Showers & Cookies

This last weekend, I attended a bridal shower for my girlfriend from college. I'm so excited for her, but I dread bridal showers, or baby showers for that matter. I go out of respect, but seldom do I enjoy these events. My girlfriend's started innocently enough...but as the minutes ticked by the more uncomfortable I became. After we snacked a little, played a game, had some cake, and watched the opening of the gifts...it happened. I knew it was only a matter of time. I was surrounded by people who know me, but most don't know about our secondary IF problem. It never fails, the room grew quiet, and someone asked the question.

"So, are you going to have more children?"

I swear EVERY head in the room turned to hear my answer. I looked around, crawled under the table, took a deep breath, and answered as politely as I could, "I would love to be blessed with more." Inside, though, I was furious. Why? I know this seems like an innocent enough question to anyone who has not struggled to have children. I know that most people don't know my struggle, but honestly, this is not something you should ask as small talk, you know?

Sometimes I wish I was bolder. I wish I could respond the way I do inside my head. I often wonder what people would say if I responded with, "we've been trying...it's not working out well." or "I've had 5 pregnancies and I only have Olivia here." What about, "it's none of your business whether M. And I are planning on having more children!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I spent this morning baking 12 dozen cookies for my sister's wedding. My house smells incredible. The cookies are a Swedish recipe, called Pepparkakars. Basically, a very, very thin gingerbread-like cookie. Mmm...I love them with a cup of coffee. Crispy and gingery.

They remind me of Christmas time, my mother would always include them as one of the many Christmas cookies she would bake. I cried a little this morning, while I was rolling out the dough. It doesn't seem fair, that this Saturday, my sister will be walking down the aisle without my mom. She would have been making all the cookies for the wedding. She would have been staying with me this whole week to help out. Olivia would have sat next to her at the reception...

I know that she will be on my mind, more than usual, over the next few days.

I love you, Mom.

Going Crazy

My little sister is getting married.

This Saturday.

M., myself, and Miss O. are ALL in the wedding.


Over the last two days, I have hand-dipped 400 pretzel rods. I still have about 12 dozen cookies to make. There is dough sitting in my fridge waiting to be rolled out, but I am at work. The dresses have been picked up. I still have to find jewelry for myself. On Wednesday, my hair will be colored and cut. Family starts arriving into to town on Thursday. And then the fun really begins.


I have so much to do that my head is spinning...without my mother here, I am not only the sister of the bride, I am filling in as mother of the bride. I remember from my own wedding how quickly the day goes, especially considering how much planning and work goes into getting to the day.

I will be so happy when Saturday is here. At that point, I think I will finally be able to breathe again.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

On a side note, I'm failing miserably at ICLW. I did so well at the beginning of last week.

I'm going to try my best to catch up today.

Feeling Love...

So, I'm totally loving my first experience with ICLW. As a new blogger, it has been great to get comments, but more importantly I'm finding new blogs to read!

I have to say that I'm am so thankful to a certain someone for tipping me off to finding Stirrup Queens...I'm amazed at every one's strength as we all deal with what life has handed us. I feel very lucky to have found you all!

I've noticed that some people are keeping track of where they've been...I like that idea. Without further ado, here's my list so far!

Three of a Kind Working on a Full House... (neonatal loss, secondary infertility, parenting)
BagMomma (parenting, secondary infertility, RPL)
Where Is That Special Water (secondary infertility, kids, random crap)
Dreams Come True...Sometimes (life, photography, TTC)
Isn't it Pretty to Think So? (stuff, fertility/RPL issues, IVF)
My Life on the Fertility D-List (miscarriage, IVF, life)
Fractured Rainbows (infertility, pcos, life)
Alicia (infertility, adoption, shoes)
The Unfair Struggle (infertility, male-factor, life)
It's Not the End of the World (infertility, rampant emotions, life)
Ramblings by Reba (marriage, life, photography)
Let's Generate (motherhood, miscarriage, secondary infertility)
Soliloquies of Tash (everything and nothing!)
Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks (personal, parenting, sarcasm)
The Saga of Becoming Fruitful (infertility, finances, cost)
Conceive This! (TTC, life, cynicism)
Operation Life (surrogacy, healthy living, weight loss)
That's My Answer (question of the day, would you rather questions, fill in the blank)

Relaxing & Thinking

After completing the triathlon, I had a wonderful three day weekend.


On Sunday, we met up with friends and their children and went to a wonderful amusement park that totally caters to little ones. We were quite the group, with six adults and four children under five! Very hot and humid, but the park was very shaded and included a water park that we took full advantage of. Everyone had a great time, and we had very few tears. In fact, it was mentioned that this should become an annual event for us, at least until the kids get a little older.

