Explaining My Title

I've been thinking lately that I need to explain the title I chose for my blog.

The obvious reason is my fight with secondary infertility and my recurrent pregnancy losses, but there is more to it. Mostly, it sums up how I feel about my life in general.

Way back when, before I understood anything about IF or miscarriage, I was blissfully pregnant with Miss O. She is my miracle baby...as M. and I conceived her *looks around* the first month we tried. *ducks*

We waited until twelve weeks to tell our family. We planned it all out, and had our parents & grandparents over for a picnic. I had searched for baby frames for our ultrasound picture and wrapped up the frames. After everyone had finished eating, M. and I gave our respective mothers their gift. M.'s mom unwrapped hers and looked quizzical at us, but my mom, being an OB nurse, immediately recognized what the picture was and jumped up excitedly. "I'm going to be a grandma!", she cried.

That is one of my favorite memories of my mom.

Mom was diagnosed with Stage III, C, ovarian cancer in May of 1999. I couldn't believe it. I was one year out of college...how could my mom be dying? The survival rate for her stage was only a 25% chance of being alive in 5 years. What crappy odds.

I was 7 months pregnant with Miss O., when I realized that my mom wasn't going to meet her first grand baby. For almost 5 years, she had undergone two major de-bulking surgeries, countless chemotherapy treatments, and plenty of holistic & natural treatments. But the cancer was starting to win. She couldn't keep any food or liquid down anymore, and her latest MRI had shown a new tumor that was filling her abdomen. The doctors said they had done all they could.

I had my baby shower on Sunday, December 14th, 2003. We held it at my mom's house with family and only her closest friends. At this point, hospice was visiting my mom daily. It was a wonderful day. Mom even made it out to the living room to see me open my gifts. I'll never forget that afternoon that was bittersweet in so many ways. The celebrating of a new life that was coming...as another life was coming to an end.

Mom passed away that Thursday night, December 18th...just four days shy of her 55th birthday. Near the end, I asked her if she wanted to know what I was having. M. and I were not finding out, but I knew my doctor would write it down for me if she wanted to know. I remember her saying, "No, I'll meet the baby soon enough."

I don't doubt that she did.

Miss O. made her grand entrance into this world on March 7, 2003. I sure didn't plan on being a new mom without a mom.

It was not a path I would have chose.

School Days

"Sign your name, walk over to the table with blue folders, and sit down at the folder with your child's name on it."

And with that, I felt like I was back in school. Parent orientation for Miss O.'s preschool. This is the first year that she will be attending. Overwhelmed? Just a little.

For the next hour, I listened to two very sweet teachers tell me everything I need to know for the school year. When share day is, what is allowed for snacks, and when to bring paper towels and tissues in. In the folder, a ton of paper work, and at least 4 activities that I need to do with Miss O. before school starts on the 8th.

Homework, already? It's preschool!

I don't think I'm ready for this...

Ramblings

The weekend is over.

I survived...but barely.

Why, why, why would you ask the resident infertile how to get pregnant? I know I have Miss O., but really!?! I haven't figured out how to have another one, and I'm pretty open about that fact. I'm sorry that you've been trying for the last three months and that it hasn't happened. *sigh* It has been 36 LONG months here, thank you very much.

OK, whine session over. Anyone have any cheese? (oh, yeah I'm still off dairy)

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I'm an idiot.

I've been doing the whole Castor oil on wool under a heating pad thing that my acupuncture lady suggested. Last night while watching the closing ceremony for the Olympics, I thought my belly felt a little too warm. Kinda burning, even. Did I take the heating pad off? No, I suffered through it.

Well, my C-section scar is NOT happy. Warning, this is pretty gross...but I've managed to burn my scar. Yes, I have 3 blisters running across the scar...eww. It has to be because that scar is super sensitive, because it's only on my scar. No burns anywhere else on my abdomen.

Stupid.

TGIF!

The weekend is finally here.

After a week that seemed to go on forever, I'm not expecting any rest this weekend. *sigh*

Saturday is another bridal shower for another college friend. I really thought that ten years removed from school that this part of my life would be over. Instead, I have 2 girlfriends from college getting married on the SAME day in October. I still haven't figured out how to make that work yet. Sunday is a family function with the in-laws. Need I say more?

And Monday starts the vicious cycle all over again.

My g.oogle re.ader is feeling horribly ignored, and I'm behind on ICLW already, and it's only day two. I'm off to catch up and leave some comments!

Hanging On

*Whew*

I think I can take a minute and catch my breath now...maybe even complete a post.


The last few days have been stressful. Between Aunt Flo showing up unwanted; to starting a new shift AND new job duties, I'm barely keeping my head above water. I know that within a week I'll be much more comfortable in my new position, leading me to feel more confident and secure.

So far, I am LOVING my new hours. For ten and a half years, over a decade of my life, I have worked some form of afternoon turn...3p-11p, 2p-10p, even 1p-9p. I have only eaten meals with my husband on Sunday nights. I've never really been a part of Miss O.'s bedtime routine. I am now working 10a-6p. Woo-hoo! I have a "normal" person's schedule. We ate dinner as a family at the dining room table (what a concept!) for the last two nights. Miss O. was a little confused the first night, "Mommy, why are we eating at the table?" Talk about feeling guilty!?!

I feel good about these changes. I think it's the right thing at the right time for our little family. I just hope this good feeling sticks around for a little bit!

I Should Have Known...

Cycle Day 1.

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It's been a crazy couple of days. I have plenty of posts running around in my head, but no time to type them out.

Scared Pee-less!

I am scared to test.


I don't think I have EVER been scared to test.

It's not like this is the end of the road or anything. M. and I have a deal to keep trying thru the end of the year, just us and acupuncture. If we are not pregnant with a sticky pregnancy by January 1, 2009, we will re-evaluate the situation, and probably go back to the RE.


I don't agree with my "O" date on FF, I'm just too lazy to override it. I'm almost positive "O" was on 8/2, which makes me 13DPO tomorrow. My LP usually runs anywhere from 12 to 14 days.

What to do, what to do....


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And to my stalker(s)...thank you SO much for all the good wishes, prayers, everything!