I tested yesterday morning.
The test couldn't have been ANY more negative than it was.
A beautiful dark pink control line next to a sea of white. Not even a shadow of a second line. Trust me, I must have stared at it for a good five minutes...in different light sources, and even stuck it under M.'s nose to see what he saw!
Pathetic, I know.
I just want her to show now. Get it over with, you know?
Only one more cycle until March!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Cheating Myself...
That's what I'm doing right now.
A full weeks back, I wrote about how I was going to try and take on some healthy lifestyle changes. "I want to lose weight," I wrote. And I meant it. I really see an IVF cycle in the near future for us, and I want to give it the best chance of being successful.
The first week went great. I counted my points, made it to the gym three times and was rewarded with a quick 5 pound loss. Yay! But in the second week, I caught a nasty cold, felt exhausted, and could barely function. By the time I felt good enough to eat, I was ravenous. Points went out the window for the third week, as did the gym. With temperatures in the single to negative digits, I didn't want to take Miss O. out anymore than I had to in the weather.
That brings us to this week.
When I weighed in on Monday, my weight is the exact amount it was four weeks ago. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might actually be heavier than I was at the beginning of January. I've spent the last two days thinking about how I wasted the last four weeks. I'm about five weeks out from calling the RE to talk options, and I've lost nothing.
And that's when it hit me. I haven't stuck to my diet or exercise because I didn't WANT to.
That's right, I didn't WANT to.
Why? Because if I lose the weight, call the RE, and go ahead with the plan, I could be midst of my first IVF cycle by April. And I could be devastated by a BFN by that time, too.
Weight loss = IVF cycle. No weight loss = NO chance of failure.
Sick, isn't it?
As I write this, eating a plate full of veggies, I feel like I can move forward. I CAN do this. I went to the gym on Monday, and I made it 2 miles on the treadmill. This fat girl even ran for 5 minutes without stopping. I've made pretty good decisions, so far, on the food front, too.
After all, if I cheat, I'm only cheating myself of that chance of having another baby.
On the 2WW front, the closer my testing date gets, the less positive I feel.
Other than a super sensitive sniffer, I've got NO symptoms.
I'll test Friday, if the old witch doesn't show before then.
A full weeks back, I wrote about how I was going to try and take on some healthy lifestyle changes. "I want to lose weight," I wrote. And I meant it. I really see an IVF cycle in the near future for us, and I want to give it the best chance of being successful.
The first week went great. I counted my points, made it to the gym three times and was rewarded with a quick 5 pound loss. Yay! But in the second week, I caught a nasty cold, felt exhausted, and could barely function. By the time I felt good enough to eat, I was ravenous. Points went out the window for the third week, as did the gym. With temperatures in the single to negative digits, I didn't want to take Miss O. out anymore than I had to in the weather.
That brings us to this week.
When I weighed in on Monday, my weight is the exact amount it was four weeks ago. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I might actually be heavier than I was at the beginning of January. I've spent the last two days thinking about how I wasted the last four weeks. I'm about five weeks out from calling the RE to talk options, and I've lost nothing.
And that's when it hit me. I haven't stuck to my diet or exercise because I didn't WANT to.
That's right, I didn't WANT to.
Why? Because if I lose the weight, call the RE, and go ahead with the plan, I could be midst of my first IVF cycle by April. And I could be devastated by a BFN by that time, too.
Weight loss = IVF cycle. No weight loss = NO chance of failure.
Sick, isn't it?
As I write this, eating a plate full of veggies, I feel like I can move forward. I CAN do this. I went to the gym on Monday, and I made it 2 miles on the treadmill. This fat girl even ran for 5 minutes without stopping. I've made pretty good decisions, so far, on the food front, too.
After all, if I cheat, I'm only cheating myself of that chance of having another baby.
::::::::::::::::::::
On the 2WW front, the closer my testing date gets, the less positive I feel.
Other than a super sensitive sniffer, I've got NO symptoms.
I'll test Friday, if the old witch doesn't show before then.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Going Crazy While Waiting...
I'm in the dreaded 2 week wait.
That 14 or so day period that the only thing that runs through your head is "Am I pregnant?" When you over analyze every symptom that you may or may not have.
I've got one week down, and only one to go before I might test.
Usually this is not a big deal to me. Especially since we haven't been seeing an RE lately. The pressure is kinda off me. You know, if it happens, it happens. But for some reason, I feel like this month actually holds some promise. I think I ovulated around cycle day 14, which is a miracle, considering I'm not medicated right now. And my "o" pain was on my right side, which is the side I still have a tube on. Yay!
Not that seeing those two lines means a baby, with my history, but it's a start.
As for a symptom watch, I've got a few. They could mean I'm pregnant, or they could mean my period is on it's way. A few pulls in the abdominal area this week, a little nausea, and my bre.asts seem heavy and full. Like spilling out of my bra, full. But that could mean I just need a new bra ;)
We'll see.
Oh, and this is my 100th post.
That 14 or so day period that the only thing that runs through your head is "Am I pregnant?" When you over analyze every symptom that you may or may not have.
I've got one week down, and only one to go before I might test.
Usually this is not a big deal to me. Especially since we haven't been seeing an RE lately. The pressure is kinda off me. You know, if it happens, it happens. But for some reason, I feel like this month actually holds some promise. I think I ovulated around cycle day 14, which is a miracle, considering I'm not medicated right now. And my "o" pain was on my right side, which is the side I still have a tube on. Yay!