Riding home in the car on Monday afternoon, I reflected on the great time we had. I realized that I never once thought about Miss O. being an only child...I think because she teamed up with one of the older kids, she had a buddy. This thought made me sad, yet gave me hope. Sad, because she just loves having "friends"; someone to pal around with. Hope that if we never end up giving her a sibling, that she'll be alright...we might have a lot of group vacations in our future, but we'll do alright. A little part of me felt not quite as empty, you know?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Right now, M. and I are trying "naturally" without out medical assistance. I have been going to acupuncture appointments, but no Western medicine. We've been told that IVF is our best bet...and maybe it is. But, neither of us are ready to take that risk. We have a timeline, a goal...we'll keep it at status quo right now, and hopefully have a sticky pregnancy by the end of this year. If not...well, that remains to be seen, I guess.

Mission Complete

I did it!

I completed the triathlon on Saturday. My only goal was to finish it...although, I was shooting for under two hours. M. surprised me by being in many places to take pictures & cheer me on!

The day started very early for me, around six o'clock. I left M. and Miss O sleeping in their beds and headed downtown to the race site. I was surprised by how UN-nervous I was. After pulling my bike out, I headed over to the transition area...I looked around and copied what anyone was doing around me.

Towel? Check. Shirt? Check. Sneakers? Check. Helmet? Check. Water? Check.

Once I was comfortable with my layout under my bike, I went to get marked. And marked I was, on my left arm, left leg, and right leg, in big black permanent marker my race number: 201. After that, all I could do was wait for my swimming heat to be called.

I was excited that M. and Miss O. were able to see me swim...they walked in just as my heat was called to the pool. I haven't swam a race in over 12 years, but as soon as I hit the water the adrenaline kicked in and the rhythm of my stroke fell into place. I predicted to swim the half mile in 10 minutes, but I finished 2nd in my heat just over 8 minutes! As I pulled myself from the pool, my mind started to think, "what are you doing?"

I ran from the pool, just before the transition area I slipped crashed to the ground. I don't know if I missed the curb, or just fell, but I hit the pavement hard. I was so embarrassed...I hopped up and continued on to my bike, didn't even realize the blood pouring from my knee.

I learned a lesson at transition. Untie your sneakers before you swim. I must have spent at least 5 minutes trying to untie my shoes! I got my helmet on, and I was off on my 10 mile bike ride.

After missing a few cones while trying to stay balanced, I took off. The bike ride consisted of two laps of the course. The first half of the lap was a very steep hill. As hard as getting up the hill was, I refused to get off my bike. I just kept peddling. I sure wasn't going very fast, but I was making headway. I spent most of the bike ride looking at the pavement under my feet...I couldn't look ahead, it was too discouraging. Up at the top of the hill M. and Miss O. were cheering me on. How can you consider stopping when all you can here is this tiny voice saying, "Go, Mommy, Go!" over and over? Coming back down the hill was heaven! I just coasted the whole way to recover.

The second transition went better, I just had to hang up my bike, take of my helmet, grab my radio and go! I never expected it to be so hard to run after biking! I sure didn't run at all the 1st half of the run...it was more like a shuffle. My legs just felt like lead. I ended up power walking up the hill, but after I got to the top I ran all the way down and to the finish line!

Final time, 1 hour 54 minutes! Woo-hoo!

I felt so empowered by finishing. I put my mind to something and I finished it to the end. My body didn't fail me...I might be a *little* overweight, but it didn't stop me!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Little side note to the race...I woke up to an unwelcome visitor, so I completed it on Cycle Day 1, too!

Falling...

My temp fell for the 3rd day in a row...

I'm 12DPO.

Ugh.

Egos

Let me preface this entry, I work in a very ego driven business. Television news, the always hungry beast, is full of egos. Over the last ten years, I have been blessed to work with mostly wonderful people, both in front of the camera, and behind the scenes. Some of the best I've ever worked with had little to NO ego issues. Of course, I think it goes without saying that most of the people who had ego issues, are the ones who aren't the best at their job. In my experience there are two types of people who work in TV news, those who want to be on TV and those who are journalists.

I have never understood the public's obsession with local TV anchors. Yes, you get your news from these people, but they are still people. They eat, shop, sleep, just like the rest of us. It's a job. A job in the public eye, but just a job. We are not talking Brad and Angelina here, people. Unfortunately, this obsession is what feeds the ego.

I don't know why I can't let things slide off my back anymore.

A co-worker is driving me insane. Somehow the ego has grown so big for this person that they feel they are the boss of everyone. Have you ever dealt with someone who is so sugary sweet to your face, but you know that it's just to look "nice"? You know that the only thing that is important to them is themselves. I'm not claiming to be a saint...but I genuinely care about other people and their feelings. I hate my job, but I come in every day and do the best I can do. I don't need to hear from the egos why they feel I'm doing things wrong. If I'm so wrong, my boss will tell me. Argh. This is just becoming a rant.

