Surviving...

...barely.

Lots of cobwebs around these parts lately.

Posts float around in my head all day long, yet every time I sit down in front of the computer, I can only manage to type out about ten words before a baby cries. At night, while I'm nursing, I'm reading blogs, but it's hard to type comments from my i.pod...I have great intentions of returning to posts during the daylight hours to comment, but they never transpire. So, please know that I'm still reading, and hope to offer support to you soon!

I'm on borrowed time, so I'll update in bullet form...hopefully I can get it all out before I'm needed!

• Big Boy & Pretty Girl are just over 3 months old! I have a 3 month post in the works, but we'll see if it ever is completed.
• Sleep is a becoming a problem again. After sleeping pretty good for about a month and a half, the twins have started to wake up many times a night...I'm surviving on copious amounts of caffeine.
• It sucks that you can have lost all your baby weight, yet NONE of your pre-baby pants fit.
• Pretty Girl loves to coo at anyone or anything. Her little voice is so sweet and she looks at you like she's carrying on a conversation.
• Big Boy rolled over from his belly to his back on Sunday. He hates "tummy time" and if I put him on his tummy, he immediately rolls over to his back now.
• I'm planning a baby shower for my sister with all my "free time".
• Strangers like to ask me, "If I'm sure..." about how old the twins are after I tell them. Yes, I gave birth to them, I'm pretty sure I know how old they are.
• My time nursing Big Boy is quickly coming to an end. He only nurses in the middle of the night now, and last night he nursed at 3am, yet woke up screaming at 4:30am starved and refused the br.east. I gave in and gave him a bottle and he slept until after 8.
• I miss exercise. I've yet to find time to do so.
• M. is a super dad! Last Wednesday night, he sent me off to a Mothers of Twins meeting...knowing that Pretty Girl won't take a bottle. He managed to get all three to bed, allowing me to stay away from home for 3 hours! And he got her to take 2 oz. of EBM from a bottle.
• Medical bills suck.
• Halloween costumes have been selected. Miss O. will be Tink.er.bell and the twins are going to be 2 peas in a pod.

Well, Pretty Girl is starting to fuss...my time is up!

Drum Roll, please...

Big Boy's weight this week...

8 pounds, 3 ounces!!!

He gained almost a pound in a week! Now, he had a 4 ounce bottle about a half hour before the appointment, I couldn't hold him off, he was hungry...but he definitely put on some good weight.

Doctor was happy, said to keep doing what we're doing.

That made this Momma happy and allowed her to relax a little. I think the LC's and doctor were right, he just was working too hard trying to nurse all day long, and needed to not expend as many calories as he was taking in.

Over the last week, Big Boy has been such a happy baby. Unless he's really hungry, he hasn't really fussed at all. Seeing smiles and hearing him coo have really made me feel like we've made the best choice at this point. And, I still nurse him at least once a day, so I have a little of that special time, too.

Pumping is going better, but I don't know if I'll ever pump enough for him to get full bottles of breast milk. I'm going to continue to try for that goal, but I realize now that either way he'll be okay.

What's important is that he's getting some breast milk, he's happy, and he's growing.

I can't ask for much more than that.

Half and Half...

...or the best of both worlds.

Thursday's doctor appointment went just as I expected.

Pretty girl looks good, weighing in at just under 10 pounds.

Big Boy, not so much. He weighed in at 7 lbs., 5 oz., not even gaining a full pound in the last 6 weeks.

My doc was wonderful about the whole thing, explaining that perhaps he's burning off just as many calories trying to nurse as he's taking in. He also stated that after the first 2 months of breastfeeding, you've transferred all the good stuff to the babies. Now, it's just about calories, so that they can grow.

The decision was to have Big Boy start bottle feeding. I'm giving him 2 ounces of formula and 2 ounces of breast milk every 3 hours during the day. At night, I'm free to nurse him at demand. I'm not going to lie, I shed quite a few tears on Thursday.

That's the plan.

I'm pumping the side that he would have nursed on, trying to keep my supply up and build up my freezer stash again. I'd really like to be able to have enough breast milk to drop the formula at some point, so that's the goal I'm working towards right now.

So far, it's gone better than I expected. He takes a bottle very well and is done feeding within 15 minutes, unlike his 40 minute nursing marathons. I'm shocked at how much wetter his diapers are! He always had wet and dirty dipes, but now there is no doubt when he's peed. Overall, he's a happier baby, smiling and cooing more, too. (At first, this led to more Mommy guilt, but I'm working on it)

We'll head in on Thursday to have him weighed again.

Slowly Sinking...

I feel like I'm losing the battle here.

After all of your wonderful suggestions last week to my cry for help in Got Milk?, I called up the hospital LC and talked to her about Big Boy and his slow weight gain. She reassured me that it's not my milk, as Pretty Girl is gaining well, but something on Big Boy's end. Her theory is that he's smaller, and probably tuckering out before he gets to the calorie dense hind milk. The suggestion was to pump after feedings and give him the expressed milk by bottle.

Sounded like a plan to me.

Like all best laid plans, though, it's not working that well.

It worked great the first few days, and Big Boy was scarfing down an extra 8 ounces of breast milk a day.

After their morning feedings, I tend to get anywhere from 4 to 7 ounces, not too shabby. As the day wears on, my output drops off sharply. I'm lucky to get an ounce after a feeding by mid-afternoon. Sadly, the last 2 mornings, I've only managed to pump about 3 ounces in the morning.

Then there is the bottle issue...