Not that seeing those two lines means a baby, with my history, but it's a start.
As for a symptom watch, I've got a few. They could mean I'm pregnant, or they could mean my period is on it's way. A few pulls in the abdominal area this week, a little nausea, and my bre.asts seem heavy and full. Like spilling out of my bra, full. But that could mean I just need a new bra ;)
We'll see.
::::::::::::::::::::
Oh, and this is my 100th post.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oops!
Interesting phone call today at work. It went something like this...
Me: "Hello, newsroom. Can I help you?"
Caller: "Uh, yes...(I can hear papers being moved around on the other end of the line) Yes, I'm thinking of putting my 15 year old on birth control. *pause* And I was wondering how much an appointment is?"
Me: "uh...uh, I'm sorry, you called a television station."
Caller: "Oh my G-d. I am so sorry."
Click. The line went dead.
I felt so bad for this mother. She sounded nervous enough, just asking the question. When I told her where she called she just sounded mortified. Poor thing.
Lesson learned today...double check your number before dialing.
Me: "Hello, newsroom. Can I help you?"
Caller: "Uh, yes...(I can hear papers being moved around on the other end of the line) Yes, I'm thinking of putting my 15 year old on birth control. *pause* And I was wondering how much an appointment is?"
Me: "uh...uh, I'm sorry, you called a television station."
Caller: "Oh my G-d. I am so sorry."
Click. The line went dead.
I felt so bad for this mother. She sounded nervous enough, just asking the question. When I told her where she called she just sounded mortified. Poor thing.
Lesson learned today...double check your number before dialing.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
January ICLW
Welcome to anyone who's visiting from ICLW!
A little background for new readers.
I'm a thirty-something year old who is dealing with secondary infertility. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl, Miss O., who is four years old. I have four pregnancy losses under my belt, and each one has been way different from the last. My husband, M., has been told that he has "super sperm" by the RE, so he's not the problem. We are currently on an RE break, as we try to save some money for IVF.
Hopefully, we'll get lucky with a sticky pregnancy in the meantime, and save ourselves a butt load of $! If not, we head back to the RE in March.
I tend to blog about our IF issues, weight loss, and just life in general. I hope you stick around!
A little background for new readers.
I'm a thirty-something year old who is dealing with secondary infertility. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl, Miss O., who is four years old. I have four pregnancy losses under my belt, and each one has been way different from the last. My husband, M., has been told that he has "super sperm" by the RE, so he's not the problem. We are currently on an RE break, as we try to save some money for IVF.
Hopefully, we'll get lucky with a sticky pregnancy in the meantime, and save ourselves a butt load of $! If not, we head back to the RE in March.
I tend to blog about our IF issues, weight loss, and just life in general. I hope you stick around!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Show & Tell
For this week's Show and Tell, I thought I'd let you in on a little secret....
This is my linen closet. I am so fortunate to have a built in, including drawers. Looks fine, right?
Here's a closer look...
Yep, here's the secret. Shh...don't tell anyone. Miss O. is going to be 5 in March and I still have a drawer dedicated to her as a baby. In here resides all the hooded towels, small washclothes, burp clothes, and bibs. *Hangs head in shame*
Everytime I've thought about cleaning it out, I just couldn't do it. This drawer has such control over my mental well being. Because as unrational as it is, I've felt that if I clean it out, I'm giving up. Giving up hope that I will be blessed with another baby.
This weekend I finally faced those fears head on. I got a box out and emptied the entire drawer. It wasn't as painful as I expected. I did cry, and I'm not sure what to do with the box, but it's done.
I'm sure it won't take long to fill the drawer back up, right?
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Wanna see what everyone else is showing? Click here.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Baby, It's Cold...
INSIDE!
Brr. This morning, when I woke up, it was chilly. At first, I didn't think much of it, since we are barely getting out of the single digits in temperatures. But, man, my nose was COLD.
M. ran downstairs and took a look at the thermostat. "It's not running.", he yelled up the stairs at me. "I'll go down and take a look at it."
Great.
I jumped out of bed, threw on some warm clothes and headed downstairs. I looked at the thermostat. 48. I blinked and rubbed my eyes...I must be seeing things. Nope. My house was 48 degrees INSIDE.
So, that's how my day started.
The good news...our furnace guy was there in 15 minutes and had it fixed within an hour of arriving. And it only set us back about $200. The bad, I didn't get a shower before work. There was NO way I was getting into the shower at that temp!
I'm just glad I didn't need a new furnace.
Brr. This morning, when I woke up, it was chilly. At first, I didn't think much of it, since we are barely getting out of the single digits in temperatures. But, man, my nose was COLD.
M. ran downstairs and took a look at the thermostat. "It's not running.", he yelled up the stairs at me. "I'll go down and take a look at it."
Great.
I jumped out of bed, threw on some warm clothes and headed downstairs. I looked at the thermostat. 48. I blinked and rubbed my eyes...I must be seeing things. Nope. My house was 48 degrees INSIDE.
So, that's how my day started.
The good news...our furnace guy was there in 15 minutes and had it fixed within an hour of arriving. And it only set us back about $200. The bad, I didn't get a shower before work. There was NO way I was getting into the shower at that temp!
I'm just glad I didn't need a new furnace.
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