe in signs? And, how do you know when it's time to give up?
I have always been on the lookout for signs.
Why not? Wouldn't life be a little easier if the answer you're looking for would just fall from the sky?
As I grow older, I realize there is very little about life that is black and white. As a child, you believe that doing X+Y=Z. You finish school, meet your soul mate, have good jobs, start a family. It should be that simple. But life isn't like that.
I like to think of myself as an optimist. You know, who always looks for the silver lining in a situation. Honestly, though, this week has been tough. I can't seem to find that glimmer of shine I've been straining my eyes to see. All I see right now is grey, almost like a fog.
My mind is starting to wonder if this last loss is a sign.
The sign to give up.
Really, the odds are definitely stacked against me at this point. Six pregnancies, five losses, one child. With every loss, I am at awe that I even have Miss O. I hug her a little tighter each time, as my heart breaks. I wonder if I'm being selfish because I want another. But part of that urge is FOR Miss O. I want her to have a brother or sister.
Do you believe in signs? And, how do you know when it's time to give up?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Stick Me Baby
This morning did not start out the way I intended.
My appointment at the Blood and Cancer Center was slated for bright and early at 8am. M. was planning to come with me to hold my hand, and Miss O. was heading to daycare, since children aren't really welcome there. I thought I had it all planned out, and then we ALL slept in. As I rolled out of bed, I looked at the clock and couldn't believe my eyes. It was 7:30, and we were all still in bed. Oops.
Somehow, we managed to only be about 5 minutes late for my appointment. First up, getting weighed. Yeah, add some more insult to injury. Then blood work, my goodness, I'm really starting to feel like a pincushion. Like most busy medical offices, I finally saw a doctor after about an hour. I had to meet with one of the doctors, before they would administer the methotrexate. Dr. G. was a kind, older man with an accent. He kept asking me if I was sure that I had 5 previous pregnancies and losses. Oddly, I never cried. It was almost like I've run out of tears. After much discussion, he set out to do a quick physical. M. and I had a hard time not laughing when he pulled out a flashlight, the kind you would find in a toolbox, and shined it in my eyes. He then told me to follow the light with my eyes. How could you not, I thought. Then he asked to see my teeth? Eh, at least he was kind.
From there, I was moved to the chemo room, where I was given an oral pill to help with nausea, as the nurse got the 2 shots ready. One for each hip. Equal opportunity, I suppose. Ouch, they stung more than I remembered. And that was it. All that buildup for 2 shots.
I've spent the majority of the afternoon on my couch with the heating pad, trying to stave off the stiffness and ache I feel creeping in. I'm drinking lots of fluids, as suggested, and catching up on what's on my DVR.
Now we wait.
My appointment at the Blood and Cancer Center was slated for bright and early at 8am. M. was planning to come with me to hold my hand, and Miss O. was heading to daycare, since children aren't really welcome there. I thought I had it all planned out, and then we ALL slept in. As I rolled out of bed, I looked at the clock and couldn't believe my eyes. It was 7:30, and we were all still in bed. Oops.
Somehow, we managed to only be about 5 minutes late for my appointment. First up, getting weighed. Yeah, add some more insult to injury. Then blood work, my goodness, I'm really starting to feel like a pincushion. Like most busy medical offices, I finally saw a doctor after about an hour. I had to meet with one of the doctors, before they would administer the methotrexate. Dr. G. was a kind, older man with an accent. He kept asking me if I was sure that I had 5 previous pregnancies and losses. Oddly, I never cried. It was almost like I've run out of tears. After much discussion, he set out to do a quick physical. M. and I had a hard time not laughing when he pulled out a flashlight, the kind you would find in a toolbox, and shined it in my eyes. He then told me to follow the light with my eyes. How could you not, I thought. Then he asked to see my teeth? Eh, at least he was kind.
From there, I was moved to the chemo room, where I was given an oral pill to help with nausea, as the nurse got the 2 shots ready. One for each hip. Equal opportunity, I suppose. Ouch, they stung more than I remembered. And that was it. All that buildup for 2 shots.
I've spent the majority of the afternoon on my couch with the heating pad, trying to stave off the stiffness and ache I feel creeping in. I'm drinking lots of fluids, as suggested, and catching up on what's on my DVR.
Now we wait.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Panic Attacks
Thank you all for your support and concern.
I really, really appreciate it. I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful community that "gets" it. That said, I've made a decision about this pregnancy and I would request that you respect my decision, even if you don't agree with it.
::::::::::::::::::::
After a long discussion with M., my RE, and my OB/GYN I will be going forward with the methotrexate tomorrow morning. We all have concluded that it's probably the best step now.
The facts are I only have one tube left. I lost the other to a ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. I can sit and wait it out, but honestly, EVERY day that I do that, I chance the health of my tube. I've been a wreck for the last day and a half, my heart has been racing and I'm questioning ANY twinge I have on my right side.
I'm just heartbroken, but I know that this is what I need to do.