So, I leave you with a quote.

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." ~Frank A. Clark

This quote fits so many aspects of my life right now...I need to take it to heart.

62 Hours To Go...

I finished my last "big" workout before the triathlon this morning. It felt good, and I couldn't believe how long I ran before I needed to walk. I think I'm ready for the race, well, ready as I can be three days before!

Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy to be trying to do this. I'm okay with that because I'm doing it for ME, not for anyone else. I want to be proud of my body, even if I'm carrying around a little lot of excess weight. I want to follow through with something from beginning to end. I don't think I've followed through on anything, except my wedding, since college. In my twisted mind, this race is more than a race...If I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind to.

Friday will be weigh in day. I haven't been on a scale for about a month, and I haven't taken any measurements for about six weeks. Something must be working, as I'm fitting into pants that were too tight 2 months ago. We'll see.

I just wish the start time on Saturday wasn't 7 AM!

The One That Wouldn't End

July 14th, 2007.


Ten days after my positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding and found out that pregnancy #4 was not going to stick. What I didn't know that day was that it was the beginning of the pregnancy that wouldn't end.

It was the first time I got pregnant after losing my left tube. It was the second round of Clomid, and I was ecstatic that I was able to get pregnant again. My happiness was short lived, as my 1st beta came in low at 26, and the follow up beta came in at 14, along with some spotting.

I was slated to fly to South Carolina with Miss O for a few days at the beach with family and my doctor thought that was just what I needed. So, I had a third beta pulled before heading south, with instructions to call for my results the following day. "I'm sure it will be under five this time.", Dr. M. said as he left the office.

I waited until I was laying in the sun with my toes in the sand before calling in the next day for my results. Imagine my shock when the nurse said, "Thirty-eight. Your beta came in at thirty-eight." I must have asked her five times if she had the right results. She said to come in when I arrived home for a repeat beta.
Over the next five days, my emotions went up and down, and the spotting came and went almost in rhythm with them.

One week later after another beta draw, I got a call from Dr. M's office. It's never good when they call and say, how soon can you be here? So, I rushed in, had the pleasure of an trans vaginal ultrasound that didn't help the doc figure anything out. "Your beta is sixty-four. Obviously, as you saw in the ultrasound, this is not a viable pregnancy."

An hour later I found myself in the local Cancer Center, getting a anti-nausea drug through an IV, waiting to receive shots of Methotrexate, to end the pregnancy, just in case it was in my remaining tube. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I hadn't been in a chemotherapy room for over three years...my Mom fought a courageous battle with Ovarian Cancer. Every Monday, for three years I was her "chemo buddy"...I brought café mocha's, magazines and settled in to keep her company for the three hour long therapy she had to endure. I never thought that I would be sitting in one myself, at least not at 31 years old...especially not to end a pregnancy they couldn't locate.

It took another three weeks, and three blood draws to get a negative beta.

Working For The Weekend

Ah, it's Friday.

Not that I don't have a ton of things going on this weekend, and every weekend until, uh, about mid September...but I don't have to be at work. And that is a very good thing.

Weekend is packed, again. I have a bridal shower on Saturday, and a surprise birthday party on Sunday. Neither of which I have bought a gift for yet! Guess that better be first on my list of things to do tomorrow.

Only EIGHT days until the triathlon. Wow. I didn't even workout today. Miss O. decided to sleep until ten, and so did I. It felt really good to just cuddle up and hang out in bed this morning. I only feel a little, tiny bit guilty.

And I'm 6DPO today, feeling nothing out of the ordinary.

Reamed Out

Tuesdays are acupuncture days. I look forward to my sessions, because I come out of them so relaxed. After the fiasco Monday night, with the leak in the basement, to say I was looking forward to my session would be an understatement!

Thank goodness my RE had warned me about my acupuncture practitioner's temper. I've been seeing her for about 6 weeks now, and I've experienced nothing but care and concern from her. This week was way different.

As soon as I walked into the room yesterday, she started questioning me, "Have you been eating dairy? Too much sugar?" I stammered out some excuses, some maybes...the barrage of questions continued. She finally told me, "Your face is breaking out, this is how I can tell you aren't following the diet!" And she looked MAD. For goodness sakes, it was a holiday weekend!

I'm trying really hard to follow the diet, but I love food, plus I'm cheap! But, I do want to get pregnant and stay pregnant. So, this morning, after the gym I went to the local health food store, and stocked up on sprouted bread, english muffins, pasta and brown rice. I don't exactly live in a metropolitan area, so I couldn't find half the things she's suggested, but I made do. I'm going to try and do better.