Big Boy definitely eats better from a bottle. He's very lazy at the breast and is becoming even more lazy. Every day I try to wean him from the nipple shield, but now he won't even attempt to latch with out it! I can't tell you how many tears he (and I) have shed with him screaming at my breast in the last week.

Yesterday, in desperation, I stopped tandem nursing them for most of the day. When I took him and nursed him by himself, he seemed to latch better, and was satisfied longer following those feedings. I'm starting to wonder if it's the football hold positioning that I use to tandem nurse that doesn't work as well for him. His weight gain slowing down does coincide with me finally getting the hang of tandem nursing. Well, I thought we had gotten the hang of it.

The problem with splitting up the nursing sessions is time, and the fact that the baby not being feed is usually hungry somewhere within the other's nursing session. The same thing with pumping after feedings...I do nothing but feed or pump all.day.long.

This makes me feel guilty. Guilty that nursing isn't working for us. Guilty that I'm not interacting in any other way with my children. Guilty that I'm pumping. Guilty that I may have been leaving Big Boy hungry, misinterpreting his cries. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Guilt is an awful thing.

I don't want to stop breast feeding.

I don't want Pretty Girl to only get the benefits.

I don't want to put Big Boy on formula.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what *I* want.

I have to do what is best for the babies. So, I've increased my liquids, eating bowlfuls of oatmeal, drinking "Mother's Milk" tea, and adding fenugreek.

All the while I feel like I'm on a sinking ship, and I can't bail out the water fast enough.

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Thank you for all your suggestions.

Seriously.

You don't know how much they have helped. Without them, and your support, I probably would have given up nursing Big Boy last week.

Thank you.

Got Milk?

Sorry to interrupt the horrible amount of blogging that has been going on here lately.
I have quite a few posts in the works, but today I just need to put this out there.

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Got Milk?

Or is there enough milk?

Long story short, the twins have been exclusively breastfed since birth.

I think each of them has had less than 2 ounces of formula each. I'm not against formula, in fact Miss O. was fed breast milk exclusively through 3 months, then was fed formula while I was at work, and breastfed when I was with her. It worked for us. I went into this pregnancy hoping to produce enough for both babies, but open to the idea that if I couldn't we would supplement.

I just want my babies to be healthy.

Pretty Girl is doing great. She's a champion nurser who will nurse anywhere at any time. At 1 week she weighed 5 lbs, 8 oz., at 6 weeks 7 lbs, 8 oz., and last night at 1o weeks, 10 lbs, 2 oz.

Big Boy is concerning me. We're still nursing with a nipple shield, as he gets hysterical if I try to get him to latch without it, yet takes forever to get latched. Once he's got it, he's great...but sometimes it takes 10 minutes or more to get there. His weights are not as impressive, either. At 1 week, he weighed in at 5 lbs, 4 oz., at 6 weeks 6 lbs, 8oz., and 10 weeks was 7 lbs, 4 oz.

His weight gain has slowed waaaaaaayyyyy down. Around 6 weeks was when I finally got the hang of tandem nursing them...or so I thought. Now, I'm just worried that he's not getting enough milk.

He has plenty of wet and dirty diapers a day. He's nursing 8 to 12 times a day. What else can I do?

They go in for their 2 month check up next Thursday.

I'm fully expecting to be told to supplement Big Boy at this point. Again, if that is what's best for him, I will...but I'd really like to continue just breastfeeding if we could.

Any thoughts?

Many Milestones

This has been a week of many milestones here at Not The Path I Chose.

First of all, the twins are 2 months old!

The way days run into each other around here, I find it hard to believe they've already hit that mark and it's the middle of September.

Big Boy is finally out of preemie clothes and controlling his head better. His cheeks are starting to fill out, both sets! LOL. His smiles are the best, as his whole face light up as he gives his gummy grin.

Pretty Girl is smiling quite a bit, too. She has a double chin now...SO cute and is starting to have to be squeezed into her newborn sized clothes. (The 0-3 are still too big!) She had an ultrasound on her hips this month since she was breech, to make sure everything was OK. Everything looked fine to Mommy and Daddy's relief.

As of Monday the twins seem to have stopped their feeding every hour on the hour schedule, freeing up Mommy to at least be able to go to the bathroom and maybe load the dishwasher. Yay!

Yesterday was my first time going out in public with the two of them by myself. We loaded up the van at 9:15 and headed to the first MOPS meeting of the year. Shockingly, we had no crying for the two hours. Pretty Girl took a short nap, then nursed, while Big Boy looked around for a while then fell asleep. Mommy got to see some friends, enjoy a cup of coffee and feel like herself for a few hours. They were so good, I even braved going out to lunch with a friend afterwards.

Finally, this is my 300th post!

I could have never imagined that I'd be the mother of 3, when I started this blog. I was in a very ugly place emotionally convinced that I'd never have another successful pregnancy. This was my place to rant away and work through those emotions that I thought nobody else understood. What I found was a community who did and has rallied with me as I went through the second half of the long journey that blessed me with the twins. You've cheered my victories, cried along with my losses, and most of all have just been super supportive. Thank you.

Show & Tell: Wishes

Suzy from Not A Fertile Myrtle has revived an old favorite of mine, Show & Tell!

This week, since it's the first time I've found the time to participate, I figured I'd show the darling onsies I received in the mail from Suzy when the twins were born. The saying is just perfect, as it was such a long journey to their arrival.

Even though they were "newborn" size, I had to wait a while before trying them on the twins.

I'm happy to say that they fit great now, and I can't see them in them without smiling, and thinking about the wonderful blogger who sent them. Thanks, Suzy!

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Want to join in? Head on over to Not A Fertile Myrtle and play along!