I really, really appreciate it. I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful community that "gets" it. That said, I've made a decision about this pregnancy and I would request that you respect my decision, even if you don't agree with it.
::::::::::::::::::::
After a long discussion with M., my RE, and my OB/GYN I will be going forward with the methotrexate tomorrow morning. We all have concluded that it's probably the best step now.
The facts are I only have one tube left. I lost the other to a ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. I can sit and wait it out, but honestly, EVERY day that I do that, I chance the health of my tube. I've been a wreck for the last day and a half, my heart has been racing and I'm questioning ANY twinge I have on my right side.
I'm just heartbroken, but I know that this is what I need to do.
Monday, March 23, 2009
And It Continues...
This morning's draw? 223. Ugh.
This led to a long conversation with the RE this morning. He's recommending methotrexate. Says that the pregnancy is now textbook for it being in my only remaining tube. It's growing, but not enough, and that's what happens when it's tubal.
I'm just sick.
This isn't my first go around with this chemotherapy drug. That's right, it's a chemo drug. Almost 2 years ago, I had a miscarriage that started. I bleed and my numbers were going down. They were monitoring the numbers until they returned to zero. Except, they started going back up, after hitting a low of 16. From BFP to finally getting a clean bill of health, it took 2 months.
Two months of bleeding, bi-weekly blood draws, and too many doctor appointments to count. I joke that was the pregnancy that wouldn't end.
I'm waiting for the doc to call me back with the details of when I'll go in to receive the methotrexate. I'm not looking forward to it. Last time, I had lots of nausea, was exhausted, and had painful mouth sores. Good times.
I'm so tired.
This led to a long conversation with the RE this morning. He's recommending methotrexate. Says that the pregnancy is now textbook for it being in my only remaining tube. It's growing, but not enough, and that's what happens when it's tubal.
I'm just sick.
This isn't my first go around with this chemotherapy drug. That's right, it's a chemo drug. Almost 2 years ago, I had a miscarriage that started. I bleed and my numbers were going down. They were monitoring the numbers until they returned to zero. Except, they started going back up, after hitting a low of 16. From BFP to finally getting a clean bill of health, it took 2 months.
Two months of bleeding, bi-weekly blood draws, and too many doctor appointments to count. I joke that was the pregnancy that wouldn't end.
I'm waiting for the doc to call me back with the details of when I'll go in to receive the methotrexate. I'm not looking forward to it. Last time, I had lots of nausea, was exhausted, and had painful mouth sores. Good times.
I'm so tired.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Stop This Train...
I wanna get off!
hCG levels on Friday...124.
No where near where they should be for almost 6 weeks gestation. My spotting has stopped. Since the levels went up from Tuesday, RE is worried about my only tube. This is becoming a nightmare.
I will be redrawn on Monday.
Thank you to everyone who has been stopping by and offering such kind words and support. It means SO much to me. I'm very thankful to have found this community.
hCG levels on Friday...124.
No where near where they should be for almost 6 weeks gestation. My spotting has stopped. Since the levels went up from Tuesday, RE is worried about my only tube. This is becoming a nightmare.
I will be redrawn on Monday.
::::::::::::::::::::
Thank you to everyone who has been stopping by and offering such kind words and support. It means SO much to me. I'm very thankful to have found this community.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Pack It Up
My morning routine is pretty simple. Shower, dress, minimal make-up, blow dry my hair. That's about it. I try to look good, but I don't stress over it. Total time spent on getting me ready? About 20-25 minutes.
It took me over an hour today.
I must have changed my clothes at LEAST six times. Nothing fits. None of my button down shirts will button over my incredibly swollen chest. If I find something that fits my chest, it's too tight around my middle, which is SO bloated. I'm ready to pack up my entire closet and give it away.
My face is quickly becoming a mess, too. My forehead is breaking out, and nothing seems to be helping. So, not only do I feel like crap, I look like crap, as well. No amount of make-up can cover up the bumpiness, I swear it only amplifies it.
Looking in the mirror is an insult, honestly. I'm already disgusted with my body's failures at holding on to a pregnancy, and that's before I see what is staring back at me. Puffy, red eyes from crying, an acne filled forehead, buttons straining to fly open, and rolls on my stomach.
Oh, and I started spotting this morning.
It took me over an hour today.
I must have changed my clothes at LEAST six times. Nothing fits. None of my button down shirts will button over my incredibly swollen chest. If I find something that fits my chest, it's too tight around my middle, which is SO bloated. I'm ready to pack up my entire closet and give it away.
My face is quickly becoming a mess, too. My forehead is breaking out, and nothing seems to be helping. So, not only do I feel like crap, I look like crap, as well. No amount of make-up can cover up the bumpiness, I swear it only amplifies it.
Looking in the mirror is an insult, honestly. I'm already disgusted with my body's failures at holding on to a pregnancy, and that's before I see what is staring back at me. Puffy, red eyes from crying, an acne filled forehead, buttons straining to fly open, and rolls on my stomach.
Oh, and I started spotting this morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)