I just don't want to be yelled at again.

A Leak

I was sitting at work last night, with about two hours left to go in my shift when my cell phone rang. It was my husband and he sounded panicked.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Photogrl: "Hello..."
M: "Hey, are you real busy right now?"
Photogrl: "Not really, why?"
M: "Can you come home?"
Photogrl: "Right now? What's wrong?"
M: "Well, I was doing some laundry...Uh, the basement is flooded."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Apparently, after M. put a load of laundry in, the water hose that runs water to the washing machine decided to spring a leak. Not a little, slow dripping leak...a high pressure, soak anything within 100 feet around it leak!

Now, I have to give my husband kudos for doing laundry, and I know there was no way that he could have predicted that the water hose was going to blow, but he freaked out. He seriously expected me to come home from work immediately to help him clean up the mess. I had to explain that the washing machine breaking did NOT justify me leaving work. Basically, I had to walk him through his options...load Miss O. in the car, go to the hardware store, and fix the hose.

Luckily, when I got home at 11:30 last night, the washing machine was up and running again. M. had the shop vac out and was standing in the middle of the flood, looking lost. I looked around and there was water everywhere, including dripping from the heat ducts! I sent M. upstairs for towels, so that I could start wiping stuff down...what does he bring back? Baby towels and cloth diapers. I have a drawer in the hallway, full of Miss O.'s baby towels, washcloths, and even bibs. I just can't seem to pack them away...I think because that would mean that I lost all hope of every having another baby to use them on. So, I'm now surrounded by dripping water, bawling about the fact that I'm still the mother of an only child...great. I think my husband thought I had lost it.

Once I recovered, the cleanup really went pretty fast. My golf clubs had to be individually wiped down, my golf shoes had to be dumped out into the sink, and all the laundry waiting to be done was soaked. Of course, M.'s golf clubs were not wet, because he has been out golfing already this year. After emptying the shop vac twice, and almost 5 loads of laundry later, we are almost entirely dry.

I'm thankful that it only took $20 to fix the washer, and that none of my scrapbooking things were damaged. Whew. It's always something.

Crazy Life

Do you ever feel utterly, and totally overwhelmed?

I'm there right now. I'm smack dab in the middle of a cycle. My little sis is getting married in less than a month. I hate my job. I'm training for a triathlon.

How did this happen? I swear I didn't sign up for all of this...

Between making favors, dress fittings, acupuncture appointments, getting to the gym, and work, I have no time left for me. Not to say that I don't enjoy all these things, well, everything but work. I just don't feel like there are enough hours in a day right now.

And I want to have another baby? I must be crazy.

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July to everyone!

In Need Of Patience

Patience: Noun
1. the capacity for calmly enduring difficult situations
2. the ability to wait calmly for something to happen without complaining or giving up

::::::::::::::::

I'm quickly realizing that I am not a patient person.

Now, don't get me wrong, when it comes to Miss O, I'm as patient as a mother of a four year old can be. It's the rest of my life that is causing me to be impatient.

M. and I started trying to add to our family in September of 2005. That was 33 months ago, three miscarriages, and an ectopic pregnancy ago. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Every month is the same. AF, counting days, taking temps, deciding when I ovulated, and then the dreaded 2 week wait(2WW). The 2WW is the worst. It's when I totally over-analyze every symptom and twitch of my body. Often, I convince myself that YES, I am pregnant...

Obviously, I'm usually wrong about that.

You, A Triathlon, Really?

About 3 months ago, right after a BFN (big fat negative) pregnancy test, when I was feeling really bad about the weight I had gained with Clomid...I had an "A-ha" moment. I thought to myself, I need to exercise more. My next thought was I want to do a triathlon. Crazy? I think I am.

Little background, I am a BIG girl. Like size 18 big. Over two years ago, after having Miss O, I worked really, really hard to lose 75 pounds. I weighed about 30 pounds less than I did when I conceived Miss O. I felt good about myself and my body. If you've struggled with IF & loss, it's hard to be proud of your body...and for about a year and a half I was proud of my body. Then came the ectopic pregnancy that robbed me of my left tube, then two more miscarriages...which landed me in an RE's office.

Since December, when at the RE's advice, I started Clomid...I have gained twenty pounds. That's right, 20 pounds! It's a combo of the drug, not eating well, and not exercising enough. I tend to eat for comfort and every cycle that was a failure, well, let's just say I wasn't eating veggies!

So, I have been training for the triathlon for about six weeks now...I'm in the homestretch now, as the race is July 19th. Two weeks from Saturday. My only goal is to finish it. If I can do it, somehow in my messed up mind, I can maybe start to love my body again.

Whether or not I have a second child.